When you first get together with someone new, you can’t imagine what could ever split you apart.
They’re so dreamy. You’re so in love. What could possibly go wrong?
According to psychologist Dr Audrey Tang, there are three issues that are likely to spring up – and when they do, if communication breaks down, the relationship is in trouble.
So, how can you prepare yourself for these common pitfalls? And how can you fix them when they rear their heads?
Ahead, Dr Audrey explains three common areas of communication issues between couples – and how to deal with them.
Money
Failing to talk about money, from your spending style to your saving plans? An easy way to doom your relationship.
‘Financial compatibility (or at least for your financial situation to cause minimal to no strain in your relationship) is an important factor in healthy relationships…or at least financial incompatibility is a key factor in divorce,’ Dr Audrey tells Metro.co.uk. ‘Britt (2013) found in a survey of over 4000 couples in the US, that “arguments about money are the greatest predictor of divorce”.’
How to fix the issue: Money
Have conversations about money. It’s important.
Dr Audrey worked with UK credit card provider Vanquis to research this topic, and she notes four key categories to cover, with questions/prompts to ask yourself and your partner.
Your financial behaviours and beliefs
- What were your parents like about money?
- Do you have any regrets over money?
- Are your parents paying off any of your bills? (This question can give a huge insight into that person’s own sense of responsibility and capability…not just financially.)
- Do you track your money?
- What do you consider ‘expensive?
Your financial status
- Do you have student loan debt?
- Are you comfortable with credit card debt/Do you have credit card debt?
- Does anyone depend on you financially (you may know about children, but what about parents or relatives?)
Dr Audrey adds: ‘If one person is earning significantly more, can you come to any agreement as to how you might treat each other, or pay for items? While one person can afford luxuries, the other may not, so you may compromise by only having one big meal out per month at a restaurant that is affordable for you both.’
Your financial goals
- What are you saving up for?
- What financial plans do you have for the next five, 10, 15 years?
- This can also include – how are we, as a couple, planning on spending our money (see next category)
Are you combining your finances?
- What are our plans for buying a home?
- How do you see payments being made for joint/family needs? (Many couples now keep a joint account for joint expenses, but retain their own ones for work/spending/personal income)
- Am I on your pension… do you want to be on mine?
- Do we have a will? Or how are we writing our wills? (This question relates to estate planning and who you both wish to provide for…don’t forget it might turn out that while you may wish to leave an amount to children, your partner wishes to leave their share to charity.)
- Do we have a ‘safety net’ for health needs? Who is paying for our health insurance?
Long-term goals
You need to be on the same page when it comes to your vision for the future.
But when we’re in the early stage of romance, it’s easy to ignore the reality of mismatched goals, or assume that you can ‘work through’ them.
The truth is: if you don’t communicate about your goals for the future, it’s likely one of you will start to sacrifice yours for the other’s to try to smooth over the cracks, leading to resentment.
Ignore the big topic for long enough, and your individual goals can get left by the wayside, only to result in a breakup when you wake up and realise that you’ve missed out on your dreams.
How to fix the issue: Long-term goals
Simple: talk about your vision for the future, sooner rather than later.
‘Have the conversation when you are thinking about the relationship being longer term,’ suggests Dr Audrey. ‘Or, if you are worried about having it too late, it is better to have them early, although casually – ie. while you don’t want a prospective partner thinking you’ve already got your life together planned, there is no harm in asking questions like:
- If money were no object, what would you be doing now?
- In an ideal world, what would you like to be doing?
‘Arguably, if this causes your mate to panic, then perhaps that speaks to their ability to have a responsible conversation.’
‘Sadly, also, if you do find your dreams are not compatible, it is better to split up early before you have invested too much emotion, time and energy.’
The emotional affair
All too often, emotional affairs happen because there’s some kind of communication breakdown in the relationship.
We’re not getting something we want from our partner, or we’re uncertain about our future and want to test the water with someone else.
As you’d expect, an emotional affair – where one person is having intimate conversations with another person or flirting – is corrosive to your bond.
How to fix the issue: The emotional affair
Dr Audrey says: ‘If you recognise that you are connecting with others over your partner, and more so if you find you are complaining about your partner to that person rather than trying to sort it out directly, then it is time to reflect on what am I currently missing?
‘Or what is this person (the alternative) giving me that I feel is lacking in my relationship?
‘Raise the conversation with your partner over what is missing and see if it can be fixed.’
How to communicate better in a relationship
A great set of prompts come from Rosalind Wiseman’s book Queen Bees and Wannabees and she reminds us to SEAL when it comes to emotional conversations:
S – Strategise – take a step back and decide what it is you want out of the situation
E – Explain (as it says! – but this can also include explanations such as “I need to talk about how I’ve been feeling and see what we can do to change it” or “It wouldn’t be fair for me to let you assume x when I meant y”)
A – Affirm – be clear on what action you are going to take or want to take
L – Lock in or out – this is knowing whether you want the relationship to continue and on what basis.
– Dr Audrey Tang
Dr Audrey Tang is a chartered psychologist, wellness expert and author of The Leaders Guide to Resilience
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