TheProblemWithWomenIsMen Volume2

introduction
Kudos for
The Problem with Women… is Men: Volume 2
“There are reasons Charles J. Orlando has over half-a-million fans on

Facebook following his musings—he's honest, transparent,
knowledgeable, and is the perfect combination of ‘Hitch’ meets ‘Carrie
Bradshaw’.”
Jenna McCarthy, author of If It Was Easy,

They'd Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon
“Charles successfully demonstrates what may very well be the ultimate

secret of success in social media: Share a strong point of view with a
human personality, and do it consistently. That's the spark that fans
can't help but flock towards.”
Rohit Bhargava, best-selling author of

Personality Not Included and Likeonomics
“Charles has revolutionized the way we talk about relationships in the

social space while creating serious fan-demonium around our most
basic desire: To be loved and understood by the opposite sex. Spend
two minutes on his Facebook page and you'll be hooked for life.
Read this book, and you may just become his next stalker.”
Lisa Steadman, best-selling author of

It's A Breakup, Not A Breakdown
ii
The Problem with Women… is Men
volume two: a social media memoir
Charles J. Orlando
Copyright © 2011 Charles Joseph Orlando
All rights reserved.
Published and Distributed by CreateSpace Publishing
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or

mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without
permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who
may quote short excerpts in a review.
Printed in the United States of America
First Printing: December 2011
ISBN: 1468028030
ISBN-13: 978-1-468-02803-4
Family & Relationships / Interpersonal Relations
Facebook, its officers, employees, affiliates, subsidiaries or other entities endorse

neither this book nor the author, and none should be inferred.
The Problem With Women Is Men is a trademark of Charles Joseph Orlando.

All other trademarks and copyrights are the property of their respective owners.
More information can be found online at

http://www.theproblemismen.com
or on Facebook at
http://facebook.com/theproblemismen
DISCLAIMER
What you are about to read is advice and opinion. The techniques
written, referenced and presented in this book (and any/all associated
webpages and websites referred to herein) have worked for many
people, but they may not work for all. Please use your discretion before
trying any of these techniques in your own relationship or situation.
The author assumes no responsibility for any real or perceived positive
or negative result of having read and/or acted on the information
offered within these pages.
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments i
Introduction 1
Part One: Tips, Quips, and Witticisms 5

Part Two: Essays and Articles 89
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
A huge thank you to my family who tirelessly offered their understanding

as I sat and engaged a global audience on Facebook — around the clock.
“Dad, put your phone/iPad down,” still rings in my ears. I offer my
sincerest appreciation for allowing me to reach and help so many people.
•••
To everyone who got involved on Facebook and offered their thoughts,

opinions, and support for my writing: I am in perpetual awe of how you
allowed me to come into your lives and offer my perspective… and for
listening. I so appreciate you.
•••
An honest, heartfelt “Thank you!” to every person that came on to my

Facebook page and told me to go fuck myself. It was because of you that
I knew I was on to something. I love my Haters… they motivate me.
•••
To D, J, D, and D: A wise man once said…
•••
To Jack: I am your smirking revenge.
i
ii
INTRODUCTION
The Problem with Women… is Men – Volume 1: The Evolution of a Man’s

Man to a Man of Higher Consciousness was published in November 2008
amidst a flurry of kudos and positive reviews (as well as the anticipated—
albeit misguided, yet perpetual—blatant hatred from the misogynists of
the world). The resulting success was both exciting and surreal to me, as I
didn’t have a clear vision of what I would feel like after it was published. I
had interviewed 1,600 people over four years to write that book… and
the resulting research was both amazing and gratifying. The notion that
others would enjoy what I wrote wasn’t something I had contemplated…
I just knew I had to write it.
And with its publishing, the thoughts and opinions about the
content contained therein—and the meaning behind it all—was discussed
and argued over by thousands. The title itself was polarizing with a
multitude of opinion around its “true meaning”, but those people who
chose to read beyond the cover saw that it was not a man-bash. The
feedback—both positive and negative—was amazing to receive, in that I
had lived virtually alone with the effort of researching and writing; to
have it read, considered, contemplated and discussed was very exciting.
I continued to write, penning articles for various magazines and

websites, and furthering my efforts of evangelizing relationship equality.
It was tremendously rewarding to reach so many people with my words,
but I felt I was missing something from the experience; writing for
readers is very one-way—I write, they read… zero interaction. As I
discovered, the activity I enjoy most about being a writer isn’t only the
writing, it’s also the research—specifically the engagement of the people I
speak with and the impact I’m able to make on their lives. I longed to
keep that real-world connection to readers. So in June 2009, I embraced
the growing acceptance of Social Media and launched a Facebook Page
for The Problem with Women… is Men, offering relationship advice, real-
world observations from my perpetual want to enlighten myself and
others regarding relationship issues, and engaging readers and fans of my
writing.
1
/theproblemwithwomenismen: volume two
To my amazement—and without any form of advertising or

promotion—my the page grew—from a modest 600 Fans in March 2010
to over 560,000 at the time of this writing. Based on recent studies, it
now resides in the top 1% of Facebook Pages, and sits among the top
100 in the Books category (Source: AllFacebook.com). The raw number
of Fans might be impressive to many (it’s still totally surreal to me),
however it is but a single data point. After all, those are the people that
clicked the “Like” button. The number that means the most to me
personally: 68%. That is the average percentage of the Fans that return to
my book’s fan page on a monthly basis. To those people, I have impact
and am able to [potentially] positively affect their lives. And why do they
return? I asked them, and the feedback is humbling and incredible to
receive: That my thoughts and advice are “real, raw, and uncensored”.
(Well, nearly uncensored. Blatant misogyny and disrespect has never been
allowed and is deleted, are is all spam and advertisements… but anything
else is free game.) In short, I’m calling it like I see it… and they
appreciate it. (Again… I can only say, “Wow” and “Thank you!”)
The articles I’ve written as well as the statuses I’ve posted on

Facebook are completely original, and have been “liked” and commented
on by thousands. But Facebook, while the best medium for reaching a
global audience, doesn’t completely lend itself to a standard reading
experience—turning pages, backing up in reading, skipping ahead. In
contrast, a standard, physical book is not interactive and doesn’t allow the
reader to reach the author, much less other readers. My goal: To combine
these media; to reach people with my words and enable them to discuss
what they think about what they have read—both with me and others.
On my Facebook Page I offer perspective and experience in the words I
post, but the long-term value is the power and opinion of the community
there—over half-a-million people around the world to-date. As such, it’s
your opinions, thoughts, agreements, disagreements and arguments—
whether “LOLs” or “STFUs”—that are central to the reading experience.
To that end, I’d like to welcome you to perhaps the first physical
book that leverages an online experience for continued discussion. On
the pages that follow you’ll find over 200 of the top posts from my
Facebook Page, as well as the published articles and long-form essays that
received the most engagement and comments. In essence, this book is
Social, and Social is the book.
Following each post and/or article is a shortened URL to allow

you’re your continued engagement and involvement. Type the URL into
your web browser (or click it if you are reading this on a Kindle Fire, iPad
or iPhone) and you can join in the discussion. This is not “Social
2
introduction
Media”… it’s Social Engagement, and I’m thrilled you are involved. Note
that the number of “likes” and comments are as of the time of this
writing, and may appear higher or lower for you online. This is due to
individual users’ privacy settings, the possibility of some users deleting
their profiles and other variables. Also, as writing on Social Media is
“journalism in a hurry”, there have been a few misspellings online. To
ensure integrity and transparency, I have left those misspellings and
grammatical errors intact.
Thank you for continuing this journey with me and I look forward
to seeing you on Facebook.
3
4
PART ONE
TIPS, QUIPS
AND WITCIMS
5
From childhood, women are "taught"—via society, culture, or

upbringing—to think that it is *their job* to make life good for their
husband/family. It's not a woman's ''job'' to make life good for her
family... that's a joint effort. Moreover, she doesn't need to be a man's
background to his foreground, as she has her own wants, needs and
individuality to attend to. Support is one thing, but sacrificing one's
self is something else entirely... and leads to complete inequality... and
eventually resentment.
Likes 634 Comments 156
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In response to some people that feel that there are ''special

circumstances'' where it's hard NOT to cheat... I can't agree. :\ If
someone is unhappy, talk about it. If nothing changes, leave. There
are no ''accidental'' affairs. No one falls on a penis or into a vagina
''accidentally''... it's a choice. Just sayin'.
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[The Men That Women Have to Deal With] Hello Guy At The Gas
Station. I can see how having your Bluetooth headset perma-
mounted to your head can be distracting, and how those Ed Hardy
jeans hanging around your thighs can make walking a bit
cumbersome. So, I'm fine with you taking cuts to get gas. I wouldn't
want you to be late for your Douchebag Anonymous meeting.
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6
part one: tips, quips, and witticisms
There is only one way to rebuild trust once it has been broken: Over
time. Anything else isn't real... and if you've broken trust, you should
expect to do some serious work to rebuild it... if they choose to allow
you.
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Dear Guy: There you are, walking hand-in-hand with your girl... does
your other hand *really* need to be down your pants holding your
junk? No class, bro. It's not a security blanket -- and I can see from
there that it's not a two-hander... so please just leave it alone.
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To All Mistresses: Being the Other Woman isn't a good situation.

The truth is: He is CHOOSING to stay with his wife—for whatever
his reasons. If he were truly unhappy, he would leave; pure and
simple. With you in the mix, he has the best of both worlds—a wife
and a girl on the side—and you are not only allowing it, you are
enabling it. Don't be an OPTION... be an ONLY.
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7
Many men love reading Playboy... but would they if their wife or
girlfriend decided to pose? It's been well-documented that many
women feel posing nude is empowering (again, not all; many). Would
your man be upset if you posed? (But yet it's okay for him to look at
others in that magazine, yes?) Is that ownership, insecurity, or both?
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/posenude
To the men who say: ''Women bitch about the same stupid s*it all the
time!'' You might be right... but it ALSO might be because you keep
DOING the same stupid s*it all the time! My advice: Stop repeating
the stupid s*it... and see if she doesn't relax.
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People are always asking me: ''How do I keep the spark in my

relationship?'' Answer: Conscious Effort and Passion. Don't sleep
apart... cuddle and lay ''into'' the other person. Kiss them
passionately, like it's the last time you will. Love them like it's the first
time you have. And make love to them as if to say, ''Without you, I
may never be fully complete or happy.''
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8
Men who open doors, pull out chairs and treat a woman as a lady
*without it being mandatory* are acting chivalrous. However, too
many men do these things as a means of limiting a woman's
activities, thinking — or causing her to believe — she isn't capable.
Note to men: There is a big difference between modern-day chivalry
and controlling behavior. Women can usually tell if you're being
sincere.
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To the men sending me constant hatemail: I love it. Not only am I

going to start posting it here, I want to support your anti-Charles J.
Orlando efforts. :) I'm thinking I'll start a fan club for you. Let's call it
The I-Wanna-Slap-Charles-J.-Orlando Douchebag Brigade. Please let
know if I should send your membership cards to the same address
your ex-girlfriend dropped your box of s*it off at... because you
wouldn't listen and put effort in to the relationship. :D
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So many men are homophobic... and it fascinates me how some sit

around on weekends watching other men in tight pants roll around
on top of each other, fighting over balls. Just sayin'.
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9
So many men get it confused. If a woman has had a bad day, is

pissed off at someone/something, or doesn't understand
something... the guy *doesn't* have to solve it for her. To assume she
can't handle it is patronizing (at best) and/or controlling (at worst).
My advice: Just *listen*... that's all she wants you to do. She'll ask if
she wants your help.
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A great relationship isn't about making everything totally perfect... it's

about looking past some of the things that aren't. Just be sure you
aren't sacrificing your own core wants and needs.
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Forgiving an affair — even an online-only affair — is MORE than

difficult... but it's a personal decision. Should you choose to work on
things and get past it... my advice: 1) Recognize that you cannot
control if they do it again. Trust them, or get out. 2) Discuss what
caused him to look elsewhere for love/attention/sexual gratification.
Talk about it *openly* and *completely*... it's the only way to get
back to a place of communication and trust.
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10
[For Men: Definitions] #1 Bad PMS: When you wake her sweetly,
and she throws the alarm clock at you for not making coffee fast
enough. #2 Bad Time of the Month: When she answers the door like
Jack Nicholson in The Shining... and the UPS guy runs back to the
truck without asking for a delivery signature.
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[Clarification] Look... just because I'm an advocate for relationship

equality doesn't mean men shouldn't have balls and be confident.
Really... there's nothing worse than a bitch-ass man. Guys: Come with
your confidence and leadership qualities at the forefront, but with
your ego in-check... she'll love you for all of it.
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The best gift you can receive isn't bought at a store or purchased
online. The BEST gift is your time. It can never be returned,
outgrown, or replaced... and it's that time that you will remember.
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11
If you are in a relationship with someone who shows you that they
don't value you—and you've done all YOU can—what are you
STILL doing with them? Putting MORE effort into someone who
won't/refuses to reciprocate is virtually guaranteed to prove fruitless.
The truth is you can't *make* someone learn a different way... people
learn things on their own schedule and choose their own paths. You
can't *make* them love and/or value you.
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Dear Men: You don't have to be the perfect man to make her happy.
All you have to do is be the man you said you were when you first
met her.
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Dear Men: If you don't treat her right, don't be pissed or surprised
when someone else does. Taking a woman for granted leads to just
one place: Her finding someone who appreciates her... for HER.
Likes 1,338 Comments 155
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12
Dear Men: It's not YOU that women are dissatisfied with. It's
*SOME* mens' juvenile, underdeveloped outlook on relationships
that causes women to want to throw up their hands and give up.
That, and too many men leave their underwear on bathroom floor,
use keys as Q-Tips, and/or look in the tissue after they blow their
nose.
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[Definitions] "In a minute, Honey." — Latin in origin. A term uttered

mostly by men. Translation: "I have no intention of doing what you
asked. Maybe later, if I remember."
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Men: Don't get stuck in the thought that romance is all that counts.
It's variation and a combination of activities and efforts that will
maintain her interest. So, while soft music, candlelight and sensual
massage is often greeted with warm reception, rest assured that for
many, MANY women, it's passion and spontaneity that is key to her
wants/needs. Example: A candlelight dinner is great, but coming
home at lunch—by surprise—and grabbing the back of her hair and
kissing her the *instant* you walk in the door (without a word
spoken) will probably illicit a positive response. ;) (just watch your
timing).
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13
Why do some people fall in love — over and over again — with
those who are emotionally unavailable? Two main reasons: 1) Lack of
self-esteem, and they get/build their sense of self-worth by feeling
"needed" by an incomplete person. And 2) Ignoring red flags and
blatant warning signs... instead making excuses for poor treatment
and *choosing* to settle for someone's second-best efforts.
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One of the number one killers of long-term relationships: Being

taken for granted. Lack of gratitude leads to resentment... which
creates a whole host of problems. The cure: Be appreciative... not
only of what they do, but also of who they are.
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So many people ask me: "Charles - is it 'Once a cheater, ALWAYS a

cheater'?" Answer: No, not ALWAYS. HOWEVER, for me, the
question isn't: "Will they cheat again?" The *real* questions are: "Did
I deserve to be betrayed?" and "Why should I forgive someone who
wasn't sorry they cheated, only sorry they got caught?"
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14
The Recipe for a Long-Lasting Relationship: Start with a bowl of

Passion. Add two cups of Respect and 1 1/2 cups each of Trust and
Loyalty. Mix well. Add more Passion and stir. Add 3 cups of Love.
Sprinkle liberally with humor and continue to stir until well-blended.
Season with small amounts Snarky Sarcasm and Playfulness. Enjoy! ;)
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[It needs to be said] Men who perpetually disrespect the women in

their lives ARE NOT MEN... they are merely overgrown adolescents
with a defined propensity towards control, unnecessary dominance,
and emotional sloth. My advice to these men: Learn something new...
about how to treat the women you claim to love... and about yourself.
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Love should not be "unconditional". You can FEEL it

unconditionally, but unless you have—and maintain—standards of
how someone is permitted to treat you, you could be setting yourself
up to be a doormat. Hold the line. Don't put your *entire* self out
there. If THEY put part of themselves and YOU put part of
yourself, the relationship is whole WITHOUT sacrificing your
individuality.
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15
Rediscover intimacy and connection in your relationship. Make love

to your significant other in the dark, blindfolded, with only your
other senses to guide you. It takes a slow pace, trust, patience, and a
willingness to feel... everything a solid connection requires.
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Ladies: Have kids? Have a few stretch marks or flaws? Your man
have you convinced that no one else will want you because of
whatever? Don't buy that bulls*it. There are PLENTY of men that
will see past all that superficial nonsense. Besides... if he's bringing
that kind of stuff up, he's WAY too insecure (and that's his attempt
at keeping you down.)
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Exs are exs for a reason... and those reasons don't disappear
overnight. Don't be fooled by the emotional and physical/sexual rush
of rekindled love. If it's going to work out on a second go-'round,
there has to be fundamental changes in the dynamics of the
relationship.
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16
Men: A few things she won't tell you, but she wishes you'd do in bed:
1) Take your time and have fun, don't just do what gets her/you off
the fastest. 2) Kiss something besides her mouth (ankles and wrists,
anyone?) 3) Pulling hair might be good, but pinning her hair down =
fail. 4) Look her in the eye. 5) She won't respond to unconfident
requests; take charge, just leave the control/submission in the
bedroom.
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Never confuse "I love them" with "I need to save them." Love is
mutual... built on respect, honor, and WANT. Saving is built on
NEED — and not only their actual needs... mostly your need to
save/provide for them emotionally. "Saving" them doesn't usually
lead to successful, mutual, reciprocal love, respect and long-term
connection.
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Men have penises so they can hold the source of both their egos and
their insecurities in one hand... and at the same time.
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17
I love hearing some men discuss equality. From today: "Now that women
have equal rights, they should be doing some good in the world instead of
shopping for new shoes all the time." Interesting. Ignoring the
documented fact that women are suppressed around the world (including
having their clitorises removed with a sharpened rock in many countries),
you mean you want women to clean up the mess that men-in-power have
created? War, famine, global economic problems, lack of education, child
abuse, rape, murder without provocation, the perpetual quest for more
power... women should clean up all that, right? Sheesh... Just like so many
men: Throw a party and mess up the house... then expect a woman to
clean it up.
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Love and relationships should be about investing your time *with*

someone that enjoys who you are.. not being with someone out of a
sense of obligation, duty, or guilt. So the other person in your
relationship refuses to grow WITH you or address what you both
need, don't settle. Life is far too short.
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18
A guy who tells you he "doesn't want a relationship" but then calls
you all the time is doing two things: hedging his bets and not
committing. He gets all the benefits of a relationship—love,
affection, sex, YOUR time and dedication—but he then has the out
of "being honest" with you in that he's just 'not into a real/full
relationship right now.' The truth: BULLSHIT! (yeah, I said it.)
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Far too many men teach women the importance of gratitude and
appreciation... by showing then too little of both.
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Men: When she says she "wants to talk", she wants you to *listen* to
her… not simply wait until it's your turn to speak.
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19
The Right Guy trims the hair on his junk... the Wrong Guy scratches
it in public.
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Men get it wrong in thinking that women either want: 1) a man to

take charge 100% of the time and control things completely
(including her); or 2) a TOTALLY and COMPLETELY 50/50
relationship (read: a need to split EVERYTHING right down the
middle). Both of these thoughts do not promote a successful
relationship. Men need to come to the realization that today's women
want the best *both* worlds. They want a man who is confident, can
lead, can protect/provide (Alpha Male qualities), AND can be
emotionally-available, caring, honest and upfront, empathetic, and
actively *listen* without solving the problem right away. As I have
written, this takes practice and a willingness/desire to want to change,
but mostly it takes a self-realization that [many] aren't providing
what's wanted long-term by the women in their lives. Nothing wrong
with needing to grow... and everyone is on the path, just in different
places.
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Far too many people value their relationships... *just* when they are
about to lose them — when the other person emotionally disengages
and is halfway out the door. My advice: Don't let complacency rule.
20
Don't get comfortable. Stay passionate and engaged... much of the

rest will fall into place.
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Passion: When you want someone SO badly. Respect: When you

value them and they know it. Love: When you tell and show them
daily that you care. Successful relationships combine the all three.
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I keep hearing the same complaint from men: "Women never know
what women want." Not so... and please allow me to explain. Many
women DO know what they want... but as they evaluate different
choices (at different points on their lives), they change their minds
until they are comfortable. On the flip-side, many men seem to
decide what they want and — regardless of the ramifications —
attempt to alter the world around them to fit that choice. Personally, I
think women have a better system.
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If you're in a controlling relationship and you're constantly

wondering why he's putting you down or causing you to question
yourself, here's your answer: It's to keep you second-guessing about
who you are and cause you to doubt what you know... in an effort to
21
hold you back and maintain control. If they really loved you, they
wouldn't break you down... they'd build you up and support you.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/build_you_up
All men now have explicit permission to cheat on their wives and
girlfriends. Their approved mistress: Laundry. (After all... laundry isn't
gonna do itself.)
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/laundry_mistress
[Reality Check] Whether you are "for" or "against" gay marriage, you
have to admit one thing: If Gay Marriage was *only* between two
women, it would be legal. After all, I would bet that the male
politicians voting against it go home after work and watch girl-on-girl
porn.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/girl_on_girl
The situation: They say that they "love you" but they don't want a
relationship with a commitment. My advice: They need to get in the
relationship, or you need to make a different decision. After all, you
22
should NEVER make someone your priority when you are only their
option.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/never_be_their_option
[The Truth] Ladies: Want to know why he calls you... then ignores
you for days... then calls like nothing's happened? I'll tell you: It's
because YOU ALLOW IT. Stop settling for second-best. Demand
better treatment—or dump them cold—and men will have no choice
but to bring more to relationships.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/stop_allowing_it
Unfortunately, one of the surest signs a woman is being played by

her man… is her making constant excuses of why he doesn't treat
her right.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/signs_of_getting_played
So many relationships change at marriage due to one thing:

complacency. Far too many people consider marriage a destination
instead of a continuation of the journey, and spend their passion and
23
hunger reaching marriage, but then forget that the *real* journey has
just begun.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/real_journey
Ladies: There are some great men out there, but you won’t find them
if you ignore the warning signs, sacrifice your self-worth and
individuality, and settle for second-best. And by NOT settling, you
will quickly eliminate the men who don't really want you for the long-
haul... and you'll do with without taking a single hit to your self-
esteem.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/never_settle
A Quality Man will open a door for a woman. A Secure Man isn't
afraid to cry when appropriate. A Confident Man will take the lead in
bed. But a Great Man will do all these things, AND isn't intimidated
by a strong, successful woman.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/qualitymen
It is not a woman’s job to “make” a man grow or change. A man’s

journey starts from within himself. He has to see the need to alter his
behavior, his outlook, and his focus. If he isn't willing to do it
24
himself—and *for* himself— then he isn't willing to do it at all... and

nothing she can do will change that.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/a_mans_growth
"I love you" — An expression of respect, romance, emotional

connection, want, desire, and friendship. But it's just an expression...
the words mean nothing without action to back them up.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/back_up_your_words
[Double Standards] If you are a man, being “strong” means you're

powerful, probably worthy of respect. If you are a woman, being
“strong” often means you’re a bitch. Strength is a funny thing... and
by "funny", I mean "sexist".
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/funny_sexist
[Terms He'll Understand] Men: To ensure your car runs well, you
need oil. Oil makes sure engine parts slide smoothly. If you try to run
25
the engine without it, the engine will lock up and you won't be able to
start your car. Now with this in mind, let's talk about foreplay...
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/lube_it
Love is great... but don't make the mistake of sacrificing your own
wants, needs, and individuality for a relationship. Compromise is
important, but NEVER sacrifice who you are or what you really want
from life for the sake of a relationship.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/never_be_their_option
Men shouldn't "help" around the house. By "helping", it implies that

it's the woman's job and that he is "doing her a favor" by assisting. In
reality, it's 50% his job, too.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/housework_help
Women have been trying to adjust themselves and looking for ways
to "interpret" men and mens' behavior for years and years. It
shouldn't be necessary, as men should be meeting women halfway —
instead of society constantly requesting/requiring women to learn/
understand/ adjust for the man in their life. And THAT is why I
26
advocate MEN stepping up and making the changes... not only for
the women in their lives, but mostly for THEMSELVES.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/why_i_write
Couples that invest in each other and build their lives together, stay
together. But couples are also made up of *individual* men and
women… and those individuals most definitely have to have their
own lives (read: activities/interests that are THEIRS). Giving up your
individuality is THE issue in tipping the control scales in
relationships.
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Dear Men: If you've turned complacent and are now taking the lady
in your life for granted (intentionally or unintentionally), rest assured
she's going to start packing her bags emotionally. Keep in mind: For
every husband who won't, there's a neighbor who will... and if you
won't put in the effort, don't be pissed or surprised when someone
else does.
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The Game of Life (the board game for kids) is a fascinating look at
the push for non-individuality. In the game, you must get married
before you can buy a house and move forward in life. Nothing wrong
with marriage, but the choice of being with someone is independent
of other, *individual* choices. I mean, where is it written that you
must get married before achieving your personal goals in life?
27
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/game_of_life
Many men like to tell women: "Stop trying to change me. I am the
way that I am," as an explanation/excuse for various half-a$$ed
behaviors. My thoughts: That's crap. Men—like women—are the way
they CHOOSE TO BE. Men: Stop blaming bad behavior on that
weak, played-out excuse. ANYONE can choose to grow and learn
new things. IT'S A CHOICE.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/change_is_choice
[Dating] In speaking with thousands of women to write my book

(and other articles), one thing became clear: When a woman is
looking for a no-strings situation (read: NOT a steady relationship,
no emotional attachment, no commitment ), she likes her men they
way she likes her vacations—Long enough to make her feel good,
lots of space and relaxation time, with meals and cocktails included.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/her_vacation
Lust is like fashion: A rush, fascinating... but ever-changing and

potentially fleeting. Real Love, however, is like art: Born of pure
passion, emotionally-charged, transcending "connection" but instead
personifying "souls intertwined". For me, I'd rather be artistic that
fashion-conscious.
28
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/lust_is_like_fashion
Insecurity is a combination of a need to control something/

someone, and a lack of self-esteem. In reality, there is no way to
control anyone to *make* them do what you want... they have to
*choose*.My advice: Don't waste energy on what you can't control
about THEM... concentrate on what you can do about your own
growth.
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Foreplay doesn't start in bed... foreplay starts when he does the

dishes.
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29
Some men name their penis... primarily because they don't want a
stranger making 90% of their decisions.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/penis_names
Monday must be a man... it comes too fast.
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Dear Strong, Independent Women: Men are naturally attracted to

you, but SO many men aren't secure enough in themselves to handle
what comes it: equality. Instead, these men hook up with a strong
woman and then try to break her down to conform to his ways. It's a
primal dance of conquest: being bonked on the head and dragged
back to someone's cave. My advice: Kissing a lot of frogs can get
repetitive, but it's the only real way to find a prince. ;) Besides, the last
thing you would want to do is end up with the wrong guy because
you settled. Stay strong and picky... it will pay off in the end.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/kissing_frogs
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Cheaters always say it was an accident... and that they're sorry. But
that's not entirely correct. Temptation is normal, and is all around
ALL of us. It's how you *respond* to temptation that defines you.
That's why those that *choose* to have affairs [usually] shouldn't be
given a second chance. By betraying, they have defined who they are,
and in that action they showed their complete lack of respect for the
other person... and themselves.
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All relationships are filled with good times and challenging times.
However, if the challenging times run for years, it's not called a
"rough spot in the relationship"... it's become a way of life.
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If [some] men don't learn to control their need to dominate the

women their lives, women might soon start receiving their Prozac
prescriptions with a complimentary Pez dispenser. These men need
to wake up and realize that they are stifling the very women they
swore to love, honor and cherish — and they give the truly great men
a bad rep.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/pez_prozac
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After hearing from over 1,000 women, their top sex fantasy:
"Forceful Sex". This does NOT mean anything violent... it's about
being SO desired, that "he must TAKE me." "Arms pinned above
my head" and "Kissed aggressively" topped the list. (Note to men:
These are FANTASIES, and are not for ALL women... and no need
to try them if you already know she doesn't roll that way. Also, it
requires finesse and TIMING.)
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/forceful_sex
Great men and women DO exist... but you won't find them if you
keep choosing the wrong ones over and over. After all, selecting
unavailable partners is to CHOOSE NOT TO SELECT the great
ones. Don't settle for mediocrity. Demand the best and they can
either respond in-kind... or they can be on their merry way.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/choose_great
If you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't value you—

and you've done all you can—what are you STILL doing with them?
Putting MORE effort into someone who won't/refuses to
reciprocate is virtually guaranteed to prove fruitless. The truth is you
can't *make* someone learn a different way... people learn things on
their own schedule.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/cant_make_anyone
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Society has convinced women to just accept "how men are", asking
women to believe that primal behavior are inextricably hardwired into
the DNA of men. As a man, please allow me to call "bulls*it!" on
that statement. Ladies, your job isn't to sit back and learn to cope
with men and their faults… but it might be to stop accepting [some]
mens' behavior.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/hardwired_dna
[Putting Effort In] Men need to accept more than they criticize, and
believe more than they doubt when relating to the women in their
lives. And if men can also stop trying to *solve* the problem and just
listen, things can change even more.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/man_effort
Dear Men: She'll understand why you don't call her for days on
end… so long and you understand why she is now interested in
another guy, now that you stopped putting effort in.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/she_will_understand
33
For those women who have a man who is constantly bickering with
them, here's the cure: Have him go down on you more often...
perhaps constantly. After all, he should have been taught at a young
age that it's rude to talk when your mouth is full. See? Everyone
wins. ;)
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/go_down_constantly
Dear Men: It's all in the kiss. Eight out of 10 women feel they
KNOW the potential passion and success of a relationship from the
first kiss. The secret to a great one: Start slowly, linger, lips, light
tongue, and pay attention to HER... she'll make it clear when the
timing is right for something more forceful. ;) (Extra points for cheek
caresses, back-of-neck rubbing, hair strokes, and staying SLOW to
start.)
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Turning water into wine — yeah… okay… I get it. But when more
men turn casual dating into love… and then love into *lasting*
relationships, I think then I'd be more impressed.
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34
Dear [some] Men: When you approach a woman with some lame,
insincere pick-up line and she blows you off, don't be bitter and call
her a "bitch" or assume she's a lesbian. Just accept the fact that you
are a whack-a-douche. Then, upgrade your approach to something
more sincere... maybe honest? I don't know... just sayin'.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/lame_pickup_lines
Why do men whine like babies when they’re sick? Men learn as
babies that loud complaining will get a boob put in his face… and
some apparently keep working that tactic well into adulthood.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/boob_in_the_face
Dear Men: You don’t have to look and act like George Clooney to
keep a woman with you. I’m sure women would be satisfied if men
stopped personifying the 7 Deadly Sins as a starting point...
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/seven_sins
35
[Six Secrets to Long-Term Relationships, for Men] Give up the

remote often. Listen to her; don’t solve her problems. Exercise. Do
the dishes & laundry together. Learn to fold a fitted sheet and towels
“her way”. Love her who she is today and what she wants to be
tomorrow.
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A man calls a woman an idiot once; it might be said out of anger. He

calls her an idiot again; it's probably his lack of personal control. He
calls her an idiot a third time; it's him exhibiting his insecurity and
being controlling. He calls her an idiot a fourth time... wait... why the
hell is she still there?
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The road to Happiness can be paved with people who play stupid
little games, and try to blame you for what you "do wrong" as a
method of covering for their own shortcomings and insecurities. My
advice: Learn how to read the signs of these insecure people, so you
can identify them early and leave them be. If you're already in it, find
the strength to move on... you're worth more.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/moving_on
36
People that put *everything* into their relationships and leave

nothing back for themselves are setting themselves up for failure. Just
as you put yourself into the relationship, it's just as important to
maintain your own life, interests, and friendships... and then *share*
those with your significant other.
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There is no Cardinal Rule stating that people must get married by X

date—or at all! Before taking the leap, it's not only important to
know your partner, it's perhaps even more important to know
yourself—who you are, and where you're going. After you know
those two things, who will go with you is a choice, not a forced
decision. And don't let anyone pressure you into committing before
you're ready... including yourself.
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The best way to get over a bad relationship is to IMMEDIATELY

get into a new relationship... with yourself.
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37
Common statement after an argument: "I said that out of anger. I

didn't mean it, so let's just let that go." Umm, okay. Better idea: How
about saying what you actually mean, or walking away and calming
down before saying something you'll regret?
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With long-term relationships, learning about each other and growing

together is normal—and expected... but life is too short to have to
teach someone *HOW* to love and respect you. Some if that is
earned, but much should come naturally... without "working" at it or
requesting how you want to be loved.
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Dear Men: Wanna drastically alter the dynamics in your relationship

for the better? Listen more than you speak, accept more than you
criticize, and believe more than you doubt when relating to the
woman in your life.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/better_relationship
38
To the men that say; "Men are simple! Just cater to our egos and we'll
do anything for you!" — That translates to: "Some men are SO
insecure, they need constant validation that they are masculine. If you
do that, they will try to please you." *rolls eyes* My advice —
Ladies: A complete, secure man won't need you to validate him AS a
man. After all, no one likes an insecure, borderline-bitch-ass guy.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/bitchass_men
[Relationship Pro Tip for Men] “Popping the question” doesn’t mean
to get drunk, drop to one knee, and beg for a three-way.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/pro_tip
There seems to be a rising trend of "dating by default"... meaning

that so many guys starting seeing a woman and never actually discuss
the level of commitment... they just start seeing them more often
until they have a girlfriend. No discussion, just assumption. My
thoughts: That's bulls*it. Men: Have the stones to step up and state
your intentions to her directly.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/dating_by_default
[Legal Terms] It's called "infidelity" or "adultery" because "dishonest,

backstabbing, cheating, lowlife piece of dog crap" doesn't fit in the
39
box on the divorce papers. Bottom line: No one can or will *make*
you stay married... just have the honor to finish one chapter before
you start a new one. That way, everyone can keep their dignity.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/low_life
Dear Mr. Player trying to flirt with every woman he sees: It's obvious
you think your God's Gift to the female gender, and I'm thrilled you
think so highly of yourself to walk in to the place, strut/peacock in
holding your junk, and looking around the room like a camera crew is
filming your every move. However, if you would simply be genuine
and speak *with* a woman instead of talking *at* them, you might
actually have sex... with a partner. Just thinkin' out loud...
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/dear_mr_player
You are the sum of whom you are, where you are going, and who's
going with you — a.k.a. the people around you. The question: Are
those around you committed to your happiness and success... or your
mediocrity?
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/sum_of_those_around_you
40
[Epiphany] Men: One way for you to avoid arguments, kill tension,
and keep her happy: Go down more than you let down. ;)
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/go_down
Men who have long-term affairs do so for a variety of reasons. Some

are just catering to their own egos or sexual curiosity... but so many
simply lack the honor, decency and courage to maturely end their
current relationship before beginning a new one. By cheating long-
term (with the unconscious goal of getting caught), they can
effectively end the relationship without confrontation. To those men:
No one is *making* you stay with your spouse... you *CAN* leave.
Why not give her the respect of leaving BEFORE you choose to
cheat?
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/long_term_affairs
Break-ups: Generally speaking, exs are exs for a reason... and that
reason usually isn't a good one. My advice (unless children are
involved or the rarity that the break-up was mutually respectful):
Disconnect, delete, unfriend, and disassociate. By keeping phone
numbers, friend status on Facebook, etc... you are still hooked in. If
you're not with them, they don't deserve your association with them.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/defriending_exs

For those in a relationship with someone who won't commit, and
you're wondering what to do: Get your expectations out in the open.
If you are in love with someone who isn't interested in meeting you
where you're at emotionally, you are setting yourself up for heartache.
41
Tell them what you need and stick to it. If it ends up more of the
same, consider cutting your losses quickly rather than invest more
time in someone who is just there to hit-it-and-quit-it.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/clear_expectations
Given the seemingly unbalanced priorities of so many men today, I

would bet that women would get more (and better) foreplay if they
had a picture of an XBOX controller tattooed to the outside of their
vaginas. *rolls eyes* I guess it's just a matter of what's important.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/whats_important
To the men that write into me stating: "Shut up, Charles! Men are the
way they are because they are primally built to be protectors/
providers." Umm.. perhaps, but let's evolve past the sum of our
DNA, no? Most women aren't satisfied long-term with a bit of cash
and a weekly shag. You'd think these [cave]men would learn that
investing emotionally in a relationship (and their partner) might
create a true connection... maybe even allow them to... oh, I don't
know... stop draggin' their f*ckin' knuckles on the ground?! Sheesh.
*walks out of cave and slams the door*
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/knuckle_draggers
Dear Men: As a little girl, the lady in your life didn't dream of a man
who would give her mediocre efforts, love for a limited time, and the
bare minimum to keep her from bitching. She dreamed of a man
who wanted her... ALL of her. No woman wants complacency... they
42
want passion, love, affection, energy, and your very best. Bring it, and
she won't just *be* yours... she'll *stay* yours.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/what_she_wanted
It is written that "Behind every great man is a woman." However,

given the number of women that have connected with me to ask why
the man in their life holds them back and keeps them down... I'm
thinking that, in many cases, this could be rewritten as: "In front of
every potentially powerful woman is a mediocre man who is too
insecure to support her ambitions, and who won't get out of her
way."
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/great_man
Basic relationship instructions for men: #1 LISTEN to her... don't

just wait for your turn to speak. #2 Know this: If you feel you
MUST ask her a question about her sexual past, you probably won't
be secure enough to handle the answer. #3 Treat her as you did at the
beginning, *before* she was a sure-thing. #4 If you wouldn't have
the guts to say it to your mother, why would you say it to her? #5
Don't assume you automatically know what she wants in bed, as it
will change. Just pay attention.
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Dear Men: You have a mother, so don't look for your significant
other to tell you what to do—or worse, to do things you should be
doing yourself... as a grown man. You should, however, have enough
43
self-confidence to not be intimidated and accept what she says when

she tells you how she *feels* about things.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/two_mommies
A successful relationship doesn't depend on what men *do* for the

woman in their life... it's what men learn about *themselves* and how
they apply it back to their relationship *with* her that counts.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/its_not_what_you_do
One of the keys to a great relationship: Spontaneity. Far too often,

we all are guilt of going through the routine of life: bills, kids,
errands, jobs, grocery shopping. To keep passion alive, keep part of
your romantic efforts spontaneous. :)
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On weight: Where is it written that women have to be built like a 12

year-old girl with DD breasts... and the men requesting this don't
*have* a six-pack... they drink one in one sitting? My take: Firstly,
women should be built like WOMEN — with curves (or not), with
imperfections (or not) — and not like girls. Secondly, to these men:
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before you criticize, you might consider hitting the treadmill more
than once since grade school. Just sayin'.
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Some people rally against nudity of women saying that it harms the
perception of equality and feminism. I can't agree. In my opinion,
there's nothing wrong with the human body (done tastefully). The
real issue is the *perceptions* of women perpetrated by the media —
Snooki on Jersey Shore, Real Housewives "stars", even the purported
"intelligence" of SOME female politicians — that damage the
inherent strength of women and quest for equality.
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In order for a romantic relationship to be successful, four things

MUST be in-place: Respect, friendship, trust, and passion. With those
elements, a couple can face anything... together.
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If you're involved with someone that is attempting to control you

and order you about, you have a choice: 1) You can put your foot
down RIGHT AWAY and let them know that you will not be under
*anyone's* thumb—ever—and then hold the line; OR 2) You can
ignore it, and hope it goes away. But let me tell you: it most likely
won't go away... it will get worse, and it will happen slowly over time.
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For countless men, having a three-way is their sexual Holy Grail. But
I don't think men consider the *whole* picture... meaning, maybe she
wants a three-way, too. Maybe she's been checkin' our your best
friend and thinks about being taken by you AND him! Ah ha... three-
ways aren't so cool now, eh?
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Given the rising divorce rate, is marriage now obsolete? Hardly.

Marriage is not the issue... *commitment* and open communication
are at the heart of the problem. Marriage is a legal and/or spiritual
binding of two people… but if commitment isn't there at the start
and loyalty becomes a matter of subjectivity or convenience, the
marriage is *already* nonexistent. Cheating then becomes a symptom
of a secretly failed marriage.
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Plants need water. If you stop watering them, they wilt and die. No
matter how many years the plant lives, it will ALWAYS need the
proper amount of water... never less. Relationships are the same, but
not with water... with effort and passion. They won't need less
because years have passed.
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It's called a break-up because it's broken. Most of the time, there is
no need to try and get back together thinking it will work out. After
all, when you go to the refrigerator and take out the milk... and it's
bad... you don't put it back and hope it's good tomorrow. You throw
that sh*t out and get new milk!
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When will men be secure enough to get it straight? Women are NOT
looking for some over-sensitive, weak, bitch-ass man. They *want* a
confident/strong man, to be sure... but they also want a man who
knows three things: ) That his place is NOT keeping her down/back
to compensate for his insecurities; 2) That he will treat her as an
equal, not as some mindless subordinate (regardless of who makes
the money in the house); and 3) That him loving her also includes
respect, gratitude, humor, and a willingness to be the man she first
met.
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Relationship Secret: When she's talking, discussing her thoughts, she

just wants to be heard. She's evaluating her thoughts in the air... not
necessarily looking for a solution. There is no need for him to
automatically try to solve her problem... just *listen*. If she wants
advice, she'll ask him for it directly.
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Jealously will you nowhere, and is a direct reflection of your own

insecurity. If you are insecure in your relationship, discuss it. If you
don't trust them, take the time to think about why: Are they showing
signs of dishonesty, or are you just afraid of losing them? If it's the
former, why are you there? If it's the latter, you need to realize that
you can't control them.
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"Unconditional Love" — It might be possible for some, but loving

someone "unconditionally" means that you will love them *no matter
what they do*. But if they can do *anything* and you have zero
expectations, how do you expect them to value you? Where is your
self-worth? For love to be equal and relationships successful, things
have to be reciprocal.
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Ladies: Don't give in so easily to a man's first efforts when dating.

Why is this stupid game necessary? Besides it being a primal
motivator, perhaps Mark Twain said it best: "In order to make a man
covet a thing, it is necessary to make the thing difficult to attain." In
short: Unless he earns your affections, he won't value you long-term.
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If you're in a relationship where they have cheated, you're fighting all

the time, or they treat you poorly, the question shouldn't be: "Why
are they doing this to me?" The REAL question you should ask
yourself: "Why do I feel this is all I'm worth?"
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Why do some people have a hard time leaving a bad relationship?

People in these positions tend to focus on the "good things", and
thus are regretting what they perceive they will lose out of the
relationship. My advice: Unless kids are involved to complicate the
situation, put you and your core needs first. Once you put YOU as
the priority, the rest of the decision becomes clearer.
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Many men think they’re in control when receiving oral sex. What
men seem to forget is that the most sensitive part of their anatomy is
in a place where it can be *severed* from their bodies at the woman's
whim. This is NOT a man in control; it's a submissive act. Nothing
wrong with that, but given how many men seem to *prefer* oral...
should we infer that these same men are also naturally submissive in
bed... and that women who go down are naturally dominant?
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For those in a bad relationship and who want to leave... but you have
kids, so you stay -- I give you the airline flight attendant's advice: You
have to put YOUR oxygen mask on *FIRST* before you put the
mask on your child. If you can't save you... you can't save them.
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Don't ignore early warning signs in a relationship. If you make

allowances or excuses for their poor treatment of you early on, small
things will lead to bigger things as the relationship continues.
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[Complacency] After settling-in to a relationship, men don't put the

effort in anymore. We can talk about the superficial stuff—not
shaving on the weekends, no flowers, no foreplay, no romance—but
there is a much bigger issue: After marriage, kids, and time together...
so many men forget that women are women *first*, and girlfriends,
wives and mothers *second*. Women have their own individuality,
wants, needs, skills, and desires. Wake up, Men.
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Some women — from teen girls on up — suffer from low self-

esteem for a variety of reasons — from hormone levels to finding
their place in the world to releasing the challenges experienced during
childhood. But perhaps the most formidable of social foibles is the
media... specifically magazines. Nothing worse than viewing pictures
of body parts at a level of perfection that can NEVER be achieved
because they have been airbrushed into ambiguity. These pics silently
state one notion: "This is what you SHOULD look like, and if you
don't you will never be enough or acceptable." Two words: THAT'S
CRAP.
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Unless you focus on YOU, there will never be an US with anyone in

your romantic life.
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There are two types of men: Those who are secure in themselves and
who they are as MEN to not be intimidated with having a powerful
woman by their side, and those who are too insecure in their own
masculinity and too unclear about who they are to be comfortable
with a strong equal in a romantic relationship. The nagging question
for men: Which one are you? The critical question for women: Will
you sacrifice your own self-empowerment and worth to placate a
weak man who has his masculinity built on long outdated concepts
like "Me Man. Me Protect. Me Provide"?
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Ladies: Be wary of guys that say, "I like you, but I don't want a
relationship right now." That was one of my lines a long time ago.
For so many women, that line creates the challenge for her to try and
catch the man... and he has "honesty" on his side, in that he *told
you* he didn't want a relationship.
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Four Rules for a Great Relationship: 1) Be romantic. 2) Be

passionate. 3) Use your imaginations. 4) Never be rushed.
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Being angry or frustrated in your relationship doesn't necessarily

make you wrong or crazy. It's your consciousness telling you that
something needs to change.
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Relationships can be defined by how you act and what you say about
the other person... when they aren't around.
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Dear Men: What works in porn isn't necessarily what your lady is
looking for. Example: Pounding, pulling, pinching, and twisting the
most sensitive of a woman's body parts right from the start will earn
men extra points in Pornland, but in the real world there is a real
difference between aggressive sex and clumsy, seventh-grade
experimentation. Some women might be into pain and kink, but not
all. (A clearer definition: Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the
whole chicken.)
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[Double Standards] When men have a problem, it's said they are
"stressed" (which translates to them putting in SO much effort, is has
to come out). But when women have issues, they are dubbed
"depressed"... and require medication. I wonder... are they really
DEpressed... or quietly REpressed—perhaps by societal double-
standards and inequality? *puts finger to temple*
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When dating, some women end up kinda forced into protecting

themselves from [many] mens' behavior and their issues/
miscommunications. They have to interpret, defend, work to
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understand, and try to get to the root of the type of man he is... and
then hope he wasn't full of s*it the entire time. Perhaps these men
might have some HONOR and just be upfront from the start? Just
sayin'.
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Dear Asshole Guy who just yelled at his lady in public: To call you a
"douchebag" would be an insult to feminine hygiene products.
*shakes head* Some men are simply from the shallow end of the
gene pool...
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How do great women end up becoming stifled, broken and held back
by controlling men? These women oftentimes ignore early red flags
and make their choices. Then, their choices make them.
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The secrets to being great in bed: Leave your ego at the door. Then,
ask and/or pay attention to what they want… and then be willing to
give it to them.
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Dear Men: She'll appreciate you if you stop trying to bend her to
your will (like a caveman who bonked her on the head and dragged
her back to his cave). My advice: Just let her be HER... the rest will
then fall into place.
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So many men want/expect women to have little to no hair on their

privates... but going to the gym today, SO MANY guys in the locker
room look like they have Chewbacca in a *tight* leg-lock. Look guys:
If you can braid the hair on your junk, you might want to shave it
back. Get a weed whacker, if necessary.
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[The Reality] It's better to refuse to settle for second-best and be

single, than to sacrifice your wants, needs and self-esteem in order to
be in a relationship.
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A great relationship isn't about achieving something or getting to a

destination, as a "destination" is never reached. It's about the journey
through life... dancing through the unknown... together. It's the
experiences you share and the things you learn about each other...
and what you learn about yourself.
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Problems in relationships aren't usually seen as they are… those

problems are often seen as WE are. Example: If you are suffering
from low self-esteem, you could end up involved with someone who
controls you and belittles you… and you'll stay, put in more effort
and constantly think (subconsciously), "If I just do more, they will
love me." The only way out of this cycle is recognition of the
issue(s), and working to find a new path… for you.
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Being consistently attracted to and involved with people who treat

you poorly has much less to do with them, and much more to do
with how *you* feel about YOU. When you feel valuable to YOU,
you will not settle for second-best treatment that these stunted
people usually provide. Moreover, it's not your job to help them
grow... they need to do that on their own.
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Staying in a relationship that doesn't bring you joy, passion, and

laughter is acceptance... acceptance of second-best for yourself. In
short: You are choosing to be happily unhappy. My advice: Get into
the truth about how you feel... no matter how hard it is. Then you
will have honest perspective and will be able to see the choices before
you.
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Men: If you ask for sex, not only does it kill any spontaneity, you
immediately show a lack of confidence—an essential characteristic
that all women crave. (It's primal). The solution: Starting out with
basic touching and kissing. She'll stop you if she doesn’t want sex.
Just don't ask.
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[The Truth] No matter now much you love them, how much you
sacrifice, how much you feel you "owe them" emotionally, or how
much effort you put in: People will ONLY change when they
*choose* to change. It's not your failure — or theirs — if they don't
change... it's simply a choice they are making to change or not. And
your choice it then to accept things as they are... or not.
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[Sports] If men were forced to have sex they way they watch sports, I
doubt it would work out. Afterwards, they would talk about how
"their team" did it, slap high-fives with other men, and then watch
the highlights on the 11pm news.
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Some women put up walls to defend themselves against men who are
not worthy—oftentimes after being hurt or betrayed. Those men
who ARE worthy have no issue with scaling that wall... or helping her
tear it down. That said, no woman *needs* a man to save them or
pull the wall down... she'll remove it when she's ready.
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Women who find the same type of [bad] guy over and over again
need to see their part in things. They aren't just selecting the same
type of man — who won't fit their needs — they are also actively
rejecting men who will... by default. My advice: See your part in
things, and stop ignoring red flags and settling for second-best. Keep
your wants, needs and your self-esteem front-and-center and men will
have no choice but to bring more to relationships.
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I’ve long suggested that a successful relationship or marriage takes

effort, not “work”. Oftentimes, Work is that thing you must do in
order to have time and flexibility for the things you really want to do.
Effort is what you put in to activities you care about… that you are
most passionate about making succeed. In short, Effort is a driving
force behind a great partnership and marriage.
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Men: There are two qualities women find irresistible: confidence and
humor. You'll need both. One attracts them to you, and—coupled
with honor, love and integrity—the other keeps them with you.
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What so many men seem to forget after getting married and having
children: As [most-often] the primary caregiver for children, moms
are overworked, get no sleep, have limited adult time, and have no
consistent way to downshift from "Mom! He hit me!" to "Ohh, yes...
work it like THAT, Baby!" So Men: If you come home with an
attitude of "How about a blow job?" after some of the days moms
have, you'll be lucky if she doesn't punch you in the face as her
version of "affection".
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If you are in a relationship with an emotionally-controlling person,

it's time to stop blaming them. They are who THEY are... but the
person who is CHOOSING to be controlled... is you. Unless they are
physically abusive (which is different, and needs authorities involved),
you CAN choose a different path...
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When a woman wants to switch it up to “doggie style”, it isn’t

*always* about the angle and depth of penetration. Sometimes
during sex, she just doesn’t want to HAVE TO look at a guy who has
a blank stare on his face—mouth hanging open—who forgot to
brush his teeth before coming to bed. The moral of this story:
Foreplay starts outside the bedroom.
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Cheating is *never* the cause of a broken relationship. Cheating is a

symptom of an already-broken relationship... even if the signs aren’t
obvious and glaring. However, it's also ALWAYS a choice. My advice:
Close one chapter before starting another. At least both people can
leave with their heads held high.
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I was on a national radio show this morning discussing my book,

equality in relationships and more, when a caller asked me: "Charles,
are you familiar with Genesis 3:16?" That chapter/verse refers to
women and states: "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will
rule over you.” Firstly, don't quote from the Bible to justify inequality.
The Bible ALSO states that I can sell my daughter (Exodus 21:7 –
like THAT'S gonna happen) and allows ownership of slaves, both
male and female (Leviticus 25:44 - ummm… WTFever to THAT bull
$hit). And secondly, anyone who has to quote from the Bible out of
context (or any other book, for that matter) is motivated by insecurity
and fear — two unappealing qualities rooted in shortsightedness. In
short: Pfft.
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Perhaps more women would be satisfied if more men were like

Windows PCs: A little older, and always going down on them. ;)
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The age-old question: "Isn't love enough?" The answer: No. Aside
from love not paying the bills, humans have a core need to belong...
to feel *wanted* — DESIRED. If they don't feel wanted and instead
only feel *needed* or taken for granted, the relationship is headed for
trouble... or getting ready to end.
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What do women want emotionally from men? Many things... but if

you sum it up: Women want to be challenged, passionately seduced,
and chased by a Bad Boy... and loved, honored, and empowered by a
Nice Guy. Men have both as part of them... they just need to learn
when/how to use each part of their persona.
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To all women who have written in regarding their long-term affairs

with married men: You don't have a partner, or a lover, or a friend.
You are with a man that has the best of both worlds... and you are
BORROWING him. His marriage isn't "over" like he is saying,
otherwise it would be OVER and he would leave. Don't fool yourself.
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Passion is crucial for any romantic relationship, but it takes a special

couple to be goofy and playful… and it leads to a healthier
relationship. (Besides, love and life don't have to be so damned
serious all the time!)
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Ladies: Don't waste time trying to find or create the perfect man.
Invest time in creating YOU, and the right guy will be along.
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Why do some people have such a difficult time leaving an obviously

bad relationship? Two main reasons: 1) People in these situations
tend to focus on the good things... and see what they will "lose" if
they leave. And 2), sometimes, they are treated well (for short periods
of time)... and that kind of intermittent love can be a powerful lure
to keep someone involved when they actually should be getting out.
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When first dating, men bring flowers, take her to dinner, pull out
chairs... Once in the relationship, men might curl up on the couch
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with them, cook dinner, spontaneous sex. Then comfort creeps in...
spontaneity and romance wane. My advice: When you're in a
committed relationship, you should still date each other. Keep
newness and effort at the forefront. :)
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[Worth Repeating] I've often written that if they love you, you'll
KNOW it... and if they don't, you'll be left wondering all the time if
they do. So, if you're unclear about how they feel, ask directly. If you
don't get a direct and clear response... that is ALSO an answer (just
not the one you're looking for). My advice: Don't spend your life
waiting for something that may never happen. Stay true to YOU.
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[Preparation] If you're contemplating marriage but not sure if you're

ready, you can prepare... by *not getting married* until you're sure of
your decision. No rule stating you *must* tie the knot... and you can
avoid all the drama by just playing things a bit by ear. That, and sit
through a couple divorce proceedings... that will educate you on what
comes from a [so often] too-fast-decision.
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[Double standards] Men are "studs" and women are "whores"... uh,
no. This oxymoronical viewpoint is apparently spoken from the same
side of the mouth that says a woman who sleeps with—or even just
pursues—multiple partners is a slut, a whore, and a tramp. Obviously,
men concoct these views; men that, if they had their way, would have
women lie down as whores and rise in their post-coital afterglow as
virgins.
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[Diet Tip for Men] Lose five pounds instantly! Shave your crotch.
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Some men have asked me, "Why should I put more effort in my
relationship? Shouldn't she do it?" Firstly, yes... both parties need to
put in effort. But for men specifically, I ask you: Do you as a man
want to look at your wife across the breakfast table in the future and
say, “Damn, I gave you my best years…” only to hear her reply,
“Those were your best?”
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Some men like boobs. Some men are.
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Top Five Warning Signs Of A Relationship That May Not Make It:
1) Demonstrated failure to support each other's growth. 2) Feeling
threatened by a spouse's success. 3) Jealousy... of any kind, as it leads
to resentment. 4) Selfishness... meaning more focus on what you are
getting than what you are giving. 5) Forgetting that your other half is
also an individual, not just a spouse.
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How does a man know he's in a committed relationship? When he

can hear her eyes rolling over a text message. ;)
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Dear Men: Given a choice, most women want your presence, not just
your presents. My advice: Put effort into your relationship with your
heart and mind, not your wallet.
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[The Shift] Change your relationship instantly by shifting your

mindset. Don't expect to receive... give, and see what comes back to
you 10-fold.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/relationship_shift
You'll never meet the right person if you don't get out of your own
way. No matter what's happened in your past, you owe it to yourself
to give it a shot... for YOU!
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Ladies: Don't let anyone tell you that you don't deserve your own
happiness. You CAN be more than one thing... more than a mother...
more than a wife/girlfriend. You are a woman *first* and all those
other things are PART of you as a woman. You can be whatever you
choose, and any combination of what you want. You DESERVE to
be you.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/you_should_be_you
So many children are taught by example that success is more

important than kindness… that being right is more important than
being empathetic... that keeping your options open is more important
than being loyal. And from that early age, society inadvertently sets
the low standard for relationships and marriage later in life.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/by_example
Ladies: It is NOT your job to "change" him. It is HIS job to grow as

a man... and as a human being. Besides, people only change when
they want to... you can't force growth..
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/he_needs_to_grow
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Women would be more accepting of "the way men are" if more men
actually made an effort to be more like women wanted them to be.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/how_she_wants
To the men who call me a misandrist: Misandry means you hate

men... it doesn't mean you hate men because you are telling them
what THEY DO. NOT. WANT. TO. HEAR. So if it makes you feel
better, be pissed. :) Both here and in my book, I'm talkin' three parts
relationship equality, two parts common sense, one part humor. If it's
easier to hate me instead of facing your own insecurities, you have
my permission to hate me. I'm good with it. :D
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/i_dont_hate_men_dammit
Why do some men start strong in relationships and then end up

treating women like shit? Two reasons: 1) Because women *allow* it
to happen, thinking that it's just temporary behavior, or that they can
change him back to how he was at the beginning; and 2) When they
look at her, they see their own short-comings... and then bash her to
make themselves feel better.
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Naughty, passionate thoughts make any relationship great. But telling

them and then acting on those thoughts make it even better.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/bad_thoughts
Are relationship issues *entirely* the fault of men? Absolutely NOT.

Women who continually pick a$$hole men and/or don’t demand
more from the men in their lives will get walked on—pure and
simple. The cure: Don't give *all* of you in a relationship. Keep your
individuality and self-worth front-and-center. If you do, you will
never settle for second-best.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/at_fault
Dear Men: If you're the type of guy who thinks she's "all yours", but
you take her for granted and fail to show her she's important, how
long to you think she's gonna be with you? I guarantee there is a man
out there that is WAITING for you to slip up... think about it. (Note:
Being a great father is NOT the same and doesn't count as showing
her she's important. It shows you are dedicated to your kids — which
is GREAT! — but that isn't about her.)
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Dear Men: She definitely wants her prince to come... but a proper
prince will make sure she comes first. ;)
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/who_comes_first
One of the best feelings in the world for a man is the first time a
woman tells him she loves him. It's just unfortunate how many men
forget. If more men would treat each time she says it like the first
time, relationships would be very different.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/the_first_time
More men need to realize that a successful relationship doesn't

necessarily hinge on what they *do* for the woman in their life. It's
what men learn about *themselves*... and then how they apply it
back to their relationship *with* her that makes all the difference.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/what_he_learns
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My advice to married men: Treat your wife like she was still your
girlfriend. You'll see an *instant* change for the better, as so many
men become complacent and take their wives for granted… instead
of staying grateful, emotionally-connected, and passionate.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/married_advice
[Control Issues] Men need to listen more than they speak, accept
more than they criticize, and believe more than they doubt when
relating to the women in their lives. Not that women are perfect... just
that understanding someone's point-of-view—without solving their
problem—is something many men need to improve on.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/control_issues
To the women writing in to me asking, "Charles, why do I always end

up with the a$$holes?" With all due respect, you need to recognize
that you don't "end up" with them... you SEEK THEM OUT. And,
when selecting one of these emotionally-bankrupt men, you are also
*rejecting* others that will be good for you. Don't be a victim... take
control. :) My question to you: When will you up your standards and
stop settling for second-best?
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/you_seek_them
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Bob Marley said, "Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just
gotta find the ones worth suffering for." Umm... no. You aren't
supposed to suffer in a relationship... you're supposed to *want* to
be there. What's the point if sharing yourself with someone if your
guaranteed to suffer? Better to find someone who wants you... who
desires you.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/sorry_bob
Relationship Tip: Turn off the TV, close your web browser, put your
phone away, and/or fold up the newspaper and *make eye contact*
when you speak with your significant other. (Guaranteed to make a
difference.)
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/relationship_tip
In response to those that ask: "Charles, is it 'Once a cheater,

ALWAYS a cheater'?" Cheating is the ultimate betrayal. My advice:
Learn what you can from the experience and move on. It's not that
cheaters don't change their spots... that's immaterial. I'm just sayin'
this: Why put more effort into someone who sold you the f*ck out?
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/always_a_cheater
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There are so many people try to mold/change their significant others

into what they wish/want them to be. That doesn't work. You can
only control how you act/react to any issues that come your way.
People change and grow because they WANT to... and not *for*
anyone or outside reason.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/because_they_want_to
One of the number one killers of long-term relationships: Being

taken for granted. Lack of gratitude leads to resentment... which
creates a whole host of problems. The cure: Be appreciative... not
only of what they do, but who they are.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/gratitude_or_resentment
To the women who write in saying, "I hate way he treats me. I left,
but then he makes me come back." Sorry... but he's not *making
you* go back... you are *choosing*. Oftentimes, the choice to go
back to a bad relationship is driven by either guilt, fear of change, or
both. My advice: If it's bad, it's BAD... no point in going back for
guilt.
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Marrying a man who is emotionally unavailable is like masturbating

with a cheese grater: stimulating, but very painful.
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The secret to romantic relationships: Figure out what you want, and
learn how to ask for it. Is it hard? Perhaps... but, you're here on this
page... (and you might have read my book)... that's hard. And you're
willing to listen to me and others here... that's hard, too. So, I tend to
think you might be tougher than you think... now just keep going. :)
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/ask_for_it
In response to the multitude of emails asking, "How can a woman

spot when a man is playing her?" Answer: The BIGGEST sign that a
woman is being played by a man is (unfortunately) herself. :\ She
starts making excuses for his bad behavior, justifying his mood
swings and lack of interest, and she starts *settling for second-best*.
Ladies, take it from a reformed player: Men can only play you if you
ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN.
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A great relationship is the result of both people putting in effort,

living their individual lives and then sharing with each other, with the
recognition that life and love are fun... it doesn't have to be so
damned serious or responsible all the time. :)
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The Simple Truth: If you're constantly wondering where your

relationship stands... you already have your answer. My question to
you: How long will you play the "If I do even more, they'll love me...
I just know it" game?
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Compromise in relationships is normal... provided you aren't

compromising who you are and what you truly want from life. That
kind of compromise leads to resentment.
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In response to the hundreds of emails stating: "My ex is an a$$hole!

He cheated on me so many times!" Okay... if he cheated, then he's an
ass. BUT... you have some accountability there. After he cheated
ONE TIME, why the HELL did you get back together with him!?!?
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Ladies: If the man you're dating is more interested in the size of your
chest rather than the length of your laugh, you might think about
trading up.
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[Something SO many men fail to understand] When a woman brings

up something a man did two years ago that pisses her off, she’s not
necessarily living in the past or bringing up old stuff. Much of the
time, she's pissed because he JUST DID IT AGAIN!
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Men: Want to satisfy your lady completely? Make love to her for six
straight hours. Allow me to elaborate: Alternate between cleaning the
house and kissing her for the first five hours... then take her to bed
for 30 minutes of unbridled, the-kids-are-at-the-babysitter's passion.
Finally, have her choose between a shower together, a shower alone,
or cuddling/pillow talk. You'll be a hero.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/hero_guy
Don't waste time trying to find or create the perfect partner. If you
invest time in creating the best YOU, not only will the right person
will be along, but you will lose your pull/attraction to the wrong type
of person.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/the_best_you
[Dating] Pulling out chairs and opening doors are all signs of a
gentleman, but how does he treat other people in your presence?
Men who feel the need to show their masculinity by insulting/
abusing service personnel—food/cocktail servers, coffee shop
cashiers, whatever—aren’t worth your time. How he treats others is a
direct reflection of how he will treat you.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/treats_others
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[Repetitive Motion] Men: Please note that the clitoris isn’t a crosswalk
signal button. You can press it and press it and press it… but
pressing it *harder* will not necessarily make it come any faster.
Patience…
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Relationships are about give and take. GIVE them your best, and
TAKE care of them... or GIVE them the boot before you choose to
TAKE any long-term bulls*it.
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Women who are constantly interested in men *with potential* are

setting themselves up for failure. POTENTIAL doesn't equal honor,
security, honesty, and respect TODAY. Men need to find their OWN
path in order to discover what they have to offer for a woman in a
long-term relationship.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/with_potential
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Being insecure in a relationship isn't about fear of losing them... it's

about lack of control. People need to realize that you can *only*
control yourself—and the other person is going to do what they do
*regardless*; there is nothing you can do about it but trust... or leave.
My advice: If you aren't willing to trust —or feel that they aren't
worthy to trust—revisit why you are with them in the first place.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/control_and_fear
[Showing men what it's like] Ladies: Head out to a coffee shop with
your friends. When a good looking man passes, "whisper" loudly to
your friends, "Damn! I'd hit that shit!!
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/hit_that
Want a man to respect you? Be his equal and push back. Want a man
to love you? Keep your standards high and allow him to earn your
love from the very beginning of the relationship... and never settle
for his second-best.
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The most common behaviors of someone having as affair: 1) A

sudden change in their availability (read: never home anymore
without a “real” reason, i.e. school/hobby, planned activity with
friends, etc.). 2) Them constantly suspicious of YOU cheating. 3)
Passwords on cellphones and computers for no apparent reason.
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Men: If you're going to do something romantic, anyone can call a

florist and say, "A dozen roses, please." It's different when you call
and collaborate with them to create an arrangement. It takes 10
minutes, but makes all the difference when received.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/effort_and_romance
[Conversation Tip for Men] A woman’s breasts have neither eyes nor
ears... so, they cannot respond to you if you stare at them or speak to
them.
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Men: When she tells you, "Can we talk?"... she's not looking for you
to solve the problem; she just wants you to *listen*... to *hear her*...
to empathize. She might get to a point where she wants your
opinion/advice, but she'll ask for that. Best advice: Just listen without
fixing it for her.
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Control struggles damage self-esteem, and it’s [some] women—in

their constant effort to improve/change/save the relationship—who
consistently take in the most emotional damage as they try to adjust
and change themselves to become “acceptable” to [some] men. To
change these conditions, women need to take back control and hold
the line with what they want and need as *WOMEN*, beyond the
titles of "wife" or "mother".
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/control_and_esteem
In response to the 100+ women who have written in stating: "He lies
to me, cheats on me, and is sometimes verbally abusive... but I love
him." This is the statement of a VICTIM. Yes, it can be difficult to
leave a bad relationship (finances, kids, etc.), but the *hardest* part is
to make the decision. Taking control and CHOOSING not to be a
victim is how you rebuild self-esteem, self-worth, and empowerment.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/lie_and_cheat
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In a great relationship, you should be happy being together, not

grateful you aren't apart. The first is bliss, the second is fear.
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Relationship Killer: Interrupting while they talk. You might *think*

you know what they're gonna say... but are you *sure* you know... and
know the manner in which it's intended? Best advice: LISTEN...
*then* you'll know.
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Many men who claim they are not attracted to confident, powerful
women aren't being complete honest. For many, it's not that they
aren't attracted to them... it's that these men are intimidated. And by
"intimidated", I don't mean "afraid"... I mean insecure and
threatened. These are men who have their masculinity built on all the
wrong things.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/threatened_and_intimidated
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Watching the male cat across the street marking his territory, I'm
reminded of ex's that won't let go—even though you've made it clear
that it's OVER. It's like they're saying, "Once I've had you, you are
MINE... forever." WTF ever... and it's not just men... PLENTY of
women marking men this way, too.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/youre_mine_forever
Ladies: Don't lower your standards. If/When you do, the men who
currently don't bring effort to relationships will do even less... causing
you to lower your expectations even further. Stop accepting less, and
the men who have been slacking off will be forced to step up and
raise the bar—or risk being alone.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/keep_your_standards
In-love with someone who runs hot-and-cold? Instead of trying to

adjust yourself and your expectations (over and over again) for
someone who will constantly change the game, you need to make a
clear, empowered decision that you will not settle for anyone's half-
assed, second-best approach to being involved with you—in any
capacity. You are worth more than they way they are treating you, and
you need to stop settling for it and tolerating it.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/hot_and_cold
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To those who write in asking, "How can I get them to stop ignoring
me... and change?" Answer: You've can't "make" anyone do
anything... you can only decide how you will act and react to that kind
of behavior. If you choose to keep putting more and more effort in
without it being returned, you are enabling it. My advice: Take a big
step back and look at what you are getting—and what you aren't
getting—from the relationship. From there, I would bet the decision
to stay or go would be quite easy.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/stop_ignoring
Men: When dating, it's nearly *always* the little things that make their
lasting mark... and the same holds true for long-term relationships.
Open her door, write her a love note, call her for no reason to tell her
you love her, send her a random sext message in the middle of the
day. Virtually guaranteed to make her smile.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/the_little_things
[Dating] Ladies: Who he is on the fifth date isn't necessarily who he

will be after the fifth month. Yes, everyone changes... but they also
reveal who they are slowly over time. Keep your wits about you.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/everyone_changes
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It's not that some men are afraid of commitment... it's that some
men are afraid of *limiting their options*... thinking something better
is coming in the future. If these men constantly believe the ''grass is
greener'' elsewhere and don't pay attention, their current lawn will
eventually be mowed by someone else.
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/limiting_their_options
I've been accused by some of attacking ALL men on this page,

stereotyping and generally hating on men. Not so. Point of fact: I
AM a man... and I'm not hating on me or other men. I'm calling
SOME men (and SOME women, too) out on their bulls*it, nothing
more. So, a full disclaimer for me, this page and my writing: What I
write applies to SOME men, not all. And for SOME women, not all.
And to SOME relationships, not all. And I don't think I'm perfect...
not even close. :) Take only as directed. May have side effects that are
undocumented. Don't iron clothes while wearing them. Don't use
hair dryers in the bathtub. :D
To like or comment, visit http://on.fb.me/bash_on_charles
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PART TWO
ESAYS AND ARTICLES
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part two: essays and articles
The Untold Dynamics of Oral Sex

The Submissive Nature of [Some] Men?
Call it what you want: oral sex, going down... for some women, it's the
worst part of their sex life. For others, it's a way of getting close to the
man they love. And men... well... many [most?] men seem to live for it.
But what of the common lament from men ("The fastest way to stop a
woman from performing oral sex is to marry her!"), and what are the real
motivators on both sides of this sexual equation? I asked these questions
on Facebook, Twitter, and via email and received over 250 responses.
Anonymity was an option for the women choosing to respond, and nearly
all were submitted without any identifying information, so the data is
real... and raw.
Some of these women loved the inherent intimacy this personal act
provided. It was an adjunct to their sex life, serving as a connection to
their husbands/boyfriends when the day-to-day of life lingers and
disallows spontaneity:

"When I first started dating my husband, it happened all the time and
I loved it. For many years—and when I had the luxury of sleeping in—it
was always a lot of fun. And I also believe that it shows my husband how
much I care for him still and only want to be with him. Nine years later,
it's a little more challenging to get around to doing it as often as I'd like,
but two young kids will do that to you. I still enjoy it and can tell that my
husband does too. And it's sort of our sign to each other that tonight is
the night to take our time and enjoy each other."

Some were disgusted by the entire prospect of oral sex ... period.

"I HATE IT! I hate doing it, I hate the thought of it, I hate everything
about it! Come on, that is where you pee from! He of course BEGS for it
ALL THE TIME! Seriously, I tried to like it for him. I really did. I tried
and tried and tried and threw up all over him (which completely ruined
the mood!). And for the record, I am one of those women who enjoys
watching porn! I just can't do it!"

And some had the funniest stories:

"I was crazy in love with this southern boy many years ago (he was the
guy who I ended up liking drunk more than sober.) Of course, I wanted
to ... you know... and well it didn't go over well. Without getting into too
much detail, he basically told me I sucked ... literally! All I remember was
91
that he looked up from the pillow, with his lips curled around his teeth,
rapidly pointing at them mumbling, "TOO MUCH TEETH, TOO
MUCH TEETH! IT'S NOT A STRAW!" I was so embarrassed. I wanted
to crawl under the bed and die. I thought I was 'really good'. I think I was
absent the day they taught that portion of Sex Ed in 8th grade."
As I read these private accounts of sex, I noticed something: the

"sweet-and-innocent" and "Eww!" stories were at opposite ends of the
bell curve. The majority of respondents were in the middle, where the
motivators for oral sex are not so clear-cut. The act of oral sex is filled
with issues. Intimacy and trust spring to mind instantly... but the less
discussed—and perhaps most important—issues loom like the proverbial
elephant in the room: control and dominance.
A large percentage of a man's ego is built on his virility, as well as a

multitude of other sexually-charged items: penis size, number of women
he's bedded, sexual prowess and "skill"... the list goes on and on. And
given the anemic economy, men who have lost their jobs are looking to
improve their self-esteems, and rejuvenate their identities. I'm not
suggesting that oral sex is a man's way of finding self-worth, but a when a
man is "in control," it can often counteract feelings of inadequacy,
serving as a distraction to balance out any negative feelings. But is he
truly in control when a woman is down on him?
Sex is the subject men discuss with their cohorts, both before a date
and after—often with the same question asked: "Yo! Did you 'hit it'?" So,
it's not surprising that as specific acts are discussed, a man would think
he's in charge. And receiving oral sex might serve as the prime example
of a man under the false assumption that he is in control.
Now, look; I am not about to field a bunch of e-mail from women

about how oral sex is evil, or from men about how I'm screwing up their
sex lives. Let's get this out of the way: Sex and all things to do with sex
are great. As long as everyone one is agreeable and having fun, then it
doesn't matter. What I'm alluding to is the motivation for the act—why
he wants it, and why she wants to do it. According to my survey—as well
as the research I carried out to write The Problem with Women... is
Men the reasons for women wanting to perform the act vary. The loving
reasons I allude to above, but what I also discovered was an undertow in
the Ocean of Love: women gaining control over the men, with men their
[apparent] cooperative, willing submissives.
"I LOVE going down there for my fiancé! It makes me feel very
empowered to know that I am capable of giving him maximum
pleasure!!!" "My friend told me how she gives her husband oral sex when
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she wants something big. The trick is to hold out for a while ... like a
couple of weeks. Then go for it, give him the best [expletive] of your
life."

"Going down? I love it. I really do. It puts you in a powerful place for
negotiating to get things done your way and I've yet to meet a man who
would say no to it." "How do you think I am able to go shopping, slack
on the laundry, and take bubble baths in the evening? Even hinting at
going down will have him saying, 'Yes honey; whatever you want,' for a
week... at LEAST."

In delving further with some of these respondents, we discovered
that the truth—the seduction for them, if you will—of why they like
performing oral sex was the power they gained... the control. Which
makes complete sense when you consider the act. Truth be told,
regardless of if he's holding the woman's head/hair, standing over her
with her on her knees, whatever... he is still a submissive. Need more
proof ?
Picture it: There he is on his back, arms stretched out, eyes closed,
completely at the woman's mercy—with the most sensitive part of his
anatomy exposed and defenseless (not to mention that it's placed in an
area where it could be severed from his body). This is a man in control?
Of course not. This sexual act is the epitome of physical and emotional
vulnerability. He is 100% devoid of control. It's also interesting that so
many men prefer oral sex to intercourse. Perhaps if more women
recognized how naturally submissive many men seem to be, they would
put their foot down more often instead of putting up with constant
passive aggression and pseudo-controlling behavior.
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The Red Flags of Dating
To help women tackle the well-known problems they have in their

relationships with men, there are a number of popular TV shows,
websites, newsletters, and self-help books that attempt to discuss what
men are all about, and purport to help women understand men better.
Women—generally being the more insightful and self-effacing gender—
write the majority of these self-help tomes, so a man’s perspective on his
thoughts and actions is conspicuously missing. In my opinion (and with
no disrespect intended toward those female writers), it doesn’t matter
how a woman analyzes and assesses men’s societal ills, or how many focus
groups she holds; she is still not a man… and she never will be. She is
attempting to interpret men; her data-driven research is internalized and
offered solely from a woman’s point of view, and thus incomplete. There
is no choice but for her views to be skewed, because they’re based on the
following societal program/lie: Women are responsible for the problems
in relationships, and must fix them. But that is completely inaccurate, and
is one of the reasons I offer the following insights into the world of men
from a man's point of view... as a man who has been on both side of the
fence—womanizer turned dedicated husband and father.

I'm asked by women (and some men) constantly to assess their
romantic situations. Aside from wanting personal validation (read:
"Charles, am I 'right' that [insert guy's name here] is a jerk because [insert
reason here]?"), most want to know if what they are experiencing are
warning signs of: 1) Issues that can harm a relationship long-term; 2)
Problems that can be solved quickly; 3) Behaviors that are going to end a
relationship.

These issues rear their heads at different times during a relationship,
and analyzing the challenges of an established relationship is very
different than issues that appear during dating/courtship. But after
speaking with a couple thousand people over the past seven years, there
are some universal warning signs that occur at the beginning of a
relationship—and then (most of the time) get worse as time marches on.

Let's address the Top Five:

5. No thought into the date: Venues for first dates should follow three
basic guidelines: public, conservative, and casual... but they should also
reflect some notion of planning (even if it's a blind date). Whether you
go for coffee, head to the beach, or declare paintball war, points should
be given to men who plan, think, and stay focused on the date itself, not
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on what they might want to happen at the conclusion of it (hint-hint,

nudge-nudge). However, keep in mind: Early dates are the standard by
which your entire relationship will be measured subconsciously as it
matures. Set the bar high, and keep the bar high. If he starts strong and
peters off (usually after you hit the bedroom a couple of times), it might
be time to reassess things.

4. Confidence: Successful relationships are built on equality, to be
sure, but men should still come with a confidence that shows them as a
leader. This may sound basic, but many men seem to have missed this
boat—perhaps through insecurity, a checkered romantic past, or (the
worst offender) indifference—and aren't able to make a decision, react
correctly in social situations, or even plan a date. He doesn't need to have
all the answers, but he needs to bring at least 50% of things to the table.
If you find yourself putting more into the relationship than you planned,
talk about it. If it doesn't change, pack your bags.

3. The "Little Things": Small behaviors are sometimes the biggest
telltale signs. Ordering for you at a restaurant is nice, but not if he hasn't
asked you what you want first. Being half-a-step ahead of you as you walk
holding hands, visually coping a feel by staring at your breasts as he talks
to you, or automatically interpreting your first kiss as a precursor for sex
are all red flags.

2. Communication: Meaning: " The imparting or exchanging of
information or news". But, please note a key phrase in that definition: an
exchange of information. Men who talk about themselves a majority of
the time when you're dating might be trying to impress, but more than
likely they are also self-absorbed. "Communication" also means active
listening... and if he's not listening to you upfront, he probably won't
later.

1. Courtesy: When dating, the one thing that is noticeable right away is
courtesy. Yes, pulling out chairs, opening doors, and paying the check are
all signs of a gentleman (and hopefully that behavior stays throughout the
relationship). However, one of the biggest red flags often isn't addressed:
How does he treat other people in your presence? Bashing ex-girlfriends,
talking trash about friends, snide remarks about your friends... these are
all warning signs. And men who need to show their masculinity by
insulting/abusing service personnel—food/cocktail servers, coffee shop
cashiers, whatever—aren't worth your time. Period. How he treats others
is a direct reflection of how he will treat you.

These five things—as basic and mundane as they sound—hold the
keys to early success in relationships... and are telltale signs of the kind of
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man a woman has encountered. I say this confidently, as these were traits
that I not only exhibited as a single... uh... "morally-challenged" young
man (and these behaviors fortunately/unfortunately helped me further
my selfish wants), but also today as genuine effort into my marriage and
friendship with the incredible women that is sharing her life with me.

Ladies: There are some great men out there, but you won't find them
if you ignore the warning signs and sacrifice your self-worth and settle.
Keep in mind that no matter how good he looks on the dance floor or
how sweetly he pulled out your chair for you on your first date, some
other woman has most likely told him (recently) that she was sick and
tired of his bullshit. Stay vigilant, hold your ground and demand more
from the men in your life.
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Why Men (and Women) Cheat
The age-old question: What makes a person in a marriage or

committed relationship cheat? Despite recent articles that suggest that
there is a cheating gene ingrained into the DNA of some men (Really?
Come on, now!), the real answer depends on whether you’re talking about
a woman or a man. Several credible infidelity studies have found that men
and women who are cheating on their spouses gave different reasons to
justify their extramarital affairs.

Cheating was one of the subjects I covered with 1,200+ women and
400+ men in my research to write The Problem with Women… is Men
(Volume I); the results were fascinating. Aside from infidelity being
identified as one of the four core flaws in men (as discussed in my book),
the sad truth is that being caught—albeit subconsciously—was evidently
the long-term goal.

Women reported that they cheat mostly for emotional reasons, which
highlights the contrast on how the genders identify the “reasons” for
sex… the top reasons are:
▪ Lack of emotional intimacy

▪ Marital or relationship unhappiness
▪ Reaffirm her desirability
▪ To re-experience feelings of romance
▪ Loneliness

Of the men polled, 80% openly admitted to cheating largely for
physical or sexual gratification with no emotional tie. Rounding out the
top reasons men cheat included:
▪ Just want to have sex or sexual variety

▪ Presented with an opportunity to have sex, without getting
immediately caught
▪ Satisfy sexual curiosity about having sex with a particular person
▪ The “thrill of the chase”
▪ The desire to feel important or special (an ego boost)
However, in delving further into the mens’ reasons, I discovered that

most of the men felt that they were “unable to get out of their
relationship” prior to their infidelity, which translated into the simple fact
that they lacked the skills/respect to maturely discuss their unhappiness
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with their significant other. In short, they acknowledged that they were
unhappy and looking for a way out… but they couldn’t bring themselves
to pull the trigger on the relationship. If they cheated and got caught
(most long-term cheaters do end up getting caught), they were able to
quickly turn the tables, telling their spouse how it was THEIR fault they
cheated because [insert reason here: not enough sex, boredom, etc.].

Look, I get it: Monogamy isn’t for everyone... and that's all-good. But,
if you’ve made promises, stick to them. If you're not willing to stay
faithful, at least have the decency and respect (and SELF-respect) to end
the current relationship first. Cheating is a choice. Period.

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The Saturday Guy
When first dating, men usually go above and beyond in their efforts to
listen, please, and participate — romantically, physically, and monetarily.
However, once they have put in the initial effort and their needs start
being met, behavior can change and the effort they’ve been putting in
slows. Often, men then start providing the bare minimum required,
leaving women wondering what the hell happened, and why he is putting
in less and less (as she started putting more into the relationship to
compensate). Nowhere is this more glaring than on weekends.

If a man works all week, most often he looks his best Monday
through Friday — shaven, pressed, combed, and spritzed with pleasant
scents. And if Friday brings date night, that effort might stay at the
forefront. But then, inexplicably, a transformation happens sometime
between late Friday night and Saturday morning.

Enter: the Saturday Guy. Hair unkempt, unshaven, shorts, tank
top, flip-flops, without a care in the world.

Truth be told, I’ve been found by my wife in this dilapidated
condition more times than I care to remember. After a long week of
work, commuting, and with a mind full of the NEXT week’s work to
come, I just want to zone, chill out on the couch, and let cable TV wash
over me. I’m just trying to unwind. Weekends are for relaxing, right? Of
course! But in reflecting, it’s not right to give the outside world my best,
and leave the crumbs for my family. With a gentle reminder from her, I
become aware of my physical state and, summoning what’s left of my
pride after being caught, I shuffle off to make myself presentable before
our kids are fully conscious of my deplorable condition.

But the Saturday Guy doesn’t always listen. He is stubborn, and can
stay around for a while, passive-aggressively promising to do what’s
needed (for his family/significant other, for the house). But before long,
Saturday morning is gone and 4:00 PM rolls around. Then, this situation
is further compounded when “the Phone Call” comes in Saturday
evening.

After giving their best to others all week, some men will put in zero
effort all day Saturday, dead to the world, complaining that they are tired,
run-down after a long week, just wanting to relax... which may, if fact, be
true... but then... the Phone Call. It’s the guys, and it’s Saturday night —
time to go out/play poker/get a cocktail/hit the club. Miraculously, this
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tired, run-down man is cured, and he levitates off the couch with vigor, is
showered, shaved, and shining by the door, kissing his loved ones as he
exits for a night of further unwinding. (And is his wife left to “relax” at
home with the kids?)

This is a long-held double standard that challenges relationships.
Whether dating or married, the Saturday Guy doesn’t have a place
anymore. Sure, relaxing on the weekends is part of what rejuvenates us,
resetting us for the coming week. But when the Saturday Guy prevails
and leaves those around him without the man they love, something
should change. (Besides, if he does go out with the guys Saturday night,
we haven’t even discussed the aftermath: the Sunday Guy with a
Hangover.)

(And yes... there are most CERTAINLY women who exhibit these
Saturday qualities, too... but that is the subject for a different article. ;)
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Boomerang Men
Why Exs Come Back
Boomerang—noun: a curved piece of wood; when properly thrown

will return to thrower

Boomerang Man—annoying: a man that a woman has stopped being
romantically involved with, gets in contact for unknown reasons. (See
booMANerang)

Every romantic relationship has an "original agreement, whether it's
sexual, financial, emotional, or a combination of all three. And when this
original agreement isn't being fulfilled, it causes the relationship to stall,
or end. Although there are plenty of exceptions, statistically this happens
most in new relationships, and it seems to be the woman that breaks
things off for a number of reasons. If it's really that early in the
relationship, the reasons are usually big... "dealbreakers" of a sort. And, if
the women has a firm sense of her self-esteem, things like cheating and
lying aren't be forgiven. As such, the relationship may end abruptly, and
the man is told (on no uncertain terms) to be gone.

The million-dollar question: After this kind of break-up, why do some
men come back, or get in contact with the woman again after some time
has passed? From an anonymous reader:

"I've had almost every guy of every type of relationship in the
spectrum come back over the years. What prompted me to email you was
that I received a well-wishing text yesterday from one I'd say I casually
dated for a few months. it ended very badly back in February after I
discovered him lying about some things - and I told him to never contact
me again - until yesterday he respected my wishes. I've always said that
men are like boomerangs, but I never in a million years thought this one
would reach out to me again for any reason especially because I shamed
him once he confessed to everything that was going on.

Men learn from their mistakes, but not as quickly as some women
would hope, and sometimes they come back to try again after they learn
some new things... which usually doesn’t jibe well. But why do they
return? Well, there are a few possibilities:

1) Epic Sex: No man wants to give up good sex. If there was a good
physical relationship, it's a good reason for him to return. The question:
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Is the woman able to separate the physical stuff that works in the
relationship, with the emotional aspects that may be lacking?

2) The Do-Over: When it comes to relationships, most men are
experiential learners, and they learn more by making mistakes. After
they've made a few, they end up altering some things (behavior, patterns)
and set out to their next relationship, presumably more prepared. If he
made a bunch of mistakes with a past partner, yet felt that there was
some kind of connection, he may return for a second go-round. Note,
however, that relationship dynamics tend to stay the same, even on a
second try. After all, when you pull milk out of the 'fridge and it's spoiled,
you don't put it back and hope it's fresh tomorrow. Sometimes, you just
have to throw it out.

3) Single... again: Men on the rebound tend to reconnect with past
girlfriends/lovers. The reasons vary, but mostly due to the above-
mentioned motivations. By reaching out with a simple phone call, email
or text message, he's testing the waters and will gauge what is possible by
the woman's reaction.
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Long-term Relationships, Romance and Lingerie
Couples start strong in the romance department: frequent sex,

spontaneity, candlelight... then—sometimes—a chain of events changes
things:

• They get married.
• They have a baby.
• She goes back to work (or is inundated with the boredom of
home life), he gets back to the grind.
• They get tired and into the humdrum of toddlerhood.
• He stops shaving... and so does she. Both wear sweats on the
weekend.

Rinse. Repeat.

Does this happily-never-after story sound familiar to you? Do you
long for it to be like the "good ole days"?? The truth is, many couples feel
this way... you want to feel and look good/hot/sexy in and out of the
bedroom. You want to please your significant other and feel like their
very own supermodel, but the truth is you're happy wearing old boxers
and a t-shirt. Plus, in this recession, what's the point of spending money
on some see-through, lacy get-up when naked is FREE!?

The Why: Lingerie is one of the most inexpensive—and often
overlooked—ways of rekindling romance in the bedroom... for both men
and women.

First, please allow me a disclaimer: I cannot speak for all men or
women. There are a wide variety of opinions and wants... and I can only
offer a combination of my opinions and experiences, as well as my
impressions of the opinions of other men I've spoken with... but that's
all.

Bras and G-strings, teddies and baby dolls, negligees, corsets and
bustiers, and role-play clothing (nurses outfits and the like) ... lingerie can
take on many meanings. From sexy to risqué to kinky — it is completely
based on the wants/needs of the couple. So what is it about leather and/
or lace that move the proverbial meter for men?

When it comes to men, the reasons range from primal to romantic.
For some, feeling like she did something especially for him can be
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flattering ... and lingerie offers him a glimpse (and only a teasing glimpse)
of the woman he loves as only he sees her. And with all that daily life
brings us, it can be hard to keep that sense of "newness" and romance ...
and something sexy can be a welcome addition to the bedroom.

But it's not just men who get a positive charge out of lingerie. Women
are women first, and wives/mothers/girlfriends second... and they want
to keep their femininity up-front-and-center... not as an afterthought.
Some women wear something sexy under their everyday clothes to feel
sexy throughout the day (as do some men... but that's a subject for a
different article). According to the women I've spoken with, it only gives
them more confidence, they feel more empowered. And wearing
something sensual and revealing for an evening between the sheets can
add to anticipation, and eliminate humdrumish feelings of work/kids/
house/finances/etc.

Keep in mind, though, that lingerie is an extension of a couple's
sensuality and sex life. If someone comes home with a gift you're not into
(barbed wire, anyone?), you might need to guide things a little. A
suggestion might be to go shopping for lingerie together. If you both end
up in the dressing room together—trying things on and taking them off
—beware of salespeople and mall cops, as they may not be forgiving if
you are found in flagrante delicto. But taking your significant other
shopping with you kills two birds with one stone: anticipation will be at a
high for that evening, and they'll know that the Cat 'o Nine Tails you were
thinking about purchasing might not be your speed.
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Why Real Men Don’t Cheat
Cheating is all the rage. Celbs and regular Moe’s alike are constantly
getting called out by the press, by their [now ex] significant others, and
the perpetually investigating paparazzi. Some have taken the road of
silence and others come clean right away… but it’s been fascinating to
watch the man cheaters confess (read: poor their hearts out to the world
on how sorry they are.) As a man, I have listened to these tearful laments
and I can’t help but laugh. These men were just fine traipsing around the
town with tender trollops in-tow—an unsuspecting wife or girlfriend
holding down the proverbial fort, oftentimes dutifully caring for the kids
—and now they want me to believe they’re sorry? Puh-lease. These
cheaters aren’t sorry… they’re just sorry they got caught.

And with infidelity now headline news, the latest TV shows, magazine
articles, and blog posts feature “real men” discussing cheating. These men
are quasi-experts on cheating—because they did it. And look, I’m not
here to pass judgment on their infidelity… I simply have an issue with
their reasoning. These “real men”—like all cheating men—have a wide
variety of justifications of why they cheated… “She was constantly
bitching at me. I had to get out of there,” or “I felt like I was playing a
role. I stopped being real. The only way to shake myself out of it was to
cheat,” or my personal (and the most common) “I didn’t mean it. It was
an accident.”

My conclusion on these reasons (and any others): bullshit. Bullshit.
BULLSHIT!

Sorry, guys. You can pull that line on the press, on your mothers, or
on your now-estranged wives/girlfriends, but that crap doesn’t work on
someone who knows—someone who has been there (years ago, long
before I was married).

But let’s get something straight. I recognize that monogamy isn't for
everyone. In fact, many argue that it's not a "natural state" for men. In
many ways, I think those people are right. DNA-wise, both genders are
driven by primal instincts to continue our species, not concentrate on the
sanctity of marriage. However, humans now claim to be civilized, and if a
person decides to delve into the world of commitment, marriage, and
fidelity, they should hold to the ideals that accompany that choice. If you
don’t want a commitment… don’t get married!

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So… here’s the REAL truth: Cheating is always a choice. Those that
claim it was “an accident” or offer any other reason are completely and
totally FULL. OF. SHIT. They are choosing to cheat for one simple
reason: Selfishness. They care more about the sex they can get, rather
than their significant other, whose trust they are betraying. And this is
betrayal… a special betrayal saved for a man’s spouse or girlfriend. How
is it special? Because men usually don’t betray their best friends this
deeply… just the women they promise to love. Simply put, these are men
without honor. If you're going to cheat, give the common courtesy to the
other party that you would demand yourself: Leave the relationship. I’ve
told men as much and many say, "It's not that simple." Well... if it's not
simple, then perhaps you might think about what strange place you want
to put your junk into before you do it… just sayin’.

Please note that I say all this as a man who has had more than ample
opportunity to cheat. While writing my book, I met with over 1,200
women (and have spoken with thousands more since its publishing), with
many of these meetings happening over a meal, or other private-ish
location—but all away from my wife. Have I ever been tempted? Sure…
I’d be liar if I didn’t admit that many of these women were attractive
(with many openly flirting with me). But there was no chance I would
ever cheat. If I made that choice, my wife may not have known, I would
have. I would have had to look her in the eye—my wife, my friend—
knowing that I had recently humiliated her, devalued our relationship, and
sacrificed my honor. Sorry… not this guy.

Evidently, some men can work in out in their heads that cheating is
“just what guys do.” Yeah, okay… who you trying to convince, pal; me…
or you?… because we both know you’re full of shit.

Men, here’s the bottom-line: If you want to be married, be married. If
you want to sleep with other people, talk about it—or at least have the
common decency to leave her first. There’s need to transform yourself
into a douche bag while you trample on her self-esteem. And ladies, I
would never suggest that once-a-cheater, always-a-cheater… but before
you take him back because you “love him so much”, you need to think
about how much you love and value YOU. Because by cheating on you,
he just showed you how much he doesn’t care.
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Common Courtesy
In The Problem with Women… is Men (Volume I), “Etiquette” was
identified as one of the four core flaws of men. But etiquette is more
than just knowing which fork to eat with at a high-end restaurant, or how
much to tip the valet at a Las Vegas casino. And etiquette is certainly
more than what the media showcases as “good behavior” of men, instead
dubbing it—dare I even type the word?—Metrosexual. Being “Metro”
seems to be society’s way of watering down men with style, class, self-
esteem, and honor… and adding a hint of homosexuality. To deny that
men aren’t *men* when they care about their inner/outer appearance is
asinine… and the notion of homosexuality doesn’t figure into the
equation.

And besides, the etiquette I’m referring to is more important…
transcending the realms of gay or straight; married or single; nice guy or
bad boy. Perhaps it can be most aptly described as “basic civility +
traditional gentlemanly conduct”. This kind of courtesy leaves behind any
notion of sexually-motivated actions (read: men can open the door for
women, but they can also open the door for other men without it
“meaning” anything, ya kno’?), and can be separated into two groups of
behavior: 1) What is considered modern-day chivalry—door opening,
flowers, pulling out chairs… you know the rest; and 2) What can aptly be
described as common courtesy. As we are now in an era that we throw
sheep at someone on Facebook rather than send a thank you note, both
of these areas seem to be drifting into obscurity.

When it comes to romantic relationships, manners and gentlemanly
conduct should be synonymous… but as I connect with more and more
people of both genders, it’s become painfully obvious that many have
missed this boat. For some men, the act of “bonding” includes disgusting
behavior in mixed company—I notion I’ve never understood or
endorsed. To quote from my book, "Releasing a 15-second three-octave
fart—one so foul it makes the dog leave the room—seems to be a
standing goal with men of all ages… although I’m not entirely sure how
one would put that skill on a résumé." But let’s put grotesque bodily
functions aside, as dead horses need not be beaten.

When first starting a relationship, men generally make a concerted
effort to make dates and time-spent something special and memorable
(whatever their motivations—sexual, romantic, financial). Whirlwind
romances conjure images of lengthy love notes written in long hand,
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flowers on Fridays, and his car being washed before a date. But as time
passes, relationships seem to simultaneously grow and wither. Things
change… become routine…. and men get comfortable. Very
comfortable.

For many, being comfortable turns into minimal effort and high
expectations, and common courtesy goes out the window (with passion
and romance often being right behind). And to be fair—and to preempt
the onslaught of email wrongfully accusing/blasting me for being a
misandrist—there are many women who also head down this same path
of taking things for granted. But oftentimes the reasons for their lack of
passion largely differ from their male counterparts (but that is the subject
of another article—much of which exists as a chapter in my book).

But these romantic relationship examples are mere symptoms of a
growing disease that can only be filed under “Lack of Effort in All
Relationships”. Cynical? Perhaps… but let’s give a real example.
Relationships aren’t always romantic, and many are started and ended
every day. A prime example: the service industry.

When a patron approaches a counter at the local Starbucks, a short-
term “relationship” is formed with the person working on the other side
of the counter. In an age not to long ago, service personnel would greet a
customer, maybe even smile. Today: Not so much. Now, when I walk up
to the counter to place my order, I’m often greeted with, “- - - - - - -
-” (that would be the sound of silence). So, I wait for them to
acknowledge me. Once they do, oftentimes it’s with an empty, “So, what
can I getcha?”. I then order and pay, and I am then faced with more…
laziness (sorry, it’s the only term I can find that fits). My change—the
bills and coins— and my receipt are thrust into my hand at the same
time, causing me to stand there, pissed off and holding up the line, as my
bills need to be put away in one place, my coins in another, and the
receipt in still another. (Has this happened to you, or am I just spouting
like a crazy person??). This example of poor courtesy is then
compounded. Not only am I forced to deal with poor service from a
person without basic manners in their repertoire, but the patron behind
me is angry at me for “holding up the line”… so they start sighing and
squeezing in to place their order with the civility-devoid automaton
ringing up espresso.

(Please note: I’m fully aware that there are TONS of quality service
personnel out there, and if you are one of them: THANK YOU!… and
I’m not writing about you. :) I’m simply sharing my observations of
others in your line of work that are ruining your outstanding efforts.)

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Again, these are all symptoms… symptoms of a society that is

complacent and permits haphazard civility. So it stands to reason that
much of this would spill over into other relationships: romantic, parental,
or platonic. The cure? In a word: effort. “Effort” is different than
“Work”. Work is that think you do so you can do something else (work
on your car… so you can drive; go to work… so you can earn a living
and enjoy your time off). Effort is different. Effort is what you put in to
things that you care about… that matter to you personally… spiritually…
emotionally. I would offer that if more people put in Effort rather than
Work, the quality of relationships would improve… and perhaps the
person behind me in line at Starbucks won’t accost me. But I digress…
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Nice Guys and Bad Boys
Bad Boys have THE reputation: hot, good looking, scruffy... but also
cocky, arrogant, inconsiderate, inattentive, and almost unfeeling… and
women flock to them. Bad Boys are the reasons that shows like True
Blood and books/movies like Twilight have been so popular. With all the
negatives about Bad Boys, what are the real motivators for women to
have a one-time or recurring want/desire for a Bad Boy in their life? Are
they just trying to attain the unattainable? Is it the challenge of making
him fall in love—to "capture" him? And, where does this leave the Nice
Guy? I asked these questions to a variety of people recently, and received
some interesting insights from a variety of sources—women, experts, and
Bad Boys—and it was eye-opening.

First, a clarification. There were a few respondents that wrote in about
their Bad Boys… through their writing, it became clear that their version
of a “Bad Boy” was actually a criminal. While I’m sure there are
similarities, for the purposes of this discussion I was most interested in
the Bad Boy that started smooth, cool, mysterious, and loving… but
ended up emotionally unavailable, unattainable… even stretching into
emotionally abusive. The stories discussing criminal behavior have not
been included.

The most interesting thing I encountered was the difference between
what the experts say, and the experience of women who dated the Bad
Boys. From accredited psychiatrists, the source of these issues was clear:
comes back to the woman’s father.

From Carole Lieberman, M.D, clinical psychiatrist and author of Bad
Boys: How We Love Them, How to Live with Them, When to Leave Them:

“The main reason women are attracted to bad boys is because of the
relationship they had with their fathers, when they were little girls, that
made them feel unlovable, not good enough to attract a prince. So they
end up kissing a lot of frogs. Other issues play a part, but the main
fundamental, underlying, most important issue is their relationship with
their dads.”

And it was those “other issues” that the women I connected with
really honed in on. Yes, there were a few women who attributed their Bad
Boy addiction to their upbringing and/or challenges with their fathers
specifically… and to Dr. Lieberman’s point, with extended therapy others
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may follow suit. However, the majority of women who responded (44 out
of 51) stated some very specific reasons why they were attracted to Bad
Boys:

1) Great Sex: This topped the list (tied with #2, below), but I would
argue that the other reasons mentioned (below) contribute to the quality
of sex with a Bad Boy. There were many mentions of a certain “look” of
the Bad Boy. The notion of a “look” coincides with a study by the
University of Michigan’s School of Public Health in 2007. To wit:
Women were asked to judge potential mates by how masculine their
features are, new research shows. Men with square jaws and well-defined
brow ridges are seen as good short-term partners, while those with more
feminine traits such as a rounder face and fuller lips are perceived as
better long-term mates. In the study, 854 male and female subjects viewed
a series of male head shots that had been digitally altered to exaggerate or
minimize masculine traits. The participants then answered questions
about how they expected the men in the photos to behave.

Overwhelmingly, participants said those with more masculine features
were likely to be risky and competitive and also more apt to fight,
challenge bosses, cheat on spouses and put less effort into parenting.
Those with more feminine qualities were seen as good parents and
husbands, hard workers and emotionally supportive mates. Despite all the
negative attributes, when asked who they would choose for a short-term
relationship, women still selected the more masculine looking men.

2) The Challenge: The possibility of converting a Bad Boy from a
serial playboy into a loving, supportive, feeling man was a strong pull for
Bad Boy-addicted women… but it’s also the reason some women left
them. From one anonymous respondent:

“My motivation for dating bad boys is the fire of attitude they bring
to the table. The challenge is what brought me to them, but the fire of
never knowing what’s next, and them being great in bed is what keeps
you with them…. for a short period of time. I could never stay with him
for long, because what attracted me to him is inevitably what made me
leave him in a few weeks. Who wants a challenge forever?”

And from another:

“I always fall for the bad guy. Always. My current bad guy has me
wrapped around his finger (that is, whenever he decides he feels like he
wants to have me wrapped around his finger) because he is a challenge to
me. Since I am constantly putting myself through personal- and self-tests
(and consider myself to be an ardent perfectionist), I am finding that with
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him, he’s just another puzzle I’m trying to solve. This was also definitely a
wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing case, too. He swept me off my feet in the
beginning: long engaging discussions, expensive dinners, the works. But
then once decided he had me at the palm of his hand, the fangs came out
and he truly revealed his manipulative and misogynistic ways. Not sure
exactly how many details you are looking for, but to answer your overall
question, I would have to say that I am still into him because he is such a
challenge. Not trying to change him by any means (threw that out the
door months ago) but instead, trying to see exactly how much I can learn
(about myself) from him.”

3) The Thrill: Doing something that was against the norm (or against
parents’ wishes) was also sited as a key motivating factor. Doing the
wrong thing has an appeal, even if it’s only for a short time… or you
drop the Nice Guy:

“I always dated the studious, square type of guys that were perfect
gentlemen and rather bland in the masculinity department. They tried so
hard to “be nice” that they came across as wimpy. This guy was totally
manly in every sense of the word. My response to him was on a cellular
level. But what KEPT me around him was the thought that I was
sneaking and doing something I knew my parents wouldn’t approve of at
all. I did it though because it was one of the very first things in my young
life that I did because I wanted to, with no regard for whether I was being
“a good girl” or “doing the right thing.” It is a phase that all young
females must go through on the road to self-actualization and
independent thinking as a mature woman. We have to cover the full
spectrum of manhood to figure out which one WE like best, and not
choose a man strictly based on assuring the approval of our family and
friends. It’s a hard road!”

The one thing that was mentioned only by a few respondents—and
one expert—is (in my opinion) the most important thing to consider
when evaluating a woman’s choice of a Bad Boy: self-esteem.

Society in general—and the media in particular—LOVE to paint the
Bad Boy as the black hole of masculinity. That is to say, that nothing can
escape them… no woman can resist their magnetism, no Nice Guy is
nice enough to keep a woman away from their pull. In truth, it’s women
who have the complete control of the “magnetism” of these men. Sure,
some of it is primal (read: “Can this manly man take care of me, and
bring food to the table?”), but it’s up to women to realize that they not
only should be wanting more than what the short-shelf-life Bad Boy can
provide them, they deserve more.
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And while some women are trying to figure out if it’s a good idea to
marry them, others are looking at their motivations. From David D.
Clarke, MD, clinical assistant professor of medicine at
Oregon Health Sciences University and author of They Can't Find Anything
Wrong!: 7 Keys to Understanding, Treating, and Healing Stress Illness:

"During the last 25 years I have interviewed thousands of women
who have been in relationships with men who treated them
disrespectfully. Some of them married several of these men. Why? The
women I interviewed had, as children, been treated in ways that lowered
their self-esteem. Consequently, as adults, they tended to fall into
relationships that were consistent with what they were accustomed to,
with men who treated them in ways that were familiar. They then set to
work trying to meet the man’s needs and make the relationship work
better, very much in parallel with what they did as children. They were
accustomed to getting back far less than they gave and that pattern
continued into the adult years. It was only when their self-esteem
improved that they would recognize they deserved better."

Self-esteem… the method by which Bad Boys rise to perceived
greatness, and take advantage of situations with women. And it’s
important to note that Bad Boys come in all shapes, sizes, and ages. As
many women (and men) can attest to… age does not always equal
maturity.

But where does this put the Nice Guys? Well… as cliché as it
sounds… they DO finish last. From Gwen, a respondent and author
of "If It Walks Like A Duck," And Other Truths My Mother Taught Me:

"When I was 19, I dated this amazing guy. We attended different
universities (about three hours apart), and he would make late night trips
after class and work just to visit me for a few hours, then go back. He’d
send me flowers for no reason at all, gifts just because he was thinking
about me. He never pressured me for sex and we never slept together. It
was a very pure and innocent love. I broke up with him because I thought
he was 'too nice'. Everything with him was 'too easy'. I broke his heart,
but all that mattered to me was that I wanted someone more fun and
exciting! From ages 20-26, I had a steady string of bad boys: unattainable
men who provided me a challenge. One was a mama’s boy who didn’t
seem to know how to get from under his mom’s thumb, another was a
serial cheater that I knew about but thought I could change him (boy, was
I wrong!). A third was a gullible guy who listened to everything his friends
told him and never to me, and the fourth was a serious emotional abuser.
They were all great at first, but of course, they changed after a few
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months, much to my dismay. After the final one, I was tired of trying to
change guys and mold them. From then on I decided, “No more
projects!” I wanted a guy that was already together, that didn’t need to be
trained and knew how to treat a woman like a queen. Needless to say, I
got him… in that very same guy I dated back when I was 19. I thank God
everyday that He put it my guy’s heart to give me another chance. And he
hasn’t changed one bit."

The power, influence and charm of a Bad Boy can be enviable, but
I'm hopeful that those "powers" can be channeled for good, and allow
men to move past these modes of false masculinity in order to embrace
how to truly treat a woman beyond short-term excitement and empty
flattery designed to coerce them into bed.

It’s all about the Nice Guy. Nice Guys don't finish last... they just
make sure the woman comes first.
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The Pretty Ones
I’ve been told by various people that being attractive is both a

“blessing and a curse.” I would venture that some people—men and
women—would blast that statement, saying that having good looks could
never be a curse. Truth be told, physical attractiveness and desirability
may be a curse to some, but it has the propensity to make life easier—
acceptance in childhood, employment, companionship… the list is
endless. But despite the advantages of being one of The Pretty Ones
(let's call them TPOs for this discussion), being attractive can also bring
challenges... even emotional damage that might have long-term personal
consequences.

Shallow or not, mentally measuring others according to their beauty is
what society does, at all socio-economic levels. And whether it’s
happening consciously or subconsciously—as a first impression or as a
long-term evaluation—it is happening. Men who are attracted to women
purely on physical attraction are trying to find a desirable mate based on
primal instincts. Women act on their primal urges looking for the
dominant Alpha Male—evaluating the physical aptitude, influence and
power of potential mates in order to find the strongest of the species.
And both men and women assess others of their same gender, sizing up
their competition in an effort to stay at the front of the pack.

I recently conducted a survey with 500 self-identified TPOs (250
women, 250 men) to uncover thoughts and trends around what being
attractive has (or hasn't) done for them through their lives. These people
represented all age groups (18-28: 39%; 29-54: 48%, 55+: 13%), ethic
backgrounds, and romantic statuses, and their responses were fascinating,
ranging from empowered to arrogant. Beauty-plus-arrogance certainly
fosters society’s opinion that being attractive automatically equates to
asshole/bitch... but for most, it was confidence that exuded from their
pores, not conceit.

After the first hundred interviews, it became clear that these pretty
people were divided into two camps: those that embraced their physical
beauty (either confident or conceited), and those that communicated
about their physical attributes—sometimes embarrassment, sometimes
anger, sometimes frustration. Of the men interviewed, nearly all of them
—94 percent—fell in to the confident camp, as they had found that being
attractive helped their careers (not just modeling and/or active, but in the
professional or blue collar world, as well), assisted them in finding a
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significant other. (Both gay and straight respondents said this, as well as
single men who had multiple "significant others" on a weekly basis.)
Women, however, were more divided, with a significant percentage (53
percent) representing those who are uncomfortable with their
attractiveness. And despite the fact that these women emanated from a
variety ethnic backgrounds and economic backgrounds, nearly all
reported the same issues with being attractive:
▪ Told they were pretty. Many we're told how beautiful they were
since early childhood... But that's all they were ever told. No
matter what their other talents—arts, music, scholastics, whatever
—they were told constantly how their looks would "help them
get a man" or that they "should be a model". Now in their adult
years, they don't want to hear how pretty they are or how built
their bodies look. They want to be talked with not ogled.
▪ Put in the “bitch” category. Many stated that both men and
women perceived them as a bitch. If they were confident and
self-assured—in their demeanor as well as their looks—both
men and women acted threatened, and would discard them as
"one of those bitches"... and this would happen before they
opened their mouths to speak, so there was no way for people to
know.
▪ Untouchable. These women stated that they had a very hard

time making and keeping female friends, as other women were
fast to assume that there would be a competition for men. And
men were either intimidated, assumed they would be high-
maintenance, or were sure that they already had a boyfriend or
husband. As such, men wouldn't even approach them.
▪ Not intelligent. The most comment lament was that people

automatically assumed they weren't intelligent—that their beauty
equated to a lack of smarts.
▪ Easy Marks. And when it comes to attractive women, many

times it is the Alpha Male—with primal instincts and DNA
driving his desire. He isn't intimidated by beauty, but he has
ulterior motives. However, most often a “romance” with an
Alpha Male is short-lived, and he moves on after he has his fill.
These women reported that they felt used by men on a
consistent basis.

In short, physical attractiveness can come with a price. Most men
seem to have no issues with this, so my advice falls toward the ladies:
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▪ Maintain your self-esteem. As challenging as it can be, keep

perspective. Two main things drive people who hate on you: fear
and insecurity. Don’t sacrifice who you are and where you are
going to placate the man in your life.
▪ Make men work for your affections. Men who aren't

intimidated will view your beauty as a challenge... and attempt to
dominate you. Don’t give in. Make him work to get with you, and
then keep the bar high.
▪ Watch your friendships. Be careful who you let in to your

world, and how fast. Jealousy is a big motivator
▪ Remember that you are not alone in these challenges.

Women are faced with these challenges everyday—from Alyssa
Milano to Drew Barrymore (just to name two quickly). Keep
your wits about you, and never settle for second-best.
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Is Divorce the “New Black”
Relationship challenges are becoming mainstream news. From Tiger

Woods' and Jesse James' infidelity, to Al and Tipper Gore's divorce, it
seems that more couples than ever are separating (and that's just the tip
of the iceberg for the Gore family. In May of last year, former Vice
President Al Gore's daughter Kristin divorced her husband, Paul Cusack.
And now comes the news that Al and Tipper's daughter Karenna has
been separated from her husband, Andrew Schiff, for a few months and
may be nearing divorce proceedings).
The notion that marriage is a temporary institution isn't new. Sociologist

and futurist Alvin Toffler wrote the best-seller Future Shock in 1970, and
with matter-of-fact conviction, he wrote of the rising trend of "trial" or
"temporary marriages"—first marriages of young people, lasting three
months to three years, and of "serial marriages" that would take place
after the dissolution of the "trial marriage," happening at specific turning
points in people's lives. Toffler's views hold true today. Having accurately
predicted the coming trends, he could see how men and women would
begin to view marriage as a temporary state of being, and today the
divorce rate still hovers at just over 50 percent. But that "50%" data point
is just common data point. Here's the truth (from the US Census and the
Association of Divorce Reform):
▪ 19.5 million adults have been divorced at least once.

▪ 50% of all marriages end in divorce within five years.
▪ Of the couples that last five years, only 50% make it to their 10th
wedding anniversary (That's a 75% divorce rate before the 10th
anniversary)
▪ Over 80% of divorcees reference “irreconcilable differences” as
the reason for separation.
Here's something to consider: If you've been married for a few years,

you might have a child (or two). So, how the rising divorce rate affecting
kids? Is it providing the quintessential example for children of just how
temporary marriage—and all relationships—can be. Divorced) homes
account for:
▪ 63% of youth suicides

▪ 90% of homeless/runaway children
▪ 85% of children with behavior problems
▪ 71% of high school dropouts
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▪ 85% of youths in prison

▪ Over 50% of teen mothers
So, not only are the adults in these relationships causing themselves
heartache and challenge, but they are perpetuating the problem and
showing their children—by example—precisely what a temporary
relationship looks like. Not a pretty picture for our up-and-coming
generations.
What Can Be Done

Obviously, there isn't a magic bullet to "cure" these relationships
issues. There are, however, some things that people might consider when
contemplating tying the knot:
Be Ready. Why get into a committed relationship unless you're ready?

There is no Cardinal Rule stating that people must get married by X date
—or at all! Before taking the leap, it's not only important to know your
partner, it's perhaps even more important to know yourself—who you
are, and where you're going. After you know those two things, who will
go with you is a choice, not a forced decision. And don't let anyone
pressure you into committing before you're ready... including yourself.
Don't give up your individuality. People that put everything in their

relationships and leave nothing back for themselves are setting
themselves up for failure. Maintain your own life, interests, and
friendships... and then share with your significant other.
Put "effort", not "work, into your marriage/relationship. I’ve

long suggested that a successful relationship or marriage takes effort, not
“work”. Oftentimes, Work is that thing you must do in order to have time
and flexibility for the things you really want to do. Effort is what you put
in to activities you care about… that you are most passionate about
making succeed. In short, Effort is a driving force behind a great
partnership and marriage.
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Cougars and MILFs
Cougar. MILF. Two words that keep making their rounds in various
subcultures. [UPDATE: Cougars are not a "subculture", according to
Fayr Barkley -- founder of Cougar International. "30% of women 40+
are dating and even marrying younger men and the percentage is growing.
That hardly makes this dating dynamic a sub culture; especially since it is
being done out in the open vs. behind closed doors, which is where sub
cultures typically exist."]
For those in the un-know, let’s define these terms—err… at least, offer
the media-infused definitions:
Cougar: A woman over 40 who pursues, dates and “plays” with

younger men… sometimes significantly younger
MILF: A simple acronym… Mom I’d Like to F*ck.:
Driven by the media, these terms are creeping into everyday

vocabulary and life: from Barbara Walters’ interview with the women of
The View to the multitude of websites dedicated to “assisting young
men” find, attract, and date said Cougars and MILFS: dateacougar.info,
milf-date.com, and milfdatelink.com are just the tip of the iceberg… but
Sherry M. is all in favor of it.
“I’m [over 50] and have been dating men 10-20 years younger since I
was divorced at the age of 38. Being single and ‘looking’ for the past year
(I had been with a 38 year old for the past six years), I just recently
registered on an online cougars dating site. I hadn’t thought about being a
‘Cougar’, but in trying to better ‘target my market’ (I am a marketing
consultant), I realized I needed to find a site that specialized in older
women looking for younger men. I have to say, I was amazed that most
of the men on the site seem to be looking for women 30 years older, and
I had hoped to meet someone at least older than my youngest child…
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and most are not looking for stable relationships. I find the men meet
who are my age are often “done” with life… no more questions, more
passion… and if they are still alive, they wouldn’t consider dating
someone as old as me! They’re looking for much younger women.”
Edgy? Sure. Are the terms cute? Perhaps, but it depends on who’s
saying it and how it’s said. These labels have been assigned to women for
their actions, behavior, attractiveness, body type, or lifestyle. And as with
any label, each comes with its own perception. I went in search of a
reality-check on these terms, and spoke with women from all walks of
life. I was greeted with a multitude of responses, ranging from “Hell
yeah! I’m a Cougar, and DAMN proud of it!” to “WTF is this about?
Why am I a cat because I’m dating a younger guy?”
Case-in-point: Pamela from Maryland—a “seasoned and spicy 50

year-old”— loves the term: “Well, the Cougar label is better than a ‘hag’
label! The image of a cougar is strong, sleek, confident, playful, fierce,
protective —and very capable of taking care one’s self.”
But where did the terms originate? Reports and opinions vary, but
Pamela has a theory that is more probable than not: “I believe that the
label ‘Cougar’ was coined by a really pissed off ‘twenty-
something’ [woman] who saw her [male] prey enticed and conquered by a
more experienced woman with more to offer than sex. Let’s be honest—a
label is a label; street vendors sell knock-offs [of designer labels]
constantly. A true Cougar laughs off the disparaging comments, and
anyone entertaining the thought of getting involved with a Cougar must
realize that 1) we don’t need anyone to feel or be complete; 2) our time is
important to us and we’ll invest it where we’ll get the most return; and 3)
will everyone please just lighten up? And by the way….who’s to say MILF
doesn’t mean MEN I’d Like to F*ck?”
Although similar and cut from the same cloth, Cougars and MILFs
are different, and after speaking with over 100 women about the positives
and negatives of the label and personal/societal perceptions, I was faced
with very different comments and opinions. We’ll tackle MILFs in a
minute… for now, let’s look at the cats.
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COUGARS
The word itself denotes a cat with a hunter’s instincts and actions… a
predator, if you will. And that caused a stir with Donna Moore (singer,
actress, and writer/producer of the theatre production: COUGAR! A
New Musical—which is currently running off-Broadway, check out
www.donnamoorediva.com): “I think there’s a double standard. Now that
women are dating younger men, society wants to vilify and predatorialize
women calling them a Cougar. A number of people have asked me what
you call an older man who is linked with a younger woman and I’ve
researched it… it’s called a man.”
True, Donna… other men call him “lucky”.
So, is a Cougar a 40 year-old+ body-image-focused, younger man-

dater? Maybe, but there’s much more to it than that. “[Society] also sees
Jennifer Anniston and Demi Moore [as Cougars],” said Pamela from
Maryland. “I think women in their 40’s are just ‘coming into their own’,
and realizing their ability to take control of their lives and how much fun
life can. It’s all about attitude.”
And that attitude can carry over to all parts of life. With that said, is
being a Cougar about dating and sexuality? Or is it finance and security?
Or maybe it’s body youthfulness? A partying lifestyle? Maybe, and I heard
from women in all these siloed walks of life… but being a Cougar is
about he combination of these traits, despite what the media might
“define” as a Cougar:
“The notion of being a Cougar is based on what the media

projects…” continues Pamela, “which is dating and sexuality first and
foremost —hey, it gets the ratings. But if you actually looked at a woman
who perceives herself as a Cougar, you find a very confident, no bullsh*t
woman who has seen it all—been there, done that, bought the T-shirt,
and is not threatened by a younger woman. In business, it’s every woman
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(and man) for herself (or himself)—the bedroom rarely plays into the
boardroom anymore. [Cougars] prove our existence every day, and can
relax at the end of the day with a chilled Grey Goose and a smile.”
And Kristen S. agrees: “Cougars defy the societal stereotype of age—

or more accurately, they ignore it. It’s definitely about sexuality though,
which comes from a confidence and wisdom a woman gains from life
experience. Sexuality, especially for women, is so psychological—I view
cougars as women who know who they are and have gained wisdom
from life experience—and that is sexy.”
“The term Cougar is used when discussing dating and sexuality,” said
Susan Hartzler, president of AlphaDogPR. “But a Cougar is someone
who has it all together to be attractive to any man, be it young or old. She
is financially secure, has a youthful spirit and joie de vivre that cannot be
bought, or found in someone in their 20s. You have to have lived life to
know about how to live YOUR life. I would much rather be labeled a
Cougar than an old broad or worse—a spinster. There are words that are
much worse than Cougar that the media could have come up with to use.
I think Cougar works. I’m proud of my age. I’m proud of my Cougar
status. I still turn heads. I still get whistled at. Until that changes, I’m still
purring up a storm!”
“The cougar upsets the status quo in many respects, said Karin
Anderson, Ph.D. at Concordia University. “In our culture (with the strong
possibility of evolutionary factors playing a part here as well), women are
valued for their physiques, while men are valued for their power/
influence. Therefore, young women rule and older men rule. The cougar
intimidates young women in that she looks much like they do yet has
what they don’t—confidence, financial means, security, command of her
sexuality, and a strong sense of self. Therefore, it is likely, that young
women are the most threatened by the cougar. In fact, I was first
introduced to the concept when a friend in her mid-twenties called me a
cougar. She was joking, of course, but clearly the term appeared in her
vernacular long before mine.”
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I spoke with a number of self-identifying Cougars that were clear that

they were after younger guys purely for fun. But I also spent time with
Debbie Nigro, who summed things up beautifully: “When women are in
their 20s, they are looking to procreate with… when they are in their 40’s,
they are looking for someone to recreate with.”
And as the Co-founder and Chief Executive Girlfriend (self-titled) at
FirstWivesWorld.com, Debbie would know. Her site focuses on assisting
women put a new face on divorce, thus creating another “happily ever
after” for themselves. She and I spent a lot of time talking, and separating
the media hype from the reality of Cougars.
Charles Orlando: Do you like the term “Cougar”? It is accurate?
Debbie Nigro: The media and society defines a Cougar as a woman

who dates or carouses around with a younger man. But it sounds
predatory, and it’s not completely accurate. I want a new word. I actually
ran a contest to find a new word on FirstWivesWorld.com. Maybe
“Cougaress” is a more accurate term.
C.O.: Cougars: Are they looking for a mate, or looking for a date?
D. N.: It varies. The bulk of women who are back in the dating game
are older, but the dating pool is more “shallower”… mostly because men
dripping with testosterone need to validate their masculinity with a
younger woman.
C.O.: How do you think this metamorphosis takes place—from

woman to Cougar?
D. N.: When a woman is younger, she is insecure. As she ages, she

finds her femininity—her sexuality. Cougars are confident and secure…
and choose to enjoy the company of a younger man. But the stereotypes
are completely inaccurate. SNL did a skit: Cameron Diaz in tight stuff,
but it ended up really raunchy, depicting Cougars as “old comfortable
shoes… billy goats that fight each other for prey.” Cougars are not
predators trolling for younger men. We’re confident, not desperate.
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C.O.: Why are Cougars getting into the mainstream now? What’s
special about this time?
D. N.: There are many variables that have caused this change: The
increasing earning power of women, opening new businesses, choosing
divorce. And, women now have ‘permission’ by society to be dating a
younger man. It’s more accepted.
C.O.: “Cougars are over 40 years old.” Agree or disagree?
D. N.: Disagree. Cougars can be any age, shape, or size… and don’t
have to look like Cameron Diaz. Besides… it can be nice to have a
younger man… even amusing. Some of the younger guys love it. No
strings. No drama.
C.O.: What about relationships? Commitment? Marriage?
D. N.: Cougars aren’t like a younger woman who wants to get married.
That’s all a game. Cougars are much more confident. For women, it’s nice
to just be carefree… no worries… just fun.
Lots of opinion, lots of misconceptions. Case-in-point, this comment

from Libbe HaLevy, a “59, gray-haired and hipper than hell” marketing
coach: “Cougars are ‘older women’ (38?!?!?????) — this is terribly
prejudicial. What is meant by the term as I’ve heard it used is men calling
this kind of woman predatory simply because she still has interest or
involvement in sex. What — you mean we don’t curl up and sexually die
simply because we’ve moved beyond the age of pneumatic anorexia and
jailbait midriffs? A little meat on the bones, some experience with life,
and the ability to throw out birth control forever lead to women taking
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control of our lives in a brand new way. We have money, power, looks
(though some men refuse to see it… usually those who we’d formerly
considered ‘age appropriate’, appetites and freedom. Why shouldn’t we be
out there enjoying ourselves in whatever way we choose? And I, for one,
have found younger men far more receptive to my truth than men my age
or older. Cougar?? How about Goddess??”
And from Karin Anderson, Ph.D: “I’m 38 and get approached by 25-
year-olds all the time. I’m not on the prowl for younger men, but if a guy
is nice and cute I’m not going to rule him out just because he’s younger
than me. Apparently, this makes me a Cougar, according to some.
Personally, I think the term evidences lingering sexism and misogyny in
our society. Sure, an 85-year-old man is considered a letch if he tries to
date a woman who is 35, but a 40-year-old man dating a 25-year-old
woman is deemed perfectly normal. But a 40-year-old woman dating a
25-year-old man is considered a cougar. It’s just your run of the mill
sexism manifested in our language—much like the fact that our words for
older, unmarried women are quite negative (i.e. spinster, old maid) but
our only term for an unmarried man holds no pejorative connotations
whatsoever—bachelor. “
MILFs
So what about *MILF*, the “affectionate” term for attractive mothers

that younger men would like to bed. The term was made popular by the
movie American Pie (1999), but has been around much longer. But
although the media sometimes uses these terms synonymously, “MILF”
is very different from “Cougar”, with the former having an almost
exclusive sexual connotation, while the latter seemingly personifies
empowerment, life experience, and freedom. As such, some of the
women I spoke with could identify with “Cougar” and found “MILF”
offensive:
From Sherry M.: “I’m embarrassed to say that I had to look up

MILF… and I’m even more embarrassed, and disgusted, now that I
know what it means. YES, it’s offensive. I have four grown children (and
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four—soon to be five—grandchildren). Although I have no problem

referring to myself as a Cougar in front of them, I would never want
them to think of me as an MILF.”
But there are many women who self-identify as a MILF, and find
power and confidence in the term. Magazine MILF, the outspoken,
funny, opinionated and obviously empowered woman who writes a blog
of the same name (and if you have any questions on what is/being a
MILF, please check out her FAQs, notably titled MILF and Cookies). She
and I corresponded about the perceptions and the positive aspects of
being identified as a MILF, and her responses were interesting, if not
peppered with positivity and empowerment…
Charles Orlando: What specifically about the term MILF is positive to

you?
Magazine MILF: I know that a lot of feminists don’t like the word
MILF. They see it as misogynistic — as a man’s view of a woman, and if
you take it literally, that is probably true. I, too, consider myself a feminist
(my mom burned her bra and my dad marched alongside her at woman’s
lib marches) but I see MILF as a positive because it acknowledges that a
woman can still be sexy, sexual, beautiful, desirable and confident post-
baby. While this may seem obvious in the age of the ever-present
celebrity mother, it’s a relatively new concept for the mainstream. Among
mothers I know, describing someone as a MILF is a cheeky and welcome
compliment that is synonymous with “hot mom.” It means you look
terrific, despite the chaos of child-raising, not to mention the physical toll
of pregnancy; there are no sexual overtones to this scenario.
C.O.: The media seem to define MILFs as “over the age of 40”? Do
you agree?
M.M.: I am 34 and I am a MILF. My nanny is 28 and she is a MILF

too. Any woman who is a mother can be a MILF.
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C.O.: Is being a MILF more about dating and sexuality, finance and
security, body youthfulness, or lifestyle?
M.M.: MILFiness is as much about your looks and style, as it is a state

of mind. It’s about doing your best with what you’ve got—looks,
finances, confidence, etc.
C.O.: The notion that a woman who is attractive, financially secure,

and strong—strong enough to go after and attain what she wants—
needs to be labeled anything besides a woman is concerning. And while
some women find the term “MILF” endearing (which speaks to their
high level of self-esteem), the motivations for the label itself
disenfranchise the powerful people these women have become. What is
George Clooney called (at 47 years old) besides a “hot bachelor”? And
he’s what the media defines as “older”… how did women get the label of
MILF or Cougar, and men skate out unscathed?
M.M.: If someone comes up with a catchier phrase than “hot

bachelor,” you can bet it will work its way into the mainstream! The thing
is, nobody doubts the virility and attractiveness of men of a certain age,
whether they are fathers or bachelors. But women were largely assumed
to have lost their appeal once they became mothers, and the explosion of
the word MILF dovetails with our change in attitude toward mothers.
Mothers are no longer asexual frumps. You can still be totally hot and
confident and desirable after you have children. I love it that moms have
this fun and fabulous term. It gives us something that the dudes don’t
have, and it’s not some feminization of a term that already exists for men
(like bachelor and bachelorette, ugh!). Being a woman is fabulous but
being a fabulous woman who is a mother too, well, that’s downright
MILFy! It’s like belonging to a really fun club.
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Flings, Aﬀairs, and Online Infidelity
Recently, I've been asked a lot of questions regarding infidelity... from

both men and women. Allow me to make it clear: Men and women both
cheat. Their motivations are very different, but cheating is still cheating...
period.

First off, allow me to state that monogamy isn't for everyone. In fact,
many argue that it's not a "natural state" for men. In many ways, I think
those people are right. DNA-wise, both genders are driven by primal
instincts to continue our species, not concentrate on the sanctity of
marriage. However, humans now claim to be civilized... and if a person
decides to delve into the world of commitment, marriage, and fidelity,
they should hold to the ideals that accompany that choice. However, that
doesn't seem to hold true in today's world of disposable marriages.

Alvin Toffler wrote the best seller Future Shock in 1970, and with
matter-of-fact conviction, he wrote of the rising trend of "trial" or
"temporary marriages"—first marriages of young people, lasting three
months to three years, and of "serial marriages" that would take place
after the dissolution of the "trial marriage," happening at specific turning
points in people's lives. Toffler's views hold true today. Having accurately
predicted the coming trends, he could see how men and women would
begin to view marriage as a temporary state of being. As California and
other states try to figure out if gay marriage is "legal," the divorce rate for
heterosexual couples still hovers at just over 50 percent. What most don't
consider is how the rising divorce rate provides the quintessential
example for children of just how temporary marriage—and all
relationships—can be.

Recent data shows that the most common reason for divorce is
irreconcilable differences—the notion that the couple just doesn't get
along anymore... for whatever reasons. But many I've spoken with—men
and women—are quick to cite being cheated on as the primary reason for
past relationships having ended. Cheating—regardless of the motivation
for it—isn't merely the act of sex or physical release... it's an act of
betrayal. And that level of betrayal is very confusing to me.

Full disclosure: Have I EVER cheated? Ummm... yeah. I... uh... really
burned some people... badly. (Just read my book... you'll spot my lack of
discretion and self-control in the first few pages of the introduction.) But
have I cheated since marriage? I'd be a liar if I said that I've never been
tempted to cheat. I am human—and a man—so I most certainly have
been tempted (and the woman I'm thinking of... she was HOT... damn!
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But I would have never gotten away with it anyway). The difference is
that I possess enough self-esteem to not humiliate myself, and I value and
respect my wife and our marriage, so I would never betray her, as she is
my friend. And that is my point: Men and women who cheat are
betraying their spouse... but they would never betray their friends in that
way—which is the source of my confusion. If you're going to cheat, give
the common courtesy to the other party that you would demand
yourself... and leave the relationship. Some may say, "It's not that simple."
Well... if it's not, then perhaps the choice of infidelity might be
something to ponder on for a while.

All this said, there are two main types of infidelity: Flings and affairs.
Flings are the most common, most often involving opportunity, lust, and
lack of self-control. You know:

"Babe, I screwed up. I got smashed in Vegas with the [guys/girls] and
ended up sleeping with this stripper I met at the club. It didn't mean
anything, and I promise it won't happen again. Please forgive me."

Sometimes, opportunity can make good people do bad things—
however, the person choosing to forgive a fling better think long and
hard about it, as flings can highlight how little self-control an individual
possesses at a given point in their lives (spoken from long-ago past
experience). I'm not an advocate of "Once a cheater, always a cheater"...
but the tendency is there.

Affairs are different. Affairs are long-term relationships—sometimes
involving sex, sometimes not—and they are trickier for someone to get
over. Affairs take their toll on both sides of the relationship, betrayer and
betrayee—but it's important to note the goal of the person starting an
affair: to get caught. Perhaps they don't have the wherewithal to end one
relationship before starting another, or maybe they can't bring themselves
to admit to their significant other that they have fallen out of love with
them. Whatever the reason, affairs are a real investment in a relationship
behind someone else's back—and that is what makes them so much more
damaging.

Which brings us to a different kind of cheating for the web-based era:
Online cheating. There are an endless number of sites that advocate and
enable real-world affairs (whose highest spending advertisers are divorce
attorneys). But meeting someone online and then quickly transferring the
relationship to the real world is really just a fling. Online cheating is
different. With the rise of social media and community-based websites,
connecting with others in remote locations isn't just the activity of a small
subculture, it's ingrained into our everyday lives. Numbers vary, but
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Facebook boasts some 700 million-plus users worldwide (and since their
acceptance into the mainstream, high school reunions have fallen by over
60 percent). Online cheating—without any physical contact—is the most
damaging type of infidelity. The reason? The entire "connection"
between the two parties is emotional.
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Pick-ups, Alpha Males, and Douchebag-o-rama
There are plenty of articles on what guys will do to get women into
bed. From He’s Just Not That Into You to Tucker Max, the warnings are out
there: Don’t play into his ego (or give in too quickly) and then wonder
why/how you gave up all the control in the relationship. Don’t play coy,
as this is blood in the water to the Pickup Artist. But these are common,
overt techniques men use to coerce women into the backseat hotel
bedroom. There are many other subtler, subliminal, and unfair methods,
guaranteed to take the uninitiated off-guard.

It’s a common trend: Women going home with a dating predator and
then regretting their actions with these pseudo-suitors—questioning their
womanly intuition, and wondering why his lies didn’t ring up a 10.8 on
the Bullshit-o-Meter. To provide some insights into “whys”, I will need to
do the unthinkable (again), and break the Guy’s Code. Maybe some of
the single ladies out there will gain some insight beyond trivial dating tips
and quips. And, par for the course, any man who ends up reading this
article will comment stating that I’m either: 1) full of shit, or 2) that I’m a
man-hater. (No worries, Brother. Contrary to what you think, my book
isn’t a man-bash, I’m not a misandrist, and my email inbox is already filled
with hatemail from guys just like you. Besides, while you’re bashing me
online—and anonymously, O’ Brave One—please note that your girl is
ordering my book in an attempt to figure out why you treat her the way
you do. Good luck with that.)

Firstly, let me acknowledge that there is a multitude of Nice Guys out
there (not wimpy, backboneless “sensitive guys”… just Nice-And-I-
Would-Bring-Him-Home-To-Mom Guys). If you are one of them—or
dating/married to a man like this—congrats; the rest of this article isn’t
about you (but you might see people you know in the words that follow).
Let’s talk about the not-so-nice guys. The Bad Boys that women find oh-
so exciting that they try and capture them… their romantic unicorn, so to
speak. The Scammers that make the one-night stand a full-contact sport.

Alpha Men
Nice Guys have long-lamented “the assholes get all the girls.”
Obviously, this is an exaggeration, but the point is well-taken. The main
reason women are enraptured by dominant Alpha Males is simple: the
perception of confidence. Confidence can be a magic formula that helps
elicit a positive response from a woman, and it’s rooted in primal
instincts: He is (or appears as) powerful—a protector/provider; someone
with strong physical and mental prowess. Where things change is in
motivation. Men looking to achieve a fast, temporary romance, will use
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confidence as a weapon, and give the perception that they are strong, a
provider, and a protector; the stereotypic Alpha Man. In truth, this is a
ruse to guarantee their acceptance to the next level—woman sans
clothing.
However, these traits (and the associated primal instincts and
responses) don’t incorporate the wants and needs of modern-day
relationships lasting on animalistic mating.

The Scammer’s Approach
She may think she saw him first, but even that is part of the scam.
He’s not in a rush, so he watches… waiting for an opening, or for the
chance to create one. Whatever activity in which she’s engaged—drinking
a cocktail, reading a book, working on her computer, talking to friends—
he will use it as an icebreaker to start a conversation.

Scammers create an approach on-the-fly… something that’s unique to
the woman they are pursuing as well as the situation. They know that
originality counts during the initial introduction, and their overarching
goal is either to surprise her, to make her smile, or to bring her down to
his level—all of which is largely dependent on the Scammer’s
interpretation of what will work the fastest. In effect, he is sizing her up
quickly, determining the right approach needed, and working to break
down mental barriers. He is working to find her individual Trigger—
designed to cause a woman to feel some way, or respond in some fashion.
They aren’t necessarily designed to elicit a positive response every time;
they are used to cause her to lose the upper hand in this primal courtship
dance. Do compliments work? Sure. Telling a woman she is smart,
beautiful, alluring, etc. can help matters, but they don’t help the Scammer
coerce her into bed. For fast results, some men use… other tactics. One
in particular—known by my group of morally challenged miscreants in
our pick-up days as the “Pump and Deflate”—is today called “The Neg”.

Negative Reinforcement
The Neg. Harsh-yet-strategic criticisms to remove a woman “from her
pedestal”. Positioned carefully as playful banter—but insults at the core—
they do their job remarkably well. Negs keep a woman with the slightest
dent in her self-esteem just a little off-balance, they test for compliance,
and work at eliminating mental and physical barriers. Quintessential
example: “Uncross your arms. It’s a sign of anger.” (Women almost
ALWAYS uncrossed them. The result: Questioning if she is angry, loss of
confidence, and the removal of a subconscious act of suspicion and
defense.)

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And that’s a light example of Negs. When I was dating, I never

personally stooped to use this technique, as I never wanted to be
perceived as an asshole (which, to the casual observer, virtually all of this
behavior can be categorized under that simple heading). However, I’ve
seen it in-action… and wow, is it effective! The comments range from,
“Your lip is just a little crooked when you talk,” to, “I could never date
you. You’re too fat.” (See? Asshole.)

Almost Attainable
My favorite tactic—and by far the most effective—was in two steps:
1) becoming the guy she wanted, but then, 2) to “be honest” about my
not wanting a relationship right now. For most of the women I was
involved with, that was the ultimate challenge—an invitation, in fact—to
try and convince me that she was the one for me. I was empowered to do
almost anything, and there were no limits to my freedom (as I was honest
in not wanting exclusivity). But still, because I arranged myself to fill so
many of the wants/needs they were looking for in a man, I was worth the
chase. In essence, I was in control by creating her illusion of control.
What a Woman Can Do to Counter

It’s important to note that there are plenty of confident women that
The Neg (and other underhanded pick-up techniques) do/will not work
on. But scammers play the numbers game, as it’s all about the end-goal of
getting someone—nearly anyone—into bed. If a woman can resist the
temptation/challenge, scammers move on to an easier mark.
▪ Don’t play the game. If he is really interested in you, you’ll

know it. If he’s not, you’ll wonder all the time if he is… it’s as
simple as that.
▪ Resist the [typical] Alpha. Alpha Men have their use, but given
what women have said that want in a modern-day relationship,
these guys are not equipped to provide it. They might have some
of what a woman is looking for from a primal standpoint, but
not for a long-term relationship.
▪ Reversal. They will never admit it, but guys are just as vulnerable
to pick-up techniques as the ladies. A challenge is just what many
men need to keep them on their toes—both at the start and
throughout a relationship. Make the guys work for it.
▪ Bolster your self-esteem. Don't fall for The Neg.
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Why Porn is Teaching Your Man Bad Habits in Bed
This past weekend, I got into a discussion with friends about sex and
pornography, and it all boiled down to two questions: 1) Is porn a good
thing or a bad thing? 2) What does it do for our sex lives?

Firstly, let's acknowledge that pornography can be good for some
people. Couples going through a hard time sexually are often prescribed
pornography as a way of reengaging and rejuvenating their sex lives. And
some people are voyeuristic, and get turned on watching others. But if
your guy thinks that the reel-life he’s seeing should be anything like your
real-life in the bedroom, then there’s a problem. Here’s why:

Porn. Is. Fake.

Once you strip away the facade of overacted orgasms, bulging biceps
and silicone implants, you can remember that there is a crew of 10-15
people on the set — and from that simple fact, the fakery is obvious.
These are people getting paid to perform a job... and it's no different than
any other form of entertainment. The question is: Does your guy believe
that it's real?

As an analogy, some WWE fans allow themselves to believe the
"wrestling" they are watching is real, too, but the key difference is that
most wrestling fans — even if they think wrestling is real — won't try
performing a pile-driver on their friends. And that's where porn seems to
be different.

"My [sexual partner] will love this, because those porn starlets love it."
Last weekend one of my friends looked at me completely serious, eyes
burning, and said, with much conviction (and volume):

"F**K porn, Charles. Period. I mean, who told men that I like it when
they... " [she then takes two fingers and pounds violently on the table with
them] on my clit!?" We all laughed hysterically, but it was then that I truly
understood how the porn industry is teaching its target market (read:
men) all the wrong things, creating a huge disconnect with what men
expect in bed.

Here are 6 bad lessons from the porn industry:

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1. Women are always ready. Porn is flawed right from the time you
hit Play on the DVD player. While there are women who are ready for
sex at the drop of a hat, most require some kind of effort besides
eloquent, smooth lines like, "You ready?" or "How about some?" Do men
really think that a line like "Wanna bump uglies?" is going to get them in
the mood? It’s going to take a little more than that to get a woman to
relax enough to forget about work stress, money worries, the kids, boring
chores and everything else that is preying on her mind.

2. All women want to do anything to/for the man, while he
provides a bare minimum. This is highlighted in every movie and in
every scene. 99 percent of sex scenes start with.... (wait for it) — a
blowjob. Of course... because she's been sitting around all day just
waiting to perform that act.

3. Foreplay is not necessary. No need for all that pesky foreplay —
kissing is overrated, ambiance is unnecessary, creating any kind of a
mood is just a waste of time. Just give it to me now! Sometimes a quickie
is just what a woman wants, but every time? No way!

4. Everything on a woman is... uh... "accessible"... and she
wants you to do whatever you want to her body. Yeah, right. Sure.
Women want no ambience, no foreplay, no attraction to their partners,
and no privacy as a man inserts his various extremities and pounds every
possible bodily opening (perhaps without any lubrication). Puh-leaze.

5. Nipples are there specifically for men to abuse. In porn land,
pounding, pulling, pinching, twisting and prodding obsessively — with
ever-increasing intensity — on the most sensitive of a woman's body
parts will earn men extra points. Can we please acknowledge that there is
a real difference between aggressive sex and clumsy, seventh-grade
experimentation? Some women are into pain and kink... but not all. (A
clearer definition: Erotic might be a feather... Kinky is the whole chicken.)

6. All women are naturally attracted to other women. Ah yes... the
Holy Grail of sex for men: The threesome. There’s nothing wrong if
she's into it, but you won’t catch most women hanging out a with a
friend, dressed as secretaries (or school girls, or teachers, or bikini-
wearing “housewives”) with blue eye shadow and sticky red lip gloss,
waiting (err… pining) for the guy to come home (or knock on the door
with a pizza delivery) so they can have sex with him together.

These examples showcase the massive disconnect between what most
women say they really want, and what men are being exposed to on a
constant basis. If men are being turned on by an ever-increasing
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selfishness in bed, it’s no wonder sex lives are suffering (which I’m not
just assuming … I’ve been told). I'm not suggesting that sex needs to be
candles, soft music and aromatherapy every time, but assuming all women
want these things is B.S.; there's just no other term for it. And I'm also
not suggesting that men should be doing all the work to create the mood,
but I would suggest that there are rewards to be reaped for reading the
scene, creating the right environment, and moving slowly... ending in a
fever pitch.

Seduction is not over-rated… and it starts way before you enter the
bedroom.

Originally published on Yahoo! Shine for BettyConfidential.com
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Why Women Cheat

A Married Man Goes Undercover On Ashley Madison
"Honey, I have to join Ashley Madison."
So began the pitch I gave my wife to let me join the marrieds-

looking-for-affairs website, AshleyMadison.com. It would be part of
my research into women who cheat, why infidelity is increasing, and what
can be done to possibly affair-proof a marriage. I proposed to "cheat" on
her for a few weeks, to talk to and attempt to seduce as many women as
possible, and get a real-world understanding of why women want to stay
married but also need some illicit action on the side.
Of course, on my end, there'd be nothing more than conversation.

She looked at me straight-faced, unflinching. I searched her eyes for any
telltale sign of the Charles-I'm-going-to-punch-you-in-the-face-right-
after-I-castrate-you look; nothing. After a long pause, I got her only
thought: "No, I get it," she said emphatically. "It's a great story. But it's kinda
like asking the newly-vegetarian fox to guard the henhouse, isn't it?"
I thought about it, and unfortunately her statement wasn't too far
from the truth. If you back me up a few years—sans wife, kids, dogs,
published book on relationships, 400,000+ fans following my relationship
advice on Facebook—I was a chronic womanizer; a past she knows
about, but never experienced personally. To make matters worse, I wasn't
some weak pick-up artist using idiotic dating boot camp approaches that
reeked of negativity and douchebaggery on vulnerable women in order to
break them down and manipulate them into sex. No… I was far more
despicable than that.
Was I looking to get women into bed? Of course, but it was more
than that. I worked hard to become the embodiment of seduction. To
quickly read the spoken and unspoken clues of what a woman was
looking for in a man, and then give her the perception I was that guy. In
effect, to become so alluring that she would willingly give herself over,
thinking that having sex was her idea. After all, it's much easier to
convince people of things they think they have thought of themselves. It
was quite a rush, and as the wake of emotional destruction would
later exemplify, seducing women became my drug of choice.
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"No, babe… that's not even close," I told her, not fully considering the
implications of the coming situations. "That was 15… no, almost 20 years ago. And
you know that I love you. There's nothing to fear."
After another pregnant pause, she consented with a few words of sage
advice: "Don't. Fuck. Up."
The Statistics
According to The Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, nearly 50
percent of married women and 60 percent of married men will have an
extramarital affair at some point in their marriage. When you consider
that these statistics are nearly double what they were a short 10 years ago,
clearly this is beyond an issue; it is now commonplace. But it's far from a
surprise; it was predicted. Futurist Alvin Toffler wrote the best seller
Future Shock in 1970, and with matter-of-fact conviction he wrote of
"trial" or "temporary marriages"—young people's first marriages, lasting
three months to three years—and of "serial marriages" that would take
place after the dissolution of the "trial marriage" at specific turning
points in people's lives.
So, does this mean marriage has "jumped the shark" and become
obsolete? Hardly. Marriage is not the issue. Commitment and loyalty or
the lack thereof are at the crux of this. After all, marriage is a legal and/
or spiritual binding of two people… but if commitment isn't there and
loyalty becomes a matter of subjectivity or convenience, the marriage is
already nonexistent. Cheating then becomes a symptom of a secretly
failed marriage.
But is it really so black and white, with no grey and no room for
mistakes, missteps, or moments of weakness? Do people who cheat want
to leave their current marriage? Are they secretly trying to get caught so
they'll have an excuse to get out? I needed answers to these questions
(and many others), so I headed where any high-tech junkie looking to
cheat on his wife would go: online.
The Business of Infidelity

The advent of the Internet has made having an illicit affair easier than
ever before. Meeting Mr. or Ms. Right, The Sequel, is a mere mouse-click
for anyone with a credit card. If you're looking to Hit-It-And-Quit-It,
there's AdultFriendFinder.com, Craigslist's Casual Encounters or
Fling.com (among many others). But sex-only semi-anonymous hookups
wasn't where my investigation was headed, as women looking to merely
have sex can meet a man anywhere—nightclubs, coffee shops, Facebook,
wherever.
148
My hypothesis was simple: Women who were looking for an

extramarital affair with another married man were looking to connect in
some way. If both parties were married, they not only started on even
ground, but they had something in common—they were missing
something from their current relationship. I needed to uncover the
motivations behind starting and maintaining an affair.
And affairs are big business. Numerous websites are dedicated to

connecting those looking to engage in flagranté delecto sans spouse.
AffairsClub.com, MarriedCafe.com, LonelyWivesAffairs.com are but the
tip of the iceberg, and all have women and men signing up in droves. The
undisputed leader for cheating is AshleyMadison.com, the "Life is short.
Have an affair." website. Ashley Madison has experienced meteoric
growth to the tune 8.9 million members since its founding in 2002, with
no slowing in sight. And while founder and CEO Noel Biderman doesn't
condone having an affair, he seems perfectly comfortable with others
doing their infidelity thing. Works for some… and now, it was my turn to
get my (feigned) cheat on.
"Hello, Ashley Madison! Long time, no cheat!"

I filled out my nickname and relevant info, plopped down my credit
card number (discretely billed as "AMDB" to my credit card statement),
and then all I needed to do was… wait a second. I was faced with the
eternal online seduction dilemma: now what? What will make the
opposite sex want me online? What do women want to see on my profile?
Recent reports state that Ashley Madison has a community that is

comprised of 70 percent men and 30 percent women. Clearly women
have the upper hand with choice, so I needed to stand out against all the
other guys. I posted a real picture of me (I was looking to connect in-
person, after all), but I listed a fake name (if they Googled my real name,
I was sure to be caught). To formulate the right approach, I decided to do
something I couldn't do in the real world: get into the minds of my
competition, albeit a little sneakily.
I signed up for a second Ashley Madison account as a woman,

"Shelly," and began checking out the guys' profiles. Most of the men's
profiles highlighted attempts at humor, asking straight-out for sex, to…
uh… romance ("I like walks on the beach." Really!?!? Walks on the
beach!? Come on, now… no, you don't! I mean, we all like walking on the
beach, but that's not why you're on the site. And besides, the 1970s called,
and they want their pick-up line back.) In contrast, so many of the
women's profiles were dripped with laments ranging from "lack of
attention" to "seeking excitement" to "need someone who pays
149
attention." Additionally, it was fascinating to see "Shelly's" inbox FILL

UP in a matter of minutes. I hadn't even added a picture or completed
the profile for that persona.
With a firm understanding of where my competition played—and the

miserable approaches of some—I got to work writing something unique,
confident, and (hopefully) mysterious and seductive. I set up three
profiles to see which would resonate the fastest and which would hit with
the most success. "Scottie" was unsure, shy, and a bit weak ("I'm not sure
why I'm here."), "Greg" was the quintessential Alpha Male ("You know
you want me…"), and the aforementioned "Cameron" was closer to the
middle ("Too many men get comfortable—even complacent—and forget
that foreplay starts outside the bedroom... that kisses can start soft with
cheek strokes, but end with the back of her hair being pulled in wild
passion.")
Early Success
Online dating is a complicated arena much like ordering fast food, in
that what you get is never really what the picture and description promise.
And given the demographical split on the site, I was prepared to be
searching and waiting for a number of days for interest or responses. To
my surprise, Cameron's profile had 20 messages on his first night.
I responded to a few messages, and before I knew it I was invited to a

chat session with "SexyCat" (profile name changed to ensure her
anonymity). SexyCat wanted to know all kinds of things, and what I
would do if given the opportunity. With my wife watching TV on the
couch a mere 10 feet away, here I was talking dirty to a 36-year-old
married woman (who's husband was probably watching TV on the couch
a mere 10 feet away from her). SexyCat wasn't the only one. I discovered
that to satisfy their deep longing for passion with minimal risk, many
women sign up for Ashley Madison to have virtual sex via chat.
Over the next several days, I had chat sessions of varying length with
33 different women (hmm… it is online… I wonder if they were all
women!). In each session, I attempted to take things to the next level—an
in-person meeting—but no-go. Most of these women seemed
comfortable in getting what they needed online. It was arm's-length
cheating for them (and perhaps one-handed typing). I hope I didn't
disappoint them and that virtual cigarettes were ablaze in post-coital,
pixelated afterglow of my cybersex adventures.
I told my wife about my hot chats… and she laughed. We got into a
long discussion about the arm's length approach to cheating these women
150
had, and if it was really cheating. If it was borderline anonymous (read:

they didn't know much about me), it was akin to an interactive romance
or erotic novel. I recounted some of the more sexually explicit material
these ladies had written, as well as what I wrote in response, and we both
said aloud what we have known for a long time: When it comes to sex,
women will get into the real detail… so much more so than most men.
And with the inherent anonymity of chat, those inhibitions only grow
exponentially. But I hadn't been afraid; I can talk dirty with the best of
them. But Ashley Madison had more in store for me than just chat
sessions.
Date #1: "Ashley"

"Ashley" initially reached out to me and was eager to meet. After a
brief inbox exchange on the website, we decide to meet for coffee at a
cafe in Mountain View, a stone's throw from California's Silicon Valley.
She was a dead-on match to her picture: a striking 5'8" blonde. As we
headed inside, I caught a glimpse of our reflections in the window and
laughed quietly. At 5'5", I look like Dudley Moore to her Brigitte Nielsen.
She was confident, and as it turned out, a bit of a cheating pro. At 43

and a pure Type A personality—a Sales Executive in high-tech—she'd
been married for 22 years and has had several affairs. Ashley Madison has
been her "outlet" for the past number of years. I ask if her husband has
an outlet, as well, and she was clear that he doesn't. "He would never," she
said with equal confidence. "He doesn't have time for this kind of thing."
As we talked, our conversation turned to the philosophical and

intellectual side of life and world events: Descartes, Nietzsche, politics,
world history, religion, sex... subjects about which I have no shortage of
opinions and personal insight. And I realized her outlet was mental and
intellectual stimulation. She was fascinated that I was able to keep up with
her, and she flushed, showing signs that this was more than banter for her
—it was foreplay.
Ashley told me she loved her husband but couldn't understand why he
had dropped back from their relationship. He was "passion and romance"
when they dated, but had become "all work and no play." She shared
briefly that as the Chief Technical Officer of a technology start-up, he
was too busy for her, with travel and his company taking all his time. "But
he's always been too busy, ever since we got married," she lamented. I piled on to
her discontent by falsely offering that my wife also has no time for me,
but I then asked her: "So why don't we leave them, then? Why are we here?" She
didn't miss a beat. "I need passion. I need to feel something… almost anything at
this point. He has great qualities, but…" and we then dropped the subject at
her request.
151
She was extremely intelligent and witty—and she was just as clear that
sex was a priority.
"You seem a little green, so let me explain where I'm at. I'm not here looking for a
husband, so you don't need to worry about that. I'm looking for a man to take the
lead; to invest his time, but not his emotions. Oh, and your height isn't a problem."
We both laughed.
Our hour-long coffee date flew by, and under different circumstances
I would have loved to continue the conversation. She was strong, funny,
direct… but she seemed OK with missing out on what she really wants
from a relationship and settling for something mediocre in her romantic
life. I left the date thinking I might better understand her on our next
date.
Date #2: "Shannon"

"Shannon" read my profile and reached out to me to begin a dialogue.
When we connected, she was upfront that she wasn't yet clear on her
limits, so if I was looking for sex today, I needed to move on. I told her I
wasn't clear either, and that coffee sounded good, hoping we could share
a bit of time to see how we both felt.
Shannon was interesting: 35, dirty blonde hair, smart, funny, full of
life, well-read and educated. She had made the decision to raise her two
kids as a stay-at-home-mom. She and her husband met in college, and
had been together since, but his attentiveness waned after the first couple
of years. I asked why she stayed. Her answer: "Because I love him."
I feel strangely comfortable, so I shared that I hadn't had an affair yet,

and that I'm new to the site and not clear on what to do… or when. She
empathized, remembering when she was new to Ashley Madison. She'd
had two affairs in the past, but they were strictly for sex, and it left her
feeling empty. "Sex is great, but I'm looking for some time together, too. Not
dating… but just something new. My husband is a great guy, but he talks to me like
I'm stupid half of the time. And I have kids, I don't want to leave." We talk more
and it's clear she wants to laugh, to live, to love. I wonder why she stays
with her husband.
At the end of our date, I keep things cool and she asks if we can get
together again. I tell her that I'd love to (knowing I can't/won't), and I ask
her to reach me back on Ashley Madison. She's sent me three messages
since… and I answered the last one telling her that I realized after we
parted that I couldn't cheat on my wife… just not how I'm made. She
responded, telling me she understood and wished me well.
152
Date #3: "Lisa"

I found "Lisa" by searching through the profiles. She was an attractive
brunette, 5'4", 39, 130lbs., two kids, residing in the Bay Area. After
reading her profile (something I've been told many men don't do with
online dating sites), I sent her an inbox message telling her that I really
liked her snarky attitude, her bold statements, and her general approach
to life (which I had read about in her writing). Her profile stated that she
wasn't sure what she wanted from being a member of Ashley Madison,
but she was clear that she wanted to chat with me. We took the chat off
the site to Yahoo! Messenger, and within seconds it was clear that she
wasn't after cybersex … she was trying to feel me out. No overtly
intrusive questions… just getting to know me a bit. We talked about
books, sex, great places to travel, music, sex, movies, sex. After about 40
minutes of banter, I went in for the kill: "Want to grab a bite to eat this
week?" I wrote, asking her to lunch. My convincer: "It's just lunch. :) 60
minutes. If there's no connection, no harm, no foul. And I know a great place in The
City. Come join me. ;)" I typed, dripping with confidence. She agreed.
We met the next day at Albona Restaurant in San Francisco's North

Beach restaurant district. It was crowded, but she recognized me instantly
from my profile picture, and I had already secured a table. We exchanged
pleasantries, ordered a mid-day cocktail (I think I needed one), and began
talking—me sprinkling in my interview questions throughout normal
conversation. Over the next hour I played the part of the guy who was
married, but just couldn't get into the humdrum of married life. I
needed… something. She quickly agreed with me and then spouted
answers as I took mental notes.
I asked her why, with all the choices available to her, she had answered
my email. Her answer: because of how I phrased things on my profile.
Aside from the raw passion I had exhibited, she said I showed
"thoughtfulness, intelligence, and a confidence" that came through in my
writing… and I didn't send her a picture of my penis. At 39 with two
young kids, she lamented that her marriage had grown cold, and her
husband complacent. Her relationship was good in many ways—
financially stable, secure, friendly—but it lacked… and she stopped. I
probed, "Passion?" and she almost leaped off her seat in agreement. She
longed for spontaneity, the freshness that accompanies new relationships,
and the effort that her husband had put in 10 years prior.
153
Midway through the meal, I started flirting with her. The challenge: I
couldn't get my wife out of my head. But as I continued, I found myself
returning to the guy I was years before: focused on seduction, listening
for clues to her wants and needs. We were now done with lunch, and I
turned my attention to how far I could take her. As it turns out, she was
the one who gave me the in by asking, "What do you find the most attractive
about me?" This question is a pick-up artist's dream for a number of
reasons. Firstly, it speaks to her not having been complimented often
enough, as she was fishing, apparently insecure and looking for validation.
Secondly, it shows that she wants to know where my head is at; what do I
see first when I look at a woman, and how does that relate to her? And
thirdly, it's an inviting question, in that she wouldn't have asked if she
wasn't interested in me. So, her simple question tipped the scales in my
favor.
"You have a great walk," I told her. She looked at me like I was crazy.
"No, really," I said. "You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks and her
body language as a whole. Is she looking at the ground, unconfident, or is she standing
tall, greeting the world? And, you have a swing when you walk," I added playfully.
She was taken aback—as I knew she would be. A clever man might talk
about a woman's intelligence being a turn-on, but most men don't usually
talk about confidence in this fashion. I moved the conversation from
confidence-building to sex, and she followed along, clearly digging where
I was guiding things. She was very interested in how I saw her, hungry for
the compliments and clearly longing for the passion I started putting out.
She reversed the question on herself and then told me what she liked
about me, and the conversation tumbled into her passionate thoughts,
how I was making her feel: relaxed, free, feminine. At this point, I was in
a dicey situation. I didn't want to sleep with her, but the challenge of
having her commit to giving herself over was intoxicating. So, I kept
pushing the limits and pouring it on, all the while hoping that my wife
would understand the true motivations for my actions.
Fifteen minutes later—an hour-and-a-half after we arrived at the

restaurant—I made The Ask: was she interested in heading down the
street to a nice hotel and experiencing what I have been describing? I told
her I haven't prepared for this, but connections like this are rare, and that
I'm having a hard time controlling myself. I didn't want to be so forward,
but… and I stopped talking, letting my look fall to the floor. This gave
her the illusion of being in control of the situation with a choice. A short
pause and a coy smile from her told me instantly that she is absolutely
hooked, and mine for the taking. She agreed to go to the hotel with a
whisper, and leaned across the table to kiss me to seal the deal. And… I
froze. My body language changed instantly, and I sat back from the table
and put my hand up to stop her advance.
154
"I can't."
"What?" she laughed.
"No, really. I can't do this."
"What are you talking about?" she asked, with genuine confusion. With a
sigh—and for the first time realizing that I didn't have an exit from this
situation—I explained: "I'm working on a research project on adultery. This is a
part of it. I'm sorry, but I can't cheat on my wife."
I paused and she stared at me in disbelief. I had effectively brought

her to the apex of her wanting, and now I was pulling the rug out from
under her.
"So, this was all bullshit?" she asked through her teeth, not wanting to
cause a scene in the restaurant. I sat motionless, unsure of what to do
when she made the decision for me. With a look that would level an army,
she seethed out, "Fuck you, Cameron," and threw what was left of her
martini at me. She turned and stormed out of the restaurant.
My heart went out to her. It wasn't her fault. I'd be a liar if I said I
wasn't tempted, but my wife, my honor, my word and my humanity are
not worth it, no matter how attractive she might have been. After patting
myself dry amidst slack-jawed looks from other diners, I left the
restaurant and headed home. I was emotionally spent.
The Fight
As I pulled into my little suburb-of-a-town, I arrived at a local coffee
shop down the street from my house, and I called my wife to see if she
would join me. She agreed, but when she arrived I knew something was
wrong. My thoughts were confirmed when I greeted her. With a smile on
my face and my arms out to embrace her, I was greeted with, "Don't even
touch me, I can smell you from here. You smell like liquor and whores."
Whoa! This was NOT what I planned on, and this isn't the way our
open and honest relationship normally runs. She sat away from me, her
arms folded in front of her, sipping her coffee and barely looking at me. I
told her the story of what happened: the restaurant, the lunch, the
flirting, the advance from Lisa, the cocktail. Her anger intensified.
"That's bullshit, Charles. No one throws a drink on someone for nothing. What
did you do? Just tell me. What did YOU DO?"
155
For much of the afternoon, she fought with me. Given what my
investigation was trying to uncover, and in light of my recent actions—
even though they were "allowed" actions based on what we had discussed
—I felt I had nothing to stand on. I tried to explain that I didn't do
anything, but she wasn't buying it. After three hours of not speaking to
me, it became clear what was really bothering her when she told me
emphatically: "You know, Charles, it's amazing. I don't care about your 'date'.
And for all I care, you could have slept with her. But tell me this: When was the last
time you took time out of your day and took me to lunch for no reason?"
A Revelation
Her statement to me was an eye-opener, and in polling 250+ women
in the days that followed, I reached an important understanding. When an
adulterous man is found out, there are many, many women that can get
past the sex act itself. But the real problem is where his effort has been
going. As his wife sits idle, being supportive, holding down her half of
the relationship, house, kids, etc., a cheating man will put boat loads of
effort into seducing the other woman: four-star restaurants and hotels,
gifts, laughter, spontaneity, passion, sex. From there, it's a sad realization
for his wife that translates to "I'm not worth the effort." This is a fatal blow
to her self-esteem and self-worth, and terminal to the relationship. My
wife and I got past it, but I had to relent to the fact that I hadn't done
those things for her recently… and it wasn't purposeful, it was a mirror
into my own accidental complacently (and I'm supposed to be an
expert!!!). It's not that I take her for granted. But in acting like a cheater, I
had fallen into my own trap. Accidentally? Perhaps, but does it matter?
Isn't the end result the same?
With all my experience and expertise, I keep learning.
Reflection
Contemplating all of my experiences with the women of Ashley
Madison—chat sessions and in-person dates—several things became
painfully clear. First, there isn't one "type" of woman looking to cheat
online. Some were looking to have sex, period. Others were looking to
subsidize their current relationship with a human connection… and if it
led to sex, even better. But all were clear that they were not leaving their
current relationship. These weren't monkeys getting a grip on the next
branch before letting go of the first. They just wanted to feel what they
used to feel from the man in their life.
The most common complaint was a lack of passion and effort by the
man in their current relationship. It makes sense. When a man begins
dating a woman, he puts in tons of effort; he woos her. Once she's "his,"
he stops putting in that effort, but she still longs for it. She wants to be
156
desired, seduced, and connected with on a regular basis. So many men

seem to be missing the boat. They start strong, having a decent sense of
how to capture a woman at the beginning, but upon entering a
relationship they are unprepared for the long haul and investment a
successful relationship demands past the dating phase. The situation
starts to reek of complacency and satisfaction in mediocrity.
Should the women of Ashley Madison leave their current

relationships before starting a new one? Yes… but the sad truth is that
these women weren't looking to start a new relationship. I got the distinct
impression that they were filling their needs outside their relationships
until such time that he noticed he was disconnected, it became
unbearable, or it ended on its own. And until then, they were willing to
settle for a half-marriage with a side of passion. I still feel that cheating is
the wrong thing to do… but this is the grey area I didn't see before.
To the men thinking of getting married: being married isn't like

dating. Marriage doesn't take "work" per se, but it does require concerted
effort and investment in each other, and in you. If you aren't into it, don't
do it, as you will be setting yourself up for failure—perhaps finding your
wife on Ashley Madison. Or worse, out with a guy like I used to be,
enjoying passion because you stopped bringing it.
Men in established relationships and marriage need to remember that

women are women first and foremost… and wives and mothers second. If a
man stops bringing passion and effort to his relationship and stops
treating her as a desired woman, he shouldn't be surprised when she feels
forced to fill her needs elsewhere.

Originally published on MSN.com for YourTango.com. Optioned for film.
To like or comment, visit http://bit.ly/why_women_cheat
157
158
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Charles J. Orlando is a author, speaker, online personality and

relationship expert best known as the writer of the acclaimed book The
Problem with Women... is Men: Volume 1 - The Evolution of a Man's Man to a
Man of Higher Consciousness, and is the sole voice behind the smash-hit
Facebook advice and relationship page: The Problem with Women... is
Men.
Charles is an active member of Mensa ("the High IQ Society"), is a

contributing writer to a variety of online and print publications, and is
regularly tapped by TV and radio shows for his relationship and marriage
expertise, including Self, Men’s Health, Shape, and The Reporter. Charles'
book The Problem with Women... is Men: Volume 1 - The Evolution of a Man's
Man to a Man of Higher Consciousness takes readers on a humorous, blunt,
tell-all romp through the world of men and their issues, with author
Jenna McCarthy being quoted as saying, "If husbands came with
handbooks, you'd want it to be this one!" Through his efforts, Charles
hopes to assist women in regaining their sanity and self-esteem, and
empower men in evolving beyond their primal instincts.
For more about Charles, please visit http://theproblemismen.com or

on Facebook at http://facebook.com/theproblemismen.
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introduction

“There are reasons Charles J. Orlando has over half-a-million fans on

Jenna McCarthy, author of If It Was Easy,

“Charles successfully demonstrates what may very well be the ultimate

Rohit Bhargava, best-selling author of

“Charles has revolutionized the way we talk about relationships in the

Lisa Steadman, best-selling author of

All rights reserved.

Published and Distributed by CreateSpace Publishing

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or

Printed in the United States of America

First Printing: December 2011

Facebook, its officers, employees, affiliates, subsidiaries or other entities endorse

The Problem With Women Is Men is a trademark of Charles Joseph Orlando.

More information can be found online at

Part One: Tips, Quips, and Witticisms 5

A huge thank you to my family who tirelessly offered their understanding

To everyone who got involved on Facebook and offered their thoughts,

An honest, heartfelt “Thank you!” to every person that came on to my

To D, J, D, and D: A wise man once said…

To Jack: I am your smirking revenge.

The Problem with Women… is Men – Volume 1: The Evolution of a Man’s

I continued to write, penning articles for various magazines and

To my amazement—and without any form of advertising or

The articles I’ve written as well as the statuses I’ve posted on

Following each post and/or article is a shortened URL to allow

From childhood, women are "taught"—via society, culture, or

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In response to some people that feel that there are ''special

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To All Mistresses: Being the Other Woman isn't a good situation.

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People are always asking me: ''How do I keep the spark in my

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To the men sending me constant hatemail: I love it. Not only am I

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So many men are homophobic... and it fascinates me how some sit

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So many men get it confused. If a woman has had a bad day, is

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Love and relationships should be about investing your time with