“I want to fill the void I feel.”

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This post is an answer to a submitted question. It aims to provide help and solutions to overcome the issue.

Podcast version: HERE

Quote:  “The most important skill to master for a fulfilling life is your own emotional regulation.” 

Adding to the quote:

One of the key components to living a fulfilling and balanced life is being able to effectively regulate your own emotions. The ability to effectively manage and respond to an emotional experience is being able on your own to notice, be aware at the very moment you’re starting to feel off and be able to quickly pivot or shift into managing your thoughts and feelings to how you want to feel in the moment, live, in the midst of a traffic jam, your boss yelling at you, or receiving some sort of great amazing or tragic news. This skill is crucial in navigating the ups and downs that come with daily life, and can greatly impact your overall well-being and happiness. By learning to manage your emotions in a healthy way, you can improve your relationships, make better decisions, and cope with stress more effectively. It is a skill that requires practice and self-awareness, but mastering emotional regulation can lead to a more fulfilling and satisfying life.

Submitted Question:

“I want to fill the void I feel. I want a personal connection again. Someone to talk to. Someone to laugh with. Someone to do things with. I know at this point in the healing process it wouldn’t be fair for me to start dating someone because I know where my heart lies. I just feel so alone and so empty. I have friends and family who are a good support system. But those types of relationships are not the same nor are they helping with these feelings. What should I do?”

My Response if we were in a coaching setting. Although without being able to ask questions, I may assume or use scenarios to fill in the gaps.

Wonderful that you have friends and family that are a good support system. You’re fortunate to have them on your team! 

I get the impression that you’re seeking love, a deeper connection than that of friends and family. 

If we were in a coaching relationship I would want to know more about what it is you’re envisioning. More clarity would offer a great deal of understanding of what it is that you’re thinking and believing this type of relationship will solve, and what it is that you’re healing from currently. 

I have worked with individuals that come into a session wanting something similar and they are thinking and believing that when they have someone there for them at night to vent to, lean on, and take all their problems and pain away their life will be somehow mysteriously better.  

Partnerships in life aren’t intended to repair your mental and emotional problems. 

As individuals, we all face our own distinct insecurities, emotional challenges, and mental hurdles.. The journey of navigating through life is already a complex and challenging task, requiring us to constantly manage and wade through the depths of our own emotions. It can be overwhelming just to focus on our own well-being, let alone take on the responsibility of managing and solving the complexities of other individuals.

Fortunately, there are specialists who have dedicated their careers to helping people overcome their insecurities, emotional challenges, and mental obstacles. These professionals possess the skills, training, and knowledge to support individuals in upleveling their emotional intelligence and mental resilience. By seeking guidance and support from these experts, individuals can learn effective strategies for managing their emotions, building self-confidence, and navigating life's challenges with grace and resilience.

Relationships are like a beautiful dance, where partners move together in harmony, supporting each other through the twists and turns of life. They are there to be your cheerleader, your confidante, and your companion in creating unforgettable memories and experiences.

If you don’t love yourself, you’re not going to be good company. 

While it is true that partners can stand by your side during challenging times and help you navigate through life's obstacles from time to time, it is important to remember that they are not there to solely bear the burden of your emotional baggage or act as your personal therapist.

Expecting a relationship to fulfill all of your needs and serve as a cure-all for your problems is setting yourself up for disappointment. True relationships are built on mutual respect, communication, and understanding, where both partners contribute equally to the partnership.

Your partner will not give you happiness, they will not complete you, they will support you.

It is important to approach relationships with realistic expectations, and a sense of balance and reciprocity, recognizing that both individuals have their own needs, desires, and form a mutual agreement with healthy communication.

By nurturing a positive and supportive relationship dynamic, you can establish a solid base for a satisfying and enduring connection with your partner.

In summary: 

Fill your own void, get help and support from someone you trust to teach you how to regulate your emotions, a coach, counselor, therapist or other professional. 

Get clear on what it is you’re wanting out of a relationship, this might be really revealing. Do all the things that you’re expecting of someone else for yourself. Build up your self confidence and self love. 

The Relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every relationship we have.

If you're relying on someone else to do it, One they won't do it right, fully or maintain the level if they do achieve it. It's too much pressure, responsibility, to ask for another fragile human being to fulfill their own needs and the needs of another fragile human.

I wish you all the best. 

Please share this with anyone you believe would benefit from the insights. Post a comment, I read and reply to them all. Thank you in advance!

If you want to send a question, please send to [email protected] please include: 

• A coachable question (something that addresses what's in your control, your thoughts, feelings or actions.)

• And context, explain a situation in the past, currently going through, or worries/concerns of the future, giving me some details on your thoughts and feelings about it.