AFRAID TO HAVE SEX?

If you're a woman or the partner of a woman who's afraid to make love, then I'm glad you've got in touch.
It is very difficult to imagine happy and pleasurable intercourse until you have experienced it. It can be
particularly difficult for girls. To start with, their sexual parts are hidden away from their gaze, whereas a
boy's are mostly very much in view, and he is familiar with them from his earliest infancy. If a girl’s family
was fairly anxious about intimacy and sexuality, she may early have learned to think of that area of her
body as being "dirty". Parents anxious to protect their daughter may have made the whole subject of sex
one which is clouded by guilt and doubts. All this conditioning can make it almost impossible for a woman
to respond to her body's sexual signals, or to think of future sexual activity with anything but dread.

But a girl may be afraid of sex for many other reasons. It may be conditioning, but she may be afraid of sex
simply because she’s not ready for it or she’s not with the right partner. She may feel pressured into sex
just because friends say they are having sex, or a boyfriend is trying to talk her into it.

Well, to start with, those friends may be exaggerating or, if they are having sex, they may not be enjoying it
as much as they pretend. For the overwhelming majority of women, sex is not really pleasurable unless it
is part of a deep, loving and mature relationship. It is illegal to have sex with anyone under 16, but most
girls are not emotionally ready for sex, nor have they formed the right type of relationship until a good
while after that. You should never feel you should have sex just because your friends are.

No boy or man who really loves a girl will try to persuade her to have sex until she really wants to. If you’re
a girl in this situation and your boyfriend is trying to blackmail you into having sex by saying that he will
leave you if you don't, then you can take that as a definite sign that he doesn't love you or care about you
deeply, and will soon leave you anyway.

However, if you know that your relationship is right - perhaps you're even married - but though you're in
love you can't bring yourself to have sex, then it could be that the man’s knowledge of what turns a woman
on is more limited than he realises. Some men still think that a woman's sexuality is centred in her vagina,
but this actually has few nerve endings compared with the clitoris, which lies just in front of the vagina.
Also it usually takes a young woman something like four or five times as long as a young man to get sexually
aroused. A man shouldn't attempt intercourse until he's sure that his partner is ready. This will usually be
after lots of sensitive, loving foreplay. If you think the problem could be the way you make love, my free
leaflet How to have great sex will help.

If the man is doing everything possible to arouse the woman but her body doesn't seem to respond, she
may be suffering from vaginismus. It is not that her vagina is too small, or her partner too big, but the wall
of muscle around the vagina stays clamped shut in a firm NO.

The opening to the vagina is surrounded by very strong muscles. When a woman is sexually aroused, these
muscles relax and the vagina balloons out. A woman can't be made too small to make love. The vagina can
expand to allow a baby's head to pass through, so there's no question of it being too narrow for
intercourse. However, if the woman is afraid of intercourse, or not fully aroused, then the muscles around
the vagina may still be in a tight ring, and intercourse will either be painful or impossible.
Afraid to have sex?3

There are exercises to help a woman begin to get in touch with her body's signals of sexual pleasure. First

you and your partner must accept the rule that there will be no intercourse - at least for a while so that you
feel free to enjoy the sensation without pressure. At first you concentrate on your discovering what you
find pleasurable and arousing sexually. In the bath or in bed, massage and touch yourself all over, using
cream, oil or body lotion so that your hands glide smoothly. Do this regularly and, when that feels
comfortable, move onto the more sexually exciting parts of your body. Don't be afraid. Touch and stroke
your breasts, your nipples. Explore your genital area. Find the clitoris - the peak of sensitive tissue in front
of the vagina. Women vary in what arouses them to orgasm. Some climax when their nipples or other
sensitive parts of their body are touched but for most women stimulation of the clitoris is essential. Try
stroking or rubbing it or the area around it, in different ways, simply doing what feels more pleasurable or
exciting. When you have an orgasm the muscles of the pelvic floor rhythmically contract and relax. It may
feel like throbbing in the vagina. The intensity varies widely, as I've mentioned but it certainly should feel
pleasurable.

Try slipping a finger into your vagina. If you lie back with your knees apart in the air and bend your
forefinger back and up slightly, it should slip in easily, and you may be surprised to find how roomy it is in
there. Next time, try two fingers, even three. Only when all this feels comfortable and relaxed should you
start sharing this with your partner. Repeat the whole process involving him, but still no intercourse. It is
crucial the man understands that he must make no move without his partner saying that is what she wants
and is ready for. No rushing!

When you feel you are ready to make love, the woman should take the position on top, so that she can feel
in control of what happens. You should both go very gently. The opening of the vagina may be partly
covered by the hymen which usually gets stretched during first-time sex. No matter what you've heard,
provided this is gentle and loving, and the woman is properly aroused, this isn't painful, though it may be a
little uncomfortable the first time.

If you would like my free leaflets How to have great sex or Self-help for stress, let me know, especially if this
problem has been bothering you for some time. You might best be helped by guided sex therapy.
If you think you need expert help GPs vary as to how knowledgeable they are at helping with sexual
difficulties, but your GP can refer you for expert treatment. Some GPs have specialist training from the
Institute of Psychosexual Medicine, and you can ask the Institute for details of those near you
(www.ipm.org.uk, 020 7580 0631). Most psychosexual medicine services are based in the community,
usually attached to family planning services, but some hospital genito-urinary medicine or GUM clinics -
often called the special clinic – can help with this sort of problem. Treatment is totally confidential and you
can usually refer yourself without having to go through your GP, which can be an advantage. It’s certainly
always worth asking.

If you can afford private treatment, you can ask your GP to refer you to a private specialist. This is usually a
better route to a reputable specialist than responding to an advertisement for a private sex clinic, or
contact the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (www.cosrt.org.uk, 020 8543 2707). You can also
get advice from the Sexual Advice Association on (www.sexualadviceassociation.co.uk, 020 7486 7262).
Under 25s can get free help on sex-related issues through Brook (www.brook.org.uk).

If tensions in your relationship with your partner or in other areas of your life are getting in the way of your
improving the quality of your love life, they can be relieved by talking about them, and if necessary getting
the skilled help of a counsellor. Reliable counselling for relationship issues is available through Relate who
help online, over the phone and face-to-face (www.relate.org.uk). They can also refer you for a course of a
Afraid to have sex?3
sex therapy.  Tavistock Relationships are based in London but you can also access their reputable
counselling online (www.tavistockrelationships.org).  In Scotland contact Relationships Scotland
(www.relationships-scotland.org.uk, 0345 119 2020) and in Northern Ireland contact Relate NI
(www.relateni.org, 028 9032 3454). In the Republic of Ireland ACCORD - Catholic Marriage Counselling
Service – offer marriage counselling services to couples or individuals, and marital sex
therapy/psychosexual counselling is available at key locations (www.accord.ie, 01505 3112).

Another reliable route to find counselling is the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy who
can give you details of qualified counsellors and therapists near you (www.bacp.co.uk, 01455 883300). You
can also obtain details of psychotherapists working near you through your GP (and you may then be able to
get a referral on the NHS) or by contacting the British Psychotherapy Foundation
(www.britishpsychotherapyfoundation.org.uk, 020 8452 9823). UKCP - United Kingdom Council for
Psychotherapy - holds a national register of psychotherapists and psychotherapeutic counsellors who meet
exacting standards and training requirements (www.psychotherapy.org.uk, 020 7014 9955)

Anyone under 25 can contact The Mix who help online and over the phone as well as putting people in
touch with suitable face-to-face counselling if need be (www.themix.org.uk, 0808 808 4994).”

I hope you’ve found this useful. I try to check the information in my leaflets regularly but please let me
know if you find anything is out of date.

I hope you’ve found this useful. If you would like more support, please email [email protected],
message me on my Dear Deidre official Facebook page or write enclosing a stamped self-addressed
envelope to Dear Deidre, THE SUN, London, SE1 9GF.

© Deidre Sanders

While I make every effort to ensure the advice and information I provide is accurate and up to date, my service cannot be a
substitute for consulting your own doctor, solicitor or a face-to-face counsellor when needed. I cannot be held responsible or
liable for claims arising out of our correspondence, nor if I have been misled about the facts and circumstances.

19 June 2020

S68L