- When my daughter was in 7th grade she made a presentation to get an iPhone or iPod.
- It didn't change my mind, and she didn't get one.
- She's now 16 and finally has her own phone, along with her younger sister.
"You know, my life is so much better this year, and do you know why that is?" my 16-year-old daughter asked my husband and me as we sat around the dinner table recently.
I raised my eyebrows at her, knowing what was coming next.
"It's my phone!" she exclaimed. "My life got so much better with my phone; I don't know why you made me wait so long!"
Here's the thing: I was — and am — firmly in the "mean mom" camp of a parent who delayed giving my teenage daughters smartphones. I didn't have any arbitrary, set-in-stone rules about when they would get smartphones, but for various reasons, my oldest daughter did not get a full smartphone until she entered high school.
There were many reasons she didn't get one earlier
I could list some of the reasons. My kids attended a very small, private school during their elementary years before transferring to a public school, so phones weren't the norm. She became a teenager during the pandemic and did virtual school for two years, so she was home with me and there was no real need for a phone. Her father works at the same school she now attends, so again, there wasn't a huge, pressing need for me to have a way to contact her — but overall, I didn't see a need to rush into changing all of our lives by opening Pandora's box of a smartphone.
My daughter is the oldest of five children, and I knew that once I introduced smartphones to my kids, it would set a precedent for the rest. Plus, there was no going back, so I wasn't in a hurry.
She made a presentation to try to convince me
That didn't stop my daughter from constantly pleading and begging for a phone. In 7th grade, she even designed a downright impressive infographic to convince me to get her a phone or at least an iPod (which some of her friends from her old school had at the time).
"Knowing my mom, I thought if I seemed professional about it and could write a whole presentation about it, they would cave," my daughter said of her decision to make the infographic. And I have to admit, she was professional with her presentation, hitting some major aspects of phone ownership, including:
- A valid reason for communicating with friends that the phone would provide
- Her role as a phone owner
- An offer to help fund the phone with her own money
- Having ownership of something as the oldest with more responsibilities on her shoulders
Although I was deeply impressed with her infographic, it didn't make me change my mind. I didn't feel that her need to fit in was greater than my wish to preserve the advantages of a phone-free childhood for as long as possible.
When I talk to my daughter now, I do feel some regret that she felt left out from her peers without a phone, especially because she went through the very difficult process of transferring from a small private school to a much larger public school, where she knew only a few other students.
She got a phone when she was in high school
Eventually, I decided that it was time for my daughter to get a phone, largely because she was in high school and had joined a varsity sport, and I felt that she and I were both ready to navigate this new step together.
To make things horribly unfair for her, I also got her sister — who is two years younger — a phone at the same time. Again, I had my reasons for that, in wanting them to be able to talk to each other, sports, school resuming, and, of course, the family plan appeal.
I will fully admit that my oldest daughter got the full "eldest daughter" treatment by waiting longer than her sister.
I can't say with 100% confidence that I made the right decision about delaying phones for our family — if such a thing as a "right" decision exists at all in parenting — but I followed my gut as best I could, and I still feel firmly that a phone-free existence can be a gift in many ways.
Today, my daughter is thrilled to be connected with a phone, but she also admits that there are some drawbacks to life with a phone. "With social media, sometimes I feel like I have to answer on Snapchat or compare myself with other girls," she told me.