Johnny Depp Recalls Hitting Rock Bottom During Amber Heard Divorce: 'I Couldn't Take the Pain'

Johnny Depp is opening up about how he coped during his contentious divorce from Amber Heard.

The 55-year-old actor gets personal in a new profile for Rolling Stone, admitting he felt “low” after Heard filed for divorce. Though Depp can’t talk about his ex-wife due to an NDA that was part of their divorce settlement, he does share how he felt during the time, which coincided with the death of his mother, Betty Sue, from cancer.

“I was as low as I believe I could have gotten,” Depp says in the profile of losing his mother and going through a divorce at the same time. “The next step was, ‘You’re going to arrive somewhere with your eyes open and you’re going to leave there with your eyes closed.’ I couldn’t take the pain every day.”

To deal with his feelings, Depp went on tour with his band the Hollywood Vampires and started writing a memoir on an old-fashioned typewriter.

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“I poured myself a vodka in the morning and started writing until the tears filled my eyes and I couldn’t see the page anymore,” he recalls. “I kept trying to figure out what I’d done to deserve this. I’d tried being kind to everyone, helping everyone, being truthful to everyone. The truth is most important to me. And all this still happened.”

Heard filed for divorce from Depp in 2016 after 15 months of marriage. The couple married in February 2015 after first meeting on the set of 2011’s The Rum Diary. She was later awarded $7 million in the divorce settlement, which she donated to charity.