Intimacy and Desire

Intimacy And Desire
Are you feeling bored because you always have sex with your
partner in the same ways? Do you feel like the passionate
sparks in your relationship are starting to fizzle out? Are you
having trouble getting in the mood with your partner? If you
answered yes to any of these and are currently in a long-term
relationship, you aren’t alone.
It’s completely normal for committed long-term couples to
struggle with keeping things passionate. It is entirely possible
to love someone with all of your heart and still end up need-
ing couples counseling for sex problems. After all, it can be
hard to keep things exciting in the bedroom when you’re with
the same person year after year.
In Intimacy and Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relation-
ship, clinical psychologist Dr. David Schnarch shares his se-
crets on keeping the passion alive even when you’re in a
long-term relationship. Using case studies from real couples
in sex therapy, he explains how couples can change their per-
spective to reawaken their sexual passion again.
Let’s see how much we can discover in just 3 lessons:

1st Every relationship has a low desire partner and a high
desire partner.
2nd We tend to experiment less and less the longer we are in
a relationship.
3rd The best way to make sure you keep the passion alive is
by creating a collaborative partnership when it comes to
sex.
Here we go!
Lesson 1: In each relationship, there will be a
person who is a low desire partner and a per-
son who is a high desire partner.
It’s common for people to believe that a good relation-
ship won’t have any sexual desire problems. The author says
that every committed relationship has these types of prob-
lems. This is because, in every relationship, there is both a
high desire partner (HDP) and a low desire partner (LDP).
Basically, this means one partner is going to want more sex
than the other. Which person is which is relative to the other
person. If you want it once a week and your partner wants it
every day, you’re the LDP. But if you want it every week and
your partner wants it every other week, you’re the HDP. But
it’s important to note that these positions can change over
time.
This dynamic means that the LDP always has the power be-
cause they decide whether the sex the HDP wants happens or
not. But contrary to what the HDP might think, they typically
don’t enjoy this power. It usually comes with a burden be-
cause of the pressure they feel to perform.
The author says that simply understanding that there is al-
ways both an LDP and HDP will help every relationship deal-
ing with desire struggles. Understanding this helps stop
both partners from worrying that there is something
wrong with them.
It’s common for couples in therapy to accuse each other of
wanting too much sex or not enough, which puts those ideas
to rest. So relax, because problems with desire happen in ev-
ery relationship, no matter how good it is otherwise.
Lesson 2: As we get used to a relationship,

sexual experimentation tends to slow down.
You lay in bed, and your partner starts rubbing your shoul-
ders. Right away, you know that they want sex because this
has been their cue since the beginning of your relationship.
So you get geared up to go through the motions.
The problem is that this starts to get routine and boring. Does
this mean it’s time to spice things up in the bedroom? The
author would say yes. But most people tend to be reluctant to
change their sexual routine.
Why? Because it keeps anxiety down. Trying out unfamiliar
sexual acts usually makes people nervous. We’re not always
comfortable with experimenting in this way, and we don’t
know if it will work out. This is particularly true for people who
have been together for a long time. It makes sense since
they’ve kept things the same for the longest.
Long-term partners inhabit what the author calls the
comfort/safety cycle. They channel emotions into sexual be-
havior, and then it becomes routine. Sticking to it helps peo-
ple feel secure.
There isn’t anything wrong with familiar sex. But the prob-
lem is that when you only stay in your comfort zone,
even little changes can be anxiety-inducing. Sometimes
changes are necessary to improve a relationship. It will take
time and effort at first, but stepping out of your comfort zone
can keep the excitement alive.
Lesson 3: Make an effort to create a stronger

collaborative alliance with your partner when
it comes to sex.
The secret to reawakening intimacy with your partner lies in
creating a strong collaborative alliance. This is an agreement
that you will work together on your relationship.
We know relationships change over time. When this happens,
people sometimes drop their alliances. Maybe they are hav-
ing issues with self-image, or they feel uncomfortable. What-
ever the reason, people often stop working together and grow
apart when they’ve been together for a long time.
To build a physical alliance, you can create and repeat
interactions that represent the partnership. One of the
ways the author suggests doing this is by using a mindfulness
technique known as “hugging until relaxed.”
To do this, stand up, slow your breathing, and focus on your
bodily sensations as you embrace your partner for ten min-
utes. This serves as a tangible way to represent the balance
in your relationship. This time can help give you a chance to
let go of any tension in your relationship while physically re-
laxing together.
The author used this tactic for a couple who hadn’t had pas-
sionate sex for 19 years. The wife was nervous at any talk of
sex. But after hugging daily like this five times a week, she
gradually changed from tense to feeling good. Finally, she re-
laxed enough to make passionate love with her partner
again.
Building alliances can be hard at the beginning. But it’s all
about working together, even when it’s hard at first. It’s cru-
cial to find ways that you both can contribute to rekindling in-
timacy in your own way. Also, it’s always good to stay kind
and patient.

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Intimacy And Desire

Let’s see how much we can discover in just 3 lessons:

Lesson 2: As we get used to a relationship,

Lesson 3: Make an effort to create a stronger

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