I was nervous asking for oral sex – here’s how I learned to speak up

‘Would you go down on me next time?’ 

I vividly remember the first time I asked a partner this question.

Having never given or received oral sex before, and too afraid to say the words directly to his face, I took my shot while he was in the bathroom. 

The guy I was dating – who was older and more experienced than me – peeked his head out of the room, looking a bit awkward, and I held my breath, playing through all kinds of scenarios in my head. 

But his answer was still unexpected: ‘I would love to but I’m not really into hair down there’.

Already feeling insecure about my body – I was quite young at the time – I was mortified.

I’d never discussed pubic hair with my friends and it wasn’t a topic they talked about in sexual health classes at school (they should have, but that’s another column) so his comment took me by surprise.

This was also during the late noughties, when being plucked, waxed and shaved within an inch of one’s life – from your vulva to your eyebrows – seemed to be all the rage.  

Two things happened after this experience. 

Firstly, I immediately picked up a razor to make myself look ‘more desirable’. 

Sadly, it would be years before I accepted that it’s normal to have hair on your genitals – or not, if that’s what you prefer. 

Secondly, and without really noticing it, I also began avoiding receiving oral sex, telling myself that ‘it’s not my thing’.

Reflecting on it now, I realise my reluctance wasn’t just about ‘hair-gate’. 

As I grew older, sleeping with and dating other men, it soon became apparent that while men expected blowjobs as pretty much standard, it was quite different when the shoe was on the other foot.

Very few of the men I dated in my early to mid-20s seemed all that keen on giving oral sex, and that made me equally uninterested in pressing the issue – though the inequality around this sex act also annoyed me.

Intended or not, these men made me feel like it was a bit of a chore and they would rarely do it unless I took care of their oral needs first. Some of them went down on me for a token few minutes. Not exactly long enough for me to climax, only confirming my suspicions that it was an obligation for them. 

That meant when it did happen, I was too busy thinking about what I looked like or worrying about how they felt about the experience, instead of focusing on my own pleasure. 

I’ve always happily given oral sex but it’s only in the past five years that that I’ve felt comfortable asking – or desiring – for it to be reciprocated.

But for years, I felt awkward about it – and I’m not the only one.

One acquaintance told me that he was really eager to go down on his girlfriend and had tried multiple times, but she kept pulling his head up – which he believed was due to embarrassment. 

It took almost a year for her to trust him enough to do so. 

It feels like it’s only in the last decade that we’ve begun truly talking about women’s pleasure in the bedroom

Someone else told me that she worries about what she tastes like, while another friend said they would like to receive more oral sex from their partner but are too afraid to bring it up in conversation.

Stats seem to back it up too, with plenty of studies showing the ‘oral sex gap’ for women. A 2016 UK study saw participants admit that it’s ‘easier’ for men to receive oral sex compared with women, and both genders described going down on women as a ‘bigger deal’.

It feels like it’s only in the last decade that we’ve begun truly talking about women’s pleasure in the bedroom.

Often we’re told by society that it’s inappropriate to discuss things that are completely normal like what our vulva and vagina looks, feels, tastes and smells like – during sex or in general – or how our body changes during our cycle. 

Equally, the clitoris is portrayed as this mysterious thing that you’re better off avoiding than mastering. 

While I’ll admit that penises may come with more obvious ‘instructions’, I personally believe that this reluctance from some in giving similar attention to their partner’s vulva or clitoris is often down to lack of effort – or fear that you won’t do it right.

You shouldn’t keep score in the bedroom. But having sex is a two (or more) person job, and everyone deserves pleasure. 

In the past few years, I’ve received some amazing oral sex and it’s thanks to sexual partners who were patient, understanding and made it abundantly clear that they love doing it – and it makes for a better experience for both of us.

They’ve listened to my concerns, like why I prefer lying down versus sitting on someone’s face (I feel sexier this way) or why I sometimes opt for the 69 sex position, because it means we’re both focusing on the task at hand.

My newfound love of oral sex isn’t just about receiving more of it from enthusiastic partners, though that certainly helps. It’s also about my own mindset.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that it takes me longer to orgasm this way, if I do at all, and that I don’t need to rush. I try to stay in the moment.

I no longer care if there is hair on my vulva or if my stomach looks wonky from a certain angle. My partners get what they get, and can either take it or leave it. 

Most importantly, I am no longer afraid of the question that once terrified me.

So, say it with me: ‘Could you go down on me?’

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