I went on an amazing date – but one thing was missing

‘What is wrong with me?’, I thought. ‘Who doesn’t want to wind up with the kindest man in the world?’ 

I was on a date with the nicest man I’d ever met. Yet, despite his charms, I couldn’t summon any flutter of attraction. 

We were sitting in a pub with drinks, and as much as we bonded over our love of many things – our shared life outlooks, politics and future hopes and dreams – I couldn’t muster up any romantic feelings for him. 

I always thought that finding someone with similar interests who ticked so many of my boxes in other ways would automatically equal romantic chemistry — but it turns out things are more complex. 

Jake* came into my life when I was an embittered cynic. 

There are ‘nice guys’ and ‘Nice Guys’. It seems a generation of women has learned to be wary of the self-branded Nice Guy who always has a hidden agenda.

Men who talk in condescending tones about their attraction to ill-defined ‘strong women’, and the male friends on nights out who complain that they don’t get laid even though they put in the work, the effort, of being ‘nice’.  

For a long time before that date, genuine kindness felt rare as opposed to being the bare minimum; the least anyone could do. 

We met on Tinder and his bio, which mentioned his passions and interests, pulled me in, and the conversation flowed neatly throughout the days before. We discussed our plans to meet in a local pub, and there was much back-and-forth about the weather.      

Jake almost vibrated with enthusiasm through his body language and warm words during our first meeting and throughout our date — and, cynical and weary of dating as I was, I couldn’t help but be drawn in by his good-natured reactions to everything around us. The way he interacted with the pub’s staff, for example, was so polite, open and chatty.  

He was so positive and respectful — it was soothing. 

Jake matched the pace of my wheelchair with ease, and as a disabled woman, I had long sought that easy acceptance, that simple ease, in relationships. I liked the feeling of his presence beside me.   

After 15 minutes or so I realised that I didn’t fancy Jake. But some people come into your life to teach you something, reset you, and soothe you out of a rut.    

We engaged in polite conversation. His tone was warm, and his smile was genuine. He listened attentively, and his eyes sparked with interest. 

Jake spoke with care about his family and roommates, and when discussing his work in a charity, he did so with a heartfelt warmth and sincerity that should be the norm but often isn’t. 

His enthusiasm for Game of Thrones was so infectious that I couldn’t help but get swept up hearing his theories and ideas. I’ve always been intrigued by people who have a deep, unabashed passion for something, can completely immerse themselves in other worlds, and care deeply.   

I rarely spoke about sci-fi and fantasy then, having been told in other relationships that my passion for TV shows like Doctor Who was too much — a bit off-putting.

Hearing this had always made me sad and self-conscious, and now I write about that show and others like it for a living. I give Jake some credit for helping to remind me that people’s opinions don’t matter quite so much.  

So, Jake’s unbridled excitement and lack of self-consciousness drew me in. The feeling that he didn’t care if he was too much created a genuine and exciting connection — even though I had never seen a single episode of GOT. 

I was lost in my musings about how the date just didn’t feel romantic when my attention flickered back to him as he recounted an amusing anecdote with animated gestures. 

At that moment, I wondered what could be wrong with me. What do women really want if not a kind, squishy-centered, interesting, interested man? 

But, despite our engaging conversations and exchanges, that elusive spark just wasn’t there for me. 

It was a letdown, a bittersweet realisation, but an important lesson in learning that attraction and compatibility go beyond shared interests or outlooks. 

Chemistry is something that you can’t force or predict — it’s either there or it’s not.   

As we exited the pub after our drinks, Jake encountered an acquaintance from his charity work by chance. I felt like I was being pummelled by the extent of his goodness and altruism. 

But I felt nothing stirring, and it was jarring.  

We messaged each other after the date for a few days until that fizzled out. We had said we would be friends, but I felt in my gut that I would never see him again.

It just didn’t seem like it was meant to last, or he was meant to be a part of my life.

Have you ever been on a date with someone seemingly perfect but felt no romantic spark?Comment Now

On paper and in those neat, warm, little dating app messages, Jake could’ve, might’ve been the one. But I learned that without chemistry, you can’t force any of the rest of it to slot, just so, into place.     

I still think of Jake fondly when someone mentions Game of Thrones, and I remember him for his shining niceness — a stark contrast to those prior years of meh dates and ‘Nice Guy’ statements made in that patronising, syrupy, cloying tone that seems to have been designed to seduce but surely only ever works to stiffen the spine of the person being chatted up. 

It’s a wonderful, endearing memory — that time I met the nicest man and went on our little date. 

Jake made me that bit less cynical and a bit more myself, and we went on with our lives, moving in opposite directions. 

*Name has been changed

This article was originally published April 27, 2024

MORE : Arguing with your partner? This is probably why — and how to stop

MORE : My kids stopped asking for screen time after I made them complete 4 tasks

MORE : My teacher sent me a cryptic text – then I got word of her death

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.