Officer Krupke

Name:
OFFICER KRUPKE WEST SIDE STORY

Krupke, Arab, Action, Baby John, Diesel
KRUPKE
[offstage] Hey, you two!
A-RAB
Play it big with the baby blues.
BABY JOHN
[scared] OK.
A-RAB
[gripping him] Big, not scare, big! [Again a whistle. Elaborately casual, they start
sauntering off as Krupke appears.]
KRUPKE
Yeah, you. [They stop, so surprised.]
A-RAB
Why, it is Officer Krupke, Baby John.
BABY JOHN
[quaking] Top of the evening, Officer Krupke.
KRUPKE
I'll crack the top of your skulls if you punks don't stop when Iwhistle.
A-RAB
But we stopped the very moment we heard.
BABY JOHN
We got twenty-twenty hearing.
KRUPKE
You wanna get hauled down to the station house?
BABY JOHN
Indeed not, sir.
KRUPKE
I'll make a little deal. I know you was rumblin' under the highway-
BABY JOHN
We was at the playground, sir.
A-RAB
We like the playground. It keeps us deprived kids off the foul streets.
BABY JOHN
It gives us comradeship-
A-RAB
A place for pleasant pastimes-And for us, born like we was on the hot pavements-
KRUPKE
OK, wise apples, down to the station house.
BABY JOHN
Which way?
A-RAB
This way! [He gets down on all fours, Baby John pushes Krupke, so that he tumbles over
A-rab. Baby John pushes Krupke, so that he tumbles over A-rab. Baby John starts off one
way, A-rab the other. Krupke hesitates, then runs after one of them, blowing his whistle
like mad. The moment he is off, A-rab and Baby John appear through the fence,
followed by the other Jets.] Look at the brass-ass run!
Name:
BABY JOHN
I hope he breaks it!
ACTION
Get the lead out, fat boy!
DIESEL
Easy. He'll come back and drag us down the station house.
ACTION
I already been.
DIESEL
We both already been.
A-RAB
What happened?
DIESEL
A bit fat nuthin'!
A-RAB
How come?
DIESEL
Cops believe everythin' they read in the papers.
ACTION
To them we ain't human. We're cruddy juvenile delinquents. So that's what we give 'em.
DIESEL
[imitating Krupke] Hey, you!
ACTION
Me, Officer Krupke?
DIESEL
Yeah, you! Gimme one good reason for not draggin' ya down the station house, ya punk.
OFFICER KRUPKE SONG

ACTION
Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke,

You gotta understand,
It's just our bringin' up-ke
That gets us out of hand.
Our mothers all are junkies,
Our fathers all are drunks.
ALL
Golly Moses, natcherly we're punks!

Gee, Officer Krupke, we're very upset;
We never had the love that every child oughta get.
We ain't no delinquents,
We're misunderstood.
Deep down inside us there is good!
ACTION
There is good!
ALL
There is good, there is good,

There is untapped good.
Like inside, the worst of us is good.
DIESEL
[imitating Krupke]
Name:
That's a touchin' good story.

ACTION
Lemme tell it to the world!
DIESEL
[imitating Krupke]
Just tell it to the judge.
ACTION
[to Diesel]
Dear kindly Judge, your Honor,
My parents treat me rough.
With all their marijuana,
They won't give me a puff.
They didn't wanna have me,
But somehow I was had.
Leapin' lizards, that's why I'm so bad!
DIESEL
[imitating a judge]
Right!
Officer Krupke, you're really a square;
This boy don't need a judge, he needs an
analyst's care!
It's just his neurosis that oughta be curbed.
He's psychologic'ly disturbed!
ACTION
I'm disturbed!
ALL
We're disturbed, we're disturbed,

We're the most disturbed,
Like we're psychologic'ly disturbed.
DIESEL
[speaks, still acting part of the judge]

Hear ye, Hear ye! In the opinion of this court, this child
is depraved on account he ain't had a
normal home.
ACTION
Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm

deprived!
DIESEL
[as Judge]
So take him to a headshrinker.
ACTION
My father is a bastard,
My ma's an S.O.B.
My grandpa's always plastered,
My grandma pushes tea.
My sister wears a mustache,
My brother wears a dress.
Goodness gracious, that's why I'm a mess!
A-RAB
[as psychiatrist]
Yes!
Name:
Officer Krupke, you're really a slob.

This boy don't need a doctor, just a good honest job.
Society's played him a terrible trick,
And sociologically he's sick!
ACTION
I am sick!
ALL
We are sick, we are sick,

We are sick sick sick,
Like we're sociologically sick!
A-RAB
[speaks as psychiatrist]
In my opinion, this child don't need
to have his head shrunk at all. Juvenile
delinquency is purely a social disease!
ACTION
Hey, I got a social disease!
A-RAB
[as psychiatrist]
So take him to a social worker!
ACTION
[to Baby John]

Dear kindly social worker,
They say go earn a buck,
Like be a soda jerker,
Which means like be a schmuck.
It's not I'm anti-social,
I'm only anti-work.
Glory Osky, that's why I'm a jerk!
BABY JOHN
[as a female social workers]

Eek!
Officer Krupke, you've done it again.
This boy don't need a job, he needs a year in the pen.
It ain't just a question of misunderstood;
Deep down inside him, he's no good!
ACTION
I'm no good!
ALL
We're no good, we're no good,

We're no earthly good,
Like the best of us is no damn good!
DIESEL
[as judge]
The trouble is he's crazy,
A-RAB
[as psychiatrist]
The trouble is he drinks.
BABY JOHN
[as social worker]

The trouble is he's lazy.
Name:
DIESEL
[as judge]
The trouble is he stinks.
A-RAB
[as psychiatrist]
The trouble is he's grown.
BABY JOHN
[as social worker]

The trouble is he's grown.
ALL
Krupke, we got troubles of our own!

Gee, Officer Krupke,
We're down on our knees,
'Cause no one wants a fella with a social disease
What are we to do?
Krup you!
Name:
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OFFICER KRUPKE WEST SIDE STORY

[offstage] Hey, you two!

Play it big with the baby blues.

Yeah, you. [They stop, so surprised.]

Why, it is Officer Krupke, Baby John.

[quaking] Top of the evening, Officer Krupke.

But we stopped the very moment we heard.

We got twenty-twenty hearing.

You wanna get hauled down to the station house?

Indeed not, sir.

We was at the playground, sir.

OK, wise apples, down to the station house.

I hope he breaks it!

Get the lead out, fat boy!

We both already been.

A bit fat nuthin'!

Cops believe everythin' they read in the papers.

[imitating Krupke] Hey, you!

Me, Officer Krupke?

OFFICER KRUPKE SONG

Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke,

Golly Moses, natcherly we're punks!

There is good, there is good,

That's a touchin' good story.

Lemme tell it to the world!

We're disturbed, we're disturbed,

[speaks, still acting part of the judge]

Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm

Officer Krupke, you're really a slob.

We are sick, we are sick,

Hey, I got a social disease!

[to Baby John]

[as a female social workers]

We're no good, we're no good,

[as social worker]

[as social worker]

Krupke, we got troubles of our own!

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