It’s time once again for our weekly Sex Column, our regular series where experts advise readers on the world of relationships.
Last week we helped a man trapped in a relationship with his violent girlfriend.
This week we hear from a man who is embarrassed that his new girlfriend has previously slept with lots of his mates when she was younger.
She asked for his forgiveness, but our expert thinks the problem might not be with her…
Let’s see whether this problem can be solved with some stern words of wisdom.
The problem:
After six years away, it was great to be back home again when I left the Army last year. I reconnected with my old mates and met up with a gorgeous girl who was in my year at school.
We got talking on the bus and by the time she got off, we had arranged a date. I kept it quiet because I didn’t want to look stupid if it all went wrong but after a few weeks together I was smitten and thought it was time to introduce her to my friends.
As soon as I mentioned the idea, she became cagey and said if I wanted to meet my friends that was fine but she didn’t want to come along. She made the excuse that she didn’t want to share me with them.
Her reaction was weird but worse was to come. When I told my mates who I was seeing, they burst out laughing and one even spat his beer across the table.
They said she had a terrible reputation. Virtually all of them had slept with her at some point. Apparently, she even had a threesome with two of them.
When I confronted her, she admitted everything and said she had done some stupid things when she was younger. She begged forgiveness and said she wasn’t like that now.
I really care for her but feel humiliated that she’s slept with most of my friends. Should I just dump her and try again?
What the expert says:
I had to double-check this email wasn’t written 30 years ago, when men who had lots of partners were just ‘Jack the lads’ and women who slept around were ‘old slags’. But, no, it came last week.
Look, I don’t want to be rude but honestly, ‘she begged forgiveness’? What on earth for?
Everything she has done has made her into the person she is today – the person you fell for. Yes, she is older and wiser and maybe some of the decisions she made in the past are not ones she would make now.
But she will have learned through those experiences and, frankly, the fact that she sounds sexually uninhibited might be one of the things you find attractive about her.
What she did before she met you is none of your business. You only need be concerned if she has a pattern of sleeping around and is likely to cheat on you – but it doesn’t sound like that is the case.
Worries about past lovers are more common in men than in women but only reflect your own sexual insecurity. Has she asked you to list all the girls you’ve slept with and what you did with them?
Tell your friends that mocking you for your choice of girlfriend is a waste of time. There’s only so long they can crack the same joke before they finally give up.
If they don’t, you might be better off finding new friends than dumping your girlfriend.
The expert:
Laura Collins is a counsellor and columnist
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