Arguing with your partner? This is probably why — and how to stop

Although issues like infidelity or the in-laws are behind some of the worst blow-ups between couples, we’re far more likely to argue with our partners about smaller, everyday niggles.

In a survey of over 2,000 Brits, more than a quarter of those who cohabit said they fight about the washing up, while one person not taking on their share of the chores has started rows for 22%.

Money came third in the USwitch list, with arguably more trivial squabbles like what to eat for dinner and who left the lights on making up the top five.

Tech usage and heating were common caused for household arguments, along with the eternal ‘big light’ debate (which we imagine has sparked countless ‘it’s like Blackpool Illuminations in here’ comments too).

According to research, between 6pm and 8pm is the most popular time for a barney, and a whopping 41% admitted to arguing with those they live with at least five times a week.

When things get a bit much, people typically retreat to the toilet with their phone, go for a bath or shower, or make an excuse to pop to the shops or go somewhere alone.

A fifth of respondents claimed separate bathrooms is the key to harmonious living, yet a further 17% say they would have separate bedrooms if they could.

There was also a gender split among those surveyed. Nearly a quarter (23%) of women said leaving the toilet seat up was one of their biggest bugbears in the home, compared to just 8% of men saying the same — closely followed by the toilet roll not being changed (24% of women vs 14% of men).

Other cohabitation habits that grind women’s gears included not noticing when things need cleaning and tidying up, crumbs being left everywhere (paging Monica Geller) and leaving plates, mugs and cups around the house.

It’s well documented that women shoulder more of the domestic load than men, so it makes sense that there’d be a disconnect. If this isn’t dealt with and the issue is left to fester, though, it can spell disaster for a relationship.

Dr Lalitaa Suglani, eharmony’s expert psychologist, tells Metro.co.uk: ‘If arguments are happening very frequently, it can indicate unresolved issues or deeper problems in the relationship. While disagreements are normal, constant fighting can suggest that communication is breaking down, or that one or both partners are struggling to express their feelings in a healthy way.’

But it’s not just the amount of fighting you’re doing. The type of arguments you’re having can be a major red flag too.

‘If one partner tends to dominate the conversation, dismisses the other’s feelings, or refuses to compromise, these are signs of unhealthy dynamics,’ Dr Suglani explains. 

‘It’s also important to notice if the same issues keep coming up without resolution. If every argument feels like it’s going in circles, or if one partner constantly feels unheard or invalidated, this could point to deeper incompatibility or a need for professional help to improve communication.’ 

How to stop arguing with your partner

Before you think about anything else, you first need to ensure that the issues you’re having are dealt with in a productive way.

‘Emotions are natural, but in a healthy argument they need to be expressed without resorting to insults, name-calling, or hurtful behaviour,’ says Dr Suglani.

‘Instead of verbally attacking each other, it is important that the conversation stays focused on the specific problem or concern at hand. There also needs to be a willingness to compromise, with both partners being open to finding a solution that works for them.’

Remember you’re on the same team and have the same common goal, resolution not ‘winning’ the fight.

Dr Suglani recommends having an ‘honest conversation’ about each household disagreement, saying: ‘For instance, if arguments often arise over washing up and tidying, discuss each person’s expectations and preferences.

‘Maybe one partner prefers to clean up immediately after meals, while the other is okay with waiting until later. Understanding these preferences can help you find a middle ground.’

Transparency is also key when it comes to money-related troubles, and agreeing on a budget can avoid stress and fights going forward. 

‘When it comes to deciding what to eat or watch, consider taking turns or creating a system where each partner gets to choose on certain days,’ adds Dr Suglani. ‘This way, both people feel like they have a say, and it prevents small decisions from turning into bigger conflicts.’

However, if ‘every argument feels like it’s going in circles, or if one partner constantly feels unheard or invalidated,’ it could point to deeper incompatibility, and you may need to either seek professional help or consider ending the relationship.

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