As time goes on, relationships don’t always emulate the butterflies of the honeymoon phase.
If you’re living together, or perhaps even if you’ve got married or had children, you might find yourself periodically feeling as though you’re just flatmates.
Your texts might’ve become dominated by practical questions about the weekly shopping list, and date nights might’ve accidentally been replaced by a stock take of the spices rack.
You still love each other, but everything feels very mundane. Enter: the ‘roommate phase.’
Are you in the ‘roommate phase’?
So, what is the ‘roommate phase’? As psychologist and relationship expert Ieva Kubiliute tells Metro.co.uk, it’s a phrase given to a situation where ‘partners start to operate more like housemates than romantic partners.’
‘This phase is characterised by a shift from emotional engagement to routine cohabitation. The initial passion and novelty of the relationship may diminish, leading to interactions that feel more transactional and less affectionate,’ Ieva adds.
‘Partners may find themselves sharing responsibilities and living spaces with a sense of emotional detachment, as though the romantic connection has been replaced by a pragmatic partnership.’
As such, there’s been a considerable amount of conversation given to the idea of the ‘roommate phase’ – and, as various couples are noting online, it’s a normal thing that can happen from time to time, but that doesn’t make it any less painful.
‘When me and my partner were so deep in the roommate stage a few months ago, I felt sad when one of our family members announced they were having their second baby,’ @emfeagan_ shared with her TikTok followers, reflecting on the ‘roommate stage’ she and her partner experienced when they first became parents.
‘I was in awe of their relationship…I was like, “they’re so in love that they’re having a second baby.” It just made me feel a bit like, are we the only couple going through this right now? I just felt so isolated.’
Emma’s video went viral with 50.7K likes, and in the comments section, others chimed in with their own experiences – whether related to parenthood or otherwise.
@traceyhooper1972, who has been with her husband for 35 years, said that they’d been through the ‘roommate phase’ twice in their relationship.
‘I kept quiet for ages but one day I just broke down and after long discussions realised this was more down to bad communication. It was a really difficult period to overcome,’ she penned.
‘Life gets in the way. If you come through the roommate stage it can make for a more successful, happy, loving relationship. Everyone’s sex drive changes over the years, it’s normal and okay.’
Elsewhere, @homeschoolingtheloves noted that she and her partner went through it after their first child but have ‘since had two more children and realised all that is needed is communication.’
‘Didn’t have the roommate stage again. More in love than ever before,’ she wrote.
Why does the ‘roommate phase’ happen?
According to Ieva, the ‘roommate phase’ might occur ‘as a result of the everyday pressures and routines that can erode the initial excitement of a relationship.’
‘As life becomes increasingly busy with work, financial concerns, or parenting duties, the emotional and physical intimacy that once defined the relationship may wane. This shift can be compounded by a lack of deliberate effort to maintain romance or deepen the connection,’ she adds.
‘Essentially, the ‘roommate phase’ is a byproduct of neglecting the emotional aspects of the relationship while focusing on logistical and practical concerns.’
How to get out of the ‘roommate phase’
Fear not: if you’re firmly in the ‘roommate phase’ and wondering whether there’s a way out, it’s possible.
As sex and relationships therapist Nicola Foster notes, the key to getting out of the ‘roommate phase’ isn’t necessarily having ‘lots of sex’ as many couples ‘have a lot of competing priorities,’ so this might not always be realistic.
Instead, Nicola suggests keeping the spark alive by ‘admiring and complimenting each other,’ ‘expressing desire openly,’ ‘reminiscing about past sexual experiences,’ and ‘creating a wish list of things you would want to explore together in the future.’
‘Open and honest communication is so important for rebuilding that lost emotional intimacy, so you could start by scheduling regular check-ins to discuss your feelings, needs, and expectations in the relationship,’ Nadia McCowan Hill, spokesperson at Lovehoney, adds.
‘Try to spend time doing things that foster your emotional connection like a shared hobby, a date night, or simply spending quality time together, as this can help reconnect you on a deeper level.
‘Breaking free from the roommate phase takes time and effort; it doesn’t happen overnight. By consistently working on your relationship and prioritising your emotional connection, you can rediscover the love and passion that brought you together in the first place.’
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