How to reduce relationship anxiety?

“Will I ever be feeling at home with someone?”, asked the drained Parth to his elder sister Swati. Swati is seven years older than Parth and the go-to person for Parth, especially when it is about emotions. Swati transformed herself magically when she went into a vipassana meditation for ten days. By practicing reflective silence and compassionate meditation she has been able to look at people and their problems from an entirely distinct perspective. That is why Parth would always find Swati’s insight and solutions to be profound and practical.

Unlike Swati, Parth was different altogether. Since childhood he was a people person. But he found his parents to be aloof. Every evening at the dining table when the entire family was having dinner, they would discuss things, people, and places. The discussion used to be highly informative and interactive. But Parth somehow didn’t like it. He missed that personal touch during the discussion. He missed the connection, the empathy; the basic human requirement in a social set up. So, during the discussion Parth would mentally withdraw himself as if he were not there.

Eventually Parth became a changed person as an adult. He didn’t want people to know that he misses the warmth and stability in his near and dear ones. So, as a protective mechanism Parth would prefer to keep quiet most of the time as if his motto was ‘speak only when spoken to’. Everyone who didn’t know Parth as a child would consider him to be a loner now. To the outer world Parth was a calm and quiet person but his inner world was a mess.

Because he didn’t get emotional stability & security from his parents; he longed for the same in all his relationships. It was a continuous quest and eventually made Parth both hopeless & fearful. Each time he gets close to someone new he would search for that emotional stability and security.

He would even tell the other person; “You know what, with you I feel at home. Thank you.” For Parth it was an act of appreciation; pouring his heart out; but for others it was too much a responsibility to fulfil. It would scare them away and eventually they would call it off. That would make Parth lonely again.

When Swati listened to Parth, she encouraged him to do some journaling. Parth liked it on the first day and continued to do so for the next two weeks. Not only did he feel relieved, but also got an insight. Parth realized that his actual problem was not that he didn’t get emotional stability from his parents. As a child he might have misinterpreted the entire childhood, or his parents did their best to raise him.

His real problem was his protective strategy, to withdraw from everyone and become a loner. His problem was he was projecting his needs onto others. He wanted to see a caretaker in everyone close to him; only to be disappointed later. Because no one can make Parth feel at home than he himself can; at most someone can do it sporadically. Parth would selectively remember these sporadic moments and magnify, only to soothe himself. Finally, Parth realized the solution lies inside him, not outside with other people.

Five ways to deal with longing for emotional stability & security.

1.       Get a pet: When you give love and care to someone, you will have more oxytocin. It will make you feel stable, secure, and loved.

2.       Be social: Make new connections, join a club or community, do some charity work, volunteer for a cause.

3.       Practice yoga: Body and mind are connected. When your mind is messed up, nourishing your body will do magic. It will not only have a calming effect on you, but also make you joyful.

4.       Listen to music: Music releases happy hormone endorphin and listening to the songs you had listened to in your teens will also increase oxytocin.

5.       Be more mindful: Mindfulness practices reduce your anxiety level and make you grounded. You will feel better about yourself as well as the world around you.

Published earlier in the newspaper tabloid "The Desert Trail"