LISTEN! LISTEN! LISTEN!

If you wish to inspire through your ideas, begin by listening.

Life makes little sense to those who don’t listen. And that’s particularly true for leaders, whose role it is to inspire oth-
ers by shaping their convictions. After all, if leaders can’t determine what their audiences think, believe and feel, they
will struggle to shape the convictions of the individuals whom they wish to reach. That is why if you wish to lead in
conversations you must be an exceptional listener.

The Importance of Listening

As a manager seeking to lead, listening can provide you with several tremendous advantages.

Listening allows you to form a picture of how people perceive your ideas. If you were given a list of the 10 most
influential individuals in your business (and not necessarily the 10 most senior), could you identify whether they sup-
ported, opposed or were simply unaware of the major projects where you will need their help? If you can do that, can
you also explain why they take that position? Listening gives you access to this invaluable information.

Listening gives you access to the reservations, objections and doubts that others may have. The reason many
people do not embrace or silently resist change is commonly grounded in fear – fear of the unknown. Dispelling
myths, disarming assumptions and countering fears can only be done when you fully understand and appreciate such
thoughts and emotions.

Listening lays the groundwork for leading. For you to sway someone in their convictions you must first begin with
an awareness of, and empathy for, their perspective. From this understanding, you will be able to address the root
cause of your audience’s objections in the scripts you create and the conversations you lead.

Three Levels of Listening

Leaders know that effective listening is no passive act. Think about listening on three levels.

First, listen physically by removing physical barriers and creating a strong connection.

This is the most basic level of listening, and yet is often an overlooked tool for creating open two-way dialogues.

You must be present to listen physically. This is why leadership “by walking around” is increasingly in vogue—leaders
are coming to recognize that they must connect with the individuals whom they wish to influence. So create conver-
sations by being present in formal and informal interactions.

Physical listening also involves showing with your body language that you wish to hear from others. Remove barriers,
like desks. Open your arms and create a strong connection with your eye contact. Take notes as others speak. Nod
or find other ways to encourage others to continue talking. Keep a warm, interested impression on your face. And for
goodness sakes, stay off your blackberry when you are listening!

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 Second, listen mentally by committing to understanding the ideas of others.

People with quick minds and big jobs often skip ahead mentally. This is unnerving to the speaker, and counterproduc-
tive. So stay with the speaker – and work hard to help them define their own ideas.

Mental listening involves a desire to draw out the ideas of the other person. One way of doing this is to listen actively,
by probing and enquiring where necessary. Test your ideas and preconceptions against the new information being
presented. Ask how the other person has reached her conclusions. The speaker will appreciate your involvement. And
the exchanges will be more productive.

Draw upon the speaker’s words. Interlace observations the speaker has made with your own. In this way, you’ll be cre-
ating a tapestry of thinking that shows you have heard and that your views are in harmony with the speaker’s. Simple
phrases like “As you said . . .” or “As I understand your view . . .” go a long way toward mental bonding.

If something is not clear, help the other person out. Suggest ways of formulating the ideas or proposals that the indi-
vidual may be struggling with. It’s all too easy to dismiss others when their ideas are in the formative stages. Worse
still, some find it easy to put others down. An executive once told me he “enjoyed the smell of blood,” referring to a
situation when his staff member became confused. A leader is a good listener, and that means helping others think
clearly.

Third, listen emotionally to the stated or unstated feelings of your audience.

Emotional listening involves reaching out to acknowledge and reinforce the feelings of the other person you’re talking
to. Communication—including listening—should not only inspire action but also build relationships. Indeed the two
go together.

An empathetic leader “listens” carefully to the verbal and non-verbal responses of individuals. When you make a sug-
gestion, be sensitive to the reaction of the person you’re addressing. If their body language or words show they’re put
off by what you’re saying, somehow you must address that problem.

To listen emotionally you can acknowledge the stated and unstated feelings of your audience. For example, you might
say, “From what I’m hearing, you’re pretty frustrated that you are getting pulled in several directions around this proj-
ect. Look, I’ve felt like that myself five years ago when we tried....”

Sometimes emotional listening involves asking people to open up to you about their deeper concerns and worries. If
you find yourself caught in an unending intellectual battle over resources, you can try to shift the discussion by say-
ing, “we’ve been going back and forth on who these people will report to—is there a bigger elephant in the room here
we aren’t getting to?” In this way you can show that you are committed to understanding the emotional reservations
your audience has.

When To Listen During Crucial Conversations

The Leadership Model you were introduced to earlier in this program provided you with a rigorous structure you can
use to shape thinking in a crucial conversation. It also provides you with clarity about when to listen to your audience
during that crucial conversation. Consider this diagram, which illustrates the four critical points during a conversation
where listening enables you to lead.
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 Remember: crucial conversations are not “speeches”—they are two-way dialogues where you are seeking to inspire
conviction. That is why it’s critical to understand the perspective and objections of your audience... and to tailor your
approach accordingly. Let’s examine how you can do this by listening in the four places you see in the above diagram.

First, listen before you start trying to persuade! (especially when someone else initiates the conversation)

In conversations someone else initiates and in chance encounters it is critical to listen up front to identify what oppor-
tunity you have. You need to gauge many things, including what your audience is thinking and feeling... and whether
the timing is right to turn the discussion into a leadership conversation.

In conversations where you initiate the discussion you will likely have a good sense of the opportunity in front of you.
In such interactions you can listen up front to gauge the mood or perspective of your audience. In such instances you
can usually move fairly quickly to your grabber because you are ready to shape the conversation with your subject
and message.

Second, listen closely after you deliver your message.

This is one of the most critical moments in a crucial conversation; you have just conveyed a statement that should
both reflect your convictions and challenge the audience’s existing views. How will they respond? If your message
is truly engaging it should provoke a reaction or questions. Rather than jumping to your proof points, allow time for
your audience to digest what they’ve heard and draw conclusions about how they feel. Pause, listen and even probe
if necessary to understand how they react. You can then tailor your proof points to respond to their views.

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 Third, listen after each key point you make in support of your message.

The information you get after you deliver your message will allow you to bring forward the right supporting argu-
ments. After you deliver each argument, listen to the audience’s reaction and reservations. Check for agreement—or
at least understanding—before you move on to the next point. Don’t move on to your restated message until you feel
you have brought forward the points that address outstanding concerns.

Finally, listen after you restated message.

The restated message is where you test whether or not you have moved your audience, and inspired them to embrace
your convictions. To determine the extent to which you have done so, listen to their reaction to the message. Are they
ready for your call to action—or do they need more persuading? Only your audience can tell you, and you must listen
to them to determine the answer.

How To Listen Effectively Dring Conflict

It is important to listen effectively in any interaction, but it becomes critical during conversations where you are
feeling criticized or attacked. In such situations you can listen mentally and emotionally by practicing what is called
active listening.

The diagram below illustrates the active listening techniques you can use to respond to aggressive, hostile or difficult
statements during crucial conversations. In using these techniques you can lower the tension level and create com-
mon ground—all while avoiding the use of the word “but”!

Probe

Disarm Empathize Support

Persuade

The Disarm.

This first important technique allows you to show that you have listened to your audience—and found something
where there is common ground. Examples of successful disarms include:

a “You’re right…”
a “That’s true…”
a “I agree…”

The key with a successful disarm is to make it genuine—and to find common ground even if 95% of what you are
hearing enrages you!

Using the disarming technique will keep your mind actively listening for common ground.

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 Here is an example of successful disarming responses:

a “You people say you’re interetsted in my ideas but I”ve never heard you ask for my opinion or implement any of
suggestions. So why don’t you save us all time and cancel the meeting.”

a “You’re right, leadership does say we want your ideas.”’

The disarm may sound simple, but it is challenging to find common ground —rather than instinctively reacting with
defensiveness.

Empathy.

After you disarm you can immediately apply the second active listening technique—empathy. There are two types of
empathy that you can use: thought or feeling empathy.

Thought empathy is where you show that you understand what the person is thinking and you can appreciate why
they think that way.

Feeling empathy is where you show that you understand the feelings of the person you are speaking with and that
you appreciate why they feel as they do.

Support.

After you disarm and empathize you can support (praise) your audience. This is a way to show respect and further
defuse tensions.

You can acknowledge the past successes, wisdom, capability, knowledge, or any other qualities you genuinely re-
spect in the individual you are speaking with.

Probe or Persuade.

After you have built common ground through disarming, empathizing and praising, you have a choice to make. Either
you can probe further, or you can persuade.

You should probe when you need to listen more to your audience to understand their motives, concerns and perspec-
tive. You can do this by asking for clarification or more information. Turn it back to them with a genuine question.
Examples include:

a“Tell me more about your concerns around this.”

a“What would it take to get you onside?”
a“Do you have any other concerns?”

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 You should persuade when you feel you have clarity about your audience’s perspective. You can move directly to your
key message, or to a main point.

a“I firmly believe in this initiative.”

a“This will deliver value to your customers.”
a“Your commitment is crucial.”

Summary

Success in leadership stems as much from your ability to listen as it does from your ability to speak. So remember:
listen physically, mentally and emotionally.

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