For many, the idea of going to a sex party conjures images of anonymous hook-ups, dimly-lit venues, and a good old dose of BDSM. However, for a growing number of people, it’s also a place where they have forged strong friendships, rather than just a kinky encounter.
I would know, I’ve made several good mates in the back rooms of warehouse play parties.
The first time I went to one alone was back in the summer of 2022. I was worried I might end up standing around like a spare part at – well – an orgy.
I had been to a couple of events before as part of a group and already made friends with several regular attendees – who I hoped might be at this particular party. However, when I first arrived, I realised I didn’t know anyone and felt lost.
Luckily, I spotted a familiar face in the crowd – someone I mutually followed on Instagram but had never met in person – who was also exploring the venue by themselves.
So I pushed my nerves aside and made my way over to them on the dance floor.
We spent a while chatting and dancing and then went on to explore the rest of the party. Even though my new friend had to leave early, we got on so well, that we promised to keep in touch and hang out again.
Now, we chat regularly on Instagram – often to share queer memes, to be fair – and talk about what’s happening in our lives. When we happen to be in the same city we always try to meet up so we can spend time together at events. It’s such a blast to see each other and we just carry on where we left off.
Leanne Yau polyamory educator and expert for the LGBTQ+ dating app Taimi, has also made several good friends through sex parties – most notably at the now-defunct London play party Crossbreed, after being involved in a 14-person orgy.
Getting to know people after a ‘nasty sex’
‘We were basically just a big pile on the floor,’ she laughs, recalling the event to Metro.
After they’d all cleaned up and put back on their clothes, Leanne, 26, approached several of her orgy-peers in the bar to exchange contact information. ‘I enjoy asking people for their name after we’ve just had nasty sex,’ she admits.
From there, a friendship blossomed between Leanne and four of them, which recently saw her meet up with one of the couples at Brighton Pride, where she met their new baby for the first time and helped them ‘celebrate them becoming queer, polyamorous parents’.
‘We live in different cities, but we enjoy getting together to try out new parties,’ Leanne explains. ‘As we’re all non-monogamous a big part of our friendship is discussing who we’re dating and our relationships, as well as just talking about polyamory in general.’
According Emma Sayle, founder of play positive get togethers, Killing Kittens, ‘Sex parties aren’t just about sex.’
A place you can really be yourself
‘At their core, they’re about community, trust and friendship with like-minded people,’ she tells Metro.
Of course, while many people do attend parties like Killing Kittens for the erotica aspects, making platonic connections is a key draw as well.
‘When run safely and respectfully, sex parties can provide an atmosphere where you feel free to be your authentic self without fear of judgement or stigma,’ explains kink-aware therapist Amy Sutton. ‘A safe space and supportive community to discover your sexual self and your social self, surrounded by others who share your values.’
As Amy points out, human’s have an intrinsic need for connection and anything that regularly brings people together through a shared interest – where it’s a love of running or being tied up and spanked – will become a space where people find platonic intimacy.
It’s perhaps unsurprising that the rise in sex parties coincided with the end of lockdown and people looking to reconnect out in the real world away from computer screens.Post-pandemic has seen the highest reported levels of loneliness, with over 7% of young people saying that they feel loneliness often or always between 2022-2023. In response, more people may be seeking out community and connection.
Sex parties are my community centre
It was this kind of connection that appealed to Lou, 34, who was first introduced to sex parties by friends after coming out as bisexual.
Now a regular play party attendee, they are also an organiser within the London kink and polyamory scene.
‘What I like about those spaces is that you can just chat to anybody without them thinking you’re weird,’ Lou tells Metro. ‘The social norm is that you can just say hi to anybody. I almost treat those parties like a community centre.’
Lou has since made a close network of friends from attending parties and explains how people often make bonds at these events via shared experiences of marginalisation and go on to organise things like support groups and networks.
In fact, play parties have become such an important space in Lou and her friends’ lives that the community came together a few months ago to mourn the death of a regular in the scene by organising a vigil for them.
Lou encourages anyone who is curious but nervous about attending a sex party alone to look for pre-drinks or mixers for the event beforehand, in order to find people to attend the party with.
These are sometimes thrown by the event itself, or often there are unofficial mixers in nearby venues where a combination of regulars and newcomers can get to know each other with their clothes still on.
Meanwhile, Leanne stresses that sex parties also offer a great opportunity for people to really open up more than other types of get-togethers or clubs.
‘I tend to spend most of my time in the smoking area meeting people and having interesting conversations,’ she explains. ‘But because people have their bits out, there tends to be more openness and vulnerability than at other events.’
This was also something I experienced. Once friend had left for the night, I spent the rest of my time at the play party perched on a wall in the smoking area, in the blazing sunshine, while the crowd moved around me.
People happily stopped to chat about the play scene and how our willingness to be so open around each other led to even more valued friendships.
Now, one of my main reasons to go to play parties or non-sexual meetups called ‘munches’, is to catch up with friends I have made through the scene.
If I also meet someone to play with, as well as chat to? Well, that’s just the cherry on top.
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