I’m obsessed with my ex — I need to stop myself becoming a full-blown stalker

The end of a relationship is never easy, and it can be even harder to let go if there isn’t a clean break.

That’s the case for this week’s reader, who was caught off guard when her childhood boyfriend told her he wanted to split up.

More than a year later, she’s still hanging on to hope that things might work out, and these lingering feelings have caused her behaviour to escalate into worrying territory.

Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to check out last week’s problem, from a man struggling to get aroused with his wife after finding out he has a low sperm count.

The problem…

I met my ex at school and was with him until I was 23, but suddenly, eighteen months ago, he announced he wanted to break up. 

He said he’ll always love me, but no longer loves me in the ‘right way’ and said I’d become like a sister to him. 

I was absolutely devastated as I didn’t see it coming. He’d recently taken a new job, and although I noticed he wasn’t as affectionate as usual, I put it down to work pressures. 

I’ve always looked after myself and he said he hasn’t stopped finding me attractive. He just said he feels ready to move on. 

Despite the breakup we’ve stayed on good terms, still follow each other on Instagram and meet up for the occasional drink. Although he doesn’t call me, he always seems happy when I phone him. 

We used to have an amazing sex life, but even though I’ve made it obvious that I’m up for being ‘friends with benefits’ he’s turned me down and says he doesn’t want that sort of relationship with me. 

I’ve noticed his Instagram feed often features different girls, but when I ask about them, he just says they’re work colleagues. 

I confess, I’ve waited in the car outside his flat to see if he brings a girl home, but I haven’t caught him so far. I’ve also turned up at places he goes to, and although he acts pleased to see me, it never gets me anywhere. 

I’m completely obsessed with him but know I need to stop myself becoming a stalker. 

The advice…

There are times when couples split up and still stay close, but keeping this guy in your life is clearly not working for you.  

As a first step, you must cut off all contact with him. Stop following him on Instagram, don’t call or text, and stop meeting up. Ideally, delete his number altogether, but at the very least rename him ‘Do Not Contact’. 

Turning up at places he’s likely to be isn’t bringing you any closer to a reconciliation. It’s just an ego trip for him whilst making you more miserable, so for your own sake, don’t do it. 

It doesn’t sound as though you’ve truly come to terms with the breakup, and this is something you really need to do. Harsh though it is, you must tell yourself – and get friends to tell you, too – that this guy is part of your past. 

It will help you accept that this chapter in your life is over if you go on a few casual dates. Don’t rush into a relationship; just remind yourself that there are other guys out there. He isn’t shy about showing off other girls, after all. 

Take up a new hobby, socialise more, and if you feel the urge to stalk your ex, phone a friend or distract yourself by just going for a walk. 

If you really can’t get rid of these obsessive thoughts and feelings, seek help from a therapist. 

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to [email protected].

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