CONTENTS

Title Page
Copyright
Introduction
Chapter One - Kissing Is Serious Fun
Chapter Two - Mouth Maintenance and Grooming
Chapter Three - Kissing On the First Date
Chapter Four - Timing That Very First Kiss
Chapter Five - The Basic Romantic Kiss
Chapter Six - The French Kiss
Chapter Seven - Moving Beyond the Lips
Chapter Eight - Changing How Your Partner Kisses You
Chapter Nine - Mindful Kissing
 Kissing
The Best Tips, Techniques, and Advice

Taylor D'Aotino
 Copyright © 2014 Taylor D'Aotino
All rights reserved.
No part of this e-book may be replicated, redistributed or given away without the prior written consent
of the author/publisher.
The information in this book is distributed on an “as is” basis, without warranty. Although every precaution
has been taken in the preparation of this work, neither the author nor the publisher shall have any liability to
any person or entity with respect to any loss or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly
by the information contained in this book.
INTRODUCTION
EVERY PERSON you'll ever have a romantic encounter with in your life will kiss
differently from all the others, and will have individual likes and dislikes. That
being the case, there is no way for a book like this to provide one-size-fits-all
instructions on kissing, anymore than a cookbook author can guarantee that
every recipe will be a winner for every person who tries it out. But, fortunately,
for authors who write about cooking and kissing, people have many tastes in
common, and there are many flavors and kissing techniques that meet with wide
approval.
That's what this book is about. Not strict rules, but information about what
works for most people most of the time. Ultimately, there is no right or wrong
way to kiss. There is only what you and your partner enjoy. But on the path to
discovering your natural style, this book can save you time and frustration.
Enough creative energy has preceded your efforts to provide useful pointers
from those who have gone before. As human beings none of us is entirely
original. We all learn from what others have discovered, and add our own ideas
to the mix of possibilities.
Everyone who picks up this book is starting from a different place. Each person
brings with them their own history and level of experience. If you occasionally
come across advice that seems very basic to you, cast your memory back to your
greener days when you were less sure of what now seems obvious, and you'll
understand why that information is here. None of us are born knowing these
things. For those who haven't learned the basics, the earlier chapters of this book
are as good a place as any to get that information.
If you're beyond the beginner level, consider the possibility that a quick review
of the fundamentals may still be worth your time. Without giving away too
much of the plot it's worth noting that the number one complaint people have
about their kissing partner (whether experienced or not) can be found in Chapter
2, Mouth Maintenance And Grooming. Sometimes the basics do trip us up. We
all have an occasional tendency to get careless, and, as many a frustrated person
can tell you, even when a partner has a long romantic history, there's no
guarantee that they haven't gone all that distance without missing out on some
essential knowledge about our topic. This book attempts to fill in those gaps.
On the other hand, if you're a very experienced romantic and your confidence is
high, skip over those early chapters that don't apply to you. In later chapters,
you'll find ideas that even a well-practiced lover can use to take their kissing
game to a new level. In other words, this is a book for everybody who wants to
improve their kissing experience.
 CHAPTER ONE
Kissing Is Serious Fun

HOW SERIOUS SHOULD we take kissing? Well, just imagine a world without it.
Certainly there was never any chance that kissing would disappear, but in the
1960s and 1970s some aspects of romance, kissing being one of them, seemed to
take a back seat as we rushed head long into the sexual revolution. For a time,
what had been a cornerstone of a solid relationship was in danger of becoming
viewed as quaint and old fashioned while we searched for ever wilder and more
intense experiences. That attitude has been changing for a while now. Possibly
this is due in part to illnesses such as AIDS creating a pendulum swing in the
direction of slowing down and taking time to really get to know each other. It's
also possible that, having sowed our wild oats as a society, we're now
collectively looking for more meaning and depth in our relationships.
When it’s given the attention it deserves, kissing has the potential to be an
enormously positive experience in our lives, a shared source of pleasure, comfort
and intimate communication that can help fulfill a deeply human longing for
meaningful contact with another person. We’re so perfectly built for it that to
give kissing the bum’s rush seems an odd sort of self-denial, as if we’re not
committed to getting all we can from life.
To set the stage for the rest of the book, the remainder of this chapter points to
three aspects of kissing that make the case for it being far more than a pleasant
way to end a date:

Kissing is an entirely natural activity that goes way back in human history.
Kissing improves our health and overall well-being.
Kissing enhances the bond with our significant other.

Kissing Comes Naturally

It’s tempting to say that kissing is a universal experience, but that’s not quite
true. About 90 percent of the human population kisses, but there are a few
cultures in Africa, Asia and South America that don’t kiss at all and have no idea
what the fuss is about. Then there are cultures that kiss but in ways that may
seem foreign or strange to us. Polynesians, for instance, practice a kiss they call
the “mitakuku”, which involves biting hairs from their sweetheart’s eyebrows.
Trobriand Islanders do something similar but take it several steps further, biting
their partner’s lips, chin, nose, and cheeks, often drawing blood in the process,
before finally biting off the tips of their partner’s eyelashes.
Ask any child how Eskimos kiss and you'll be told that they rub noses. While
this charming form of physical contact may seem almost child-like in its
simplicity, the truth about what’s really going on is more sophisticated and
complex. When Eskimos kiss, they bring their noses close to one another and
breathe in their partner’s exhalation. In effect, what they’re doing is taking in a
heady combination of their partner’s scent and a spirit-like essence that they
sense in the breath of a person that they care about. Similar “breath” kisses are
practiced in many places around the world, including Samoa, Mongolia and
among the Maori people of New Zealand. Although Eskimos call their style of
kissing “kunik”, in Polynesia it’s known as the “honi”, and the point is to
exchange “ha”— the breath of life, and “mana”— the spiritual power within
people.
Back through the mists of time, many cultures have believed that an individual’s
soul was carried on the breath. Today most of us living in the West wouldn’t go
that far and, yet, when kissing someone we care about we may experience our
loved one in a way that seems both physical and beyond the physical. We may
have a feeling that, for fleeting moments at least, we’re able to access some
essential part of our partner’s core being that can’t be reached in any other way.
At such moments, kissing has the power to tear down our feelings of
separateness, and we may even lose our awareness of where one person begins
and the other ends.
How did this seemingly strange practice of pressing our lips to another's first
take hold? There are several theories floating about. One of the most popular
suggests that kissing first developed among our caveman ancestors. Long before
sterilized bottles of pureed peas and carrots were available, early mothers fed
their infants by thoroughly chewing up food, and then passing this nutritious
mush from their mouth to the mouth of their waiting infant. From this beginning,
so the theory goes, the pleasures of pressing lips together soon became obvious,
with or without the extra reward of food. It's not hard to see why such a theory is
popular: If buried in our collective memory is eons of mouth-to-mouth care-
giving, that would certainly help explain why kissing carries such an ability to
bond us to another person. But theories based in early culture may not fully
explain the profound pull that kissing has on us.
"Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated flees do it." is a lyric Cole Porter wrote
about falling in love, but he might as well have been talking about kissing. For
living creatures that have no culture, but a great deal of natural instinct, the
widespread popularity of kissing seems to suggest that it may be built into our
DNA. Of course, domesticated animals we know about. We've all had the
experience of being licked to within an inch of our lives by an affectionate dog
or purring cat, but the untamed have their own ways of showing affection to
others of their kind. Interestingly, our closest relative in the wild, the
chimpanzee, who shares about 98% of its genes in common with us, likes to kiss
in a way that's very similar to humans: lips-on-lips, as a display of friendship or
sexual interest. Primatologist Frans de Waal writes in his book "Our Inner Ape"
that chimps prefer closed-mouth kissing, but another ape-relative of ours, the
bonobo, engages in tongue kissing so similar to humans that it always catches
his students by surprise.
It isn't just our closest animal relatives who engage in some form of kissing,
though; the list of animals who enjoy nuzzling and cuddling is remarkably
varied. Among pipsqueak mice, the males show their interest by licking the
mouth of a female, while at the other end of the size spectrum, large, lumbering
elephants express affection by brushing their trunk against another elephant's
lips. Birds nestle beaks together, sea lions rub mouths, snails caress antennae,
and porcupines very carefully touch noses to avoid getting poked by the quills
that cover most of the rest of their body. Other examples of animals that kiss
include polar bears, turtles, kangaroos, horses, and fish. In fact, one type of fish
in the family of Grunts is nicknamed the "Kissing Fish" due to its habit of
locking lips with a willing partner and swimming around this way for hours in
the warm waters off Florida.
To kiss really is to answer the call of the wild, to hearken back to our most
natural instincts.
Kissing Can Improve Our Health
Is kissing actually good for you? You bet! In fact regular kissing can improve
your physical as well as mental well-being. Want to lose weight? According to
the British science magazine Focus kissing provides significant aerobic benefits.
As reported in the magazine, research found that "it is a fact that kissing is great
exercise. An energetic snog, involving plenty of tongue, exercises 39 facial
muscles and burns up 150 calories. That's about the same as walking up a hill
with a 40 pound rucksack." To drop those 150 calories all you need to do is kiss
for ten minutes with lips and tongue fully engaged. That's a better burn than 15
minutes of swimming would provide. Not bad.
Here’s a few other ways that kissing is reported to improve health:

Research has shown that a steady habit of "long and passionate" kissing can
lower blood pressure and cholesterol levels, reducing the risk of stroke.
Kissing boosts our immune system. Although it doesn't sound very
romantic, inevitably when we kiss we swap germs with our partner. The
body's reaction to this microscopic invasion is to crank up its internal
defense system. The production of antibodies increases which the immune
system can then use to fight off infection.
A study conducted by a German insurance company found that men who
kiss their wives before heading off to work actually have fewer car
accidents than less romantic types who leave in the morning without that
good-bye kiss. The same study also concluded that "morning kissers"
scored higher levels of happiness, missed fewer days of work due to illness,
and actually earned as much as a third more income.
Kissing even provides healthful benefits to our smile. How? The act of
kissing stimulates the flow of saliva in the mouth. This extra wash of saliva
around the teeth helps reduce plaque levels, the number one cause of tooth
decay and gum disease.
All this would be reason enough to make kissing a steady part of our diet,
but the impact on our mental state is also positive. You probably already
know that kissing makes you feel good, but what you may not realize is that
the happy glow you feel is based squarely in our biology. When we kiss, the
brain releases a variety of neurotransmitters, mood-enhancing chemicals
that boost our sense of happiness and well-being. As the pleasure centers of
the brain are lighting up, our stress levels are going down because this feel-
good chemistry counters the effects of hydrocortisone, a major stress
 hormone. This reduction in stress helps us relax and enjoy the moment, but
it also provides real health benefits by increasing our resistance to stress-
related illnesses.

In an unfair world where hot fudge sundaes taste far more enticing than the
better-for-us spinach, kissing is at least one sweet dessert that truly is good for
us.
Kissing Can Transform a Relationship
Kissing can be a bland and perfunctory task, or it can be a means to a deeper,
lasting connection with another person. Pressing our lips together provides a
moment when we’re able to communicate feelings that words alone can’t
express, or it can be a missed opportunity. According to one study, by the time
the average woman in the U.S. has decided on a mate she will have kissed
seventy-nine men. While that statistic seems to suggest a lot of happy lip-locking
is going on, it may reflect, at least partly, something else: a frustrated search for
a pair of male lips that are as willing and enthusiastic as her own. In Shere Hite’s
famous book on sexuality, The Hite Report, she revealed that many women she
interviewed found kissing to be more pleasurable than any other sexual activity,
yet these same women often expressed frustration with the lack of kissing in
their love lives. In a separate study on the same topic, 60 percent of the women
surveyed felt kissing was more important than sex. The number of men who felt
the same way? Only 24 percent.
Of course, this seems to support a familiar stereotype: Men tend to focus on sex,
while women desire an emotional connection above all. Women value a man
who takes his time and wants to build a relationship, a man who wants to make
love and not just round the bases as quickly as possible. If you’re a man who’s
among that 24 percent this is good news for you. In the competitive world of
partnering up, most men are clueless about how much value women place on
kissing.
On the other hand, if you're a man who up to now has rushed through kissing on
the way to other things, consider this: The results of another study showed that
men who knew what they were doing when it came to kissing were considered
good lovers by their partner.
In fact, though they may not always agree on how much kissing there should be
in a relationship, both men and women place a high value on a partner who
kisses well. In a recent survey of 2,000 men and women, 90 percent said that
they would not date someone who was a bad kisser. In the same survey, 8 out of
10 people believed they could predict what a long-term relationship would be
like based on that first kiss.
If kissing is important at the start of a romance, it turns out that it’s no less
important for couples who are in a long-established relationship. Through time,
kissing can help maintain feelings of connection and closeness. Unfortunately,
couples who’ve been together for years sometimes kiss less often as the
relationship settles into a daily routine and commitments to work and children
mount up. Those little romantic moments and gestures that felt so important
when the relationship was new may begin to feel like luxuries that can be
skipped in order to get the more pressing needs of the day met. Sadly, this can
put a relationship at risk.
Gordon Gallup, a psychologist and researcher at the University of New York,
explains it this way: “In an established relationship the frequency of kissing is a
good barometer as to its status. If it’s no longer featured prominently or is
entirely absent, there’s a much higher probability that the relationship is in
trouble.” Or as author Jill Blakeway recently pointed out in an interview with the
Huffington Post: “When kissing falls by the wayside, it’s the first step to losing
passion in a relationship. Kissing attaches people to each other.”
If you find yourself in a relationship that seems to have drifted into an emotional
rut with little or no kissing going on between you, there is good news: It can be
easier to get a positive romantic vibe going again than many people realize.
Although partners often have the idea that they must be swept along on a wave
of intense feeling before a meaningful kiss can take place, in fact, in successful
long-term relationships action often proceeds feeling. Kissing, along with other
forms of romantic touch such as hugging, holding hands, cuddling, and
caressing, do more than provide a way to express our feelings for our partner —
they help create those feelings. Human touch makes us feel loved and
connected.
In her book, “The Ten Second Kiss,” relationship expert Ellen Kreidman
discusses the value of acting as if the connection you want with your partner
already exists. During an exercise in her seminars, Kreidman encourages couples
to kiss for 10 seconds. At first, many people are reluctant, but as the exercise
proceeds the mood in the room soon changes. Writes Kreidman: “They may feel
distant, annoyed, embarrassed, humiliated, or uncomfortable before the kiss. But
when they do it anyway, the result of their action is a feeling of connection,
warmth, safety, tenderness, and even passion.” Kreidman recommends that
couples make a commitment to engage in at least one ten second kiss every day;
at first, even using a timer to make sure they’re not shortchanging themselves.
This simple act does indeed have the power to transform a relationship. As
Kreidman sagely points out, “You can create love every day by acting in a loving
way and not worrying about whether you are feeling loving.”
 CHAPTER TWO
Mouth Maintenance and Grooming

BEFORE YOU EVEN plant your lips on another person make sure that you're not
setting yourself up for failure. Here's an example of what I mean: When it
comes to kissing can you guess what the number one turn off is? Hint: It has
nothing to do with kissing technique or mismatched personalities. In survey
after survey, men and women give the same answer. Bad breath ruins more
kisses than anything else. In one survey, 69 percent of both sexes rated this as
the biggest mood killer when making out.
Other turn-offs to watch out for include teeth that are stained or have food stuck
in them, and lips that are chapped and flaky. While basic mouth maintenance
issues may seem a little too basic to dwell on, the reality is that the best lover in
the world is likely to crash and burn if kissing them is a bit, well, gross.
The very fact that the same basic complaints keep showing up in surveys means
that there are plenty of people out there whose romantic ambitions are being
tripped up by the simplest of things. Without realizing it, they may be creating
the wrong sort of memorable experience for their partner.
If you want the person you're kissing to give their lips to you with abandon
remember that locking lips with you has got to be a pleasant experience before it
can become a hot one. Fresh, clean breath and lips that are healthy and soft
invite long, lingering kisses. A little pre-kiss prep work can make all the
difference. Below are some tips for dealing with the most common mouth
maintenance and grooming issues
Bad Breath
Most bad breath — about 90 percent — is the result of bacteria lurking in the
crevices of the tongue, where they have nothing better to do than release
noxious, bad-smelling gases. Everybody has some bacteria in their mouth, but
keeping it in check is key to having sweeter tasting kisses. The best way to do
this? First, brush and floss your teeth regularly. After eating, food particles left
in your mouth become a meal for bacteria. Starve them by keeping your mouth
clean. Second, make sure you drink plenty of water. Saliva helps limit bacteria
growth, and the best way to keep producing a healthy supply of saliva is to stay
hydrated. By the way, when we sleep our saliva production slows way down —
so much so, that on average we swallow only about twenty times a night,
compared to swallowing about two thousand times during our waking hours. It's
this lack of saliva while sleeping and the resulting growth of bacteria that causes
the dreaded morning breath. So next time you wake up with a less than fresh
taste in your mouth, start the day by re-hydrating yourself with a glass of
H2O.
Another source of bad breath is our diet. Garlic and onions are star ingredients
in a lot of wonderful cuisine, but kissing a partner whose breath is ripe with their
odor is a little like devouring a bad meal. Hardly the stuff of romance. If you
wake up knowing a kiss may be coming later, it's not a bad idea to swear off
certain foods for that day. Foods that have a high sulfur content can do a nasty
number on your breath for up to twenty-four hours after they're eaten. Besides
garlic and onions, other foods that can make your kisses taste bad to a partner
include strong coffee, red meat, brussels sprouts, cabbage, and broccoli. Of
course, one time-honored way around this problem is for partners to indulge in
the same offending food. Dining out at your favorite Italian restaurant? No need
to turn your nose up at the to-die-for fettuccine alfredo that's laced with garlic.
Just order a second helping for your sweetheart. When you both indulge, it has a
way of putting you in sync with one another's scent, preparing each other's
olfactory senses for the close contact afterwards.
One indulgence I can't recommend sharing with a partner is smoking. It's
common for habitual smokers to underestimate how strongly that stale-cigarette
smell clings to their clothes, their hair, and, particularly, their breath. Cigarette
manufacturers have spent millions of dollars over the years to market smoking as
sexy and sophisticated, but recently as more and more bad news about smoking
comes to public awareness that false glamour has shriveled. And even in the
cigarette manufacturers' glory days, it's a habit that never left a good taste in
anyone's mouth. It has long been a cliché for non-smokers to claim that kissing
a smoker is like kissing an ashtray and, in terms of the after-taste that remains
long after a smoker has stubbed out their cigarette, that's not far from the truth.
In a survey conducted by the NHS Smoking Helpline, 57 percent of the 2,274
people questioned said they disliked kissing someone who smoked, compared to
just 6 percent who enjoyed the experience. To add insult to injury, the
constriction of blood flow that is one of smoking's side effects can do a real
number on a man's long-term ability to function sexually. If you’re a smoker it's
a habit worth kicking for the sake of your love life, as well as your health.
Finally, if you're out on a date and you suspect your breath isn't all it could be,
the go-to emergency solution is usually something to mask the bad smell with a
better smell. Mints are the obvious choice.
Chapped Lips
Besides a mouth that has a pleasant smell and taste, you also want lips that are
both visually appealing and feel good to make contact with. Soft, smooth,
healthy-looking lips entice a romantic partner to draw near, while lips that are
dry, cracked, rough, and flaking — in other words, chapped — do not. There are
several ways that lips can lose moisture and become chapped, but the summer
sun and winter weather are often to blame.
Like the skin on the rest of our body, the lips can dry out and become damaged if
left unprotected and exposed to the sun for any length of time. A lip balm that
comes with built-in sunscreen (15 SPF or greater) not only helps shield your lips
from the sun's rays but also moisturizes the skin at the same time.
In winter, our lips face a double-threat from strong winds and dry air. If you're
prone to developing chapped lips when the weather turns cold take preventive
measures by using petroleum jelly or lip balm on your lips before they dry out.
A good time to do this is at night. Before bedtime, massage the lip moisturizer
of your choice into your lips and leave it on through the night. To combat the
effects of the dry, artificially heated air in your home, you might also want to
consider running a humidifier during the winter months.
By the way, which lip balm you select matters. Balms containing camphor and
menthol act as counter-irritants that are intended to help heal cold sores, but they
make chapped lips worse by further drying out the skin. Instead use products
such as Vaseline Lip Therapy® , Clarins Moisture Replenishing Lip Balm® ,
Burt's Beeswax Lip Balm® or something similar to replenish moisture and
provide a protective barrier from the harsh elements. Flavored lip balms can be
fun while kissing, but as a treatment for chapped lips they should be avoided if
you tend to lick your lips more often after they're applied. Although it's a
common mistake, running your tongue over chapped lips to wet them is actually
counterproductive. It not only removes any balm you've applied but also strips
away the skin's own protective oils, ultimately making the dryness worse.
Besides the change in seasons, other possible causes for chapped lips include
dehydration, vitamin deficiencies and allergies. Drinking plenty of water and
eating a healthy diet can improve your overall health, including your lips. You
may also want to try taking a break from your current brand of lipstick and see if
that clears up a persistent problem. The chemicals in some popular brands of
lipstick have been known to cause allergic reactions in sensitive people.
If none of this takes care of your chapped lips, it's a good idea to check with your
dermatologist or general health care provider — dry lips that don't heal may be a
sign of a more serious health problem.
Lipstick
Why are red lips sexy? As with so much related to the physiology of human
desire, it's all about blood flow. When we're in a relaxed state, the average heart
beats about 72 times a minute. If we become aroused, however, the beats per
minute race up to around 95. When people experience this increased circulation
of blood and hormones more than their sex organs are affected. The lips become
engorged with blood, softening and swelling — nature's way of encouraging
more kisses. And in case this subtle invitation is missed, the lips also turn a
deeper red. Whether they realize it or not, when women apply bright red lipstick
they're really mimicking the appearance of this sexually excited state. Is it any
wonder that many men find the look a turn on?
If all this sounds like an excellent reason to wear lipstick, there's a catch. While
men do find the look of red lips exciting, they don't necessarily feel the same
way about kissing lips that are smeared with a layer of lipstick. Statistics vary
from survey to survey, but indicate that at least 1/3 of men prefer lips that are
natural and unadorned. They want the feel of skin-on-skin without anything
coming between, and they like the natural taste of a woman's mouth (lipstick can
sometimes have an off taste for men). Most men also don't want to end up
wearing a woman's make-up all over their face and shirt.
So should a woman go with or without lipstick on a date? That depends entirely
on what you and your partner prefer (assuming he gets a vote). Of course, early
on you may not know what your partner prefers. When that's the case, there are
several possible strategies you can use to deal with this grooming dilemma.
First and easiest, you could forgo lipstick altogether. In fact, many men do
prefer the no-lipstick look, and find its earthy naturalness sexy. Interestingly,
behavioral scientists have discovered that women sometimes employ a simple,
unlipsticked method for giving their lips a fuller, rosier, turned-on look: When
they anticipate a kiss, women often press their lips together or use their teeth to
stimulate the lips through very gentle biting — this action increases blood flow
to the area, giving their lips that flushed-red, invitingly plump appearance.
When women do decide to use lipstick, the advice is sometimes given to paint
your lips to attract your partner, then go without lipstick when it's time to kiss.
Sounds very reasonable, but what about all those times when attracting your
partner and kissing your partner happen with very little time in-between? For
example, you plan a dinner out at a nice restaurant, both of you dressed to kill,
and you elegantly made up. And before you even leave the house your partner
takes you in his arms and kisses you — clearly, unless you want to ask him to
wait as you wipe your lipstick off, another strategy is called for.
The obvious answer is to use some lipstick but not much. To do this, try
applying the lipstick then blotting off any excess, leaving behind just enough to
give your lips an attractive, rosy tint. Also, try experimenting with "kiss-proof"
lipsticks — the kind usually advertised as smudge-free, long-lasting, and
nontransferable. Avoid adding a top coat or gloss over your lipstick, which gets
you back to gooey, messy kisses.
Facial Hair
For men, whether or not to grow facial hair is not unlike the grooming choice
faced by women when it comes to wearing lipstick. A beard (especially the
trendy stubbled look) is often used by guys to emphasize their maleness and
catch the interest of the opposite sex, just as lipstick draws attention to a
woman's fuller, feminine lips. But, as with lipstick, facial hair can sometimes
spoil a good kiss. Though some women (about 1/3 in one survey) find kissing a
man with stubble sexy, most women do not. In fact, another survey found that
twice as many women would rather kiss a clean-shaven man. The biggest
reason? Comfort. Kissing a guy with stubble on his cheeks and chin can be like
brushing up against sandpaper. Those pokey little hairs can create microscopic
cuts in his partner's skin. Stubble burn, as it's commonly called, leaves the skin
painfully tender and looking sunburned.
So what should you do if you're a man who is fond of his facial hair? As
mentioned in the advice about lipstick, you could stay stubbled during the nice-
to-meet-you phase and do a quick shave when it's time to kiss — but that's not
always going to be practical or convenient. Your safest bet when dating
someone new is to go without whiskers, especially if we're talking about a few
days' growth that can be quickly replaced later on. Even if you were to ask a
new partner if she has a preference, early in the relationship she may shy away
from honestly telling you that your kisses are a prickly, uncomfortable
experience.
If you're reluctant to shave off your stubble, the next best option is usually to let
your beard grow out some more. For men with a full beard the news is
somewhat better: Although it's possible to give someone a beard burn, longer
hair bends so it's generally far less scratchy to get close to. (By the way,
mustache wearers can usually breathe easy about their hirsute choice — though
fur above the lip may occasionally tickle it isn't generally painful for a partner to
get close to.)
If you've got a beard that you want to keep, you can reduce the possibility of
making your partner squirm with discomfort by following a few basic grooming
tips that will leave your facial hair softer and, therefore, less abrasive. Many
men don't realize that the combination of hard water and regular bar soap can
leave a residue that builds up in layers on their beard, making the hairs wiry and
stiff. To remove this residue, when you wash the hair on the top of your head
also wash your beard, using shampoo. Afterwards, soften your beard by using
the same hair conditioner that you use on your scalp. While this simple
procedure may be enough to allow your partner to kiss you without any
discomfort, she can further reduce the possibility of getting a beard burn by
keeping her skin well moisturized, as dry skin is more likely to become
irritated.
 CHAPTER THREE
Kissing On the First Date

OKAY . YOU 'VE MET someone, you've asked them out, and you've just shared a
dinner, movie, concert or some combination of similar activities that added up to
your first few hours in each other's company. Now that first date is winding
down and you're wondering… should we kiss? It's a good question because
timing matters when it comes to kissing, especially when it's the first kiss. All
the technique and skill in the world won't save a kiss that's planted on the lips of
someone who either wasn't ready at that moment or isn't interested in being
kissed at all.
In the somewhat cynical, seen-it-all era that we live in, whether or not to kiss on
the first date may seem like a fairly mundane question to focus on, but it's not.
In fact, few questions related to dating get asked about and discussed more
often. A Google search will reveal how up for debate this topic is, and you can
join any one of dozens of online conversations hashing out the pros and cons of
each opinion.
The reason for all this chatter is simple. That first kiss changes things. Up until
that point a couple who's interested in each other can still consider themselves
"just friends" — but a kiss ratchets things up a bit. You may not be a serious
couple quite yet, but you're also not just casual pals. With one kiss — that first
kiss — you acknowledge a deeper level of interest. It may be romance, it may
be commitment or it may just be arousal that you're interested in, but you've
demonstrated that you've definitely got more on your mind than just hanging out.
The other reason that the timing of that first kiss inspires so much debate is that
the rules for dating are no longer so clearly defined. Things used to be a lot less
complicated. In our grandparents' day (or, depending on how young you are,
great-grandparents'), the answer to "Should we kiss on the first date?" was an
emphatic "Of course not!" Couples waited, and those that didn't were labeled
"loose" or "easy." Back then, most couples held off kissing until a magic
number of dates was reached (three dates being a popular rule of thumb at one
point). But things have changed. Today, most people are no longer guided by
social pressure or some external moral code, but by their own feelings and
values. While there's a lot to be said for that change, it also means that there's no
clear consensus anymore about what's appropriate and acceptable, and that can
make navigating the dating process a bit bumpier.
Some people will read this and think, What's the big deal? It's only a kiss. But
there are other people who regard kissing as the most intimate physical act they
share with another person, even more intimate than sexual intercourse. When
those two types end up dating each other timing that first kiss so they both enjoy
it can become tricky.
If you ask a dozen of your friends their opinion about kissing you're likely to get
a dozen very different answers, but when it comes to whether or not to kiss on
the first date every opinion can be put into one of three categories:
1) Always
2) Sometimes
3) Never
While it's impossible to come up with an answer that's right for every person in
every situation, looking at each of these categories can at least provide some
useful guidelines.
Option 1: Always Kiss on the First Date
People in this category expect a kiss on the first date. They practically demand
it. If there's not a kiss, they sometimes decide that there won't be a second date
because of it. In my opinion, this is the only one of the three options that's an
absolute dud, a non-starter. In this case, it's not the kiss on the first date that's
the problem — it's the insistence on it. It should go without saying that anybody,
male or female, always has the right to decide that they don't want to kiss
someone. But people in this category believe that they're owed that kiss
regardless of how the first date went, and regardless of the feelings of their
partner. It's an attitude that turns kissing into a sort of transaction: Payment on
demand for their willingness to go out with you and/or spend money during the
date. This level of immaturity should send up a red flag — their focus is
themselves, not you. When someone insists on getting physical even when their
partner is reluctant, it's reasonable to assume that their main interest is sex, not a
relationship. If their partner does decide to give in and let them have that kiss,
it's unlikely that the "me first, you-owe-me" attitude will end there.
Fortunately, most people opt for (2) or (3). Either is a reasonable approach when
timing that first kiss, and so it really comes down to personal preference.
Option 2: Sometimes Kiss on the First Date
Many people like to keep a loose, wait-and-see attitude. Especially if this is
someone they don't know well prior to the first date, they prefer to see how
things go before deciding about a kiss. Is there a connection? Is there
chemistry? If the date goes well and they feel good about their partner, then to
them kissing feels like a natural way to end the evening.
This "go with the flow" approach works well, as long as you're willing to accept
that the person you're with may not be ready to kiss as soon as you are. If you
want to kiss your partner, but they're sending signals that indicate that this isn't
the night, the wise move may be to wait for another time. On the other hand, if
they give what seems like positive signals, such as lingering at the end of the
date and moving in closer, then the time might be right for that kiss. To up the
odds that you're reading your partner's signals correctly it helps to know some
body language basics — something we'll cover in the next chapter.
Option 3: Never Kiss on the First Date
Some people prefer never to kiss on the first date. If this seems old-fashioned,
there are some good practical reasons they may feel this way that have nothing
to do with moral prudishness. Listed below are several of the reasons that people
sometimes prefer not to kiss on the first date (or the second or third, for that
matter).

They may prefer to wait until they know their partner better. This is the
most common reason people don't kiss on the first date. For them, it feels
odd kissing someone they really just met.
They may feel nervous or shy. Especially if inexperienced or insecure, they
may need time to get comfortable with another person before engaging in
such a close, intimate act.
 They may prefer to hold off because they want to make it clear that they're
looking for a relationship, not a fling. By holding back they may be testing
their partner's motives as well, weeding out people who are only looking for
a good time with no strings attached.
They may like you very much. As counter-intuitive as it seems, sometimes
a person chooses not to kiss right away because they see real long-term
potential in the person they're with. They may actually be more inclined to
kiss someone casually when they're less interested in them as a partner.
They may be cautious because they want to avoid illnesses that can be
passed mouth-to-mouth. While kissing is generally a safe, healthy activity
that has been shown to enhance well-being that doesn't mean that it's
entirely risk free. Mononucleosis (the "Kissing Disease") , Oral Herpes
(Cold Sores), and Meningococcal Meningitis (also called Spinal
Meningitis) can all be passed on by kissing an infected person.

Fortunately, most of us go through our romantic lives without getting any of

these illnesses, but they are nonetheless out there and something to be aware of.
To reduce the risk, some people make the choice not to kiss unless they know
their partner well. It's beyond the scope of this book to provide medical advice,
but there are many good sources of information, including websites for the Mayo
Clinic [www.mayoclinic.com], and the Center for Disease Control
[www.CDC.gov].
As this list makes clear, a person who doesn't wish to kiss on the first date isn't
necessarily rejecting you or the possibility of kissing later on. If you're a guy,
unless you're sure that she has no desire to see you again, asking her for a second
date is the best way of determining her level of interest.
 CHAPTER FOUR
Timing That Very First Kiss

FLIRTING IS A way of signaling interest in a potential romantic partner without

risking embarrassment or rejection. Tell someone you’ve just met that you find
them attractive and want to spend time with them, and you could be putting
yourself (and them) in an uncomfortable position if they don’t feel the same way.
On the other hand, if you show your interest indirectly and are subtle and playful
about it, you have a chance to “test the waters” and gauge their interest by how
they respond. If they’re not interested, the seemingly flirtatious behaviors that
you engaged in — things like making eye contact, smiling a lot, casual touching,
teasing and banter — are easy to pass off as just being friendly. As far as anyone
knows you weren’t really interested in him or her “in that way” anyways. But if
the object of your desire responds with flirty behavior of their own, you can
continue the little dance of gestures, voice inflections and playful innuendos that
make up the universal, often unspoken language of flirting and see where things
go. (And when I say “universal” I mean it — because flirting provides a low-risk
way of connecting with potential romantic partners, in one form or another it has
been practiced in societies around the world for as far back as anyone knows.)
What does this have to do with knowing when to go in for that first kiss? The
behaviors that we use to get to a first date don’t end there. We continue to flirt,
because it’s fun and because it’s useful. Most of the time, a new partner isn’t
going to come out and tell you that they want you to kiss them, but they may
provide indirect clues if you’re paying attention and know what to look for.
Since so much of what goes on between two people on a date happens non-
verbally, the ability to accurately read body language can be viewed as a tool to
help us smoothly navigate the sometimes choppy and uncertain waters of
romance.
(By the way, a majority of men and women prefer that at least some traditional
role-playing takes place when it comes to romance. That usually means the guy
does the asking out, initiates the first kiss, and, eventually, if things go very well,
does the proposing. To keep things simple, in this chapter I'll assume it's the
male who'll be making the first move, but that doesn't mean that a girl who
bucks tradition and surprises her shy boyfriend with a first kiss won't find him
very happy to receive it. While some guys might get turned off or feel threatened
by a female taking charge at that moment, most guys are delighted when a girl
initiates any sort of physical affection.)
Reading Your Partner's Body Language
Before we get into the signals themselves it's important to mention one or two
things. First, despite what some books on body language claim, it's not really
possible to read a person like a book, especially somebody you don't know well.
People are too complicated for this to be an exact science and signals can have
several meanings. For example, if someone crosses their arms over their chest it
could indicate that they feel threatened and wish to create a barrier between
themselves and another person; but it could also simply mean that they feel
chilled and are trying to retain body heat. In this example as in most others,
context can help you interpret the meaning of the gesture. Is the room cold? Or
has the conversation turned to a topic that could make the person feel defensive
or hostile?
In a dating situation, a woman may fidget with her hair because she wants to
draw your attention, but it could also indicate that she's feeling nervous or bored.
Your odds of reading the situation correctly increase if you happen to notice
what people who study this sort of thing call "clusters of behavior" — that is, if
she displays several behaviors that seem to support the same interpretation. For
example, if she's fidgeting with her hair, and making a lot of eye contact, and
smiling at you often, well, chances are real good that she's not bored with your
company.
Finally, although an ability to read other people's nonverbal signals is helpful in
many areas of life, this introduction to the topic is narrowly focused on one life
experience only — judging when the time is right to give her that first kiss. Once
kissing is established as something a couple does in their relationship it's much
easier to feel confident that your kiss will be happily received. It's that first one,
and trying to figure out what your partner is thinking and feeling that creates
hesitation and doubt for so many guys. For any guy who wants to up the odds
that the moment is right and his date wants that kiss as much as he does, the
signals he'll most want to watch for are these:
 She adjusts her body position
She touches you
She changes the conversation
She shifts her gaze
She delays leaving
She draws your attention

She Adjusts Her Body Position

Not surprisingly, when reading a person's outside to determine what's going on
inside, how they position their body provides numerous hints. When a person
feels tense or disinterested they may have a closed off posture, folding their arms
over their chest or tightly crossing their legs; they may also lean back or angle
their body away from the person they're with, almost as if they're preparing to
flee at the first opportunity. But if things are going well on a date, your partner's
posture will probably look very different: open, relaxed, with arms uncrossed,
her body turned toward you with feet, knees, arms or head pointed in your
direction, indicating interest or attraction.
If she wants to be kissed, a woman may find a reason to move closer to you; for
instance, straitening your collar or saying something that she doesn't want others
to overhear. If she's already nearby, she may lean in, making it easier for the
intimate contact of a touch or a kiss to occur. While near you, she may also tilt
her head — something both humans and animals do when they register curiosity
or interest — but this has the added advantage of putting her in a very good
position to kiss, since people also tilt their heads while kissing to get the noses
out of the way.
She Touches You
She touches you casually during the date. It may appear as if she's hardly aware
she's doing it, "accidentally" brushing against you, lightly touching your hand
while talking. But that touch is almost never accidental. She's signaling that she
likes you. If she wasn't attracted to you, it's unlikely she'd be introducing
physical contact. Women are often first to break the touch barrier, because it's
less apt to be seen as a move that could have ulterior motives.
She Changes The Conversation
Of course, the most obvious signal she can give you is to simply whisper in your
ear, either playfully or seductively, something like "Let's kiss." Most of the time
that's not going to happen, especially when it's a first kiss, but she may use a less
direct approach by turning the conversation to romance. She may tell you how
much she likes to kiss, or talk about a friend of hers who recently kissed for the
first time. If you're watching a movie together and the onscreen couple kisses,
she may say something about how romantic or sexy that is.
Even less direct than a change in topic is a change in tone. If you've engaged in
playful banter or friendly teasing during the date, she may try to ratchet things
up to an even more cheeky level in an attempt to get a reaction out of you.
Keeping things light and playful has a way of making that first kiss seem less
intimidating, and engaging in the give-and-take of good-natured verbal jousting
can help form a bond that makes a kiss feel like a natural next step.
The other way a conversation can shift in tone is to get quieter, with a light mood
becoming more serious and intimate. She may soften her voice, as if excluding
the rest of the world from what she intends to say only to you. This practically
forces the guy to lean in to hear what she's saying. The tempo of the
conversation may also slow down, and there may be times when the
conversation stops altogether, creating a space in which a kiss can take place.
She Shifts Her Gaze
During a date, how much eye contact she makes with you can indicate her level
of interest. Looking deeply into someone's eyes is one of the most intimate
things we can do without actually touching. Of course, we look at each other all
the time when we talk, but in normal conversation we mix this up with little
mini-breaks, glancing off as we gather our thoughts or take in the world around
us. But when we're intensely interested in what is being said or attracted to the
person saying it, we tend to fix our gaze on them for longer periods of time.
If you're at a point in the date where a kiss seems like a possibility and you're
trying to gauge how receptive she'll be, her eyes may provide a tell-tale clue. If
she's thinking about how nice a kiss from you would be, she may briefly glance
at your lips. This may be done consciously, to let you know that a kiss would be
all right with her, or subconsciously, with her gaze moving spontaneously to
your mouth as she thinks about what it would be like to have your lips on hers.
When she looks back into your eyes, if she adds an inviting smile, even better.
She Delays Leaving
At the end of the date she's in no hurry to leave. When the conversation has
wound down and it seems time to separate, instead of sliding out of your car or
going immediately inside her house, she lingers, maybe fiddling with her keys
or finding other ways to stall. It may feel awkward because neither of you is
really talking, but she may be hoping that you'll use this quiet moment to lean in
and kiss her.
She Draws Your Attention
When a girl flirts with a date she finds attractive, she may employ little gestures
that subtly encourage him to notice her physical attributes. Small, seemingly
casual activities such as handling a necklace or earring, adjusting clothes, or
brushing back hair may be used to draw his eye to her face, neck or figure. She
may do this playfully with a full awareness of what she's doing, or it may be
done without any conscious awareness. For both women and men in a romantic
situation, flirting comes so naturally that we can sometimes fall into it without
effort or forethought.
If a girl is thinking about how nice it would be to kiss you, there are a number of
ways she may try to focus your attention on her mouth: running her fingers
across her lips, licking her lips or even biting the bottom lip lightly. Again, this
may be an intentional signal, or it may be a natural, spontaneous reaction to
imagining what the kiss would be like. Wetting her lips with her tongue has the
added advantage of making the skin more soft, pliable and moist, and the
stimulation can bring blood to the area, making the lips plump fuller and turn a
deeper, blushing red, resulting in an even more alluring target for you to press
your lips to.
Another type of signal to watch for is any pre-kiss prep work that indicates she
may be getting her mouth ready to be in close contact with yours. Applying lip
balm, or popping breath mints or gum (and offering you some as well), may be a
sign that she's anticipating a kiss and wants to head off any mouth maintenance
issues that could spoil the moment.
Sending Her Signals When You Want to Kiss
If the signals your partner sends to you are helpful in understanding what she's
thinking (but not saying), the signals you send to her can be just as helpful when
it comes to letting her know your intentions. For couples who’ve reached the
stage where kissing is a regular thing, the rules relax and a surprise kiss can be
fun and exciting, but a first kiss is different. Startling your date by suddenly
planting a kiss on her that she didn’t see coming is almost guaranteed to be
awkward, but if you find subtle ways to lead up to that moment she won’t be
caught unprepared and she’ll be more apt to kiss you back.
Signaling Throughout The Date
You can begin sending out signals early in the date by simply making a real
connection with your partner. If you genuinely like her and enjoy her company
this should come easily. Be open and friendly, teasing and playful, interested in
what she has to say and fully engaged in whatever activities you build the date
around. You don’t have to become best friends by the end of the date, but she
should feel comfortable around you and confident that she can trust you. Since
kissing is just another form of communication, the more you connect with her in
these small ways throughout the date, the more that kiss is going to feel like a
natural extension of everything that came before it.
Breaking the touch barrier is easier for girls because their motives aren’t as
likely to be questioned. Usually, the safest way for a guy to be the first one to
touch is to take his date’s hand in his. Holding hands is simple, it’s romantic, and
it helps break the ice so that later on the more intimate touch of a kiss feels like a
simple step forward rather than a dramatic leap.
Signaling Just Before the Kiss
As mentioned above, signaling provides a way to smoothly transition into a first
kiss. Although guys usually send out one or more telltale signals when they're
about to kiss their partner, they may not even realize that they’re doing it. With
experience it usually comes naturally and without much need to think about it.
If you’re new to romantic kissing, however, it can be helpful to review a few
common cues as a sort of beginner’s guide. Think of this as a “cheat sheet” to
help you feel your way through the first few times. Unless you’re skipping
through parts of the book these signals will be familiar to you because they’re
also a few of the signals girls use to let a guy know they’d be okay with
receiving a kiss. They include:

Getting quieter. This means the guy speaks softer and slower, with the voice
deepening. The sort of intimate tone that blocks out the rest of the world
and leaves you feeling as if there’s just the two of you in this moment. This
 often happens naturally at the end of a date as the conversation winds down
and the couple prepares to say good-night. Ultimately, the conversation
stops altogether as you create a space in which the kiss can take place.
Shifting gaze. During the conversation that’s leading up to the kiss, the guy
casually glances down to his partner’s lips, then brings his gaze back up to
her eyes. Our gaze tends to go to where our thoughts are, so this momentary
shift in focus let’s her know what you’re thinking about. When you lean in
to kiss her look at her mouth again, this time to help guide yourself in for
the kiss and also to avoid staring eyeball-to-eyeball as you narrow the
distance. As your lips come together let your eyes close.
Moving closer. When the moment has arrived, the guy leans in slowly;
when he’s partway to her he pauses very briefly before leaning in the rest of
the way to kiss her. This momentary pause gives her a chance to realize
what’s happening so that she can adjust her position and get ready for the
kiss. Pausing also gives you a chance to gauge her reaction. Does she
become quiet, gaze down at your mouth, tilt her head to the side, or lean
forward to meet you? All positive signs that she wants the kiss to happen.
Keep in mind that these signals are not items on some inflexible list that
must be checked off one-by-one before you kiss someone. How you signal
a partner of your desire to kiss will probably vary from situation to
situation, and you may discover other ways of signaling that suit your
personal style better. There’s no set pattern or exact formula that works for
every situation, so do what feels right to you in the moment.

Finally, there’s something else you can do to help ensure that she isn’t caught off
guard by a first kiss that seems to come out of nowhere: Wait until the end of the
date. Some guys may reject this because it seems cliché or lacks spontaneity, but
there’s an advantage to going with the traditional end-of-date first kiss. As you
say goodnight she’s probably already wondering if you’ll try to kiss her because
that’s when most first kisses do happen. In the heightened awareness of that
moment she’ll be looking for cues and will be ready to pick up on any you send
out. That simplifies things, especially if she’s looking back at you with an
expectant smile. When that’s the case, catching her by surprise isn’t really a
problem and the only signaling you’ll probably need to do is to tell her that
you’ve had a great time and then lean in slowly for the kiss
What If You Guess Wrong?
The reality is that even on a date where things seem to be going well, it’s still
possible to get the head dodge when you go in for a kiss. It’s especially easy to
misread the signals from a partner who you don’t know well.
In the previous chapter, I went through many of the reasons a partner may not
feel ready to kiss even when they have a romantic interest in you. You may be
thinking: “That’s fine. I really like this girl and I’m more than willing to wait
until she’s ready, but at the moment I’m leaning halfway in and she’s just turned
her head to the side. How do I get through the next couple minutes without
things becoming really awkward?”
First off, instead of focusing on your fear of embarrassment, focus instead on the
opportunity you’ve just been given. Most girls like a guy who can handle a
difficult situation. Since this is not a moment that everyone deals with well this
is a chance for you to set yourself apart from other guys she may have gone out
with. Show her that you can get a turn down without it rattling your sense of
confidence. The advice to “just be yourself” on a date is generally worth
following, but this is one instance where a little acting is justified. Stay friendly
and confident on the outside, even if on the inside your confidence feels shaken.
The fact is everyone gets rejected at one time or another, and you’ll discover it’s
really no big deal — but until you actually feel that it’s no big deal, pretending
that’s how you feel is a valid strategy. You’ll discover that “fake it till you make
it” is a way of actually growing into greater confidence and soon you won’t need
to pretend.
To deflect any awkwardness, you can use light humor (”As pretty as you look
tonight I wouldn’t be much of a guy if I didn’t at least try to give you a kiss.”),
you can say something gentlemanly (”Sorry if that was too soon. Maybe another
night when we’re both ready.”), or you can let the moment pass without verbally
acknowledging the rejection. If she turns her cheek toward you simply place a
little peck there as if it was what you had intended to do all along, maybe add a
friendly hug, and let her know that you enjoyed spending time with her.
The worst thing you can do when a partner rejects your attempt to kiss her is to
overreact by getting angry or upset. She may already feel embarrassed or
uncomfortable because she turned down your kiss. If you get irritable it makes
the situation worse not better and it makes you look weak. It could also cause
someone who’s interested in you to change her mind — she may decide that
your ego is too fragile and too easily bruised to make good boyfriend material.
So set her mind at ease by taking her decision in stride — if she’s interested in
you it will make you even more attractive to her.
When Things Don't Work Out
When it comes to dating, none of us can be a good fit for everybody out there.
For each of us there’s a percentage of the vast partner pool who will be a good
match, and a significant number who won’t. That's why dating is often referred
to as a numbers game. Sometimes a person has to date many people with
varying degrees of success and disappointment, before they find that "just right
for them " person they've been working their way toward the entire time.
When a new relationship isn't working out both partners may feel it, but,
unfortunately, that's not always the case. There will almost certainly be times
when you go out with someone who, it turns out, is more attracted to you than
you are to them. As simplistic as it may sound, this is a good time to remember
the golden rule, and treat your date as you would wish to be treated under similar
circumstances. Be honest about your feelings, but also find a way to let them
down in as kind and generous a manner as possible.
What if it turns out that a person that you’re attracted to doesn’t feel the same
way about you? It’s true that there are relationships that began with an initial
rejection and lack of interest, but when you go out with someone who makes it
clear that a relationship isn’t going to happen then it’s time to move on.
Although we all have the right to approach someone we’re attracted to, none of
us are entitled to a “yes” response from a person who’s not interested in being
with us.
When we experience rejection, as long as we behave in a respectful way and
accept the other person’s decision, there’s nothing to feel bad about. But, of
course, we often do feel bad — sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. That’s when
a change in perspective and some supportive self-talk can help us move on to
more promising opportunities.
Avoid Catastrophizing
If you get rejected it’s important to keep your perspective on what just happened.
When a person’s self-esteem gets bruised by a romantic turn down, it becomes
all too easy to engage in something that psychologists call Catastrophizing. What
is Catastrophizing? That’s when someone has a relatively minor set-back in life,
but they see it as a disaster that has long term consequences. In other words, a
molehill’s worth of misfortune gets built up into a mountain. This is a very
common response when negative emotions get churned up, and can happen so
automatically that we’re not even aware that we’re doing it. Often,
Catastrophizing takes the form of highly pessimistic self-talk: blaming ourselves
for what happened, telling ourselves that everything we do is wrong, deciding
that we’ll never succeed at romance or anything else. Human beings are
somewhat hardwired for worry because our minds are always trying to keep us
safe from real dangers such as a truck skidding into our lane on the highway, but
when we allow that process to run wild by exaggerating the consequences of a
relatively minor (although unpleasant) experience, it can leave us feeling
anxious and less able to cope well.
In order to stop yourself from Catastrophizing you must first become aware that
you’re doing it. That self-awareness can take some effort, because
Catastrophizing is a habit that usually occurs instantly without a conscious effort
on our part. To catch yourself Catastrophizing start paying attention to your
thoughts. What are you telling yourself? One clue that we’re engaging in this
sort of worse-case-scenario thinking is that we talk to ourselves using absolutes:
“This always happens to me.” “I’ll never find a partner.” “No one will ever be
attracted to me.” Always… never… no one… those types of words are typical of
the extremely pessimistic thinking characteristic of Catastrophizing.
If you realize that you are putting a very negative spin on an experience (or on a
future event that you’re anticipating), for your own well-being and happiness it’s
important to correct this distorted thinking. It can be helpful to write down those
Catastrophizing thoughts that you’ve identified, and then make a list of all the
other possible outcomes you can think of, from the very positive to the mildly
disappointing. This gives you the full range of possibilities to consider, not just
the worst case scenario that your fearful mind is pushing you toward. Even the
simple acknowledgment that those more positive outcomes are possible helps to
open us up to more optimistic thinking, giving us the resilience we need to keep
moving toward our goals. The truth is the worst rarely happens and even if
things don’t turn out exactly as we’d like them to, there’s a big difference
between experiencing a disappointment and a catastrophe.
Learning to handle rejection well is a powerful, life-enhancing skill. By being
able to take risks and know that you’ll be okay if you get rejected, you’ll be
more likely to go after opportunities and create fulfilling experiences for
yourself. As author Nora Roberts once wrote: “If you don’t go after what you
want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.”
 CHAPTER FIVE
The Basic Romantic Kiss

JUST ABOUT EVERYBODY knows what a French kiss is. It’s the kiss that gets the
tongues involved. But what do you call the kiss that doesn’t have any
intermingling of tongues? You know, the lips-only one that usually starts things
off? The truth is there is no widely accepted name that’s specific to that kiss. It
gets lumped into the broad category of “kissing” along with a lot of other
possible lip and tongue maneuvers. That’s too bad, because if it did have its own
name it would be much clearer that this simple, elegant, subtly erotic and very
romantic kiss is a destination and not just a quick cursory stop on the way to
more probing tongue action. To help rectify this naming oversight, in this
chapter I’ll be referring to it as the Basic Romantic Kiss. Basic because this is
the first kiss most people ever give to a new partner, and the kiss most
established couples use to express affection or to start things off even when their
goal is to heat things up. And Romantic because, well, it is. It's the ideal kiss for
establishing an emotional bond, a connection that makes any intimate contact
that may come later more meaningful and intense. This kiss goes beyond other
simple forms of physical contact such as holding hands or hugging, yet it fits in
with the sweet, romantic mood of those gestures. Speaking in general terms, if
the French Kiss is about sexual desire, the Basic Romantic Kiss is about love
and feeling. It's the kiss of our ideals and deepest affection, just as the French
kiss is an expression of libido.
The Basic Romantic Kiss also feels great. Don’t let the paragraph above mislead
you into thinking it doesn’t. This kiss is indeed romantic, but it has an earthy
side to it that can pack a considerable impact. And though its sexiness is more
subtle than the French kiss, it has its own ability to take a partner's breath away.
Our lips have over a million nerve endings, making them, along with the tongue,
the most nerve packed area of the body. Also, the part of the brain dedicated to
receiving sensory input from our lips is disproportionately large. That means
even a light brush of lips upon lips can send shivers down the spine and switch
on the pleasure centers of the brain.
If you’re a guy who’s concerned that his partner will get bored pretty quickly
with such a basic kiss, think again. The number one complaint women have
about the way men kiss is that they begin using their tongue too soon; that means
too soon when a new couple first begins kissing and too soon when an
established couple decides to get romantic. To put it another way, the change
most women wish their partner would make when it comes to kissing is that he
would spend more time using just his lips on her lips and skin. That doesn’t
mean women don’t love French kissing, too. Most women do. It simply means
that the Basic Romantic Kiss has its own magic and women want to fully
experience that as well
If This Is Your First Romantic Kiss
When someone has yet to experience their first romantic kiss, it’s natural to feel
nervous about getting the mechanics of it right. How do you keep the noses from
bumping? Should I close my eyes or keep them open? Trying to work out those
questions on your own can be difficult. Unfortunately, this uncertainty is often
the cause of a lot of unnecessary anxiety, and nothing spoils a good kiss like a
bad case of nerves. Most novice kissers aren’t afraid that they won’t be able to
figure it all out eventually — after all, they know that people have been doing
exactly that for thousands of years. What really scares them is the thought that,
on their first few attempts, they’ll fumble around and make a fool of themselves
with someone that they really kind of like and want to impress.
If you’re a kissing novice and that describes your situation, I have good news:
The basic romantic kiss isn’t complicated or difficult, and the first time you try it
will almost certainly go far better than the worst-case scenario that may be
playing on an endless loop in your mind. Kissing usually comes naturally if
we’re able to relax, but it’s easy to trip yourself up if you’re new at it and feeling
unsure of yourself. That’s where a little information can help. The questions
we’ll cover in this chapter include:

What should that first kiss be like?

How do I keep our noses from bumping?
Should I kiss with my eyes opened or closed?
How can I make the Basic Romantic Kiss feel really good?
 Should I move my head when we kiss?
What should I do with my hands?
How long should a first kiss last?
How do I end the kiss?
Is there a way to practice kissing without a partner?

By the end of this chapter you’ll know the answers to the most common
questions that inexperienced kissers wonder about (and sometimes obsess over).
In fact, it’s very possible that, after reading this chapter, you’ll have all you need
to make your first attempt very successful and leave your partner wondering how
many times you’ve done this before. Even more importantly, you’ll find it easier
to relax and enjoy that first experience.
What Should That First Kiss Be Like?
Light, soft and gentle. No tongues. Simple as that. The experience of touching
lips for the first time has so much electricity already going for it that nothing else
is needed. In fact, more than that and you risk spoiling the moment. Enthusiasm
and passion are fantastic as long as they don't cause you to get pushy. Your goal
should be to leave your partner wanting more, not make her back away from you
out of self defense or put on the breaks at the end of the first meaningful physical
contact you share together.
How Do I Keep Our Noses from Bumping?
The answer, of course, is to tilt your head as you make your approach. Easy
enough, but the trick to avoiding a collision is for you and your partner to tilt
your heads in opposite directions. For couples who’ve kissed before this
generally isn't a problem, but new lovers are facing the unknown. True, kissing
is, as already stated, just another form of communication and, hopefully, you've
tuned into your partner's body language. But in those moments before you first
connect, full of anticipation and excitement, it's easy to misread your partner's
cues as you become caught up in the experience.
In this frame of mind, how do you prevent an awkward little nose smack? When
in doubt it's best to play the odds. Research has shown that twice as many people
tilt their heads to the right when kissing. According to a German biopsychologist
at Ruhr University, that personal preference may be based in biology. During
their final weeks in the womb, it has been noted that the majority of babies tilt
their heads to the right, as do newborns. It seems that for most of us the tendency
to tilt to the right is built into our machinery.
But suppose science, the odds and reading your partner's vibe all let you down,
and your noses do connect before your lips ever have a chance to. Not quite the
romantic moment you’d envisioned, perhaps, but an excellent opportunity to see
if your partner has a sense of humor. If so, that little mishap may turn into
something even better than a perfect first kiss: Sharing a laugh together can be
pretty romantic, too, and you’ll be more relaxed when a moment later you lean
in and your lips do connect.
Should I Kiss with My Eyes Opened or Closed?
To the perennial question "Eyes opened or closed?" the answer is… it depends.
It’s a good idea to keep your eyes open as you move in for a kiss — it helps
prevent bumping noses or missing mouths altogether. But as the lips connect,
most people let their eyes close for the actual kiss. Again, science has a sound
explanation for why. When somebody shuts off the lights in a room, the pupils in
our eyes dilate (that is, they become bigger) so that we can see better in the
darkness. Our pupils also dilate when we become aroused by a kiss. This
automatic physical response fools our brain into thinking it's dark, and our
natural reaction to this mistaken message is to close our eyes. That explanation is
fine, but there's another one that makes at least as much sense. Kissing is an
intense experience capable of dazzling the senses. For many people, shutting out
visual stimuli (including an intensely close view of the other person) may be a
way of preventing sensory overload. Better to close the eyes and let the entire
focus be on the one thing that matters most in that moment — the intimate touch
of a kiss.
Incidentally, the preference for eyes opened or closed during a kiss varies
between the sexes. One Canadian study found that 97 percent of women close
their eyes while kissing, compared to 37 percent of men. Other studies haven't
found the gap to be quite this wide, but, nonetheless, have confirmed that men
have a stronger preference for peeking during a romantic kiss. Why the
difference? It may be that men, being visual creatures, find that the added
stimulation of watching their partner's reaction heightens their own experience of
kissing. Women, who are often more adept at tuning into their feelings, may find
it easier than men to be swept up in the pure emotion of the moment without
craving any extra visual stimulus. If you're a man this difference is worth taking
into account. Some women find it disconcerting if, in the middle of a long
sensuous kiss, their eyes flutter open only to find a giant eyeball staring back at
them. Especially if the relationship is new and trust isn't fully established, a
woman might resent the feeling of being watched at such a moment, and wonder
why you're not as caught up in the experience as she is.
If you do wish to maintain visual contact during a make-out session, but have
reason to believe your partner isn't a fan of the big one-eyed Cyclops effect that
occurs when eyes are opened at very close range, there's no reason to disturb the
romantic mood. Every now and then, gently break off kissing and pull back just
far enough to gaze affectionately into your partner's eyes.
Once the relationship is firmly established, you and your partner may find that,
sometimes, keeping your eyes open while kissing is a sexy way of intensifying
the experience. Until that comfort level is reached, however, kissing with eyes
closed is likely to make the experience more comfortable for your partner.
How Can I Make the Basic Romantic Kiss Feel Really Good?
As stated earlier, great first kisses are soft. This usually comes naturally because
lips are soft, but an inexperienced kisser may unintentionally do things that make
their lips feel hard and less pleasant to touch. A common mistake is to form the
lips into an exaggerated pucker. This resembles the O-shape that young children
sometimes form their mouth into when they’re about to kiss an elderly relative.
Unfortunately, someone who’s new to kissing may think that this is the proper
way to shape the mouth for a romantic kiss, but it’s a sure way to break any
magical, romantic spell that’s been brewing. Contracting the muscles around the
lips in this way produces a wrinkly “fish lips” effect that not only looks
awkward, but, worse, creates a rigid, unyielding surface to kiss.
The opposite of puckering is to purse the lips, but it has a similar effect. Nervous
kissers sometimes draw their mouth so tightly closed that the lips become a thin,
firm line, rather than full and soft. When this happens, the person on the
receiving end may wonder if their partner is kissing them reluctantly, because a
mouth this tightly sealed feels closed-off and uninviting, the equivalent of
someone folding their arms protectively across their chest. In reality, being
unfriendly or distant may be the last thing that’s intended. Even when someone
is enthusiastic about kissing, it’s possible for them to purse their lips by mistake.
When this happens, it’s usually due to inexperience or shyness. The person may
be so intent on pleasing their partner that they tense up, and their lips draw
tightly closed without any conscious effort. If this happens to you, remember to
slow down, take a deep breath and relax. Of course you want to please your
partner, but you should also find the experience highly pleasurable yourself.
Remember to not take it all so seriously and give yourself permission to fully
enjoy the moment; this can help put things in perspective and minimize any pre-
kiss jitters. And if you do realize after pressing your lips to your partner that
you’ve tensed the muscles around your mouth, simply loosen up mid-kiss. If you
readjust your lips so that they’re soft and sensual, the kiss that results is all that
your partner is likely to notice or remember.
By the way, keep in mind that soft doesn’t mean kissing with lips that are
entirely loose and shapeless. That’s going to the other extreme and it leads to a
kiss that feels boringly passive. The easiest way to get a sense of what this
means is to try a little experiment. With your lips completely relaxed press them
against the back of your hand. Then kiss the back of your hand again, but this
time engage the muscles around the mouth just a little bit. With this second kiss
you should feel the lips give somewhat but also retain some of their shape. Can
you feel the difference between the two kisses? With the first kiss, the lips feel
mushy and lifeless. No fun there. But with a slight adjustment, the second kiss
comes alive and it will be far more exciting to the person on the receiving end.
The change is subtle, but it makes a difference. If you kiss your partner with
intention, that is, kiss softly but like you really mean it, they’ll be able to feel
your presence behind the kiss.
When you connect with your partner’s mouth your lips can remain closed. This
is a safe approach to a very pleasant kiss, but another small change can make a
kiss feel even nicer. The skin on our upper and lower lips that touches when our
mouth is closed doesn’t receive as much exposure as the outer part of our lips,
and because of this it’s softer, warmer and more sensitive to touch. A kiss that
includes a little of this skin has a bit more going for it — not only is this part of
our mouth very contact friendly, it also makes a kiss feel a shade more intimate
and personal. To bring this area into play, as you move in to kiss your partner
part your lips slightly. Again, this is a subtle change that I’m suggesting, nothing
extreme. Don’t overdo it by opening your mouth wide as if you’re about to slip
your tongue out or swallow your partner’s face. To your partner it should still
feel like a closed-mouth kiss, just a very good one. Imagine parting your lips just
enough to slip a very thin wafer about the size of a quarter between your lips and
you’ll have the right idea. With your lips parted this way, they will naturally tend
to flare out slightly when they come into contact with your partner’s lips,
exposing the edge of this inner lip to your partner. If you want, you can expose a
little more by slightly contracting the muscles around your mouth. This probably
sounds like something I just warned you not to do, and, technically, this could be
considered a slight pucker, but the emphasis should be on slight. You only need
to have a little of this inner lip make contact with your partner to achieve the
desired effect.
Another key to a great first kiss is to make sure that your lips fit perfectly against
your partner’s lips, that they mesh so well it feels meant to be. A good way to do
this is to aim your kiss so that it lands on either your partner’s upper or lower lip.
In other words, where your upper and lower lip come together the skin curves in
to create an indented space along the mouth line. When you kiss, place your
partner’s upper or lower lip into that space so that you get the maximum amount
of skin touching skin. Don’t worry if your aim is off a little bit. This is a
forgiving process. If you don’t hit it right on, you can adjust the placement of
your lips during the kiss. This movement up or down your partner’s mouth can
even make the kiss a more sensual experience.
Should I Move My Head When We kiss?
When it’s a first kiss most people don’t move about much, if at all. Moving the
head from side to side while kissing is usually done when things start to get
more passionate and the kisses last longer. The first kiss is usually short and
sweet and doesn’t require a lot of variety to make it exciting. The act of bringing
your lips together for the first time has plenty of excitement to it, even if you do
no more than gently touch mouths. If you prefer, subtle movements are okay.
Bigger movements are more sensual than small movements, however, and during
those early kisses a lot of brushing of lips back and forth across a partner’s
mouth is likely to feel out of place or premature.
When you do reach the stage where you and a partner are kissing more
passionately, rocking your head back and forth is one way to up the sensuality
and provide variety. Of course, rocking your head isn’t really the point, even
though it’s what we’re likely to notice when we see people kiss passionately in
the movies. In real life, what’s important isn’t how it looks but how it feels, so
don’t bother trying to imitate what you’ve seen on the screen which may be
exaggerated for dramatic effect. Instead, focus on the pleasurable sensations that
are created for you and your partner when your lips slide over theirs. Do that and
your moves will be just right.
What Should I Do With My Hands?
While it’s perfectly okay to kiss your partner without touching them with your
hands, for most people, even as early as a first kiss, it feels natural to include
some sort of caress as part of the experience. When it’s a first kiss, the safest
places to touch are the shoulder, the upper arm or the back. A hand placed gently
on the shoulder or arm as you come in for a kiss extends the sense of connection.
Moving from a hug into a first kiss also feels very sweet and affectionate — it’s
an easy transition if you loosen the hug enough to pull back and momentarily
gaze at your partner before lowering your gaze to their lips and moving in for the
kiss.
When you progress to stringing kisses together, keep your touch consistent with
the mood of the moment and each partner’s comfort level. If you’re kissing in a
soft and tender way, your touch should feel the same. Gently moving a hand over
your partner’s cheek and down their neck, running your spread fingers through
their hair, touching their ear, cupping their face in your hands, or stroking the
sensitive area at the back of the neck are ways to add to the sensual experience
of those early, romantic kisses.
How Long Should a First Kiss Last?
First kisses are usually brief, lasting just a moment or two. It’s more about
making that first connection, so don’t worry about creating a big moment of
passion. In fact, going too fast and making out too early has doomed many
promising relationships. It’s usually better to let the relationship develop over
time, rather than start intensely and risk flaming out just as quickly.
Of course, the more kisses you share with a partner the longer they tend to last,
and some kisses can go on for many minutes, but even when you’re at that stage,
you’ll want to change things up, inserting some short kisses among the longer
ones to keep things fresh and interesting.
How Do I End the Kiss?
After kissing, it’s better not to yank yourself away abruptly, something nervous
first-time kissers sometimes do. There’s a better approach that ends the kiss on a
high note. Just as you start to gently pull away relax your lips. This signals your
partner to do the same and usually has the effect of creating that little “smack”
sound that’s associated with kissing. Open your eyes as you slowly move back,
and gaze at your partner with a slight smile to let them know the experience has
meant something to you. This glowing moment after a good kiss is the perfect
opportunity for meaningful communication. If this is a good-night kiss this is an
ideal time to say something about how much you’ve enjoyed being together, or,
if the date isn’t over yet and you’re not saying good-night, pay your date some
other appropriate compliment to keep that good feeling going.
Is There a Way to Practice Kissing Without a Partner?
To kiss takes two participants, so logically it would seem that a duo is required
to practice kissing, but that's not true. While it does help to have a willing
partner to hone your skill once you’re beyond the basics, if you've never kissed
before or are fairly inexperienced there are some time-honored ways to practice
on your own. Why consider practicing? Two reasons: First, when the moment
comes to press your lips to that all-important someone you’ve been dreaming
about, you’ll probably be less nervous if you’ve already put your lips through a
test run. And, second, kissing is a skill and you can get better at it by practicing
— the advantage to practicing on your own is that there’s no pressure and you
can take all the time you want to experiment and adjust how you kiss.
There’s a long tradition of adolescents trying to figure out what their very first
kiss will be like by smooching pillows, photographs in magazines and even their
image in a mirror, but this is of limited value when it comes to determining how
your kisses really feel. If you want to know if you’re over puckering your lips or
leaving them too loose, using too much pressure or too little, without a partner
the best way to find out is to kiss your hand.
While it may sound silly, the fact is our hands are very sensitive to touch,
making them an excellent stand in to practice on. No, it won’t duplicate the
experience of kissing a partner. How could it? Anymore than a batting cage
duplicates the experience of hitting off a pitcher in an actual game. But it can
help you get a sense of how well your kisses are working.
The first thing you’ll want to do is to find a location where you won’t be
disturbed. A private room with a lock on the door helps. That way you can
concentrate on learning without the distraction of worrying about being
embarrassed by someone walking in on you.
Some people opt to practice by kissing either the back of their hand or their
palm, both of which work fine, but if you want to kiss something shaped more
like a mouth you can also try kissing your fingers. This is done by holding two
fingers (or your thumbs) next to each other, one above the other, so that the top
one becomes the upper lip and the bottom one becomes the lower lip.
To use two fingers to practice on, simply bring the index and middle fingers of
one hand together. Turn your hand so that the line between those fingers is
parallel to the line of your mouth. Experiment by kissing both sides of the hand
to see which you prefer. With the palm facing you, the fleshy pads of the fingers
can substitute for the fleshiness of the lips; with the palm facing away, you can
bend the fingers a little at the knuckles to mimic the curve of the mouth. If you
want, separate the fingers slightly to simulate a partner’s slightly parted lips.
To use your thumbs to practice on, keep the fingers of one hand together and
stick the thumb out from the rest (similar to what you would do if you were
about to shake someone’s hand). When you do this you’ll notice a “V” is created
in the space between the thumb and index finger. Form the other hand into the
same shape and slide the two Vs together so that the thumbs are resting against
each other but pointing in opposite directions. Now relax the fingers and turn
your clasped hands so that both thumbs are facing you.
Once you decide which of these approaches works best you can use this as a way
to try out all sorts of kisses and techniques. First kisses are often the most nerve-
wracking so practice giving a kiss that has a soft, gentle, romantic feel. Conduct
little experiments to discover what works and what feels good. Imagine what a
partner on the receiving end would experience if these kisses were landing on
their lips.
But don’t stop there. Practice other ways of kissing as well. When you’re at the
stage in a relationship where you’re making out and kisses are coming one after
another you’re going to want to add some variety to your kisses to keep things
fun and interesting. There are lots of ways to change things up — you can vary
pressure, duration, intensity, tempo, placement, movement and technique. Here
are a few ideas to try out when you practice:

After several long, lingering kisses applied with medium pressure, follow
up with a series of kisses so soft that they barely brush the skin, a move that
can feel spine-tinglingly good. From there, lead into some kisses that are
more intensely passionate. While these shifts are fairly dramatic, keep in
mind that even subtle changes in pressure, intensity and duration can make
one kiss feel different from another.
Place your kisses on various parts of the mouth. Start out kissing the center
 of the mouth, but then move to about where the corners of a real mouth
would be. Focus kisses on one lip (top or bottom), and then give your
attention to the other one. Also, alternate how you get from one location to
another — you can break contact completely when you move to a new spot,
or you can leave a trail of small kisses as you go, or you can stay in
constant contact by sliding your lips from one spot to another. (When
you’re with a real partner another way that you’ll want to change things up
is by sometimes moving off their lips entirely, to kiss their cheeks, neck,
forehead, etc.)
Play with tempo. Just as you don’t want all of your kisses to be alike, If
every kiss is wildly different from the one that came before it that too can
become predictable and monotonous, so change up how much you vary
your kisses. For example, follow a series of similar kisses with a sudden
riot of variety where pressure, placement and/or duration changes with each
kiss — but after this burst of creative energy dial things back so that the
changes become more subtle and relaxed.
Experiment with interesting new ways to use your mouth such as nibbling
and sucking the skin. This is a topic we'll cover in more detail in the next
chapter, along with another familiar kissing move you may want to first
practice on your own: using your tongue.

How do you know how much variety is enough, or, for that matter, too much?
The answer is simple: whatever feels good to you and your partner. Trust your
instincts. Obviously, practicing by yourself doesn't reproduce the full experience
of kissing someone, especially the emotional side of connecting with another
person in such an intimate way. The give-and-take that occurs while kissing a
partner, their reactions as well as your own feelings, are your best guides for
when and how to change things up.
There's More To Kissing Than Getting The Mechanics Right
If I had to pick one tip that's most important to remember when it comes to
kissing (other than the fact that women love to have their neck kissed), it would
be this: Technique helps, but there is no substitute for genuinely liking the
person you're with. Feeling emotionally connected, even more than physical
attraction, is probably the best guarantee that kissing your partner will never
become boring or stale.
Of course, you may not be at a stage in your life where you're looking for a long-
term commitment. But even if it's mostly about fun right now, you'll probably
find that kissing is a lot more fun with someone you share a genuine affinity with
and liking for. Think about the people you enjoy conversing with the most. The
ones in your life with whom you can talk every day without ever becoming
bored. Ideally, you'll have that same kind of rapport with your romantic partner.
Broadening this idea out a little bit, although new love gets celebrated in songs
and movies far more often, there's a lot to be said for a romance that has lasted
long beyond that initial burst of excitement. There are genuine benefits to having
a solid relationship when it comes to kissing. Newness wears off pretty fast, but
real friendship endures and can create a foundation for a deeper passion. You've
each had time to learn about the other's likes and dislikes. You know where and
how to deliver just the right touch, and how to make each other happy.
 CHAPTER SIX
The French Kiss

LET ’S CLEAR ONE thing up right at the beginning. The French did not actually
invent the French Kiss. In fact, in France they don’t even call it a French Kiss.
To them it’s a soul kiss or a tongue kiss or, more strangely, they use the slang
phrase “to roll a shovel.” Fortunately, they say this in French (”rouler une
pelle”), so rolling a shovel still comes out sounding pretty romantic. Nobody
really knows when our ancestors began using their tongues while kissing, but the
practice is at least hundreds of years old, and probably goes back many
thousands of years. The term “French Kiss” entered the English language shortly
after World War I, apparently coined by American and British soldiers who were
either impressed or scandalized by the passionate nature of the French. Though
the term may have originally been intended as a slam against what was
perceived to be a promiscuous interest in sex, people ever since that time have
been grateful to the French for their “invention.”
For many people, the French Kiss is THE KISS, most intimate and sensual of
kisses. During a French Kiss the lips part and the tongue comes out to caress and
explore a partner’s lips, tongue and mouth. Someone who has never tried this
before may wonder why anyone would find it appealing. You are, after all,
swapping a fair amount of spit and germs in the process. To fully appreciate why
it’s worth the trouble, the French Kiss has to be experienced. One of its
nicknames, the Soul Kiss, offers a clue to its popularity. Sensual tongue kisses
can make us feel a connection to our partner that seems to go beyond the
physical, to a feeling that our souls are merging, as if we’re intermingling a
fundamental part of our core being. From our earliest days our tongue was used
to help us explore and understand the world, and that pattern of behavior runs
deep within us, helped along by the tongue’s extraordinary sensitivity, and by the
chemical markers in our saliva that help our subconscious mind determine if
we’ve picked a suitable partner for procreating.
Getting the Timing Right
The first thing to remember about the French Kiss is that it should not be the kiss
you lead off with. Passion and intimacy are things that need to be built up to —
and the French Kiss is a passionate, intimate kiss. Though we talked about this
earlier, it comes up so often when women discuss what they don’t like about
their partner’s kissing style that it bears repeating. Many men try to move things
along too quickly with their partner, bringing their tongues out before she’s
ready physically or emotionally. For many women, a man who thrusts his tongue
into her mouth with little or no lead up to that moment is like having a guy try to
feel her up after they’ve just been introduced. It may meet his timetable for the
ideal romantic encounter, but it almost certainly won’t meet hers.
Part of the challenge with timing involves some basic biology: As a general rule,
the average man gets aroused more quickly than the average woman. He’s ready
to move forward, she’s not. That’s important to take into account because a
successful French Kiss isn’t just about technique, it’s also about being in the
right mood. A tongue that feels like a big, damp noodle to someone who’s not
ready for it, can become sexy and stimulating and very welcome once a bit of
passion has built up.
If you’re a man who has a tendency to hurry things along, becoming more
patient and committing to your partner’s desire to feel connected emotionally
can pay you big dividends. Take the time to give her the kind of affection and
kisses she needs to feel close to you, and, ultimately, you’re far more likely to
find yourself with a passionate, enthusiastic companion later on.
Knocking at the Door
You begin a French Kiss by asking a question, but you do so wordlessly. Even if
you preferred to ask your partner’s permission before giving them a first kiss, it’s
best not to verbalize a request for a French Kiss. There’s just no graceful way to
ask, “May I stick my tongue in your mouth?” But there is a graceful way to ask
nonverbally. Think of it as knocking at the door to see if they’d like to come out
and play.
Whether you’ve been kissing your partner with lips closed or slightly parted,
open them a little wider now, but not too much. Just enough to let your tongue
pass between your lips and very lightly brush across your partner’s mouth. If
they’ve been anticipating this moment, they may react instantly by bringing their
tongue out to meet yours. If there is no immediate reaction it doesn’t necessarily
mean they’ve rejected the idea. Sometimes it takes the person on the receiving
end a moment or two to switch kissing modes. Pull your tongue in and make a
seamless transition back to lips-only kissing. This lets your partner know that
you’re okay with whatever they decide.
They may mirror your move and you’ll feel their tongue on your lips. If so, bring
your tongue back out and begin playing with their tongue, using gentle,
massaging moves.
Playing Hard to Get
For men, in particular, there’s another approach you can use, one that can be
very effective with the right partner. You can decide to take patience to a new
level. You might think of it as turning the tables in a playful way. Men are so
used to being the ones who push things to the next stage and women are so used
to putting on the breaks, that it can be fun to switch roles.
Remember that the number one complaint from women is that men leap too
quickly into using the tongue. So be the guy she’s been waiting for. The one who
takes his time. The one who gives long, lingering romantic kisses using only the
lips. Let passion build, and, then, build some more. Then, at the point when most
men would bring their tongue out, do the unexpected — don’t. Hold back. Let
her level of anticipation build. Even after things have started to heat up leave
that tongue holstered. Wait for her to become so eager for deeper kisses that she
moves things forward herself, and you’ll be able to enjoy that very pleasant
moment when you feel her tongue gently brushing your lips, asking for more.
And if she doesn’t take the initiative? There can be lots of reasons. She may not
be ready, she may be shy, or she may prefer to stick to very traditional male-
female roles when it comes to romance. Even if that’s how it works out and you
do eventually end up being the first one to bring out the tongue, spending extra
time with the Basic Romantic Kiss is hardly a bad thing. You’ve probably just
given your partner an exceptionally nice time and, hopefully, had one yourself.
The Tongues Meet - Now What?
If this is your first French Kiss, when your partner responds to your invitation
and slips their tongue out to touch yours, you may wonder, “What next?” The
short answer is, Whatever feels good to you and your partner. There is no right
or wrong way to French Kiss, so, we feel our way through the experience, letting
our partner’s responses and our own pleasure lead the way. As you probe and
explore each other’s tongue and mouth, you’ll discover moves that you both like,
as well as moves that you’ll probably decide to take a pass on next time.
For most people, a soft, gentle touch usually makes for a sexier, more sensual
French Kiss. To get an idea of how much tongue pressure to use think about how
you might lick a soft serve ice cream cone. Rather than trying to overpower your
partner, take your time and savor each sensation. You may experience passionate
moments when it does feel right to quicken your moves and press in with greater
firmness, but tongues are sensitive things and a little bit of that can go a long
way, so, after brief periods of increased intensity, you may want to return to
gentler sensual play.
Although kissing feels best when partners’ energy levels are fairly closely
matched, in a long make-out session there may be times when you’re leading the
action, and other times when your partner is. But even when you’re being less
active than your partner never let your tongue become completely idle for more
than a moment or two. As kissing styles go limp and lifeless just doesn’t work,
because it’s not much fun for the partner on the receiving end. If you get tired
(and lips and tongues do sometimes), simply take a break from kissing and, later
on, pick up where you left off.
As you kiss, don’t forget to stay tuned into your partner’s verbal and non-verbal
cues. Of course, deep sighs, little moans, and responsive kisses from your
partner leave little doubt that what you’re doing is working for them. On the
other hand, if your partner signals the opposite — that he or she is
uncomfortable for one reason or another — take a step back into kisses they do
seem to enjoy, and the next time you try something new skip what didn’t get a
positive response.
If you’ve been kissing your partner for a while and you find yourself
momentarily running short on inspiration, an easy way out of that mini-slump is
to pay attention to how your partner is kissing you, and, then, kiss him or her the
same way. People often give their partner the sort of kisses they like to receive
themselves, so this is also a good way to learn about the type of kisses your
partner finds enjoyable.
Another way to keep things fun and interesting during marathon stretches of
French Kissing is to make sure that you have more than one or two moves in
your repertoire. To add variety to your tongue kissing, try out these moves in
various combinations with other kisses discussed throughout the rest of the book.
Exploring Your Partner's Tongue and Mouth
Though you’ll want to mix in other kisses, most people come back to touching
tongues again and again in a long make-out session because, for many, it does
feel like the ultimate kiss. The act of intermingling tongues in a slow dance feels
so intimate that it can stay thrilling for hours, especially when you’re with
someone you really connect with in other ways.

Begin by exploring your partner’s tongue with light licks, sliding across the
surface in a give-and-take rhythm where you react to your partner’s moves
while making moves of your own. The first few French Kisses usually
involve mostly the tip of the tongues, but vary this as things progress, by
also including the broader, flatter surfaces of the top and bottom of your
tongue in some kisses. Conduct little experiments to discover what feels
best to you and your partner: gently massaging, poking, lapping, flicking
and wrestling with each other’s tongue.
When the moment feels right, tease your partner, slipping your tongue
lustily in and out of their mouth several times, before retreating back into
your own mouth as a way of inviting (or daring) your partner’s tongue to
follow.
Venture further into your partner’s mouth as things heat up. Try running
your tongue slowly up and down the length of their tongue. (This feels very
sensual, but there’s one caveat: Don’t travel so far back into your partner’s
mouth that you cut off their oxygen or cause them to gag, neither of which
is sexy or fun.)
For another highly pleasurable tongue maneuver, make slow circles around
your partner’s tongue, allowing your tongue to caress each side.
At some point, you may want to linger beneath your partner’s tongue,
sliding the top of your tongue back and forth across the underside of theirs.
This is a spot that often gets little or no attention, and the good feelings this
move creates may especially delight a partner who’s unused to much
contact here.
The roof of the mouth is a surprisingly sensitive, pleasantly ticklish area
that also gets overlooked frequently — move your tongue over its bumpy
texture and gauge your partner’s reaction. Other places for the adventurous
to explore are the inside of a partner’s cheek and the space between their
 inside lip and upper teeth.
When your partner enters your mouth, a very erotic move is to close your
lips around their tongue and begin gently sucking. To make this move even
sexier, massage your partner’s tongue with the tip of your tongue, or slide
your lips slowly up and down their tongue while maintaining a light
suction.

Your Partner's Lips

When it comes to French Kissing, the tongues may be the stars of the show, but
they’re not the entire show. After finally getting to the stage where your tongues
are touching, it may seem like a step backwards to focus your attention on your
partner’s lips again, but it’s not. Mixing things up only adds to the excitement.
Like the tongue, the lips are highly sensitive and you waste an opportunity if you
ignore your partner’s for long periods of time. That’s especially true now
because, with your tongue and open mouth in the game, you have new ways to
excite those highly charged nerve endings.
Using Your Tongue

“Lick Kisses” as they’re sometimes called are simple but effective. Run
your tongue across your partner’s upper or lower lip, or, for a more subtle
move, trace around the outer edge of your partner’s lips with the tip of your
tongue. Because these moves provide a break from tongue-on-tongue
contact, they're ideal for engaging in a bit of romantic teasing. After some
hot and heavy kissing, switching momentarily to our partner’s lips, and
using a light, barely-there touch, creates the sort of playful holding back
that lovers use to build a sense of anticipation.
Another fun/sexy move takes advantage of the fact that wet skin is more
sensitive to changes in temperature. After licking your partner’s lips until
they're moist, blow soft breath over the area for a warm, tingling sensation.
If you’re in a very flirtatious mood, you can also turn your tongue play into
a game: Using the tip of your tongue, spell out a romantic message on your
partner’s lips, and ask him or her to unravel this very personal love note.

Using Your Lips

Sucking on your partner’s lip is another go-to, feel-good move that can
 always be counted on to please. Of course, you used your lips during the
Basic Romantic Kiss, and you may have even sucked gently on your
partner’s lips, but with the earthier, more carnal tone set by the French Kiss,
this move takes on a new sexiness and it shouldn’t be left out of your
repertoire now. Some people like to alternate between their partner’s upper
and lower lip, but the plumpish, yielding quality of the lower lip makes it
the easy favorite for many and you may find that you spend a bit more time
there. To end this kiss with a nice sensual moment, catch your partner’s
lower lip between your lips, and, when you separate from them, apply just
enough pressure to tug on their lip as it slips free.

Using Your Teeth

“Nip Kisses” aren’t for everyone, but some people love them. These are
kisses that use the teeth on a partner’s lips. The contrast between the sharp,
solid surface of the teeth against the soft, sensitive flesh of the lips can be
quite erotic. Some people call these “Bite Kisses” but that’s misleading,
because you should never actually bite your partner’s lip. Instead, the lip is
held between the teeth using very light pressure, and either a mock nip,
where the lip is gently tugged and released, or a brief nibbling action is
used. This kiss requires that you be in control of what you’re doing so that
you don’t accidentally chomp down on your partner’s lip and cause
discomfort. If you want to avoid that possibility altogether, you can also use
your upper and lower teeth separately to softly graze your partner’s lips
without grabbing on.

(Again, with the right person at the right moment Nip Kisses can be a sexy
move, but keep in mind that some people don’t like the feel of teeth on their lips,
and even when someone does enjoy this kiss they don’t necessarily want it all
the time. Until you’re sure of how your partner feels, start out slowly, and if they
express any displeasure, move on to a different kiss.)
A Few More Kissing Tips
French kissing and longer make-out sessions tend to go together. As the number
of kisses that get strung together increases and passions rise, you’ll want to avoid
some common rookie mistakes while also making the most of every moment you
spend with your partner. Here are some tips that address both topics.
Tip 1: Tend To Those Basic Bodily Functions
In other words, while kissing continue to breathe and swallow regularly. While
that may sound like strange advice, the fact is French Kissing is a very involving
activity that can last for many minutes at a time, and people sometimes do
become so caught up in the experience that they stop drawing breath or
swallowing. Unfortunately for them, when it comes to keeping things sexy and
seductive, gasping for air or drooling excess saliva are not high on the list of
popular moves.
Of course, normally, breathing and swallowing just happen without us thinking
about it. We can control these activities when we want, but usually they function
on autopilot. That is, until we become excited or stressed. Then the muscles in
our gut or throat may tighten up, throwing these self-regulating systems out of
whack. When we feel this happen it’s time to take action before we end up with
too little air in our lungs or too much spit in our mouth.
If you suddenly realize you’ve got a build-up of saliva that’s about to ooze out
onto your partner you can save the moment by pulling back to gaze lovingly into
their eyes, and, with a sexy, closed-mouth smile (think Mona Lisa), use this
pause to swallow and clear the decks. A pause like this also works if you’re
about to pass out from lack of oxygen. In this case, a deep breath and a long,
appreciative sigh provides a nice romantic touch and a good way to re-
oxygenate.
When you return to kissing your partner, remember to breathe through your
nose. This will allow you to continue kissing uninterrupted, and will also help
reduce the amount of saliva your mouth produces.
Tip 2: Don’t Thrust Your Tongue Too Far Into Your Partner’s Mouth
While you may have a partner who likes this move, most people don’t. So tread
carefully unless you know for sure that a deep tongue thrust will meet with
approval.
Sometimes a person performs this maneuver in the mistaken belief that pushing
their tongue deep into their partner’s mouth is a pathway to heightened levels of
passion. Usually, it isn’t. Not only does it tend to cut off the other person’s
ability to breathe, but straining to reach that far back into someone’s mouth turns
a soft, pliable tongue into a hard, rigid muscle that’s far less pleasing to make
contact with.
The most sensitive part of the tongue is the tip and that’s true of the mouth in
general — almost all the most delightfully ticklish nerve endings are
concentrated toward the front of the mouth, which is a good reason to focus your
explorations there. Reaching toward the back, the most sensitive thing that
you’re likely to come into contact with is your partner’s gag reflex.
Tip 3: Avoid Kissing in a Robotic Way
In other words, avoid repetitive, machine-like tongue maneuvers when kissing.
Kisses like this have been given all sorts of nicknames: jackhammer, piston,
woodpecker, blender. What these names all have in common is that they describe
kisses that are too fast, too hard and way too repetitious. The person whose
tongue twirls endlessly like a blender or thrusts rapidly in and out of their
partner’s mouth like a woodpecker may believe that these are effective displays
of passion because so much energy is being spent, but on the receiving end
actions like this can feel mechanical and uninspired, as if the person doing all
this twirling and thrusting is disconnected from any real emotion.
Awareness is often the difference between moves that feel just right and moves
that feel forced or out of place. As I’ve mentioned before, when someone is
nervous they may have difficulty tuning into their own feelings, let alone their
partner’s reactions. That’s when it’s easy to overdo things.
If you find yourself accidentally giving your partner one of those machine-like
kisses, slow the action down and relax. Remind yourself that kissing is about the
journey, not the destination. If you have difficulty loosening up, Chapter 9
provides exercises that can help you fully enjoy what’s going on by staying in
the moment.
Before leaving this topic, it’s important to point out that not all repetition is bad.
For example, moves like rolling the tongue in easy, sensual circles around a
partner’s tongue, or sliding a soft, lusty tongue several times in and out of a
partner’s mouth can be highly pleasurable.
At the right moment, intense, high-energy kisses (that aren’t robotic) can also be
a good thing. As things heat up, mixing in some harder, faster kisses can
heighten the experience, as long as they flow naturally out of the moment and
aren’t overdone.
Tip 4: End a French Kiss Smoothly
Whether a French Kiss lasts a few brief moments or is a lengthy snog that goes
on and on, you’ll reach a point where it feels right to end the kiss. When that
moment arrives, avoid abruptly jerking yourself away from your partner’s lips as
if something is suddenly wrong. We discussed this in the last chapter and it’s
even more important here because a French Kiss feels so intimate. Unless you’re
being intentionally playful, a jarring move like this can break the romantic spell
and make a good kiss feel suddenly clumsy.
It isn’t hard to subtly cue your partner that the kiss is coming to an end. It
usually happens naturally because it feels right but sometimes people don't
realize that great sensual kisses have a beginning, middle and end .
To end a French Kiss gracefully, simply reverse what you did to get into the kiss
in the first place. Begin by slowing down the tongue action, then withdraw your
tongue and continue kissing with your lips closed. From there, relax your lips
and gently lean back to break contact. That’s all there is to it. Depending on how
hot and heavy things were, a smooth end to the kiss can be as short as the time it
takes to describe what to do, or you may want to spend a little more time
slowing down and giving lips-only kisses. The moment after you’ve separated
from their lips is a lovely time to gaze at your partner’s face and give them a
warm, appreciative smile. Moving back in for a tender peck on the lips, neck or
forehead is also a nice way to cap off the moment with a sweet gesture.
Tip 5: During a Long Make-Out Session Think Like a Composer.
If you’ve reached the point where you’re French Kissing a partner, you’re
probably also stringing more than just a couple kisses together. When you reach
this “make out” stage it’s not a bad idea to take a lesson or two from the world of
music.
Most popular songs don’t vary much. A romantic ballad, for instance, usually
stays soft and silky from start to finish, while a hard-driving rock number keeps
its soaring guitars and thumping bass going until the last note rings out. That
sameness is okay because most popular songs are short, coming in at around
three minutes. But what if a piece of music lasts thirty minutes or more as
classical music often does? Sameness for that length of time gets pretty stale.
Successful composers of longer forms of music know that if they mix soft,
romantic passages and dramatic, intense passages together the contrast can
enhance the effect of each.
It’s no different with kissing. Give your partner a few kisses and variety doesn’t
matter much. Kiss your partner for many minutes and it’s a good idea to
orchestrate some change-ups along the way. As with a piece of music that
captivates us with its shifting melody, orchestrating the experience of necking by
mixing in some softer passages among the more intense moments makes for a
richer experience. Every skillful kisser knows that one of the most erotic moves
they can make is to pull back from a series of passionate kisses, just enough to
tease their partner. Moments like that create a sense of anticipation, letting the
ache of longing and desire build just enough to make the next soul kiss when it
comes crackle with energy.
Romance and passion complement each other. Gentle, romantic kisses help
establish an emotional connection that allows feelings to flow more easily when
we move into erotic tongue kissing; after some passionate necking, if we return
again to a gentler, more romantic style of kissing we can experience tender
feelings that are infused with a tingling undercurrent of heat.
Tip 6: Don’t Be Afraid to Stick With Tried and True Moves
While I emphasize creativity in other places in this book, it isn’t always
necessary or even desirable to get wildly imaginative with every kiss or make-
out session. There will be times when you and your partner will feel
adventuresome or playful, in the mood to amp up the excitement by trying
something completely original. But there will probably also be many occasions
when a very comfortable familiarity is what you really want, to sink deeply into
some tried and true expressions of passion or love. That’s okay. Every kiss
doesn’t have to be a wild ride or a test of your creativity. Your favorite kisses are
your favorites for a reason, and there’s nothing wrong with revisiting them again
and again. Most people develop favorite feel-good moves. That’s not necessarily
the same thing as falling into a rut. It’s a good idea to stay open to new
possibilities, but if a move feels good to you don’t stop just for the sake of
variety. Tune into what you and your partner are feeling at that moment, and let
those emotions guide your approach.
Tip 7: Move Beyond the Lips
Of course. Around your partner’s face and neck are lots of kissable places that
you’ll want to begin exploring. More on this topic in the next chapter.
What If Your Partner Doesn't Like To French Kiss?
Surveys show that, under the right conditions, a large majority of both sexes like
to use their tongues while kissing, but there are some people who don't and never
will. If you love to French Kiss but you're dating someone who just isn't into it,
it does no good to argue that they're wrong. They're not. These are personal
preferences and that happens to be theirs. How you deal with it depends on how
essential French Kissing is to you and how you feel about other areas of the
relationship. If you connect with your partner in ways that are important to you,
is French Kissing something you can do without? In an ongoing relationship is
there a compromise that can be negotiated, so that deep kisses can at least be an
occasional part of your lovemaking? Or do you feel so strongly about sharing
this experience with a partner, that someone who doesn't enjoy intermingling
tongues seems too incompatible?
Fortunately, this is a conflict that's much more likely to show up early in a
relationship. That's good because you've got a lot less at stake if their mind is
made up and you decide that using your tongue is something you don't want to
live without.
Long-term relationships rarely break up over a lack of French Kisses, but it may
be a sign of other problems that should be addressed before they cause deeper
rifts. What if you're with a partner who enjoyed French Kissing earlier in the
relationship, but is now cool to the idea? If your partner still enjoys Basic
Romantic Kisses, that's a good indication that he or she still feels connected
emotionally. If other areas of the relationship seem solid, it may be that, with
time and familiarity, your partner’s arousal time has slowed. Again, for many
people a French Kiss doesn’t feel good unless they're somewhat turned on first.
Spending more time gently bringing the level of passion up before you get into
tongue kissing may provide the answer.
If on the other hand, all types of kissing have pretty much come to an end, that's
often the "canary in the coal mine" alerting a couple that they may be drifting
apart emotionally. The sort of relationship repair counseling that may be needed
is beyond the scope of this book, but when couples start experiencing trouble,
kissing is often one of the first things to go. As mentioned in Chapter 1, along
with exploring other areas of the relationship (with professional guidance if
needed), making a conscious decision to kiss more regularly can help re-ignite
feelings that have begun to stagnate.
 CHAPTER SEVEN
Moving Beyond the Lips

OBVIOUSLY , HUMAN BEINGS have many kissable places beyond the lips and
mouth. While we won’t take the full tour in this short chapter (or in this book),
for most people this sort of exploration is a natural part of the same overall
experience, and at least a few of those places deserve some mention here. For
this discussion we’ll confine ourselves to the area around the head (with a small
detour to the hands), and provide a few ideas you may want to try out when you
reach these kissing sweet spots.
The Forehead, Cheeks and Nose
The forehead, the cheeks and the nose can be described as two relatively flat,
featureless expanses of flesh, and one pointy protrusion in the middle of the face
angling for attention, even as we're far more interested in the mouth that's shaded
below it. In erotic kissing terms, these spots aren't usually considered starring
attractions, yet they shouldn't be ignored or left out because, given a chance, they
can add variety, sensuality and even emotional depth to the kissing experience.
The Forehead
There's something reassuring about a kiss to the forehead. To kiss their partner
here, a person must position themselves slightly above the other person, in a
protective position, as if to say "It's okay, I'm watching over you." This can be a
warm, nurturing kiss filled with affectionate associations. Think back: Some of
the first kisses we ever received were to the forehead, intended to comfort us
(when we were sick, for instance). It's that emotional resonance combined with
the pleasure of physical contact that can make a kiss here so satisfying.
The Cheeks
There's a long tradition of kissing someone's cheek as a sign of friendship. In our
country, women friends and friends of the opposite sex do this freely, but if a
heterosexual male kisses another man's cheek it's usually a sign that he was born
outside the U.S.
The tradition of the cheek as a safe, affectionate place to kiss carries over into
dating. For many couples the cheek is the site of a first, demure kiss, especially
when the female's lips aren't offered. But all this polite, courteous kissing doesn't
mean the cheeks don't have a more sensual side. The forehead and nose are bony
areas covered with a thin layer of skin, but the cheeks offer a softer, fleshier
surface to play with. This makes cheeks ideal for nuzzling and cuddling, resting
on a partner, or brushing against them flesh-to-flesh. The cheeks have another
advantage: Their close proximity to the lips mean that after you've rested your
cheek against your partner, it takes only a slight roll of the head to bring your
lips into contact with your partner’s lips.
As a surface for kissing, short and long licks work well on the cheek, as do
kisses where the inner part of the lips come into play while sliding back and
forth over your partner's skin. Though the cheek is flattish, at the top is the little
ridge of the cheekbone where you can use your lips (avoid using teeth here) to
nip and play with this fleshy gathering of skin.
The Nose
The nose has a slightly goofy appeal. It sticks out rather inelegantly from the
middle of the face, between the dazzling gaze of our partner's eyes and the ripe
allure of their lips. At first, this fleshy speed bump may not seem to have much
potential as a focal point for our romantic yearnings, but that misleading
impression is part of its humble charm — few areas of the body seem so equally
designed to amuse and arouse.
There's something rather sweet (and slightly humorous) about placing a single
delicate kiss at the end of your lover's nose. The tip of the nose seems to be a
sort of human "on" switch, with the nerve endings apparently gathered there
specifically to prompt a smile when stimulated. Remember the game of gently
"stealing" a child's nose to make them laugh, with your thumb peeping through
your fingers?
Another giddy little game that can be fun to reenact as adults is the child's
version of an Eskimo kiss — rubbing noses playfully together. As adult partners,
however, you may want to try for an Eskimo kiss that's more authentic. When
they kiss, Eskimos rub their noses and cheeks against one another as a way of
taking in the scent of their partner's skin and breath, a far more subtle and sexy
experience.
Finally, as part of an erotic tour of the face, from the top to the tip, the nose is all
kissable, but the area at eye level and above is a sweet spot that many people
find particularly arousing, especially when the tongue is used.
The Neck
Consider this: In mankind's long, fevered history countless dark creatures of the
night have bubbled up from our collective unconscious to haunt our dreams, but
only one monster of this sort has ever been described as having devastating sex
appeal for women. Suave enough, in fact, to be played in the movies by the likes
of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and Robert Pattinson, this fang-toothed Lothario is
famous for only one big move — spending all his "getting to know you" time at
a woman's neck. Of course, outside the realm of fiction a vampire-style bite is
way too extreme and not at all recommended, but for most women a gentler
nibble in the neck region is more than fine.
It may be, as some evidence suggests, that some men aren't as sensitive in this
area of the body as most women are, and so have trouble appreciating how
pleasurable a kiss there can be for their partner. If you're a man and that's true of
you, it's worth remembering that, for the woman in your life, the neck may be
one of her very favorite places to be kissed. As a visual treat, most men quite
naturally find the graceful curve of a woman's neck sexy anyway, so give into
that feeling and come back to your partner's neck again and again.
Despite what I’ve written above, many men also enjoy having their neck kissed,
so if you’re a woman, give your man some attention there and see how
enthusiastically he responds.
Cover your partner's neck with little trails of kisses, licks and nips. It doesn’t
matter how you move about — go straight up and down the length of the neck,
or start at the sensitive area just under the earlobe and make a “necklace” of
kisses as you move across to the other side, or just move around in a random
circular pattern. The skin of the neck is very sensitive so start out gently and
only increase the intensity of your contact as your partner responds positively to
it.
A few sensitive places around the neck to consider focusing some of those kisses
on include:
 That little hollowed dimple at the base of the neck (between the collar
bones) can be kissed or fondled with your tongue to great effect.
A move recommended by relationship author Olivia St. Claire is to kiss,
lick and/or nibble an area she calls the "N" spot — that's the highly
sensitive crease that runs between the chin and Adam's apple. Once you've
reached that far up the neck an obvious move from there is to leave a trail
of kisses over the chin and back up to your partner's waiting lips.
A place that generally receives little or no attention is the Adam's apple
itself — consider surprising your man with some soft kisses there.
Finally, if we wanted to determine which of the body's erotically charged
locations is most often neglected, a very likely candidate would be the back
of the neck — it's easy to underestimate how sensitive this area is, but
romantic contact here is highly pleasurable to most people. From a position
behind your partner, lift up the hair at the base of their neck and move in
close so that they can feel your warm breath on their scalp and neck — this
gives your partner a chance to tingle with anticipation just before you lean
in to kiss and nibble the spot.

The Ears
Lovers have been drawn to their partner's ears for as long as anyone knows.
There's that silly-cute-sexy outer flap with all its little curves and folds that seem
custom made for exploration; and the complex mystery of the inner ear, able to
receive and make sense of the whispered endearments carried in on our warm
breath. Why wouldn't we want to bring our lips to this marvelously complex part
of our sweetheart's body? Unfortunately, there may actually be a good reason to
resist the urge. When it comes to kissing the ears the news is not all good.
Recently, Dr. Levi A. Reiter (Professor of Audiology at Hofstra University) has
published case studies of several people who've had their hearing damaged by
ear kisses. In one instance, after an innocent kiss on the ear from her four year
old daughter, a woman experienced decreased hearing, increased sensitivity to
loud sounds, and tinnitus (ringing in the ears). After running tests, the doctor
concluded that it wasn't the loudness of the kiss over the ear that lead to the
symptoms (as had been suspected), but the effect of suction on the delicate inner
workings of the ear. During the kiss, one of the small bones in the woman's ear
that transmits sound had been pulled out of place. After the media brought
attention to what has become known as Reiter's Ear Kiss Syndrome (REKS),
other patients and audiologists began coming forward with similar stories of
hearing loss seemingly caused by kisses to the ears.
At the time that this is being written, Dr. Reiter is carrying out further studies to
determine the full extent of the problem, but that work isn't yet completed. What
should you do in the meantime? Nobody knows how common these injuries are.
They may be extremely rare, or they may occur more frequently than anyone has
realized up to now. All the answers aren't in yet. What is clear is that there is
some risk, no matter how slight, and for those who are unfortunate enough to
have their fragile inner ear injured, the damage can permanently affect their
ability to hear. Certainly, the safest choice would be to simply avoid kissing your
partner's ears — which, by the way, is what Dr. Reiter recommends.
Although many people won't find it difficult to give up ear kisses — not
everyone likes them, especially close to the ear canal — there are some people,
however, who do find having their ears kissed an intimate, highly pleasurable
experience. If you and your partner fall into the latter category and decide that
avoiding all oral stimulation of the ears is an overreaction to what is known so
far, you might want to at least adopt a more cautious kissing style around the
ears. It's probably an especially good idea to avoid the entrance to the ear canal,
the tunnel to all those fragile parts that allow us to hear. Put another way, you
may be able to reduce the risk of injury by confining all kissing, nibbling,
blowing or licking to the outer rim of the ear flap.
If you decide to err on the side of caution by avoiding ear kisses altogether, but
hate the idea of treating the ears as a no man's (or woman's) land, keep in mind
that the mouth isn't the only way to express physical affection for your partner's
friendly little ear flaps. As long as you keep your fingers out of the ear canal,
touch with the hands is a safe option. Although this isn't a book about massage
techniques, for this one location on the body I'll suggest a simple, but effective
ear massage as an alternative to kissing.
Begin by lightly holding your partner's earlobe between your thumb and index
finger. Then, to massage the lobe, gently move your thumb and finger in small
circles. Continue sliding your thumb and index finger back and forth as you
slowly work your way up the outer rim of the ear until you've reached the top.
Why is this simple move effective? As professional massage therapists know, the
outer edge of the ear flap has numerous pressure points that, when massaged,
release endorphins in the brain. A feel good hormone, endorphins are the source
of that blissfully warm glow we feel when having sex, eating chocolate,
meditating or laughing. You can try out this move on your own ears, to get a feel
for how much pressure to use and to experience the mood-enhancing effect for
yourself.
The Hands
In the traditional hand kiss, the woman extends her hand as the man takes it in
his and bends deeply to kiss the back of it (in this tradition-bound kiss,
inevitably it's the man who does the kissing). It's a gesture that comes from a
more formal, chivalrous age, and except in some rarefied, upper-crust circles, it
has gone largely out of fashion, along with noblemen laying their coats across a
puddle so that m'lady doesn't get her shoes muddied. But whether you're being
playful, or the time just feels right for some old-fashioned romance, it's a kiss
that can still work as a courtly gesture of devotion. One place where this kiss can
still be seen regularly is David Letterman's TV show. Seated behind his desk,
Letterman frequently ends interviews with female guests by placing a
gentlemanly kiss on the back of their hand. Watch how his guests respond for an
example of why you may want to keep this as an occasional part of your own
kissing repertoire — despite Letterman's curmudgeonly image or, perhaps,
because of it, the kiss comes off as a sincere gesture of respect and affection, and
I've yet to see any guest on the receiving end who didn't look pleased.
If the mood is right for a more sensual kiss, achieving that is as simple as turning
your partner's hand over and focusing your kisses on the underside, which feels
far more intimate than kisses to the top of the hand. This entire area — with its
delicate wrist, warm, fleshy palm, and soft finger pads — is often overlooked
when kissing and that's too bad. Not only does it feel very nice to have these
spots kissed, but the experience offers another pleasure that's almost unique to
the hands. Because they extend out from the body, the hands are perhaps the
easiest place to observe your partner while in the act of kissing you, with the
action neither too close to your face nor blocked from your view. This means
that you can enjoy the feeling of your partner's lips on sensitive skin and at the
same moment watch comfortably as they lavish this loving attention on you —
an experience that can be both highly erotic and emotionally satisfying.
When kissing your partner's wrist and palm you can vary the level of intimacy
by the type of kiss you give. As is true with kisses in general, hand kisses that
use the relatively dry outer part of the lips will feel more subtle and romantic.
When you want to up the eroticism, bring the tongue and warm, moist inner part
of the lips and mouth into play. Because the hands are at the end of a long,
tapered appendage, it feels natural to start kissing, licking or nibbling the arm
and work your way down in a straight line to the fingers, but it can be just as
effective to move about more randomly, letting the mutual pleasure of the
moment lead you spontaneously to the next kiss.
When you reach the end of your partner's fingers, one of the most charming
things you can do is to delicately kiss the tip of each one — if you want to add to
the romance, finish by kissing their palm then fold their fingers over the spot you
just kissed as if placing your affection in their safe keeping.
If you want a steamier moment, try sucking your partner's index or middle
finger, letting it slide in and out of your mouth seductively. At the base of the
fingers, another sexy move many people swear by is running the tongue back
and forth across the slight webbing that stretches between the fingers.
The Rest of the Body
The list above is hardly comprehensive, but we'll end our review of the body's
kissable places here. Plenty of excellent books focus on the areas that we've left
buttoned up. Of course, those books are intended for mature readers exclusively,
and the best of them provide excellent information on more explicit foreplay. For
anyone who's reading this book, and who may be young or have limited
experience, waiting until you're ready and with the right person before you move
beyond the activities described in this book can make all the difference.
As you evaluate your own situation, it's worth remembering that, for many
people, including many who have a lot of experience with sex, kissing as
described in this book remains their favorite intimate activity and the most
profound physical connection they feel with another person. In other words,
even if you decide that it will be a while before you're ready for full sexual
contact, through kissing you still have a powerful way of experiencing intimacy
and pleasure with another person.
 CHAPTER EIGHT
Changing How Your Partner Kisses You

UP TO NOW this book has been largely devoted to giving the reader advice about
their own kissing; but, of course, it takes two to tango — and to kiss. What if
you’re with a partner who’s wonderful in almost every way — thoughtful, kind,
loving, passionate — but there’s just something about the way they kiss that
makes the experience memorable for the wrong reasons. Sometimes this happens
because a partner has a habit of regularly taking their kisses to some extreme:
too hard or too soft, too wet or too dry, too aggressive or too passive. Sometimes
the reason a partner’s kisses aren’t working isn’t that obvious — the person on
the receiving end may have no idea why their sweetheart’s kisses don’t light
them up.
If any of this describes what it’s like when your partner kisses you, the first thing
to remember is that being a “bad” kisser doesn’t mean that your partner isn’t
wanting to please you or that they’re not willing to try. There are plenty of
wonderful people out there who adore their mates but who’ve simply never
developed an effective kissing style. Many people lock into an approach to
kissing in the early, fumbling stages of their romantic history, and never realize
that a few tweaks could turn mediocre kisses into something more.
Also, keep in mind that it’s entirely possible that a previous lover found your
partner’s kissing style absolutely to their liking. There’s a lot of room for
personal preference when it comes to kissing. Too soft or hard, too wide or wet,
may have been just right for someone else. But if something about your partner’s
approach to kissing doesn’t work for you, a happy previous partner doesn’t
change that. There’s a laundry list of things that go into being a successful
couple, with good communication and shared interests usually somewhere near
the top; but also high on the list is the willingness of each partner to make little
adjustments that increase the other person’s happiness.
Kissing Lessons
If you’re in a new relationship with a partner who is inexperienced, it’s possible
to help them improve their kissing skills without even bringing the topic up. One
simple way to do this is through praise. Even an unskilled kisser occasionally
hits the right spot or makes the right move. When they do, let them know it by
saying something like “Mmmm, that feels nice… do that again”, or by providing
a non-verbal cue such as a long, satisfied sigh. Besides communicating what you
enjoy, this has the added benefit of being exciting for your partner to hear. Over
time, as you continue to provide positive feedback, your partner should become
increasingly adept at kissing in a way that works for both of you.
Another effective way to improve an inexperienced partner’s kissing technique is
to kiss them in the way that you like to be kissed. Without letting them know that
you’re doing it, you can give him or her a lesson in the art of kissing by way of
some skillful kisses of your own. Hopefully, they pick up on what you’re doing
and add it to their own skill set. Again, in those moments when their kisses come
alive, let them know how much you enjoy what they’re doing at that moment by
verbally or nonverbally expressing your pleasure.
Speaking Up
What if you praise your partner and show them how you like to be kissed, but
they’re just not getting your hints? If your partner consistently kisses in a way
that kills the romantic mood for you, then you may want to consider talking to
them about it. Of course, when bringing up a preference you have it’s important
to be kind and considerate of your partner’s feelings. You want to make the
experience of kissing more enjoyable for you without creating an unpleasant
experience for your partner.
You may wonder if it’s worth the trouble. You do risk hurt feelings, especially if
your partner has a fragile ego. If you’re dating someone who you don’t see as a
long term partner, you may decide to quietly live with an incompatible kissing
style for the time that you’re together. But if this is someone you’re serious
about, someone you want around for the long haul, then a lifetime is a long time
to feel frustrated when you kiss.
Many partners will view this sort of conversation as no big deal. In fact, they
may welcome it as a chance to learn more about your preferences, information
they can use to please you even more. On the other hand, a less secure person
may get defensive, and view any suggestion that they change something about
the way they kiss as a personal attack on their competence. If you’ve been with
your partner for a while then you probably already have a good idea of how
they’ll react, but in a new relationship you may have no idea what to expect.
And if a new partner does react negatively to a politely worded request that you
make? Well, at least this gives you insight into their personality. If their reaction
is part of a larger pattern of similarly insecure behavior it’s worth taking note of.
Building a strong relationship with anyone whose ego is easily bruised can be
challenging. If you do decide that this is the person you want to be with, at least
you’ll go into the future with your eyes open.
Making a Polite Request
If your partner’s self-esteem is rock solid and their confidence in the relationship
is, too, they’ll probably take it in stride if you make a simple, courteous request
that they adjust their kisses in some way. If your partner is on the sensitive side,
however, and they’re less sure of themselves, you may want to consider some of
the following suggestions before you ask for a change.
Reduce the risk of a negative reaction by waiting for the right moment to bring
the topic up. It’s usually better not to express your desire for a change while
you’re in the middle of a make-out session. When passions are running high and
emotions are aroused, people tend to let their guard down. In that vulnerable
state, your partner is more likely to view your comment as a personal criticism.
Better to wait until the kissing is over and you’re engaged in normal
conversation.
You might start out by mentioning how much you value the time that the two of
you spend together. Put your suggestion in perspective by letting them know that
the good side of your physical relationship far outweighs this very minor thing
that you’d like changed. Make it clear that it’s a personal preference you have
and not a criticism of their kissing ability. For example, if they have a habit of
pushing their tongue so far into your mouth that it becomes uncomfortable, you
might say, “The front of my mouth is really sensitive and that’s where your
tongue feels best to me.”
During the conversation, focus on the single kissing behavior you want changed.
Don’t let the discussion drift into a wider critique of your partner or use this as
an opportunity to “fix” the relationship. If there are other issues that you think
need to be dealt with bring them up in another conversation. Keep this separate.
Don’t create tension around an activity that should draw you closer together.
Finally, let your partner know that you’re open to their input as well. What do
they like about how you kiss? What would they like you to do differently? Let
them know that you’re equally concerned about pleasing them. Make it clear that
they, too, stand to benefit from a relationship where openness about ones likes
and dislikes can be expressed in an honest, respectful way.
Games for Two
At this point let’s broaden out the discussion by assuming that you have a desire
to hone your kissing skills along with your partner. Maybe there’s an issue you
want to work on or maybe there’s no issue at all. It could be that you just want to
make a good thing even better. Of course, one of the best ways to get really
skilled at kissing is to practice often, which is good news since practicing with a
partner and making out are pretty much the same thing. But another way to
sharpen your skills, learn more about your partner’s preferences, and have fun at
the same time is by playing kissing games together.
The sort of games I’ll be talking about here are not the party games that you
might be familiar with from your adolescence. Games like “Spin the Bottle” and
“7 Minutes in Heaven” were all about pairing up two individuals within a group
and “forcing” them to kiss. Following the rules of those games gave the players
a chance to kiss someone new, and, if things went really well, to finally kiss that
one person they secretly had a crush on.
The games in this chapter have a different goal. These games are for two people
who are already a couple, and they provide a way to explore new ways of kissing
in a relaxed, playful atmosphere. Each game can be seen as a little experiment
that encourages us to take our kissing where it has never gone before. The
tendency is to loosen up and get bolder when we play, so that we’re more likely
to try new things. And if something we try doesn’t work, well, so what? That’s
the beauty of play. It’s easy to laugh off an awkward moment when it’s just part
of a silly game. But the things we try that do work and the positive discoveries
that get made in the course of play, those we can keep after the game is over.
(One note of common-sense caution here: Before starting a kissing game, it's a
good idea to set down a few ground rules. These games should not be seen by
either partner as an opportunity to take necking in a direction that the other
person isn't comfortable with. Though someone may take on a role or personality
trait that differs from their norm, they're still responsible for their own actions,
and if the other person asks them to stop a behavior during the game, that's a
request that should always be respected.)
Follow the Leader
Just like the game many of us played as children, the object is to take turns
leading the action while the other player imitates the behavior of the leader. In
this more mature version of the game, it begins with one partner initiating a
series of kisses — the goal is to make them as creative and fun as possible.
While this is going on the person on the receiving end doesn't remain entirely
passive — after all, kisses aren't much fun unless two are playing — but they let
the other person take the lead without trying to move things in a new direction.
When it's time to switch roles, the second person begins their turn by copying
their partner's kisses as closely as they can. Once they've duplicated all their
partner's kisses, they come up with a new series of lip and tongue maneuvers that
their partner will in turn have to duplicate. Things can ping-pong back and forth
like this for as long as both players wish.
This is a great game for encouraging creativity and variety in kisses. The person
who's the leader will soon find that they can't coast or nothing much is going to
happen, and if one partner treats the other to a dazzling series of kisses the
natural tendency is to want to keep up with them when the roles are reversed.
Just like the traditional version of Follow the Leader, it can be fun at times to
inject a certain amount of good-natured competition, challenging each other to
top what's already been done with more creative, passionate or romantic kisses
as things move along.
Depending on how you proceed, this game can become both sexy and funny, not
a bad combination. It can also be a sneaky way to get your partner to kiss you
exactly how you’ve been wanting them to. Just plant that kiss on them first.
When they return the kiss you’ve been waiting for, a contented sigh or some
other sign of approval from you let’s your partner know that you’d like them to
try that move again sometime.
Of course, that goes both ways. Playing this game can also be an opportunity to
learn about your partner's preferences and how they like to be kissed.
Kissing at the Movies
The rules of this game are simple: Watch a movie together that has some
romantic moments in it. Every time there’s a scene that shows the main couple
kissing, observe how they do it, then immediately afterward recreate those kisses
with your partner.
One of the great things about this game is that you can determine the type of
kisses you’ll be giving each other by the movie you select. If you’re in the mood
for soft, romantic kisses, choose that type of movie; for kisses that are more
erotically charged, select something a bit steamier.
If the movie has only one or two kissing scenes, but you’re in the mood for a bit
more lip-time with your partner, you can vary the game by having kissing
“triggers.” For example, if you’re watching regular broadcast TV, you could
agree that every time a commercial break occurs you and your partner must kiss
until the movie comes back on. If you’re not watching a movie that has
commercials in it, there are endless other possible triggers you could use: Kiss
every time the lead character’s name is mentioned, or every time a car is visible
in a scene, or every time the action moves from indoors to outdoors. Whatever is
likely to happen several times in the movie could make a good kissing trigger. If
it’s a movie you haven’t seen before, part of the fun is never quite knowing when
the next kiss is coming.
This is another game that you can use to get your partner to kiss you in ways
they haven’t before. For example, if your partner has a habit of being somewhat
passive and loose-lipped when they kiss you, copying the kissing style of a
movie hero or heroine could get them to shift into a more confident and assertive
mode. Once they’ve had a few of those experiences, tapping into that side of
their own personality may come more naturally.
This game can also create a kind of shorthand for future romantic encounters.
Just mention to your partner that you’re in the mood for a “Top Gun” moment or
one of those “Gone with the Wind” kisses again, and they’ll know exactly what
you mean.
Similitude
The word “similitude” is defined in the dictionary as two things that have similar
qualities. That’s also what this game is about. At the start of the game, a player
gives their partner the name of a person, animal or inanimate object. The partner
must then kiss while taking on the personality of whatever they were given. It
sometimes requires a lot of creativity to “become” that person, animal or object,
but when players really get into the game they can go in some very entertaining
directions. Things can get hysterically funny at times, but there can also be
moments that are genuinely erotic.
For example, what if your partner asks you to kiss them as if you were a cloud?
In this game, objects can be a particular challenge. We’ve observed clouds all
our lives — how on earth does someone kiss like one though? Here’s where a
vivid imagination comes in handy. There’s no right or wrong answer for how to
do it, so just play with the idea and translate your partner’s request into some
sort of action. When thinking about how a cloud could kiss, for instance, you
might imagine rain and wind and choose to lightly brush your moistened lips
across your partner’s skin before blowing warm air over this dampened flesh.
Other examples: If you were to ask your partner to “Kiss me like a snake” it
could inspire some very sly and slithery tongue work on their part; “Kiss me like
Jack Sparrow from the Pirate movies” will likely lead to a few swashbuckling,
over-the-top moves; “Kiss me like a Ferrari” and your partner might hum like a
finely-tuned engine, causing their lips to vibrate pleasantly against yours.
It’s important to remember that the point of the game isn’t to literally act as the
thing named, but to take on some essence of its personality. This is especially
true if the thing that’s named is an animal or inanimate object. For example, if a
player asks their partner to “Kiss me like a lion” they’re obviously not asking to
be mauled and injured (that would be foolish); what they really want is to have
their partner be more decisive or assertive, and maybe throw in a growl or two
while they’re at it.
There will be times when a suggestion requires a player to think very abstractly.
After all, who wants to literally be kissed like a lawn mower? Pretty boring. If a
lawn mower is the object suggested, however, a partner who rolls their tongue
over the other person’s skin as they move up and down their neck might be on to
something. Again, exact mimicry isn’t the goal — the real object of the game is
always to attempt a creative maneuver that might feel good to your partner.
A game like Similitude provides another way to expand the emotional range of
your make-out sessions. For example, if your partner tends to be low-key and
undemonstrative, you could ask them to be like an excited dog that’s greeting its
owner, and let them cover your face with enthusiastic kisses. If your partner is
somewhat aggressive and you’d like to see their gentler side, stay away from
suggesting that they kiss you with the personality of a lion, tiger or bear — pick
something like a kitten or lamb instead. If your partner baulks because your
suggestion seems too tender and unlike their normal take-charge self, well, that’s
the point. Everybody has many sides to their personality, some more hidden than
others. You might remind him (or her) that when it’s their turn to pick something
for you to act out, they can choose a creature that’s feral and untamed. What
goes around comes around.
By the way, you and your partner might want to set a ground rule that real people
can’t be used as a suggestion — only fictional characters and professions
(cowboy, rock star, gymnast, etc.). Asking a partner to kiss like Jack Sparrow or
a pirate is different than asking them to pretend that they're Johnny Depp. You
want to bring out different sides of your partner's personality, not suggest to
them that you’re daydreaming about other people while kissing.
 CHAPTER NINE
Mindful Kissing

IF KISSING WAS only about the mechanics of how the lips fit together and tongues
moved, then far more of us would qualify as superbly gifted at it. But giving and
getting kisses that transcend the routine of everyday existence, kisses that make
us feel that life sometimes has real magic to it, requires something more than
learning not to bump noses. In that moment when lips connect, it takes being
fully present.
For so many people, the complaints they have about their partner's make-out
skills have a familiar ring:
"They rush through everything."
"They're just going through the motions."
"Their mind is always somewhere else."
"It doesn't seem as if there's any real feeling behind their kisses."
When sharing an intimate moment with your partner, the greatest gift you can
give is your full, undivided attention, letting the rest of the world fall away for a
while. That's why there's been a million love songs with a lyric that can be
summarized with this single statement: This moment, and the two of us, is all
there is. That state of being is blissed-out happiness. When you're able to focus
on nothing else but the shared intimacy of a kiss, it sends the experience to a
new level.
Since this is true, why is it difficult for so many of us to achieve this state of
heightened, focused awareness? To really experience life in the moment? Of
course, all of us have an occasional off day when stress or tiredness causes us to
withdraw. But what if feeling disconnected, even from a partner we care about,
is a regular pattern? What if feeling disengaged from life has become our life?
Too Distracted
When you kiss your partner, if you sometimes feel distracted or detached you're
not alone. We live at a fast-paced, hyper-competitive time in our history, where
our individual significance is more and more measured by what we're able to
produce, instead of our intrinsic value as human beings. While this does
sometimes result in achievement, it comes at the price of wide-spread isolation,
stress, and a diminished ability to enjoy the moment. We feel under siege, and
find ourselves constantly worrying about the future, or bemoaning our past
mistakes. Because of this state of distraction, we may find it difficult to take any
pleasure in the only time that actually exists — this moment.
Complicating things further, technology bombards us with images and sounds
that create the illusion of connectedness, but often of a sort that lacks depth or
meaning. Being able to connect instantly to anyone or anything habituates us to
the idea that more and faster are always better. In a sense, modern life trains us
out of our capacity to take things at a natural, human pace. As we substitute an
overabundance of stimulation for deeper bonds with others, many of us find a
sense of dissatisfaction nibbling at the edges of our lives, and a feeling that it's
all passing by without us fully participating. Even when we engage in an act as
simple and elegant as kissing our partner, we find ourselves drifting, our minds
too often slipping into a state of unfocused auto-pilot. We want to be there for
our partner, really be there, but we don't know how.
A Simple Tool for Reconnecting
So is the answer to find a cave far away from the modern world and unplug from
all its conveniences? Probably not. While it's true that the pace and complexity
of modern life has increased the cluttered storm of thought that many of us deal
with daily, for most of us it's not a practical solution to become a hermit or throw
out all of our electronics (although regular mini-vacations away from them can
be healthy).
A better response is to have some tools at our disposal that help us shift gears, so
that we can slow down when we want to and focus our attention on living in the
moment. By using a simple, time-tested technique that's been around for
millennia, we can learn to stay fully engaged with the best parts of our life, and
derive more meaning and pleasure from the experiences that are really important
to us — like sharing an intimate kiss with our partner. That's where the concept
of mindfulness comes in.
What is Mindfulness?
Mindfulness is learning to pay attention to what normally escapes our notice. It's
focusing on Now, and letting our obsessive worries about the past and future
fade. It's not that the past and future cease to exist for us; we simply choose to
put less of our energy there. Studies show that the average person generates
about 60,000 thoughts per day. If that's a surprise, it's because many of our
thoughts are automatic and repetitive. Unfortunately, much of this habitual
parade of thought tends to be negative and directed at ourselves; it does little to
enhance our lives, provide valuable information or solve our problems.
Mindfulness is a way to clear the decks of some of this constant internal chatter
that does little but dilute our experience of life. By clearing away the
distractions, we're able to experience life more intensely. By developing our
ability to concentrate on the present, we learn to make the most of each passing
moment, instead of letting moments slip by only half lived. This is done through
the regular practice of one or more exercises that help us reconnect to our senses,
to our inner experience, and to the world around us.
Mindfulness isn't a difficult concept. In fact, children are experts at it, becoming
fully absorbed in whatever they're doing, and losing track of time as they lose
themselves in play. We're really just trying to recapture a state of being that you
probably spent a great deal of your childhood in.
Even as adults, everybody achieves this state of mindfulness once in a while. It's
sometimes called "flow." This happens when we become fully rapt in an
experience, performing at our best, with every move seemingly effortless and
masterful; when we look up, we discover that hours have passed in what seemed
like only a few intensely pleasurable minutes.
The goal is to make this more than an occasional, accidental state of being, so
that when you kiss (or engage in any other activity), you'll not only enjoy
yourself more, but you'll be at your best and more fully present to your partner.
A Very Practical Practice
Although mindfulness is an ancient practice that has its roots in Buddhism, it is
not some sort of esoteric religious ritual. In fact, it's not dependent on religious
belief at all — an atheist could practice mindfulness with as much success as
someone who is devoted to a religious faith.
Mindfulness is a very practical way of developing our ability to live in the
moment, and increasingly, psychological research is confirming its benefits. In a
recent issue of Psychology Today, the results of an interesting experiment help
illustrate how experiencing mindfulness can have a positive impact on our
emotional resilience and empathy for others.
Researchers at the University of Georgia began the experiment by splitting
volunteers into two groups. Half of the volunteers went through a very simple
mindfulness exercise, slowly eating a raisin while savoring its taste and texture
in their mouth. The second group did not go through a mindfulness exercise.
Afterwards, the volunteers were told that a new group was being formed, and its
members would vote on whether each volunteer would be allowed to join.
Though no vote actually took place, some of the volunteers were told they had
been accepted into the group, while others were told they'd been rejected,
receiving the lowest number of votes. Then, during what the volunteers thought
was an entirely different experiment, they were allowed to choose whether or not
to deliver a painfully loud blast of sound to another person. Among those who
had been voted into the group, it didn't matter whether they had gone through the
mindfulness exercise or not — they chose not to inflict the blast of sound.
But among those who had been rejected there was a remarkable difference.
Volunteers who didn't experience the mindfulness exercise used the horn
aggressively, delivering long, unpleasant blasts to their victim. For volunteers
who had been rejected but had gone through the mindfulness exercise, however,
it was an entirely different story. Instead of blasting another person with noise,
these volunteers were as unwilling to inflict pain as those who had been accepted
into the group. Despite being rejected, their self-esteem remained intact, and
they kept a sense of emotional connection to others.
Lovely, you say, but what does this have to do with kissing? Just this: The
regular practice of mindfulness can help lower the defensive barriers that keep us
feeling alienated from ourselves and separated from others. Achieve that and
your kisses will have greater emotional power behind them. Believe me, your
partner is likely to notice the difference.
Daily Activities as a Mindfulness Practice
As the raisin experiment above suggests, very simple activities can be used as an
opportunity to practice mindfulness. Almost any task or chore, no matter how
mundane, will do. For example, if you're washing dishes, instead of
daydreaming or letting your mind stress over all the housework that needs to get
done, focus on this one experience. Consciously tune into all five of your senses:
sight, smell, taste, touch and hearing. The sound of splashing water and the clink
of silverware, the scent of dish detergent and the fresh smell of grass from an
open window, the feel of a soapy plate in your hand and the warmth of the water.
Instead of being bored by a routine task, let yourself indulge in the simple
animal pleasure of being alive. This full experience of our senses is a way of
grounding ourselves in the reality of the moment. Quite literally, coming to our
senses is the goal of this exercise.
Again, any activity will work, from tending a garden to eating a piece of fruit.
Think of the rich variety of sensory experience to be had while taking a walk.
Instead of plugging into an iPod and tuning out, be in the moment. Imagine this:
What if instead of living in your body for years, you had just received it this
morning, along with the wonderful ability to take in the world through your
senses. Try to bring that fresh perspective and appreciation to the simple act of
strolling through your neighborhood. How many different sounds can you hear?
Birds chirping, wind rustling the leaves, cars in the distance, children at play, a
neighbor's lawnmower, your own footsteps and breath. What do you feel? A
light wind on your face, the internal stretch and movement of muscle as you
walk, the thud of your footsteps on pavement, the brush of pant legs against your
ankle, the air moving in and out of your nostrils. Go through all five senses this
way, and take an inventory of all that you see, smell, taste, touch and hear.
As you do this mindfulness exercise, calmly focus your attention on the activity
at hand. If you find other thoughts and worries intruding, simply notice them
without judging or analyzing, then bring your focus back to the activity you're
engaged in. Distracting, scattered thoughts will inevitably pop up. This is no
reason to get discouraged. That's the way everybody's mind works, even people
who've been at this a while. The value of this exercise doesn't lie in achieving
perfection, but in gently bringing your attention back to your point of focus (in
this case, your senses) each time your mind wanders.
Some days you'll find it easier to stay focused than others. Again, that's true of
everybody no matter how much experience they have. But even on those days
when it seems like your mind is constantly wandering, if you patiently bring
yourself back to your immediate experience each time, you'll achieve more focus
than you would have otherwise and, like a muscle getting exercised, you'll be
developing your ability to stay focused for longer stretches of time in the future.
How long should this exercise last? Just 5 or 10 minutes a day is enough to make
a difference, as long as you commit to a regular practice. As you gain
experience, you may want to increase the length of your practice to 15 or 20
minutes a day. The most important thing is to be consistent. Doing a
mindfulness exercise once or twice won't have any lasting impact. To use the
exercise metaphor again, you start out slow, lifting light weights or running
shorter distances, and gradually build up to a greater capacity. And, like regular
physical exercise, the relatively short amount of time you put in each day,
provides you with benefits that you can carry into the rest of your life.
Kissing Mindfully
Now let's take this back to our main topic. For a moment, picture two people
who have exactly the same level of technical skill when it comes to kissing.
They both know all the right moves. But when the first person kisses his partner,
he remains somewhat distant and unfocused, with a million things on his mind.
When his partner puts out subtle cues many of them get missed. Even though he
knows how to kiss, he's too impatient and tuned out to get the timing right, and
his partner ends up feeling as if she's being kissed by rote. The second person, on
the other hand, is right there with his partner, fully experiencing every moment,
every move he makes flowing naturally from an awareness of his own feelings
and his partner's responses. When he kisses his partner, his focus is on her and
she knows it.
Which experience is more likely to make a person who's being kissed feel that
they're valued by their lover? Whose approach to kissing would be more
pleasurable and exciting for their partner? For most people, the answer is
obvious.
To bring mindfulness into your kissing, remember to open yourself up to your
senses. Slow your kisses down so that you can relish the experience. Take a
moment to look at your partner as if for the first time. Take in the small details
you may not normally notice: the delicate hairs on her arm, the different flecks
of color in his iris. For most of us sight tends to be a dominant sense, so, at
times, close your eyes and focus on your other senses. Notice the slight tug of
their moist lips as you brush across them, the taste of their mouth, the texture of
their skin and the interplay of soft muscle and hard bone under the surface, and
the warmth of their body next to yours. Tap into your partner's experience
through their verbal and nonverbal cues. Listen to your partner's little groans and
sighs, and how their breathing subtly changes when they get excited. Let this
awareness of their feelings merge with your own inner experience. Allow this
sense of connectedness to guide your moves in a natural, organic way that
intensifies the pleasure for both of you.
Sensate Kissing
While becoming more mindful is something you can do on your own, the
experience can be even more powerful if you practice as a couple. The last
exercise I’ll discuss in this chapter, called Sensate Kissing, is designed to help
couples slow down, tap into their senses, and learn more about their partner and
themselves.
Although Sensate Kissing is an exercise, that doesn’t stop it from being fun and
sexy, too. It’s a modified version of a technique called Sensate Focus, which was
developed by sex therapists in the early 1970s to help couples relate better to one
another physically and emotionally.
The benefits of Sensate Kissing don’t require that you have an issue in your
relationship that you’re trying to fix — for anyone interested in exploring the
sensual pleasures of kissing it can be a rewarding experience. The creation of a
relaxed, judgment-free atmosphere helps maximize the fun of being together,
and whatever spine-tingling pleasures you discover along the way can be added
to your make-out repertoire after the exercise is over. Ultimately, when both
partners really get into a Sensate Kissing exercise, it becomes an opportunity to
create a stronger bond through improved communication and a deeper emotional
connection.
During Sensate Kissing a couple makes out, but in a very structured way. Early
in the exercise fairly tight restrictions are placed on what a couple can and can’t
do, but those restrictions are removed one by one as a couple moves through a
series of stages that they’ve worked out ahead of time.
Why bother with restrictions at all? As counter-intuitive as it may seem, the
limits that are imposed during a Sensate Kissing exercise can create a sense of
freedom. The emphasis is on creating authentic, sensual experiences, and
eliminating any pressure to prove ourselves or put on a “show” for our partner.
Both partners are encouraged to tune into their senses during the exercise and
explore kissing and other forms of touch in playful, creative ways that they may
not have experienced before.
The example of a Sensate Kissing exercise that appears below is a good starting
point. It’s divided into six stages that last 20 minutes each, so that the entire
exercise can be completed in a single two hour session. You can follow the
example as written or you can adjust the details in any way that seems
appropriate to you and your partner. You may want to change the time spent at
each stage, adjust what is and isn’t allowed, or break the exercise into several
make-out sessions.
Whatever ground rules you and your partner decide on, try to stick to them
throughout the exercise. Being in such close, intimate proximity to one another
you’ll probably be tempted to skip ahead, but resist this impulse. If you really
use this as an opportunity to develop greater awareness and create new kinds of
experiences, it will pay you bigger dividends in the long run.

The Sensate Kissing Exercise

Prepare for the exercise by creating a romantic environment in a location where
you won’t be interrupted. Shut off any electronic devices. Perhaps light a candle
or two, and play soft, romantic music that you both like. You may want to set a
timer or have a clock nearby to keep track of how much time has passed, but
don’t let it become a distraction. With any of the stages, it’s not a problem if you
go over time, but try not to short change yourself by cutting any of the stages
short.
First Stage (20 minutes)
During this stage:

Partners take turns

No kisses using tongues
No kisses using lips
No kisses below the neck
Focus on your senses and partner’s feedback

During this stage, partners take turns. For example, if you spend 20 minutes
here, for the first 10 minutes one partner initiates all the touching. The other
partner sits or lays back and enjoys the attention while providing feedback about
what feels good. Then partners trade places for the last 10 minutes.
With all the restrictions listed above how is it even possible to kiss? Of course, it
isn’t. But there are lots of other pleasurable ways to touch and this is your
chance to spend time exploring those possibilities. The area around the head and
neck has all sorts of tenderly sensitive flesh that can be brushed, rubbed, nuzzled
and rested against. If your lips do happen to touch your partner as an incidental
result of all this close contact that’s fine, but don’t actively engage them in the
process.
When it’s your turn to do the touching, encourage your partner to provide
feedback about what feels good and what doesn’t. Be responsive to their
feedback, but also create a rich, sensual experience for yourself. This isn’t
usually an either or thing — what you find pleasurable your partner is likely to
enjoy as well and vice versa. (Of course, If your partner expresses discomfort or
unhappiness with a move you make that should always be listened to and
respected.)
Throughout the exercise, increase your awareness by engaging all of your
senses: touch, sight, sound and smell. (Taste is the one sense that probably won’t
come into play right now, but in later stages add it to your list of sensory
pleasures.) Run your hands gently across your partner’s skin, and explore the
areas you find interesting and pleasurable. Take the time to really notice the
different textures and contours: the soft yielding of their lips, the complex curves
and ridges of their outer ear, the silkiness of their hair. Don’t limit yourself to
exploring with just your hands, though. With long, languid movements, lightly
brush your nose, cheeks and chin against the various bony and soft places around
your partner’s head. As you do, take in the slightly musky scent of their skin, the
sigh of air as they exhale, and the moist warmth of their breath. Nestle yourself
against your partner’s neck and luxuriate in its comforting warmth and the pulse
of life just below the surface.
Keep in mind that in the early stages of this exercise the goal is not to turn each
other on. Of course, you may get turned on anyways, and that’s okay, but it
should happen as a natural outcome of being close to one another, not as a
conscious goal that you’re trying to achieve. Why? Because it’s much harder to
lose yourself in an experience when you’re focused on some beyond-the-
moment goal. By giving yourself permission to tune into the present, without
any other object or pressure interfering with your focus, you’ll find it easier to
share authentic, significant moments with your partner. When you develop a
greater awareness of your senses during close contact like this it provides a way
to anchor yourself in the present, a skill that you can continue to use after the
exercise is over.
Second Stage (20 minutes)
During this stage:

Partners take turns

May kiss using lips
No lips touching lips
No kisses using tongues
No kisses below the neck
Focus on your senses and partner’s feedback

At this stage, partners again take turns touching each other. Continue doing
everything that you and your partner enjoyed during the first stage, but now also
use your lips to explore from the top of your partner’s head to the base of their
neck. As you kiss your partner the only location that’s off limits is their lips.
Instead, give your full attention to all the places that might get overlooked when
your partner’s lips are available.
Stage Three (20 minutes)
During this stage:

Mutual contact between partners

Both partners provide feedback
May kiss partner’s lips
No kisses using tongues
No kisses below the neck
Focus on your senses and partner’s feedback

From this stage on contact is mutual with both partners fully participating at the
same time. While touching each other, both should provide feedback about what
they find pleasurable. Continue doing everything that you and your partner
enjoyed during the earlier stages, but now include kisses to the lips as well. Still
no tongues, though.
Stage Four (20 minutes)
During this stage:

Mutual contact between partners

Both partners provide feedback
May kiss using tongues
No deep French Kissing
No kisses below the neck
Focus on your senses and partner’s feedback

Continue doing everything that you and your partner enjoyed during the earlier
stages, but now bring your tongue into the action when you kiss your partner’s
face and neck. At this stage, however, deep French Kisses are still off limits.
Tongues can touch, but only as much of the tip as you can comfortably extend
outside of the mouth.
Stage Five (20 minutes)
During this stage:

Mutual contact between partners

May explore inside partner’s mouth with tongue
No kisses below the neck
Focus on your senses and partner’s feedback

Continue doing everything that you and your partner enjoyed during the earlier
stages, but now tongues can be used to explore inside each other’s mouth as
well.
Stage Six (20 minutes)
During this stage:

Back to pre-exercise level of intimacy

Focus on your senses and partner’s feedback

Continue doing everything that you and your partner enjoyed during the earlier
stages, but now you can also add in any intimate activities that were part of your
relationship prior to the exercise.
If You Want To Know More
The goal of this one, short chapter on mindfulness isn't to turn you into an
expert, but to get you started on the path to kissing with greater awareness and
pleasure. I've only scratched the surface of the topic here, but even this basic
information on mindfulness is enough to bring about very positive changes in the
way a person kisses their partner.
If you’re interested in exploring the concept of mindfulness further, there are
many excellent books and websites devoted to the topic. The book “Wherever
You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation In Everyday Life” is a good
place to begin, written by medical professor Jon Kabat-Zinn in a clear, user-
friendly style.
A Few Final Thoughts….
Kissing is a simple act filled with meaning and possibility. At its best it can bond
us to another human being as few other experiences can. That’s because when
two people kiss it's not just two pairs of lips connecting. Not if it’s a great kiss.
Pressing our lips to another person isn’t just a sideshow on the way to the main
event. It is a main event in itself. It is one of life’s great pleasures. Approach
kissing with that attitude and you’ll be able to create the sort of experience that
you and your partner both deserve. Enjoy.