My new girlfriend is weirdly secretive and it’s making me suspicious

Many of us keep the the odd secret from our partners; a slightly too extravagant purchase perhaps, or the occasional ‘cheat meal’ when they think you’re eating healthy.

However, in this week’s Sex Column, we hear from a reader whose new girlfriend is tight-lipped about all sorts of things, from where she lives to how old her children are.

Her constant deflection is making him suspicious, and he’s concerned that if she won’t tell him these seemingly-innocuous details, she may be hiding something bigger.

Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to check out last week’s problem, from a man who’s keeping a few secrets of his own from his fiancée; not only is he into BDSM, he’s been visiting a dungeon to get spanked by a dominatrix.

The problem…

For the last nine months I’ve been seeing a gorgeous woman I met in a bar one night after work. I was waiting for a mate and she was also on her own waiting for a friend. She’s obviously a bit older than me but nevertheless extremely attractive and very confident, which I like. 

When our respective friends arrived, we all spent a really great evening together. She explained that she was staying down in London on business, and at the end of the night invited me back to her hotel room. It obviously wasn’t for a game of cards, so of course I didn’t say no. 

Since then, we’ve met up regularly and always have mindblowing sex. Most of the time she lives in Cheshire, but travels the country frequently. 

She told me she’s divorced and has two children, but won’t tell me exactly where she lives or even the ages and sexes of her kids. Whenever I ask questions about her, she deflects the subject on to me and my life, with the result that she knows all about me and I know next to nothing about her. 

Friends say she’s obviously married, but when I confront her, she denies it. More than once I’ve suggested that the relationship is going nowhere and we should end it, but she always gets upset and promises to share more of her life with me. Needless to say, this never happens. 

Am I just wasting my time? 

The advice…

Well, it depends what you want out of the relationship. If you’re looking for genuine love and partnership, it sounds very much as though you won’t find it with her. From what you say, this woman is offering great sex and not much else, so it’s time to be honest with yourself about what you’re really looking for. 

Meaningless sexual encounters are usually only thrilling for a while. What you seem to yearn for is a real relationship where you are part of one another’s lives, meet each other’s families and do the every-day things that couples do. 

You say she doesn’t want to end things with you, but if she’s genuinely divorced, why is she refusing to play a more active role in your life? Perhaps she cares for you deeply, but that on its own isn’t enough. It sounds like a very empty relationship, and I’m sure you could find something more fulfilling elsewhere. 

All the time this woman is in your life, you’re not emotionally free to make a more genuine connection with somebody new. Imagine yourself as an unattached man again. Don’t look on it as being lonely and unloved, look on it as being free. You’ll never meet the girl of your dreams, as long as your heart lies with this woman. 

Tell her you want more from the relationship and you’re not prepared to wait. If it’s obvious that what you have now is all you’ll ever get, be strong and call it a day. 

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to [email protected].

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