What can turn you on with just a thought? Is there a specific genre of erotica you always gravitate towards? What pops into your head when you’re in the mood?
Gillian Anderson’s new book, Want, reveals the deepest desires held by women around the world, categorising the 174 anonymous personal essays into chapters like ‘To Be Worshipped’ and ‘The Watchers and the Watched’.
The stories included in the collection range from daydreams of lesbian exploration and office romances to altogether more niche imaginings such as having a three-way with the Weasley twins from Harry Potter – but there are common threads that run throughout.
‘What is very revealing are the areas that we are the same,’ the Sex Education star said in a recent interview. ‘No matter the fantasy, the takeaway is the need for intimacy, the need to be desired, to be seen, a desire to be held, to be comforted, to be safe.’
It seems fantasies are at the forefront of many of our minds right now too, as this work coincides with a recent report from The Kinsey Institute looking into the bedroom habits of people around the world.
Alongside dating app Feeld, the survey of over 3,000 people uncovered more about how different generations view monogamy, how often people have sex, and how common kinks are among different age groups. And there’s even more that can be gleaned from speaking to Kinsey’s sexuality experts.
Dr Justin Lehmiller is a research fellow at the renowned institute, and has studied sexual fantasies for more than a decade, speaking to more than 10,000 people throughout his career to work out what gets humanity going.
‘One of the things I’ve discovered are that there are at least three key things that almost everyone fantasises about at one time or another,’ he tells Metro.co.uk.
The most common sexual fantasies
Group sex
According to Justin’s surveys, a whopping 95% of men and 87% of women have fantasised about sex with more than one person, but men do so at a much greater frequency compared to women.
He says: ‘Also, which is kind of surprising to a lot of people, these fantasies are actually least common among young adults and most common among people in their 40s and 50s.’
Part of the allure of multi-partner sex is ‘wanting to feel overwhelming desired’, as evidenced by the fact that ‘most people picture themselves as being the centre of attention in their group sex fantasies.’
‘Another reason people find this idea attractive is that it just opens up a lot of new possibilities for sexual exploration, such as trying new positions and activities or exploring same-sex/gender attractions,’ Justin adds.
Kink and BDSM
Nowadays, BDSM is no longer the preserve of dominatrixes (and their clients). If anything, the likes of 50 Shades of Grey have contributed to submission and domination becoming downright mainstream in 2024.
Justin explains: ‘In my research, I find that 96% of women and 93% of men have had a kinky fantasy before – but it’s important to note that women fantasise about BDSM far more often than men.
In the Feeld State of Dating Report, the majority of Gen Z reported these types of desires, a figure that declines with each age group (only 12% of baby boomers said the same).
‘Part of the reason that Gen Z might be kinkier is that they have greater access to porn than any previous generation, and much of the porn that’s out there features elements of kink,’ says Justin.
‘But it’s not just about porn. Gen Z is also the most stressed and anxious generation, and kink/BDSM can be an adaptive way of coping with anxiety because it helps to take you out of your head and into the moment.’
Adventurous sex
Adventurous sex – having sex in new and exciting places, such as on a beach or in some other exotic location – features in the fantasies of 97% of people.
Justin comments: ‘Like multi-partner sex, novelty fantasies are also most popular among mid-life adults. This may be because most people at this age are in long-term monogamous relationships and are looking for ways to spice things up.’
He surmises that the younger generation are less likely to fantasise about novelty, in part, because sex itself is still fairly new for them.
‘They don’t necessarily need as many bells and whistles to keep things exciting because they’re less likely to have settled into sexual ruts and routines,’ adds Justin.
Fantasies that are more common than you might think
As well as the desires the vast majority of people share, certain sexual fantasies which may be considered ‘taboo’ are surprisingly popular.
Public sex
Practises like dogging may not be societally prevalent, but doing it in view of others is a major theme when it comes to our innermost desires, with 81% of men and 84% of women having fantasised about it.
Justin says: ‘The appeal of these fantasies often resides in the thrill that accompanies potentially being caught or observed – in other words, the taboo and risk-taking aspect of public sex heightens excitement for many.
‘However, for some, it’s also about having an exhibitionistic streak and deriving gratification from knowing that others are watching you have sex, and enjoying it.’
Many of these fantasies are just that, and won’t end up being enacted in real life. That said, if you do decide to give this a go, please keep decency laws (and general etiquette) in mind.
Cuckolding
The idea of watching a partner have sex with someone else, known as cuckolding, is doubly popular with men than women; 52% and 26% have had this fantasy, respectively.
‘The numbers are even higher among gay, lesbian, and bisexual adults, perhaps because they do not feel as bound to notions of traditional relationships,’ Justin adds.
There’s been an increase in online searches for cuckolding in recent years, suggesting it’s becoming more widespread.
This could be connected to the rise in kink, as some people find it connotes a submissive or masochistic sexual role, but Justin says that for others, it’s merely a fantasy of ‘taking pleasure in your partner’s pleasure and seeing your partner being fully satisfied.’
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