Tugas Untuk Mata Kuliah Cross Cultural Communication ( S2 Studi Penertejemahan , Universitas Udayana, Denpasar ) COMMUNICATION GAP BETWEEN

MEN AND WOMEN Paulus Subiyanto 1. Introduction Naturally men and women make an interaction and build a relation in marriage. This domestic relationship is constructed by communication. So, a prominent increase of divorce may be comprehended as a problem of communication between men ( husband) and women ( wife). Quoted from statement of an officer Denpasar Court Koran Tokoh and Tabloid Supremasi August 2004 edition stated that 60 % public cases ( kasus perdata ) is divorce. In United Stated , 50 % marriage ends with divorce. Based on this reality , the question is why men and women can fail to communicate each other. Not only in domestic sector, nowadays men and women also weave relationship or partnership publicly through their activities in corporation, organization, and politics. The increasing opportunity for women to participate in public life , sometimes, causes a kind of gender tension and conflict. For example, issues on women quota in Representative House , violence on women law, women workers,etc And the fact that there are a lot of women organizations or movements shows us that there is a problem in relationship between men and women in public sector. A sociolinguist Deborah Tannen, Ph.D in You Just Don,t Understand ( 1998:27) states that conversation between men and women is a kind of cross cultural Quoted from communication. Although they grow up in the same family, culture, and environment, but men and women grow up in a different world of words. anthropologists research ( Daniel Maltz and Ruth Borker ), young boys and girls have a different way of speaking to their friends although they play together, they have a

different favorite game, Boys tend to play outdoor, in a big group arranged with hierarchy, there is winner or loser in the end of play. While young girls prefer playing in a small group or pair, friendship and closeness are their motives. All get a turn to play, and there is no winner or loser.

Another research that shows the different pattern of interaction between boys and girls ( J. Gottman in Same and Cross-sex Friendship in Young Children, 1989 ) reveals that children of age 3 have 50 % of their friends with the different sex, age 5 with 20%, all children of age 7 don not have a close friend with different sex. This pattern will change when they grow up into adolescence. As we know how people raise and educate boys and girls differently makes men and women grow in different culture, how society and custom also treat and expect them differently . The question is because of such differenceswhether men and women have different ways of speaking so that it may be a potential conflict in communication between them 2. Behind What Men and Women Say Les and Leslie Parrot in Relationships ( 2001: 10 ) states that human being has an emotional need to build relation through communication because they continuously hunger for intimacy. However, human relationship between men and women is full of conflict and misunderstanding . John Gray in Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus ( 1992 :2) said that men wrongly expect women to think, communicate, and react as men ; and so, women expect men to think, feel, communicate , and respond as women. They forget that they are different, so conflict and tension will disturb their communication and relation. Deborah Tannen ( 1998 : 4 ) said that intimacy and freedom are keys in human relationship. Intimacy means that individual can negotiate a complex friendship , minimize differences, try to get consensus, and avoid superiority and inferiority pattern. Freedom is related with status in which individuals can tell what they want to tell,

and to make a hierarchy . Both men and women of course have such two motives when they communicate to others. Women , however, tend to pursue intimacy, and men to get freedom. communication. Because of this different motives, they develop different ways of This difference can make men and women have different Further, men and women motivated by

understanding towards the same reality.

their motive develop their ways of communication. For examples, it is difficult for a husband ( men) to ask permission or opinion from his wife ( women) to decide some simple things, whereas for the same case, a wife usually asks her husband for everything. Asking permission for men means losing their freedom or status, however for women it means to build intimacy in relationship. In a formal circumstancesmeeting, seminar, discussion, etcmost much talkers are men, but in an informal situation, women are talkactive. When men speak, they want to show their status. In such situations, for men , asking question is not always want to know something, but sometimes to show I know something. This different motives in communication between men and women freedom and intimacy-- may help us to comprehend why conflict and misunderstanding can take place in their relationship. 3. Problem Solver vs. Peace Maker Bill and Pam Farrel in Single Men are Like Waffles, Single Women Are Like Spaghetti ( 2002 ) illustrates the difference between men and women on the structure of ways of thinking. Men mind is like boxes ( waffles ) consisting one space for each problem. Men can enjoy to work on one space ( single problem) at a certain time. It is difficult for men to work or live in some problems at the same time. They want to solve the problem one by one systematically. For men, solving a problem gives a feeling of success. Therefore, men tend to see everything as a problem to solve. Different from men, women mind is more complicatedeach problem is related one to another ( like spaghetti). Women can do and think many things at the same time, solve a problem from many points of view everything is related. Pay attention when women are talking and gossiping, they can talk many different topics easilynot necessary get

solution or conclusion. This kind of women talking sometimes makes men unpatient or feel odd, and judge them as wasting time or irrational. Because women make communication to build relationship in which they will find intimacy, they tend to avoid conflict and need peaceful condition. Some researches about human brain reveal that the content of human brain is different between men and women10 % men brain more than womens. However, men tend to use left brain to solve problem, women use both right and left brain. communication, and have potential for conflict. 4. Conclusion : Toward Understanding Based on basic differences between men and women and their influences on This neurological differences of course cause men and women have different ways in

communication, how to bridge this divergence? Communication will be successful if it creates an understanding on both sides. Here some suggestions : a. Men and women should acknowledge and realize their differences, especially on ways of communication. b. Men and women should try to understand ( to listen or to speak ) from the others point of view. c. Try to understand the message behind the words based on gender perspective.

At last, this simple study needs to be observed further, especially through field researches.

5. References Farrel Pam and Bill, Single Men are Like Waffles, Single Women are Like Sphagetti, Harvest House Publisher , Oregon 2002 Gray Jhon, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, HarperCollin, New York 1992 Leclerc Annie,Kalau Perempuan Angkat Bicara ( terj.) ,Penerbit Kanisius Yogyakarta 2000 Parrot Les and Lesslie, Relationships,(Terj.), Gospel Press, batam 2001 Tannen Deborah, Ph.D, You Just Dont Understand,(Terj) ,Kentindo Soho, Jakarta 1998