How to tackle emotional distance in relationships

Understanding and Addressing Emotional Distance in Relationships Emotional distance can create a significant gap between partners.

I reckon a lot of guys will read some of the things I have spoken about this week and hate it or perhaps dismiss it. “Why would connecting to my emotions help, surely this is a problem she can fix.” 

UNDERSTANDING THE INDIVIDUAL

When I talk about a relationship I think there is a common misunderstanding, we look at a relationship as a bond or union of two people, two become one as the Spice Girls say and while I don’t deny that song is a banger, it is taken a little bit literally by a lot of people. 

A relationship isn’t like a Megazord where we combine into one (Spice Girls and Power Rangers references are really showing my age and I don’t care) but rather a relationship is two individuals showing up separately and relating to each other. 

If you just work on the pairing when one individual is showing up disgusted by the other person or is mentally checked out, it can’t work. 

It is why I have worked with so many guys who found couples counselling didn’t work for them, they felt missed as the individual showing up to the relationship. 

So that is just one reason it is so important to focus on the self. 

FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL

Yes, it is an oldy but goody, but in my coaching, lesson 101 is always “You can not control what anyone else says, thinks, does or feels”  so focusing on that is pointless. 

To create real change we have to work on ourselves, how we show up and what we bring to the relationship. When we do that, what we show our partner is that there is a different way to be a couple. It doesn’t have to be that we both show up in the same way, do the same thing and get the same result. 

Instead, you show them change is possible and create the space for them to step into that for themselves. Granted they might choose not to, however, this creates the best chance for them to do so in a healthy and lasting way.  

LISTENING TO YOUR OWN EMOTIONS

Every morning I do fifteen minutes of breathwork then a ten to twenty minute meditation in which I really try and drop out of my head and into my body. Noticing how I am feeling, what emotions lie there, where am I carrying aches and pains. 

I do this because every day, in every situation, in every relationship, I am carrying my body and all its stuff with me. It is my life journey’s backpack. 

Being aware of how I am feeling allows me to navigate the day so much better, I can show up better for clients and my relationships because I am aware of what I am carrying. 

I can talk through with my wife if I am feeling stress, sadness, anger or whatever comes up because I feel it there, instead of going through the day compensating in unhealthy ways (Overeating, stressing more, lashing out verbally or whatever comes up). 

For me, it all comes down to taking responsibility for you! For your side of the street. 

Relationships aren’t a 50/50 thing, they are a 100/100 thing. 

They need both people in it to bring their 100 for it to work. Some days one person may not be able to bring the 100 so make sure when you can, you do. 

I hope this creates some clarity on why self-focus is so key to relationships and why emotional understanding is so vital to your overall health. 

Big Love

Phil

P.S. - If you are someone who wants to work on their presence and connection then I have a few ways to work with me.

1:1 - I only have two spaces left in my 1:1 roster and I am interviewing 4 people next week, this can be for any age or gender if you are looking to work on your relationships, connections or mindset.

Elevated Man Group - We still have one seat available for the right-minded man to join a group of men just like you building something really special. If you love community, growth and well-being then join this group of aspirational men.

If you are interested in any of the above please just drop me a DM and lets have a discovery call.