Being a Challenge to Women (&

REALLY Turning Them On)

By Chase on Tuesday, 8 January 2013
Female Mind
Investment
Pickup
Back on the article about gym pickup, The Tool (one of ourforum members as
well) commented in asking about ways he could meet girls in the gym as a
member of the staff, without overstepping professional boundaries:
It was 8 am and this girl wanted to Tan and she had another hour before she
could tan (24 hour law) so she begged and i told her to wait another hour, she
stayed in the locker room and came out an hour later, she asked If she could tan
yet, I told her 5 more minutes and asked her "so what brings you to the gym this
early on a saturday? working out before work or to flirt with the guy at the
front desk? She said Haha I am not. I said "you totally are and now your lieing
about it...jeeze." she said haha I guess I am. anyway jist of it I deepdived a bit
and got her digits saying your a cool girl we should get some coffee sometime.
she said sure and baddabing.

Anyway as a staff member things like this are risky for I can lose my job if it
was ever found out or I made it awkward for a girl. So would you advise that
those guys who are in fact the staff not try to pick up girls at their own gym?
My advice to The Tool was to use barriers to get these girls chasing him; it was,
in effect, this: be a challenge to women.

In the article excerpt from my eBook entitled "How to Challenge Women," I
discussed why you want to be challenging women, how it helps you, and what
the potential risks are if you take it too far. And I offered a few strategies from the
book on notbeing too little of a challenge.
But what about reallybeing a challenge to women? Is it possible to use
conversation and communication to set things up so that women are pursuing
you, regardless of whether they were or weren't at first?
Sure, it's absolutely possible.
And, it's a heck of a lot easier than you might think.


"Why does she keep going for guys who don't treat her right?" says the nice guy
to his friend, struggling to understand why that girl he likes keeps falling for bad
boys despite the fact that he's right there and would gladly give her everything
she says she wants. "Why can't she see I'd do ANYTHING for her? I'd give her
exactly what she says she wants!"
My guess is that anywhere from 60% to 80% of men in the Western world fall into
the "nice guy" category these days. These are the men who'd happily do
whatever it is women wanted to be with them - if only they could figure out what
women wanted!
But they can't. So, they just keep trying to do EVERYTHING for women, and
being confounded when women choose someone else over them.
But women don't want a man who'll do everything for them.
Quite to the contrary.
Women want men that they must work for.
To quote Bogg's and Ray's research on "The Heterosexual Appeal of Socially
Marginal Men" again:
Surveyed women consistently specify preferences for egalitarian dates and/or
mates. A common perception is that many of these same women often select
consorts who are inscrutable, assertive, and controlling, ultimately bemoaning
their choices. Dominance has been experimentally shown to provide initial
attraction advantages. The Byronic Hero, a venerable literary model, embraces
protagonists who possess extraordinary masculine traits that include
dominance but also multiple personal flaws. Byronic Heroes, easily identified
and plentiful in popular fiction, appear strongly to resonate with youthful
audiences and provide alluring portrayals of heterosexual relations. In a
classroom survey employing slide images of paired apparel models and a blind
date scenario, collegiate women slightly but significantly preferred
models independently judged to project Byronic traits over equally
handsome men who appeared affable and conventional. Subject
comments on Byronic models uniquely included allusions to sexual and
mysterious/rebellious attributes. It was concluded that projections of
Byronic masculinity provide initial advantages in the securing of
heterosexual liaisons.
Even sitting in a classroom, without having so much as metthe men, only looking
at imagesof them, women still rated as more attractive the men with the bad boy-
esque "flaws" than the equally attractive "flawless" men.
Why? Why is imperfectrated as more perfect than perfect?
If you ask me, there's onereason, and one reason only:
Attainability.

Attainability, Value, and Attraction
Think of attainability as a lens through which your value is viewed:
Too much attainability, and your value becomes too easy to see, and
thus not very exciting. There's no novelty of discovering anything new, and a girl
can easily reach in and grab whatever she wants. There's no challenge.
Too little attainability, and your value becomes too murky, as if you've
intentionally obfuscated it. She feels like you're playing with her, or out of her
league. You're too unattainable, and she auto-rejects.
J ust right attainability, and she can see enough of your value to feel
like you aren't toying around with her, and enough to intrigue her, but there's also
enough murkiness on the lens that she can't really see anything, and now she's
struggling to wipe away the murk. She's curious; her interest is piqued. She feels
like she can get what's behind that lens, but she needs to know what that is, first.
Now she's interested... she's desirous... and she's in pursuit.
Obviously, it'd be much better if your attainability isn't too high (no challenge),
and isn't too low (auto-rejection), but instead is just right (the perfect balance of
attainable and challenging).
And these men with Byronic traits tend to be exactly that.
If you had to put each of the following three boxes from above, who'd go in which
box?
Kyle, a great guy who goes out of his way to do whatever women ask of him. He
drives female friends around town, helps them with their projects, and is ready for
dinner, parties, or going out on a moment's notice. Kyle frequently finds himself
wishing he had more success with women, but he believes that if he just keeps
spending time around them and being as helpful as possible, at some point
he's bound to start finding success.
Clive, a perfect example of an all-around great guy. Clive's in great shape, he's
friendly, smart, charming, fun, and straightforward. He's one of those guys you
feel like Mother Nature blessed with unfair advantages in just about every
department. Clive doesn't have any great hidden secrets or a "damaged soul;"
his life, rather, is an open book, and he's happy to let anyone who wants to read
it.
Flip, an attractive guy with a checkered past. Flip's perhaps not what you'd
consider naturally good looking, but he has a certain edge about him that you
notice the moment you first meet him. Flip has his own rugged style about him,
an air of devil may care, and a tendency to shrug off insults, challengers, and
those wishing him ill-will like beads of sweat. Flip's developed charisma about
himself over the years, and when he steps in the room everyone notices - and
wonders what, exactly, his story is.
That's right - Kyle's the nice guy who's too attainable and no challenge for
women at all.
Clive's the guy who's too good to be true and out of the leagues of most girls.
He's also not all that interesting, mysterious, or captivating, so he paradoxically
struggles to be seen as a lover despite his laundry list of good qualities.
Flip, on the other hand, is just right; he's attractive enough that women want
to get to know more about him, mysterious enough that they never really feel
they've found out everything there is of interest about him, and just attainable
enough, due to his flaws and vulnerabilities, that girls feel like they can get him.
Here's this perfectly imperfect man, with imperfections that must be overcome.
The girl needs to "save" this guy from his checkered past and his flaws.
He's the bad boy that nice guys sit there and fume over the girls going crazy for.

Working for Love
We know that women want men they have
to work for. And they need men who are in
that "just right" range of attainability that
puts men almost out of reach... but not
quite.
A big part of being maximally attractive
to women is being just attainable
enough.
That is to say, you want to be an achievable
goal to women (and not completely out of a
girl's league), while still being a challenge to
women enough that it doesn't feel like a
shoe-in to get you.
Why do women value men they have to
work for more highly? In fact, it's true of
ALL humans (and mammals, for that
matter): the harder we have to work for
something, generally speaking, the more
highly we value it.
Imagine I showed you into my house and pointed out two coffee mugs sitting
there on a cabinet overlooking the den. One mug, I explained, I'd spent years
scouring shops and listings for in vain, before finally having a friend locate one
for me in a remote part of Canada. I'd had it shipped out here from there. The
other mug, I told you, I'd won at a raffle at some party I'd gone to.
Which mug would you assume is more valuable? Almost certainly the first,
right?
Yet, I haven't told you anything about either mug's value. I haven't said what
they're made of, if they have any special designs, what their retail market prices
are. You just know that one mug I worked really hard for, and the other I
didn't, and you assume the one I worked hard for must be a lot more valuable.
The amount of effort put into attaining something factors in directly to how high
we calculate its value.
This is why, among collector's objects (coins, stamps, trading cards, etc.), the
most valuable items are quite often the rarest objects. It isn't any special property
of the object itself that makes it so valuable... it's the level of difficulty in acquiring
it.
Same deal with your value as a man. If there are a million other nice guys in town
just like you... that makes you not so rare.
But if you're the Byronic male, attractive but flawed, rare and difficult to get,
preselected and competed over by women... suddenly you start to look a lot
more valuable.
So how do you start being a challenge to women and getting them working to
acquire you? How do you know how to challenge enough, and when you've
challenged too much? And what do you say - and do - to make yourself into that
kind of challenge women want so much?


To be a proper challenge to women, you need a handful of things:
1. To be able to read whether a woman sees you as too much or too little challenge
2. To be able to both pull away and push ahead
3. To be able to inspire women to chase
I'm going to cover each of these sections below.

Reading Your Attainability
If you start dialing down how much of a challenge you are when you already
aren't much of a challenge, you're going to shoot yourself in the foot nice guy
style by making yourself far too attainable (and far too uninteresting).
On the other hand, if you start ratcheting up how challenging you are when you
already seem largely out of reach, you're going to throw girls into auto-rejection
and soon find out what "bitterness" tastes like coming from women scorned.
Thus, one of the most important abilities for being able to challenge women
properly is the ability to read where your attainability is at with any given
girl.
Can't you just learn the right things to say and do and say and do those same
things with every girl and you'll be fine?
No... because every woman you meet is going to view you differently and place
you somewhere else on her sliding scale of attainability.
For instance:
You might meet some ugly girl out at a bar, and she considers you way out of her
league, auto-rejects before you even say hello, and the moment you start talking
to her she treats you like the scum of the Earth.
Next, you may meet some beautifulgirl, who also considers you out of her
league, and she acts cold and aloof, fearing rejection.
After her, you meet an ordinary girl surrounded by loads of male fans and friends,
and she sees you and automatically pegs you in her mind as another probable
fan, and immediately writes you off as "no challenge." She's very nice and polite
to you, because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings - after all, it must suck
never being able to be with someone as amazing as her.
Right there alone, you have two women whose league you're out of - one ugly,
and one beautiful - and one who thinks she's out of YOUR league - an ordinary
girl with a lot of "just friends" male worshippers and emotional validators.
And you can't go just off of looks, or any other characteristic - one girl might think
you're out of her league, and the next girl who looks exactly like her may think
you don't have a shot in hell with her, while the next girl after thatwho looks
exactly like those first two girls may think you're just perfect for her.
You can't go off appearances. You need to be able to read and adjust on the
fly.
How do you read attainability? You look for:
Aloofness: if women are acting distant and uninterested to you.
Compliance: if women are complying when you ask for investment.
Enthusiasm: if women are acting excited and interested to be talking to you.
Rudeness: if women are acting spiteful and catty toward you.
If you need to remember those when you're out meeting women, just think
"ACER" - aloofness, compliance, enthusiasm, rudeness.
Aloofness is bad (you want less of it), compliance is good (you want more of it),
enthusiasm is good (you want more of it), and rudeness is bad (you want less of
it).
How do you know where your attainability falls with any given girl? Use ACER. If
a girl is:
Aloof +
Compliant -
Enthusiastic -
Rude +
... she's in auto-rejection or close to it, and you seem unattainable.
If she's:
Aloof -
Compliant -
Enthusiastic -
Rude -
... you're in "no challenge" land and in real danger of entering thefriend zone.
If she's:
Aloof -
Compliant +
Enthusiastic +
Rude -
... you're exactly where you need to be with her, where she's neither aloof nor
rude, but IS both compliant and enthusiastic about being with you and talking
with you.

Being a Challenge to Women (and Being Less of One)
Once you know where you stand on attainability, you've either got to be more of
a challenge... or less of one.
So:
If your attainability could use a little reducing, be a challenge
If your attainability needs to be boosted, be less of a challenge
If your attainability is perfect, keep doing what you're doing
Much of the time, your attainability is going to be a little off, since you're
approaching women and that's an uncommon thing to do. The very nature of
approaching means you're going out on a limb and making it clear that
you're interested; you may come across as the one who's chasing, or you
may come across as someone who doesn't see her as a human being and
merely as a sex object.
It's common to approach women and have them be somewhat aloof at first. This
is actually auto-rejection, not no-challenge. They don't know you from Jack,
assume you're just another guy who doesn't care about them and is only trying to
get in their pants, and feel disgusted thinking how impersonally you're treating
them.
So, you respond by being equally aloof - you:
Act aloof not long after opening / you slow open
Give girls the bored look when they act aloof
Don't chase and don't get involved
This is not how normal men behave after the approach, and it intrigues most
women into wondering if you aren't actually different. They'll begin viewing you as
a person and not some stereotypical man who's chasing sex, and your
attainability goes up.
They begin to warm up to you and ask you questions and show interest.
What about the opposite though? The girl you approach who's NOT rude or
aloof, but also doesn't seem super excited to talk to you and doesn't give you
investment when you ask for it? This girl views you as not very challenging,
for whatever reason.
Could be the case you came in too energetic and not adhering to the Law of
Least Effort. Could be you came across as nervous or overly friendly or not a
very sexy man.
It's worth knowing the "why" for training and perfecting purposes, but for
immediate purposes of troubleshooting attainability, it doesn't matter. All that
DOES matter is that you start being a challenge with this girl.
Acting aloof here doesn't work very well. When you try being aloof with a girl who
already sees you as "no challenge," it doesn't inspire chasing; it gets viewed as
"cute" or "pouty."
Instead, you must be directly challenging, e.g.:
Deep diving her and getting rapidly to core issues you can get her qualifying
herself on (see: "What Does She Want? The 8 Things You Must Ask Her")
Chase framing her, setting up sexual frames, and positioning things so that
she's the one who's doing the chasing
Compliance stacking and finding ways to get her investing, even if it's very
small amounts, and escalating that investment until you are moving her around
and getting higher levels of investment out of her
You can best think of it this way:
When a girl is cool, rude, and/or aloof with you, tone it
down with her, be calm, minimize investment, and get her comfortable around
you with you being very chill, relaxed, and not pressuring her or asking for
anything out of her at all to let your attainability rebound. Think of this as "taking
the pressure off."
When a girl is friendly, uninterested, and/or nice with
you, turn up the heat, get more demanding with her, really grill and probe her
on her background, dreams, and motivations, suggest that she's pursuing you,
and escalate investment from her to shift yourself out of being too attainable.
Think of this as "putting the pressure on."
You can use these challenge "gear shifts" to rapidly change how women see you
and make them alter their perceptions of your attainability and how difficult it is to
get what they want from you.

Inspiring Women to Chase
Once you've repaired attainability and you've got women feeling like you're just
within reach, how do you then get them pursuing you?
The secret is being a challenge to women in a few specific ways that encourage
them to chase.
Our three tools for doing this are:
1. Using barriers
2. Creating scarcity
3. Applying time limits
They work as follows:

#1: Using Barriers
A "barrier," in seduction terminology, is a
not-insurmountable obstacle that you
employ to get women to pursue you. These
are best used when you're in a situation
that it's easier for the woman to deal with
herself.
For instance, you might be invite a girl
home, but she's surrounded by friends and
you know if you ask her plainly and simply
to accompany you back, it's going to be a
problem. So, instead of doing so, you say:
You know, I'd really love to invite you
somewhere alone with me where it'd be just
the two of us, and we could have drinks and
talk and hang out just us. It's too bad all
your friends are around.
What this does is to:
Tell her what you'd like to do to her / with
her
Set a barrier up that stands in the way of this happening
Communicate to her exactly what she needs to do to make it happen
This is far more effective than simply saying, "I'd like to take you home," because
it follows up with, "But I can't," then gives the girl an action to take if she'd like to
make it happen.
If she takes that action, and finds a way for the two of you to leave together
despite her friends (in this example), she's buying in and committing to what
the two of you will do together.
Then, no longer is this simply what YOU want to do... but it's what BOTH of you
want to do.
Obviously, you need well-balanced attainability mixed with attraction and a fair
amount of investment already for barriers to work- they won't inspire women to
action early on when they're still on the fence about you. Girls need to be excited
about and ready to take whatever the next step proposed by the barrier is in
order to take it.

#2: Creating Scarcity
Creating scarcity is best done by contrasting yourself with others.
You never want to insultother men or other people, or it looks like you're trying to
take out the competition; but a few offhand remarks like, "Most guys are weak,"
or, "Most people don't really know what they want," allow women to more clearly
recognize the things about you that set you apart.
Of course, this only works if these traits actually set you apart. If you say,
"Most guys are weak," but you don't exactly seem the pinnacle of strength and
dominance yourself, well, she's going to shrug her eyebrows as if to say, "Huh?"
But if you actually are the opposite of the trait you point most people out as
having, women recognize this and instantly become a lot more aware of your
scarcity.
You can show how impressive you are night and day, but if you never point it out
by contrasting it with what almost everyone else is doing and being, the contrast
never fully registers.
Make it register by making a few points.
(Obviously, if your whole conversation is, "Most people are this," and, "Most
people are that," you're going to wear that one out pretty fast. Use it sparingly to
get the right level of contrast running without overdoing it)

#3: Applying Time Limits
Anything that reduces your availability or the probably time window a girl thinks
she has to land you works here.
Most men try to make themselves infinitely available to women. "I will be right
here, waiting for you!" go the song lyrics. A lot of popular music contain lyrics like
that. The guy's so reliable that he's just going to WAIT for her... how romantic!
Your lyrics will be more like, "Take it or leave it, babe... I ain't got time to waste."
Why?
Imagine two girls:
Girl A tells you, "I'll wait for you as long as you need! You just call me or text me
anytime!"
Girl B tells you, "I like you, and I want to be with you. But I'm not waiting, so
choose."
Which girl has your respect, and which girl are you most likely to actually want,
desire, and date? Girl B by a landslide... not even close.
Why's it work this way? Well, we tend to intuit that the more valuable a person's
time is, the more valuable the person himself is.
So, if your time is so value-poor that you're willing to wait around for a girl, or
spend a lot of time pursuing her, then you must be value poor as well.
Ouch.
How do you apply time limits then, to get around being that sad little man who's
perpetually available?
You can do this with:
Laser focus on the person you're talking to.Truly busy
people tend to be some of the most focused you'll meet. But wouldn't you expect
busy people to be distracted?In some things, occasionally, yes; but with
socializing, if someone lets others interrupt and distract him, he's simply
communicating poor control of his time and attention. You can get his
attention any time, simply by interrupting him and asking for it. If you're zeroed in
on whomever you're talking to though, girls will know they can't get your attention
again simply by breaking your circle, and will know they need to use what time
they have with you to advance things.
Not being available for social functions. Women will
sometimes test you out to see if you'll be a good fit for their friend zones by
inviting you to accompany them to social functions. You should always politely
turn these down. Make it clear that the only time you have available for them is
one-on-one time... don't waste time being a part of their group.
Slow correspondence response times. Taking a little while to
respond back to phone calls and text messages helps to establish some scarcity.
Not responding to emails and Facebook messages and texts and other things
some of the time (or much of the time) will do this as well. When you're actually
truly very busy, you'll do this naturally anyway. When you're not there yet
though, you can still slow down your responses so as not to seem overeager.
Telling women you're moving out of town or not
sticking around. If this isn't the case with you, obviously, you can't really
use it, but if you're leaving town even in a year or so, letting women know in
conversation that you won't be around forever creates some time limits for things
to happen in.
One thing I don't advocate is the "false time constraint," where you tell a girl soon
after opening her that you've got to be going soon. Saying this presumes that
the girl doesn't want you there and wants you out of her hair; it's used to
"buy you some time" to win her over.
But if you're hanging around meeting women who don't want you around... you're
doing things wrong.
Skip the FTCs and focus in stead on being less available and being zeroed-in on
girls when you areavailable. Make your time quality time, and limited quality time.
This is how you create the nonverbal feel of someone in high demand, and really
get girls chasing after you.

What's Being a Challenge to Women All About?
Some people might tell you this is about "playing a game" or "seducing her."
Far from it.
Being a challenge is about flirting and intrigue. It's not a game; it's part of human
mating rituals. Women are attracted to men who challenge them; men who do
not challenge them don't switch on the mating dance (and then these men get
frustrated that women don't want them and complain about how women go for all
these "bad guys").
Is it a game if a man tells a woman he'd like to kiss her passionately, it's just too
bad there are so many people around? No. He's flirting and telling her what she
needs to do on her end (express interest; help get alone with him) if she wants
the same thing he does.
Nor is it a game for a man to be zeroed in on women, or taking a while to
respond to messages (if he's genuinely busy, that is; you might consider it a
game if he isn't, though).
It's also NOT a game to point out that you are not like most people.
Remember, correcting attainability and being a challenge is about:
1. Reading attainability (too high, too low, or just right?)
2. Being a challenge, or less of a challenge (putting pressure on or taking it off)
3. Inspiring women to chase (using barriers, scarcity, and time limits)
Keeping a close bead on attainability, monitoring it, reading it, and keeping
it balanced with challenging women is how you keep intrigue up, auto-
rejection down, and get girls going with you - and hordes of nice guys
wondering why women keep pairing off with "bad boys" like you.
Does Confidence = Success? Actually...
No.
By Chase on Wednesday, 9 January 2013
Confidence
Emotions
The Daily Mail had a piece on U.S. college students' confidence levels shooting
sky high while their actual competence and performance in the areas of their
confidence dipped to new lows a few days back (the original article's here).

The article mentioned research finding that that more and more young people
were carrying bigger and bigger life goals, and more and more of them were
falling short and slipping into depression and anxiety disorders.
It quoted psychologist Jean Twenge as saying "You need to believe that you can
go out and do something but that's not the same as thinking that you're great,"
and, "An intervention that encourages [students] to feel good about themselves,
regardless of work, may remove the reason to work hard."
I thought it was a fantastic article for one reason: the clear differentiation
between confidence and success.
I've always found the, "I just need to tell myself I can do it, and then I can do it!"
approach to "achieving things" to be a little daft, and it's nice to see some
research backing this up.
I'd like to talk with you a little about this today, because, if this research is
anything, there are fewer and fewer people out there like me who think that the
secret to success is just going out there and busting your chops until you get
there, and more and more who think you can just think your way to success.
Well, I've got new for those people: nuh-uh.


Before we go into confidence and success specifically, I want to discuss where
all this "self-confidence!" mumbo jumbo came from in the first place.
When the self help industry first emerged, it brought a lot of good things to the
fore. There are people out there in self help who really have helped and inspired
a lot of good in others; Steve Pavlina and Tony Robbins are a couple of
examples right off the top of my head who've made some impact. I'm sure there
are countless more.
But there were also a lot of grifters and conmen who saw the self help scene as a
quick way to get some cash by selling ineffective advice that made people feel
good temporarily, or fooled them into thinking the life improvement they were
searching for was just around the corner.
Robert Kiyosaki's an example of this with his whole Rich Dad, Poor Dadempire -
he was essentially a bankrupt, failed businessman who made it rich by writing a
book about how to get rich, then selling it to a bunch of sales people in a multi-
level marketing company and using his success there to get a book deal... his
money came from selling books to clueless buyers about getting rich on real
estate, something he had no experience with. Today much of his money comes
from his "Rich Dad Seminars," which teach you about real estate for a few days
while telling you to raise the limits on your credit cards as much as you can (so
you can buy real estate), then on the third day pitching you "elite classes" that
they negotiate with you over price (basically, whatever will fit on your newly
raised credit card limit - hey, it's going to make you a MILLIONAIRE, so you
should have NO problem spending every penny you've got on it, right?).
However, one of the greatest travesties in the rise of self help has been the
elevation of "confidence" over all else, in my opinion.
Why's it so bad?
Because now you've got tens of millions of people out there walking
around trying to get better by making themselves more confident.
I saw it in pickup when I first discovered the pickup community. There was this
incredible focus on "inner game." Like, if you just focused on your internals
enough, it'd make you magically irresistible to women.
I thought it was bunk.
But everybody else seemed to think it was magic. They were drinking the Kool-
Aid.
I chose to abstain.
What's happened over time though, is that this, "Just believe in yourself!"
mentality hasn't remained constrained to self help. Gradually, it's spread its
tendrils out into everything: books, movies, TV shows. Your teacher, your boss,
your Uncle Karl, sitting there in his recliner with a six pack of beer resting on his
belly telling you you've just got to believe in yourself and be confident, and you'll
be anything you want to be.

What's So Wrong with Being Confident?
Well, that all depends.
Confidence as a product of already knowing how to achieve whatever you want
to achieve is great. Then instead of wasting a lot of time and energy worrying
about things, you can just go do them and be happy about it.
But if you have no idea HOW TO DO something, and you're STILL
confident, you just end up looking like an ass and stumbling your way to
defeat.
Just think of one of those over-confident characters in some comedy show or
film.
"Here, let me help you out with that," says one of the more experienced
characters.
"Oh no, it's okay; I got this," says the over-confident, under-skilled comedian.
Hilarity ensues as he makes one ridiculous blunder after another.
Or, imagine you're at the top of a dangerous ski slope - and it's your first time
skiing before.
"Hey, you know what, let's take you down to the bunny slopes and get you doing
the basics first," says your instructor.
"No, don't worry about me; I'll be fine!" you declare confidently, and then shove
off down the mountain, plowing into a tree or a rock a minute later.
Well, of course those guys are idiots! you say. That's not confidence - that's
foolhardiness!
Well, how about the guy who's just going to start a business without learning
much about it first, or consulting any good mentors or teachers? How about the
guy who's not going to bother studying women and dating, he's just going to
assume if he's confident it doesn't matter what he says or does, and women are
sure to love him?
How come THESE guys get assured success by everyone?
The reason, I've come to believe: because these are complicated arenas that
most people don't actually understand how to succeed in.

And when it's not actually clear to succeed, you're ripe for all kinds of influences
to come in and tell you how to do things.
Even if all they're telling you is, "Just be confident!"

Confidence is a Poor Substitute for Skill
The predominant school of thought in economics in the West today is a sort of
economics called Keynesian economics. Keynesian economists believe that the
pillar of an economy is demand: the more demand there is, the stronger the
economy. So, if you just increase demand and keep demand levels high, supply
will grow by default (the economy will necessarily adjust to meet the demand).
Confident that they know what they're doing, government economists
recommend complex monetary policies that ordinary people don't really
understand, and even most government policymakers don't really understand.
They take it on faith, implement these policies, and sometimes the economy
grows, and sometimes the economy shrinks. Is any of that due to the policies of
the Keynesian economists?
Nobody really knows, because nobody seems to understand the system all that
well. Being an economist is sort of like being a voodoo witchdoctor; you don't
reallyknow if what you're saying is right, but you've just got to act confident and
hope everything turns out okay.
Unfortunately, confidence is a poor substitute for skill. And confidence does
not guarantee success by any stretch of the imagination.
Just ask countless medieval European alchemists, confidently (and vainly)
mixing concoctions together in search of the philosopher's stone or the elixir of
life.
Or ask countless ancient Chinese royal scientists, confidently crafting potions
intended to let their kings live forever, but quite frequently bringing about those
regents' untimely demises instead.
Or ask an economist today.
While confidence can at times be very convincing with other people, the
limit of confidence's powers stop there. And even with people, most people
have their bamboozle detectors at the ready to pick up on conmen and
charlatans... there's only so far you can get on confidence alone.
So, does that mean you should abandon confidence altogether?


"Let's wait until we can be a little more confident of the right action."
"I want to try it, but I'm just not confident enough."
"How do I make myself more confident?"
These are the kinds of protests I hear centering on confidence most often.
Sometimes they have some merit - and I'll review which situations those are that
they have merit in - but most of the time, these protests are empty and
purposeless complaints.
"Lack of confidence" is a frequent complaint of those suffering fromvictim
mentality; as if sitting around waiting to somehow become more confident
through inaction is ever going to change anything.
And that's the problem with "waiting for confidence;" if you're not taking
ACTION while you wait, that confidence will almost never ARRIVE.

How Confident Are You?
When I first started in sales, I was not very
confident in myself. I looked at sales, and I
saw it as this insurmountable mountain to
climb; there was the district's star
salesman, right next to me, and there was
me, who struggled to sell even to people
who really wanted to buy something. It felt
impossible.
So, you know what I did to increase my
confidence?
Absolutely nothing.
Instead, I just worked hard to learn the
product, I studied the methodology of that
star salesman working across the counter
from me, saw how he sold and made
people want to buy, observed his flaws as
well - where he was taking shortcuts, giving
people breaks on prices - and tried to find
ways to match his sales performance
without cutting the corners he was. I learned his method, and then I perfected it
more than he had.
The only thing I was confident of was that I could learn bits and pieces of things
here, if I worked at them. So, I just learned one bit and piece at a time, until
eventually all those bits and pieces I'd learned made me a star salesman too.
It was the same deal with music, and the same deal with pickup. Every time I've
started something new, I've started weighted down with self-doubt and a lack of
confidence.
But instead of sit there and gripe about how unconfident I am and how much that
sucks, I just go take action, and trust that my lack of confidence will work itself
out as I gain experience.

The Best Pick Ups I've Ever Had...
One night, about 6 months into me actively going out to meet girls, when I still
wasn't very good yet and still had a great deal to learn, I thought about going out,
and didn't really want to. My only friend in town had gone to New York City for the
weekend, and I didn't know anybody else. I was accustomed to going out alone,
but that was in my old college town; now, I'd moved to a new city, and I didn't
know anywhere to go, really, or anyone.
Finally, I dragged myself out of the house to the bar street in the suburb I was in,
thinking I probably wouldn't even end up talking to ANYONE that night. I ended
up at a brightly lit bar full of people having fun with their friends... not exactly the
kind of place I'd been hoping to find (I much preferred to pick up girls in clubs).
But, I settled in, tried to be a little social, and ended up talking to some scruffy
looking guy in his 30s sitting next to me for about 10 minutes.
That conversation ended, and I wondered what I was going to do next when the
guy turned back to me a few minutes later and said, "Hey man, you want to go to
a club in the city?" I wasn't very confident that would go all that great, or even
where we'd be going, but as part of my efforts to be more social, I'd decided not
to turn down any social opportunity I received, so I said, "Sure." We took a taxi
ride into the city, and ended up at a nightclub I'd never heard of or been to
before.
I stood around on my own for a while, racked with approach anxiety, before
noticing a really beautiful girl who kept stealing glances at me. But, she was in
the middle of a crowd, and I saw no way to approach her. So, I stood there,
totally unconfident, totally not sure what to do, but knowing that I had to take
action at some point or I was going to regret it.
After standing there for perhaps 10 minutes, not knowing what to do, I saw my
opportunity: that girl was getting her picture taken with a couple other girls. So, I
moved in, and, as the picture was ending, I opened my girl and started talking to
her. Immediately I tried to move her; she resisted; I persisted. I knew from 6
months of active experience, that if I gave up after asking her to do something
and I let her not do it, I was dead. So, I insisted, and she moved with me...
once... twice. She was into me.
I took her to go upstairs with me and grab a seat, but a male friend of hers
intervened. He wanted to leave; they were going home. I took her phone number
and bid her fair well.
A few months later, that girl became my girlfriend for the next 2 1/2 years, and
was one of the most amazing women I've ever known.
Many of the BEST pick ups I've ever had came on occasions that I went out
with ZERO confidence, from girls I walked up to thinking for SURE I'd be
rejected by. Out of the serious girlfriends I've had, a good chunk I thought I
didn't really stand a chance to get.
How do you succeed despite a lack of confidence?
When all the self-help gurus tell you how absolutely CRUCIAL confidence is???
You find success in SPITE of confidence, by arming yourself with something
else:
Process.

Process = Success. Confidence = Byproduct.
True confidence is a byproduct of success. You have it because you've
succeeded at something (or at something similar) so many times that you feel
reasonably certain you know what to do, and that you can pull it off.
Why do so many self-help gurus, advice-givers, and feel-good friends tell you
you need confidence?
Because they see successful people acting confident, and wrongly
attribute those individuals' success to their confidence.
"Well," the observer thinks, "this person's very successful, and very confident. My
other friends, who are not successful, are also not confident. What's the
BIGGEST personality difference between successful people and unsuccessful
people? Hmm... seems like confidence! So what determines success? Must be
confidence!"
Then these people go around telling you, "You don't need SKILLS... you don't
need TALENT... what you NEED is CONFIDENCE!"
And then you get all excited, because they make you FEEL confident and then...
... and then...
... and then it wears off. And you're no better able to effect any real change in
your life than before that big, impressive pump-up speech.
Confidence doesn't get you success. Everything I'm successful at I started off
certain I'd fail miserably at and be ashamed for all time of my performance in.
And many of the things I started off confident I'd be able to ace quickly (like
surfing) I got discouraged by my lack of initial results mismatching my barrels of
initial confidence and threw the towel in on to tackle something a bit more
fulfilling with my time and effort instead.
If you're waiting for confidence before you start something, you're waiting
for the wrong thing.It's kind of like a guy saying, "I'm not going to start building
a business that can make me a millionaire until I'm a millionaire," or, "I'm not
going to start learning how to date multiple women until I'm dating multiple
women."
You've got to do the thingfirst; results and byproducts come after.
You can't think your way to success. You can't will yourself to be confident, and
then suddenly experience and skill becomes irrelevant.
I don't even think confidence is all that helpful for struggling through the troughs
and low points of skill-building. Most of the people I've known who've been super
confident they could do anything never really learn that many new things,
because they don't see much need for it; who needs skills when you're already
confident you'll be a success?
What really leads to success isn't confidence. It's process.
Process enables you to follow steps to success despite how confident or not
you're feeling. Process enables you to work out patterns and pathways to follow
to achieve the results you want. Process frees you from the crashing and
receding tides of emotion and grants you logic to follow, test, and refine.
Process sets you free, and gets you REAL success.


How do you get yourself focused on process instead of confidence as the key to
your success?
Simple: you start looking at steps, and stop chasing emotions.

Chasing Emotions: The Modern West's Curse
Sometime in the mid-1700s in Western culture, a curious thing began to happen:
the ideal of logic and rational thought and reason being held in higher esteem
than emotions gradually began to wear away, and emotions began to be hoisted
into the place of reverence and veneration that logic previous held.
While someone in the 18th century would've chided you for acting childishly and
immature if you told him (or her) that you wanted to get married for love (rather
than because your mate was a good match), or that you wanted to pursue a
profession because you enjoyed it (rather than because it was where you could
best contribute to society or best enhance your position from), someone in the
20th or 21st century would tell you that those were exactlythe right reasons.
Society shifted from encouraging reason to encouraging emotion.
The problem with that, though, is this: emotions change.
They're ephemeral. They shift. There is no constant in emotions.
And when you base your life around something that is inconstant, your life itself
becomes changeable, fluid, and inconstant.
Which is fine if you're a traveler with no set purpose or direction. Or someone not
tied to one place or one life.
But most people in the modern West aren't like that. They live settled, sedentary,
rooted lives, best suited to constancy and solidity. But their minds are focused on
shifting, changing emotions instead.
"Be happy!" That seems to be most people's life goal if you ask them. But then
you ask them if they are happy, and you get a vague response, if not an outright
"no." Then you ask them what it'd take to MAKE them happy, and you get
another vague response, about something that'll happen far off into the future.
People don't know what they want, and they don't know how to get it.
They're so busy chasing emotions, they never stop to realize they never actually
achieve those emotions, but for a moment... and then the emotion is off, and the
chase is on again.
The problem is, this carries over into their skill-building and life-determination as
well, and instead of being able to logically target the acquisition of a given skill,
they decide they'll just "follow their hearts."
So, they never get better at anything, and end up becoming bitter as they watch
the clock slowly tick down on their lives
without things ever getting any easier or
clearer.

A Series of Steps
Confidence is just an emotion. Trying to rely
on confidence for success is like trying to
rely on happiness for fulfillment, or
excitement for an enriching life. It is, as a
member of the Enlightenment would've
called it, a child's plan; and it isn't one that
works.
What does work?
A process; a series of steps.
If you've ever done any goal setting, you have some experience with this. Goal
setting is setting a few steps or objectives that you'd like to accomplish.
Building a process for ANYTHING is simply laying out a series of loosely
connected steps, then following them.
Process is how you take control of your life despite the vagaries of your
emotions. You may be a very emotional person; you may not be. But if you train
yourself to follow a certain process, you can achieve predictable, controllable,
consistent results that are not reliant on how confident or not you're feeling on a
given day.
A process for selling tires (my old job back in university) looks like this:
1. Greet customer, ask how you can help him today
2. Ask him to see his car and the tires he has right now
3. Ask him how those tires did for him
4. Ask him if there's anything he'd like to have better (wet traction, cornering, quiet
ride, etc.)
5. Ask him how long he intends to keep the car for, and how many miles a year he
drives
6. Show him a tire you think'd be a good fit for him, how the mileage warranty
means the tire will last for most of the time he wants to keep the car for, and
explain how this tire is better than his existing tire in each of the areas he's said
he'd like to see improvement in, and any other standout areas
7. Tell him the price of the new tires installed after taxes, and let him know you can
get started on that for him right away and be finished in 30 minutes
8. If he's ready to go, get his keys and write up his ticket; if not, show him another
tire and repeat the process
9. Print out the quote, walk him through all the charges and line items, and explain
what each is so there won't be any surprise or pushback from him later
10. Have him sign the quote agreeing to the prices and charges, and hang up
his ticket with his car keys for the shop workers to work on
A process for picking up girls looks like this:
1. Plan out ahead of time what day and time you'll go out and where, so that even if
you're feeling out of sorts or not very confident, it's already planned and you'll go
2. Go out to the place you have planned, and begin approaching women
immediately. If it's a social venue (bar, club, party, networking event, etc.), also
strike up conversations with men too, but keep the focus on meeting
ATTRACTIVE women (not just ANY women, but women you actually like, too)
3. Move girls minutes or seconds into talking with them to gauge their interest and
compliance levels. If they won't invest in you and commit to talking with you by
moving when you ask them to move, they won't do anything else either, so use
this to screen out women who are simply making polite conversation with you
and aren't especially interested
4. Keep moving and talking to lots of girls until you meet a girl you like who's
responding to you, investing, and moving when you ask her to move. Once
you've found her, stick with her; don't keep moving and don't break circle
5. Engage in some light banter, but only enough to get her comfortable with you
and recognizing you as a bad boy and attractive man; don't overdo it
6. Get her sitting with you not long into talking with her; the sooner, the better
7. Deep dive with this girl to get to know her better, sporadically applying chase
framing and sexual framing to keep things light and up sexual tension
8. Invite her home as soon as you start detecting heightened levels of interest and
desire on her part
9. Kiss her within 10 minutes of getting her alone with you in her place, yours, or
wherever else you're taking her to get intimate together
10. Escalate physically and take her to bed
You can build processes like these for ANYTHING, simply focused on parsing
whatever it is you're trying to accomplish down to discrete steps along the way to
be completed.
All you need to know to do this is:
What your end goal is
What steps you need to get there along the way
What you need to do to make sure you get started taking action
Hit all three points, and you've got yourself a solid, unassailable process that you
can use no matter the emotions you're feeling or not feeling at any given time.

So Do You Really Not Need Confidence?
Don't get me wrong; I think confidence is GREAT. There are few better feelings
than being able to strut around like the head rooster, feeling like everything you
do is assured success.
What aggravates ME is the veneration of confidence as some sort of success
magic pill. It isn't.
Process is. A well-executed, well-rehearsed process that builds on experience
and acquired skills. With process, you can succeed in spite of your feelings.
I can't tell you how many times I've felt utterly unconfident, and had process save
me. There've been girls I was CERTAIN I couldn't get... they just didn't seem all
that interested in me, or the male competition seemed to fierce, or the girl herself
seemed like the most aloof, passionless, powerful woman in the world. But I
followed processin spite of myself and I ended up together with her.
It's the same with sales, the same with business... the same with everything.
There've been countless times I had a customer walk in when I was a salesman
when I thought, "There's no WAY I can pull this off... this guy won't buy from me!"
But, I'd try my best not to let my lack of confidence show, and I'd follow my
process, and voila! I'd have the sale.
There've also been plenty of things I was confident I could do, but I had no skills,
experience, or process, and I failed at them miserably. I've watched friends and
business partners repeat this again and again; there's nothing more dispiriting
than watching a friend totally confident he or she is going to succeed at business
crash and fail after months or years of hard work because he or she never got a
process down and only ever ran on emotions, and emotions don't last.
Don't cheat yourself by trying to run on emotions. Emotions make for
ephemeral fuel... here today, gone tomorrow.
Adopt a process. It's the real path toward success.
And don't worry so much about emotions. When you take the right actions,
emotions follow suit.
Grab a process. Get results. And you'll get all the confidence as a mere
byproduct that all those other guys - without process, and without results - spend
so much time trying to will themselves to have.

How to Power Shift with Social Cunning
and Savvy
By Eric on Thursday, 10 January 2013
Confidence
Emotions
Pickup
Power, often thought of one of the driving
forces behind mans will (see Nietzsche's
concept of der wille zur macht) to live.
We see it every day, and it invades our
interactions as well as influencing our every
action.
Take a look at a couple of these scenarios:
Scenario A
A man walks into his bosss office and
requests a raise. He gets turned down.
Another man walks into the same room and
proposes a similar offer, with the intention of
walking away. He instead gets the raise.
Scenario B
Two students are studying together, the girl
mentions, Youre a good friend.
The male rejects the notion of just friends, and begrudgingly utters, Friends?
Hardly.
Scenario C
Two friends are together chatting in high spirits, when a cohort suddenly comes
along.
Ah, are you this little boys friend? one girl asks flippantly.
The male looks at her slowly, as if only realizing that she might be talking to him.
Who? he powerfully and quizzically asks almost as if in genuine confusion.
The girl corrects herself, A-ah, are you this guys friend?
... can you see it more clearly now?
Its not until you reach the upper echelon of dominance that you start to cherry-
pick these shifts of power (hence force called a power shift) out from everyday
situations, and are able to take advantage of navigating through the ever-
changing tides of social dominance.
But using power shifts, and maintaining an air of respect and power about
oneself can be taught and learned, and in todays article Im going to pull off the
veil that shrouds these common occurrences in subtlety and nuance from the
eyes of those who haven't paid as much attention to them yet.


So what exactly is going on, and what is the importance of learning how to make
use of a tool like the power shift for the social connoisseur?
Being dominant at an art or practice often requires the deep understanding,
subconscious or not, that allows unparalleled performance. This becomes all the
truer when multiple players are present; its almost impossible to maintain
dominance among other practitioners when your skill level is not up to
snuff.
Think about it, whats more likely? A player being renowned because he can
spike a volleyball or pitch a great fastball in practice, or a player who can crush
an opposing team with aces or being unhittable?
To be dominant, as the definition suggests, inherently conveys that there is an
order, and position, at play.
The volleyball player hits harder than the opposing team can receive.
The pitcher throws faster pitches than the batter can hit.
A manager of a business assigning tasks to employees.
A ruler directing his generals in a war.
The rulers army crushing another countrys force.
The most attractive and confident guy in a classroom or at a party.
An intelligent mathematician winning a Nobel prize.
Typically youll see an order of simplicity, such as A is greater than B. It does get
a bit more complicated with the interplay of multiple players in things like group
conversations, but thats the gist of it (players A and B).
Another important aspect to note is that there are varying degrees of status,
which typically are determinant of how high you are and the breadth of the
competitors. Beating out more competition results in higher levels of power.
The mathematician is dominant over most others, with his status of prize winner.
The ruler has power over far more than the average peasant, or the manager
with his employees.
The most attractive (not handsome; attractive, as in knowing how to attract
women, and there is a difference) guy in the room automatically gets assigned
the highest status in the room; just by being there he bests the rest of the males.
So when we look at seduction and social cunning, as a skill rather than
uncontrollable happenstance, we learn that there ought to be an order to
things. This means we have new variables to manipulate and train, and whats
incredibly surprising is that next to no one even knows this.
No one really trains their understanding of human nature, apart from the
academics (and us)!
Just by this realization alone of the power structure between interactions
we benefit and put ourselves ahead of the curb. Our competition is usually
very little; its not hard to be the top dog when the rest of the pups are busy
suckling from the teats of the females.

Understanding the Power Shift
The examples I gave at the outset of this article give some great insights into the
common power dynamics scenarios that happen to even to the average Joe
(often largely unbeknownst to him). Lets break it down scenario by scenario to
better understand the social constructs at play.

Scenario A: The Boss, and the Employees
A man walks into his bosss office and requests a raise. He gets turned down.
Another man walks into the same room and proposes a similar offer, with the
intention of walking away. He instead gets the raise.
Lets go ahead and start assigning out names for these situations. The employee
that had his request for promotion denied will be Employee A. The successful
and more dominant man (disregarding the boss of course) will be Employee B.
Look at things in terms of order and compliance.
The boss is in the top position, with the compliance of his employees. Hes the
top dog, no bones about it.
Two of those employees, A and B, are below the boss. Both go to him with equal
propositions (overwhelmingly dominant men often require permission), and with
assumingly equal value as both employees contribute equal amounts of quality
and quantity of work.
The X-factor that contributes to Employee Bs value over A is his
compliance. He knows that his the company values work, and that gives him
power over his boss. Employee A doesnt realize his actual worth, and thus does
not have the same power to his proposition.
The successful employees offer gets accepted because he introduced
lesscompliance, and as a result morepower. The boss knows by the
suggestion he made, I want a raise, or else I may leave, regardless if true or
not, that he has more options than Employee A. More options often means more
power. The employee played his cards right, and the boss succumbed to his
ultimatum because denying the raise would result in less gain for the company.

Scenario B: The Girl and the Boy
Two students are studying together, the
girl mentions, Youre a good friend.
The male rejects the notion of just friends,
and begrudgingly utters, Friends?
Hardly.
The typical scenario between the study-
buddy boy and the attractive girl. The girl,
seemingly out of nowhere, asserts that
she enjoys their friendship.
The boy, like many others have before,
protests in rebellion against his new label.
Who is she to determine our status? the
boy may be thinking.
The attractive girl is clearly higher
status than the boy, but by how much?
His frustration is not all too unfounded
actually; the girl played a little trick on him to assert her power over him.
By sending an undesirable signal to the boy, she is demonstrating her superior
value. Theres a good chance that this happened because she knows the boys
intentions of romance, and is able to use that against him to establish control.
It could have gone much worse actually (and better), with varying degrees of
shifts of power. Lets say the boy had three different personalities, and each has
their own response.
1. Im not your friend.
The more caricatural bad boy response, which would actually be typically
better than the lower two.
He completely and utterly rejects any notion of friendship, and protests in
complete rebellion. He plays a high-stakes risky game because he knows his
position better than the others, and has more options.
2. Friends? Hardly.
The reluctant response but one with enough compliance and less risk aversion.
He feels his value ought to be higher, and is frustrated at the power-shift she
engages with. Regardless, he does not feel the rewards are high enough, and
dares not to commit fully with his resistance.
Women feel this is completely weak. Neither did he have the courage to commit
to risky rejection nor safe acceptance.
Theres a good reason why the coinage Average Frustrated Chumphas the
moniker Chump attached, while the Nice Guy label is devoid of any mockery.
3. Yeah, of course!
The safe route, the nice guy. He doesnt want to go against his authority figure in
the interaction. Hes effectively pedestaling the girl hes with by showing no
interest in rejecting her power. Any results he gets with the girl would be purely
by luck of the draw.
There is a reason why all three responses fail. These responses are boyish.
Real men dont deal have to deal with these kinds of things. The bad boy and his
rebellion against authority is something a child would do. The nice guy and the
average chumps likewise fail to be that authority in the relationship.
There is a better way to handle these kinds of power struggles, but Ill come back
to that after going through the last example.

Scenario C: The Spirited Group
Two friends are together chatting in high spirits, when a cohort suddenly comes
along.
Ah, are you this little boys friend? one girl asks flippantly.
The male looks at her slowly, as if only realizing that she might be talking to him.
Who? he powerfully and quizzically asks almost as if in genuine confusion.
The girl corrects herself, A-ah, are you this guys friend?
There are three people in this situation: the cohort, the male, the girl.
The girl is clearly more powerful than the male, and she asserts her dominance
by using a type of power shift thats effect is twofold:
1. Shes testing the new variable (the cohort) to the dynamic
2. Shes subsequently asserting power over the male
The male overcomes this perfectly.
If he had accepted her label of boy to his friend, instead ofguy, both him and
the girl would have been granted higher status over the friend. Think of it as the
two becoming partners, their two statuss are somewhat equal. The cohort may
be higher on the rung, but not by much.
The males status gets dropped and hes forced with the added social pressure
of not one --but two acts of social climbing.
On the other hand, the cohort could have rejected his friends new label of boy
and defied the woman. Yes, the woman. The woman has climbed up the likes of
the cohort (also, the man). The cohort struggles against this new dynamic she
has introduced, thus being less powerful.
What he did instead was much better. He completely and utterly crushed any sort
of insubordination between the two. The girl committed a social faux pas and he
capitalized on it excruciatingly by making a fool out of her. He did it with a single
word: Who?
He prevented his friend from slipping down the social ladder, and also brought
her down for trying to ladder climb. His friend and the girl are now equal, and
all is well for the cohort as he stands at the top over them while looking
down.
He also handled this smoothly, through his graceful manner. If he had asked the
same question in fury, rather than curiosity, the result would have been the
same. However, the difference lies later on, as this would have been power
through dictation: a very abrasive and underhanded method.
You would be surprised at how subtle this would actually happen in a real
conversation. The girl would have made a mistake, and corrected herself as if the
cohort had not heard properly (thus the embarrassment being only from an
internal feeling, rather than public shame). The boy would have thought nothing
of it, and the cohort would have received her warmly with a pleasant, Ohhh!
Yeah!
Thus, the power shift occurs with subtlety, the girl loses little face, yet by
overreaching and attempting to exert dominance and failing, she has
lowered her social standing relative to those she attempted to dominate
socially;thus, she dies (socially speaking) on her own sword, but the cohort
reassures her that everything is okay.
Well what next?

How to Capitalize on a Power Shift
Heres a little secret thats rarely understood: power is not made by strength,
but weakness.
Imagine two martial artists in their respective stances, ready to battle it out. They
trade fierce glances and are consequently frozen in stature. Youve seen it in
movies (possibly with guns drawn), or maybe even in real life. MMA fighters will
often walk around a bit before engaging, or stay out of range of their opponent.
Why is this exactly?
Its quite simple: they know instinctively that the second a mistake is made,
it will be capitalized on. If they strike and miss, the opponent will counter by
taking advantage of that opening and punish them for it. Both fighters know this,
so they are stuck in a perpetual standstill.
Offense is often said to be the best defense, but that is not the case for the
master-class. Offense is only reliably useful when there are grave
differences in strength, or when some sort of disparity is present.
Our bad boy in scenario B is playing a very all-or-nothing style of aggressive
play. Any sort of conflict brought his way is crushed with his own strength. Its a
gamble. If his opponent is weak enough, this opponent will succumb to his might.
If the opponent happens to be stronger, the bad boy will be ruined instead. Im
not your friend, he says. The girl responds with, Douche,and leaves. The bad
boy of course now has to chase after to get what he wants (which never actually
works, and never should be done).
Our nice guy and frustrated chump are too afraid to fight, so we cant even
consider their play-style in this game.
The dominant man (like the cohort) approaches it differently. Hes waiting for
that moment when the other messes up. He always capitalizes, and
consistently gets rewarded by doing so.
Youll see an incredible amount of these kinds of exchanges in war tactics and
the history of them.
Take the teachings of Sun Tzu and his Art of War for instance: something
heralded as a masterpiece on tactics and conflict, not only in the military world
but in the business management one too. By itself, without any prior experience,
its hard to see its true value. If you deconstruct some of what he has to say
however, youll see its incredible teachings.
Here are some quotes (muddled by translation of course) from the immortal man:
1. Invincibility lies in the defense; the possibility of victory in the attack.
2. To fight and conquer in all our battles is not supreme excellence; supreme
excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting.
3. Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious,
even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the
opponent's fate.
4. The opportunity to secure ourselves against defeat lies in our own hands, but the
opportunity of defeating the enemy is provided by the enemy himself.
I wont quote any more as to not overload you, despite there being so many
goodies to pick out.. but hopefully you can see how this ties into my previous
ramblings using martial artist as an example.
This is the reason why sprezzatura, gracefulness, and humbleness are such
effective manners of achieving high social status. These operate on the passive
style of subtlety, and allow for your opponent (such as your date, your boss, your
audience, etc.) to make mistakes that you can capitalize on (while also limiting
the errors you can make).
In the first quote, Sun Tzu mentions possibility of victory in the opponents attack.
This is exactly it -- again, power comes from weakness, not by application of
strength. Again he mentions it, in the fourth quote: we are our own defeaters
and our enemies are theirs.
If you dont believe me (or Sun Tzu) then try to think of how many ways there are
to make a blunder or insult someone and then how many ways to do that without
uttering a sound (I can think of only one per culture). You cant do either very
well without opening your mouth.
We can even see this stuff in nature, with things like spiders and their webs.
Waiting for their prey to fall into their hands is much more effective than going
around and hunting. Trapdoor spiders will wait until unsuspecting victims crawl
above in a moment of defenselessness, and then will strike.
In war its often used to fight against vastly superior forces. Sun Tzu used his
tactics against the Chu army (of 300,000) with his comparatively meager force of
30,000 men.
In the Vietnam War, America lost despite an overwhelming advantage in strength
because the same tactics were applied. The Viet Cong effectively used guerrilla
tactics, and had no central force (see Sun Tzus concept of formlessness in the
third quote). This made it impossible for the American military to do any
substantial damage. In fact, quite the opposite occurred when the Vietnamese
waited for air drops, and then capitalized on them by wiping each one out one by
one. Other tactics were of course used, but the result was that America retreated
and Viet Cong had won.
Formlessness, mysteriousness, waiting, and capitalization; all these make
up the back bone of the masters road to victory over challengers. It is the
opponents who give him the opportunity to raise his position, by entering his
sphere and giving him mistakes to capitalize upon.


While I dont want to advocate any sort of adversarialism between you and those
around you, its good to learn the different sort of power shifts that commonly
occur.
Herere a few of the likely ones youll encounter and might be stumped by
(without this guide, of course):

#1: The Friend Zone and Other Statuses
Ah, hello my infamous friend. We are back. Ive always said to those I speak with
about this is that, Girls dont put men in the friend zone, the men do it for them.
It cant be any truer.
The word friend is just a word; it really means nothing. In fact, the Italian
language has 20 or more such words just for relationship statuses. So why does
it matter? It actually doesnt.
Words that dictate status (and my use of the word dictate is most literal), such as:
boyfriend,
lover, and
friend
... are typically just that. In a brawl, this is more like a left jab. Its to poke around
and get a feel for the situation when he or she has a hunch, a gut feeling, of
weakness. Its only when you REACT to it when things start to tumble downhill.
Imagine a suave guy like James Bond, and try to picture him (if you can...)
getting friend-zoned by a girl. What do you think he would do? Scoff at the
idea? Maybe, but even that seems a bit too unrefined. Hes more likely to just sip
his martini and continue conversation as if she had never said it (much like the
example earlier of the cohort pretending he didnt hear or understand the girl).
Any attention you give something gives it power. This means even the little
stuff with reactions like scoffing, or strange looks. The more you contest the more
you show your weakness. Granted, its often not enough of a shift the balance of
power over to another person, but these things work like a war of attrition. The
sands of time eventually corrode over your body and youve lost your former self.
The best of this comes with the understanding of the situation, and when you
start noticing others doing this to you by trying to redirect focus or denying
compliance.
I added some tags on the end of each line to help you understand whats going
on by using the previous martial arts example as an analogy.
Guy:I thought we were friends? [jab]
Girl:Well we are more like acquaintances... [block]
Guy:So we cant be friends? [jab]
Girl:We dont really hang out often... [block]
Guy:So what are we supposed to do then? Go on a date? [side-steps]
Girl:What would we even do? [side-steps]
You can see where this is quickly going... The guy knows shes interested in at
least some modicum of romance between the two, and so he presses her a bit to
get what he wants (well, what they both want actually).
Her strategy of redirecting, while good at maintaining her image and preventing
any sort of chase dynamic, is not the best solution. Its immediately obvious due
to the attention and importance shes assigning to the word that it has some
value to her, so shes avoiding giving a simple yes or no response.
For the guy however... he got what he want with pure cunning. Hes a sly fox,
and he knows that people tend to like to follow the path of least resistance.
For her, in this situation, he knew that his jab, the label, was enough for him to
make a weakness appear in the girl. She feels she needs to respond, and
doesnt want to comply, so she avoids answering.This is troubling for her, so
he offers her an escape from this dynamic by proposing a date (indirectly).

She then follows along, as its easier. Along the way however, shes been
defeated. She succumbed to his slyness and is now being strung along (to
somewhere she wants to go, mind you).
This is what girls see and feel every time they assign you two a relationship
status. She doesnt know exactly how you feel, but shes got a pretty good idea.
She knows exactly the right buttons to push to get you to do what she wants (like
trap you in the friend zone as a backup plan for later on in case she needs you
then).
Again this happens with not only the friend zone, but the ever humbling, I have a
boyfriend, line. This one is a bit tougher to handle, and I always think loudly in
my head SO?
It pops up AGAIN when used in the opposite fashion, Do you have a girlfriend?
Chase thankfully covered this one well in his recent article, Do You Have a
Girlfriend? Heres How to Answer This.
The possibilities are endless.
Its another reason why routines have such a low success rate. You cant
possibly plan ahead for all these scenarios, and plan out responses to them.
Youve just got to learn the elementary aspect of the concept of non-reaction,
and start to think in your head instead: Oh, shes doing this as a way to power-
shift things in her favor... what are her motives?
Then respond.

#2: Labels and Attrition
This one is a dirty little trick, used often by many. The idea is this: find a
weakness, such as a pet peeve or dislike of a label, and relentlessly weaken until
compliant.
Its very subtle and gradual, otherwise it wouldnt be very effective.
--- first appearance ---
Guy:I dont know, she wouldnt leave me alone.
Girl:Thats kind of being a jerk.
Guy:Huh? No way.
Girl:.
--- a couple days later ---
Girl:Youre such a jerk.
Guy:*laughs* I know!
Girl:Right?
--- a couple weeks later ---
Girl A:Hey, this is my friend... hes a jerk.
Guy:Ugh.
Girl B:Like jerk-off?
Guy:Wow.
*everyone laughs*
--- a month later ---
Girl A:Hey, this is jerk.
Girl B:Hi, jerk! Thats a weird name.
Guy:Yeah...
Girl A:Yeah, jerk!
Eventually it can get out of hand and leading to bullying, but thats one example
right there of attrition. It can happen with any label, and its used to shift
power over either readily (Dont do that, thats douchey) or gradually over
time.At the start the conversation was normal, but by the end the guyd gained a
new nickname.
Even if you deny this vehemently, it will still be a question of who breaks
first. Its the age old paradox of an unstoppable force meets an immovable
object. In the story of the Teumessian Fox (destined to never be caught) against
Laelaps (destined to catch everything), Zeus himself had to step in and break up
the fight by turning the two into stone (or stars).
Its better to not surround yourself with these types of girls or people (who will
engage in petty labeling and ladder-climbing one-upmanship), and instead make
friends with those higher up on the social ladder. Just be wary when this
happens, and dont engage.

#3: Assignments and Tasks
A common way of gaining compliance is through requesting, assigning, or
demanding tasks. In social psychology these tactics are calledfoot-in-the-door
and door-in-the-face. There are others, but these two Ill focus on (and have
partially brought up before).
It can be done both ways, starting low and gradually working up (Id skip the first
request in practice however):
Guy:Hey, can I buy you a drink?
Girl:Okay, sure.
Guy:Lets sit over there?
Girl:Okay, sure.
Guy:Move over a bit.
Girl:Okay.
Guy:Lets go home.
Girl:Okay!
Next one. You will rarely see this actually intentionally done, but it will pop up on
your scanners here and there when people start making demands on purpose to
test your compliance:
Girl:Buy me a coffee!
Guy:Okay, sure.
Girl:Yay!
Its a bit out of place and extremely clumsy, but most dont notice it. People
can actually get away with such extreme blunders, and no one really notices. I
remember a request from a student to a professor in a class I attended once that
was interesting along these lines; actually it wasnt a question, it was a very
abrasive demand:Move down the page to the bottom.
I was surprised he got away with that one, typically youd see some sort of
gradual buildup. You dont normally see requests made that curtly and forcefully
that early on in the dynamic between two people who havent established
compliance yet, when requests are still being ramped up.
The rest of the learners in attendance are asking questions, likeCan you
___?while one fellow blows through social norms and demands in an
authoritarian tone. Youre asking for whiplash if thats how you approach all your
engagements -- without an ounce of subtlety.
This is the advantage to those with positions of power: its difficult to say
No when youre paying your physical therapist and she tells you to roll over.
Again, dont react to this or give into these demands for compliance. Navigate
using social grace. Heres a better response:
Girl:Buy me a coffee!
Guy:I dunno, isnt that too date-like?
Girl:Its not a date its just a coffee!
Guy:Is it? Okay, then you should buy me one instead.
Girl:What!? Fine.
In all likelihood, you wont even run into these requests and demands too often
as you advance at dating and seducing women.
You can use these to gauge how youre doing, and the shifting of power. If you
see higher numbers of demand-like requests, you need to work on your
fundamentals and may presently be at an equal or lower status.Alternatively,
if youre starting to get risk-averse requests, like Can I get your number? orCan
we go over there? then you know youre doing really well.
If youre starting to get permission requests, thats a tall order to fill. It
means youve got to do one thing, and start moving her. She really likes you so
she is playing it really safe; youve got to save her from this and take her home.
Another end of the spectrum would be working your way down, this might have a
better success rate for the girl:
Girl:Buy me a car.
Guy:Uhh...
Girl:Okay, how about just a coffee?
Guy:Sure, I guess.
Notice how most of these responses are typically in three forms:
Compliance: Okay, sure.
Half-Compliance: Sure, I guess; Friends? Hardly...
Rejection: Uhh..; Im not your friend.

#4: Laughing and Playing Along
Another peculiar construct that happens is
others laughing at something funny youve
said, and just in general thinking youre
funny... when youve done nothing of the sort.
Trying to have a real conversation with a
person like this who laughs at everything you
say is incredibly frustrating. Its like almost
talking to a wall, because anything you say
will be played along with.
If youve ever found yourself scratching your
heading thinking... wait a minute... I didnt
make a joke, and what I said was NOT
funny.Why did they laugh? Thats where the
presence of social influence starts to seep in.
If you are with two girls and you say, Okay,
Im going over here where its warm, and
they both laugh as if you had told them a
joke, does that make sense? None at all,
unless you realize that the people around
you might happen to be catering to your
whimsies, and like stated earlier -- suckling at the teat.
Feel-good people try to boost their statuses by making others feel welcome.
Stop it.
Even I catch myself doing this sometimes when I laugh at what I say, or in
response to others. It takes away your challenge that you present, defuses
tension, and makes you more attainable.
If you laugh at what youre saying, then it can be considered compensating
in anticipation of not being well received.
If you laugh at what others say, then youre sucking up and social climbing, or
maybe youre too afraid of what others think of you to go against the grain.
Conversely,
If people laugh at what theyare telling you, then they are grandeur-izing what
they say to leave an impression on you.
If people laugh at what yousay, then they are effectively pedestaling your status,
or are too afraid to go against it.
If you catch others doing this then this is another easy way to gauge the shift of
power (as long as youre not telling actual jokes).

#5: Kissing and Sex
This is so incredibly common a power shift for men to shoot their feet off with all
the time, and yet women do not. Women understand this dynamic MUCH
better than men, and take great care of it. This is typically driven by the same
motives as the friend-zone.
Ricardus went over this really well in a full length article (which could be
considered extension/continuation of this one, even if written at an earlier date)
about how sex changes the control of the relationship:
Relationship Control and Female Domination

How to Rule the World (of Seduction)
The ideal position to be in is not one of dominance, but of someone who
faces no opposition. A better term for this idyllic situation would be ruler or
emperor, as there are no other players in the game. They face no opposition.
The word dominant is more appropriate to social situations because this is such
a hard position to be in.
I did make a joke in the article on stress coping techniques that,We dont
really teach you on this site how to overthrow nations (yet),but it seems I actually
have begun to.
We can progress this trait of dominance and understanding of power dynamics in
society quite far, and it helps us get what we want. The goal you must seek out is
not that of a dictator or a subordinate, but a ruler. Through grace and pleasantry
you can make others want to work with you (and for you).
Just remember, non-reactance.
Its not a battle or conflict unless you make it one, and I wrote this article
with the intention of helping you pick out when others are using a power
shift on YOU.
The powerful dont deal with opposition, not because they are against it but they
dont acknowledge its presence or significance. The governing bodies that serve
them are the ones that deal with acts of aggression. Granted, you cant always
opt for non-reactance and ignoring social climbing, but understanding them
prevents quite a bit.
Once you get better at it...
You might find that if you keep quiet, things may go your way more often than
not. You might find that if you stop praising yourself that others may do it for you.
You might find that if you compliment others, they will bring you gifts and ask you
out on dates.
And you just might happen to find whatever it is youre looking for if you keep at
it.
Stay powerful,

How to Get a Girl in Bed: 10 Crucial Tips
for Making Her Yours
By Chase on Saturday, 22 October 2011
Confidence
Female Mind
Seduction
I haven't touched much on
last minute resistance on
this site, and it's about the
time I got a proper post up
on it. Before we jump in, I
want to share a note from a
reader who wrote in asking
about how to get a girl in
bed to illustrate what I'll be
talking about and provide us
an example case to work from:
Hi Chase, Firstly I'd like to say that I love your blog and that many things
have started to make sense (especially about moving fast). After taking your
advice I decided to try it out and act as though the only night I had a chance of
sleeping with a girl was that night.
It started with me being introduced to a girl through a friend at a party, we
flirted a bit and I intentionally moved her around. When we got to town
everyone got separated and we were together, after moving her around more I
persuaded her to take me back to hers for a "sandwich".
We got back to hers she made me a sandwich and after that it started getting
a bit steamy in the bedroom. However when I went to take her panties off she
wouldn't let me, even after trying about 5 times. She then claimed that she
was too tired and we should try in the morning. When the morning came she
avoided sex again and I managed to find out that she though sex was
pointless if we weren't in a relationship.
To say the least I was confused and angry but also felt a sense of failure as
though I wasn't good enough to be her lover. I mean why would a girl take me
to hers, heavily make out with me and then refuse to have sex even if she
wanted a boyfriend? I wanted to be put in the lover zone not the boyfriend
zone.
A reply to this would be much appreciated but a blog post on why a girl would
do this would be awesome.
Our reader's case here is a classic case of last minute resistance, or LMR -- that
thing that happens when it feels for all the world like you're just about to sleep
with a girl, that it's totally inevitable, that all that either of the two of you want in all
of existence is to just be together... and then she suddenly, inexplicably,
unexpectedly throws a wall up and won't let you proceed. Why's that happen,
and what can you do about it?
To show you how to get a girl in bed and overcome last minute resistance, first
we're going to have to get you to understand why women react this way -- and
then we're going to have to teach you what you can do about it.
Being a Woman is No Easy Ride
As a man, it can be incredibly frustrating how flakey, indecisive, and
unpredictable most women tend to be. They say they'll call you and they don't;
girls flake, ask to go somewhere else, say yes then no, no then yes, tell you
they can stay then say they've got to leave. It's one of the most maddening,
bewildering, indecipherable things about girls for the vast majority of men out
there. Because as men, we know that if we say we're going to be somewhere or
do something, we follow through. Why can't women?
Until you see it from a woman's point of view, women's flakiness seems utterly
ditzy and scatterbrained. But see it from their perspective you must, and
once you have, it looks a whole lot different.
Let's start with a story.
Imagine you're buying a car. From a used car lot. There's none of the certainty
you have at a dealership for new cars; some of these cars are diamonds in the
rough, and some of them are lemons cleverly disguised as pearls. And you,
though you've got experience with cars, you're certainly no expert; you're just
going on your best guess and hoping you pick well.
So, you take a ride in a car with a dealer. It looks good on the outside; the
interior is plush and comfortable. As you're driving down the road, you grin at
the dealer, and the dealer grins back at you. "I think I like this car!" you tell
him. You're thinking you're going to get it as soon as you get back to the lot.
This is the one. But then, as you hit the brakes to decelerate coming off the
highway, the car suddenly shifts and shudders --
Brrrr, brrr, BRRR!
The brake pedal shimmies hard under your foot.
Whoa, that wasn't good, you think. The confidence you had moments earlier
that this was the car for you instantly and totally evaporates. Now you're
certain this isn't the one for you.
"Is it supposed to do that?" you ask the dealer nervously.
"Oh," he says, "you have the emergency brake on. Jesus, be careful," he
says, putting the emergency brake down for you, "you'll break the car driving
like that."
You blush. "My mistake," you say, suddenly reassured. "I didn't realize."
"It's all right!" he laughs kindly. "Let's head back to the lot." You do, but you're
still on edge. Adrenaline is coursing through your veins. You like this car -- it's
everything you wanted -- but the memory of that shuddering, even though you
caused it, is still in your head, and your embarrassment at driving with the
emergency brake on is making you uncomfortable.
"Yeah, it's a good car," you tell him when you make it back to the lot.
"Great. So you'll take it?" he asks expectantly.
"Ummm...." you say, "I'll think about. Okay?"
You leave, and never return. You end up buying a different car a few weeks
later -- one you didn't even like as much as that first one.
Why'd all this happen?
Well, it happened because you were the buyer, the dealer was the seller, and as
the one making a big purchase with limited information who knows his
information is limited and possibly flawed, you were on edge the entire time, ears
perked for the slightest hint you were buying a lemon, and sensitive to any
inability on the part of the seller to get you completely calm and reassured that
this is the one for you.
In other words, you just experienced last minute resistance, and you got to be
on the other side of a transaction getting tossed in the trash pail over seemingly
minute details.
Welcome to the tough reality of life as a woman.

Buyers, Sellers, and Competing Interests
When you're the one who's selling -- the dealer, in the case of our used car
example, and the man, in the case of getting girls in bed -- your primary objective
is to get the buyer to accept.
But when you're the one who's buying -- the car shopper, in the case of our
example above, or the woman, in the case of seduction -- your primary
objective is to not get gypped.
And make no mistake, in the realm of men and women sleeping together, the
men are the sellers and the women are the buyers.
Why? Well, if twenty beautiful women with seemingly amazing personalities
asked you to bed, how many of them would you say "no" to? If you're like most
guys, the answer's probably "None of them!" That's just like the car dealer -- if
twenty people want to buy cars off his lot at the price he wants them to pay,
how many of them will he turn down? Yeah -- none, right?
You get a lot of girls who meet the standards you're looking for, you win. The
dealer gets a lot of car shoppers who'll pay him what he wants for his cars, he
wins. This is the seller's position.
But if a girl just took any man who came her way based on a cursory one-over of
his looks and personality, there's a good chance she soon ends up pregnant and
for all she knows he may move on and not stick around and support that child
and she's screwed, socially, financially, and every other way there is.
Furthermore, she doesn't actually know him -- and for all she knows, the child
she's carrying might end up being slow, or strange, or something else that she
hadn't recognized from that cursory glance she gave the guy.
And that's not even to mention the potential damage her reputation and ability to
land a high quality mate later on might suffer if the man is indiscrete or turns out
to be a social outcast. Or the danger he might pose to her personally if he turns
out to be crazy -- a big, strong man is a very real threat to a woman, who's
usually going to be smaller and a lot less aggressive than he is. There are a ton
of reasons -- both practical and biological -- that women need to be a lot more
careful than men in who they go to bed with.
It's just like a car buyer who buys the first car she sees that looks good; for all
she knows, simply grabbing that first thing to come her way, the engine might just
fall out on the way home.
Because of this, car buyers are usually quite careful about their purchases, and
women are usually quite careful about their lovers. The stakes for the buyers
are much, much higher than they are for the sellers.
This is where last minute resistance comes from. It's also where flakiness, mind-
changing, and unpredictability comes from. What seems like nitpicky silliness to a
man is usually a very big deal to a woman.
The Point of Sale and Last Minute Resistance
Even once you've found a car you really like, you're still going to tend to be really
nervous and hesitant about buying it.
What if it turns out to be no good, despite all the checks you've done?
What if you're actually paying too much, and you won't realize it until it's too late?
What if there might be a better car out there, and you're going with one that
doesn't measure up compared with what you might get?
These are the kinds of concerns that might pop into your head at the last minute
when buying a car. And they're very similar to the ones that pop into many
women's heads before the moment of truth in a seduction.
No matter how sold she was on you up to that point, it's common for worries to
run through her head like:
What if he doesn't actually like me that much, and he's just saying he likes me to
get sex?
What if he's going to think I'm too easy if we have sex now, and he's going to
toss me aside immediately after?
What if he's not what he says he is, and I'm being tricked and deceived?
What if my friends find out? Will they judge me? Will they like him?
What if I don't want this with this guy? Maybe I'm making a mistake.
What if he isn't the best guy for me? Am I 100% sure I want him?
These are the kind of things you're up against when you're trying to get a girl in
bed and you run into last minute resistance. This is why she suddenly and
inexplicably freezes up, pushes back, or starts trying to shut you down when, like
our reader with the girl with the sandwich at the start of this article, you finally
make your move.
For a most women, physical intimacy feels like a very big deal because,
historically and evolutionarily speaking, it was (and frequently still is). For
that reason, it gets treated with the same level of seriousness you'd treat an
important buying decision, like signing for a new car or a new house: this isn't
something to just sign your life away for and figure out the details on later.
The problem is, as you probably can infer from our car example, when you let a
buyer walk away they almost never walk back. Occasionally they do... but if
you're counting on this as a part of your sales process, you're going to go out of
business in a hurry. This is what happened to our reader, and this is why his girl -
- who was ready to go the night before, with just a slightly different strategy --
changed her tune the next morning. She was ready to buy but walked away
before she could -- and then she wasn't going to walk back.
If you're a used car dealer, you've got to do everything in your power to reassure
and excite the car shoppers who visit your dealership as much as is humanly
possible that yes, they want your cars. It helps a lot if you've got awesome cars
on display that are awesome under the hood, too; but if you've got great
salesmanship but poor cars, you'll just do okay, and if you've got great cars but
poor salesmanship, you'll do even worse.
And so it is with women: you can't rely on just having great fundamentals or
just having good close game.
You need both... or you're going to struggle with getting girls in bed 'til kingdom
comes.

How to Get a Girl in Bed: 10 Crucial Tips
I've been selling a lot lately, in a couple of different businesses I'm involved in
right now, after not having been a salesman in years. Some guys are natural
closers; I'm not one of those guys. It takes me a while to warm up to a new
product and get my process down. I need to flesh out my responses to common
objections, get the lay of the land for why people usually walk away from sales,
and figure out how I'm going to go about turning myself into a closing machine.
Anyway, as I'm figuring out how specifically to sell in some of the new industries
I'm in, I'm going back over my previous sales experience and my experience with
seduction as well and breaking down some of the things I've long done. And as
I've distilled those lessons over the past week, I'm suddenly finding them
instantly applicable to this article, and this reader's particular question.
So, I suppose, from that standpoint, his timing was good. Here then are what I
consider some of the best tips on how to get a girl in bed -- combining things I've
been practicing and preaching for years on how to overcome last minute
resistance, along with a few recent realizations I've had about things I
unconsciously adopted simply because they worked, but now that I'm
consciously aware of them I can speak on them here too.
1. Identify her needs. A good seller always gets to know the buyer's needs from
the very beginning, so she knows that he knows what it is she most wants and
needs. But it's not only finding out what she thinks she needs -- because the
difference between a good salesman and a great salesman is that a great
salesman identifies needs his buyer didn't even know she had.

You might start getting to know a girl and having her tell you about herself, and
you find it's primarily superficial, surface-level stuff she's telling you. That's fine. If
you ask her what her needs are right now, she'll tell you something about how
she wants to be happy and free and have a good companion and things like that.
Pretty standard stuff that most men and women would say in response to that
question.

In other words, she has no idea what she needs.

It's your job to find out what she needs by inspiring her. You see, people are all
pretty similar -- we all want to learn, be challenged, grow, feel encouraged,
and spend time with someone interesting and engaging and confident and
real. If you can tease out her real dreams and motivations early on in getting to
know her via deep diving, you can get her consciously realizing needs she didn't
realize she had.
2. Meet her needs. The next step toward bedding a girl after identifying her needs,
of course, is meeting them. No, not like that -- not yet, anyway. I mean showing
her how you can meet her needs -- without expressly telling her.

This'd be like the difference between the used car dealer just throwing you in a
decent sports car and asking you how you liked it afterwards, and the used car
dealer priming you first by asking you if you'd like a car that handles really well, if
you'd like a car that accelerates quickly, if you'd like a car that feels good under
your fingertips and gives you a sense of control and a command over the road
that's hard to match -- and then putting you in the sports car and saying, "Here's
the one I've got that I think will most closely match what you're looking for." You'll
start driving it, and you'll say to yourself, "Wow. This is exactly what I want!"

You should actively seek to personify in yourself the things that the people
around you need. If one of your friends needs a rock to lean on because he's
going through hard times, you're a rock. If your buddy needs someone to tell him
he's being an idiot because he is, you tell him he's an idiot and to knock off the
idiot thing he's doing. And if a girl you're with needs a sense of adventure,
excitement, and freedom in her life, you do your darnedest to give her that in
your conversation and interaction with her. For a bit of an idea on how to do that
specifically, see "The Conversationalist."
3. Move fast, move confidently, and lead her decisively. Just like a nervous real
estate agent would freak you out about buying a house and scare you off, and a
real estate agent who moved slowly, seemed unsure, and didn't close probably
wouldn't end up with you signing any contracts, so it is with women -- the men
who fail to move quickly and decisively rarely get them.

When you've got a girl you like, and you can tell she likes you, don't dawdle.
Move things as fast as she can stand it -- keep things flowing ever forward, and
don't hope for things to happen -- make them happen.
4. Get buy-in: shoes off at the door. I got this one way back in the day from the
guy I learned the most from early on... and man, is it good. Get used to having
everyone who enters your home take their shoes off and leave them just inside
the door. It sounds silly, but the buy-in you get from having a girl take an article of
clothing -- even one as seemingly insignificant as her shoes -- off at your door is
tremendous.

To her, it feels like she's committing to stay a while... she instantly feels more
comfortable and casual... she's followed your lead, respected the rules of the
house, and taken off something she was wearing... and to top it all off, your place
stays cleaner. For simplicity and ease of implementation, having her take her
shoes off at your door can't be beat.
5. Kiss her within 10 minutes of getting home with her. Not just getting home,
really, but getting anywhere you might possibly be able to get a girl in bed or
even get intimate with her without a bed. Wherever you're going to get physical,
this rule applies.

What about giving her time to relax? you might ask. Nah-uh. If she's nervous, it's
because she's excited. If you give her time for her nervousness to wear off, that
means she isn't excited anymore -- or maybe even has gone into auto-rejection
-- and if you go for it then, it'll be too late and she'll feel uncomfortable and turn
away or leave, more often than not.

What about if you're nervous? Same rule applies. There's nothing worse than
putting off kissing a girl right away because you want to calm yourself down first.
And then 30 minutes goes by. And then an hour. And then two hours. And you
realize that, contrary to the, "I'll just wait until I calm down," theory, you're now
even more nervous than before, and it feels like the moment has passed, on top
of that.

Kiss girls within 10 minutes of getting them into your place alone, maximum. Try
to shoot for 5 minutes max, or less. Almost every girl who'd kiss you after an hour
would've kissed you within 5 minutes, but many girls who'd have kissed you 5
minutes into being alone with you won't kiss you an hour later when it's feeling
awkward and weird. Don't miss the window -- kiss her within 5 to 10 minutes
after making it back to your place.
6. Keep your hands moving early on. As you begin escalating physically, your
hands should be sliding slowly but steadily over her body. Don't leave them
resting on her breast, buttocks, or thigh -- keep them moving. This is how you'll
acclimate her to your hands touching all over her body and prime her for you
touching her more heavily in just a moment.
7. Start -- then pull back. Long ago, there was something in the seduction
community people referred to as "push-pull," but when you'd ask for a definition
of it it seemed you could never get a straight one. I don't think I ever quite figured
out what push-pull was for at least a few years of being familiar with pick up.

But, eventually, figure it out I did.

You can push forward with things -- then suddenly pull back. This works
amazingly well with all kinds of things girls think they aren't ready for you to do
yet. It's the philosophy behind manhandle kisses -- give her a strong, manly
peck on the lips, even if she pulls back or resists a bit, and then totally let her go
and revert to just chilling for a few moments before resuming -- and it works with
everything else in late-stage seduction, too.

You always want to give her room so that she feels and knows she can get up
and leave any time if she wants to (that's when you pull completely back and stop
touching her and be fully casual); somewhat ironically, you make her a lot more
comfortable and excited about being with you when you make it clear to her
(without saying so) that she can leave at any time. Very rarely will you ever have
women who've come all the way back to your apartment with you actually get up
and leave because you started getting physical -- unless, that is, you ever make
them feel like they won't be able to leave. That's usually the only time they get up
and go (if it ever starts feeling very awkward is the other).

Then, after a brief break, you resume. Then, you take another break. Then you
resume again. And so on, until the two of you at last go to bed as lovers or she
becomes certain that yes, this is definitely what she wants, and begins attacking
you with as much certainty and ardor as you are her.
8. Address objections simply without getting logical. Unlike with selling cars,
you absolutely do not want to logically address a woman's concerns during a
seduction. Why? Because logic sets off alarms to women that a man's being
manipulative.

The quick and dirty rationale behind that is that it's very easy to lie, and so
women are programmed to become cautious around men who might potentially
be doing that. So, women respond far better to men who address their concerns
with confidence and charm, which is much harder to fake than logic.

In response to, "This is too fast for me," you can smile and say, "I think the speed
is just right. Or are you smiling for some other reason?" In response to, "I don't
even know you!" you can get in close and whisper, "Yes you do. I'm me."

To a man, those might sound silly. But to a woman, who's trying to calm her
sudden indecision at the point of the sale, some soothing words from the
confident man she's about to become lovers with is often exactly what she needs
to relax and open herself up to intimacy. Said slowly with a sexy voice and sexy
smile, these will often be enough to completely disarm the women in your bed...
and you may not even need to pull out the big guns -- steps 9 and 10.
9. Use "bursts of passion." A tool that I discovered toward the end of last year
was something I termed "bursts of passion;" basically, with a girl who's being
resistant and not letting you proceed with a seduction (but still sticking around
and obviously into you -- if she wasn't, she'd leave), you suddenly launch into an
all-out BURST of passionate kissing, touching, stroking, and caressing, firmly
and lustfully, as though you've suddenly been overcome and cannot control your
desire for her.

This takes even the most level-headed women and melts them in the intense
pleasure and arousal of the moment, and allows you to move things forward, if
only momentarily before they regain control of their senses again. But, if you do
this in conjunction with the next step, there's a very good chance you'll make a
permanent gain in moving the seduction forward...
10. Hit milestones. One of the weird things about psychology is the concept
of "walls," and how, once you've climbed them, you've hit a milestone where
suddenly the person who's wall's been climbed feels that things have changed.
For instance, if you're trying to drive home drunk and I'm trying to stop you, the
major wall we need to climb is for me to get your keys. Once your keys are in my
hand, you're going to feel very strongly and absolutely that you've given into my
desire for you to not drive drunk and you'll be a lot more likely to stop trying to
drive yourself home than if I let you hang onto your keys and didn't take them.

In seduction, you should be aiming to climb walls and hit milestones throughout
the course of a seduction. One of the first walls you climb in a pick up is getting a
girl to move with you. Once she has, you've passed a milestone; she now feels
committed to talking with you. Taking her home is another milestone. Kissing her
is yet another.

Women have their walls at different heights for different milestones. For
one woman, the first kiss is a BIG deal, and she'll fight like crazy to not kiss you
even if you've gone on a number of dates with her. Once you make it past that
wall though, and get the first kiss or two, everything else is a lot easier. For
another woman, kissing is no big deal at all, and maybe even letting you take her
shirt and bra off is no big deal, but if you go for her pants she freaks out. Once
her pants are off though, it's game over. Occasionally you'll encounter women
who are comfortable all the way up to being completely naked with you, but have
a wall up about intimacy itself. And occasionally you'll encounter women with
multiple big walls, and occasionally you'll encounter women with no walls at all.

When you combine bursts of passion with an objective of getting over walls and
hitting milestones, you can use it to great effect. Say you have a girl who
absolutely, positively will not let you take her shirt off. So, you relax for a
moment... you let her unwind... and then you start kissing her again. Just a little
bit at first -- but then, suddenly, you dial up the passion and all but attack her.
She becomes passionate too, kissing you back with force and lust, and then, at
the height of both of your passion, you tear off her shirt and toss it across the
room (so she can't easily put it back on if she cools off).

She may continue being passionate at this point, or she may calm down and get
logical again for a moment, but whichever happens, you'll have hit a milestone
and made forward progress.

Rest, rinse, and repeat.
Now, don't overstep your bounds and go getting yourself charged with a
crime or anything here... use this stuff within reason. But if you follow these
steps, I guarantee you're going to be so incredibly good at opening up women
who were previously closed off that they're going to be amazed at how it
happened. And I bet you, had our reader coupled a few bursts of passion with a
focus on climbing walls and hitting milestones, he would've gotten her panties off
at some point (and hopefully thrown them behind a couch or a bookcase
somewhere).
Passion at anything -- whether seduction or sales -- is a skill, and it's one it'll
serve you extremely well to spend time in developing. Whether you're passionate
about selling cars to car shoppers, or passionate about selling a night with you to
a skeptical woman, you'll get a lot more closes and cut through last minute
resistance a lot more easily if you can make your buyers as excited about the
sale as you are.
So, aim to be known by women as a passionate lover. It's vitally important to
throw yourself into lovemaking and give a woman an experience unlike any she's
likely ever had before -- and that includes in the lead up before the sale. You
should aim to be the most passionate, lustful, memorable experience of her life.
And if you can do that, you'll know how to get a girl in bed like the best of them.
Pulling Women Home: The Secret to
Watertight Pick Ups
By Chase on Wednesday, 14 December 2011
Pickup
Seduction
A week and a half ago I was out at a
nightclub with a pair of friends. One of my
friends was from here in town; the other
was visiting from the other side of the
world. As is usually my priority when out
with friends, I wanted to do anything I could
to make sure both of them had as good a
time as possible, and for me that meant
doing what I could to try and get both of
them pulling women.
Both guys are cool, likeable guys, and both
do all right with women in their own rights
already, so my contribution to their efforts
was more in the edge cases -- making
things happen when they might otherwise
not. As it was, I coordinated aiding one of
my friends in pulling his girl home fast, in
the cold, even as she left her coat and
phone behind and complained about needing to go talk to her friends, and set my
other friend up as best I could to pull a girl I'd introduced him to who clearly
wanted him to take her home very much while I managed the pull of my other
friend visiting from out of town.
There were a number of moments during the pull when my one pal's girl was
ready to peel off, and only by unflinchingly leading things forward was I able to
maintain control of the situation and ensure she came with us.
How do you succeed at pulling women home in situations where most men fail?
Simple: you progressively move things forward.
The way you do that is the subject of this post, and executing correctly is going to
be key to you getting regular, routine success picking up cute new girls.
The Pull: Timid Men Need Not Apply
I grew up in middle class America, taught to always be polite and not ask too
much of others. I learned it was rude to impose, and inconsiderate to demand.
My style of interacting with people entailed more dancing around and hoping and
inactivity than you could shake a stick at.
Well, when I started trying to get better with girls, I soon realized this didn't work.
You can't get girls by standing around and waiting for them to take action and
lead. They won't. Leading women is essential for success with women. Girls will
wait for you to take action... until they get fed off and stop waiting. And when they
stop waiting, they leave.
It's on you. Making something happen is your responsibility.
I started with things like approaching women, then moved to asking a girl out,
getting girls' phone numbers, and getting girls to kiss me. Pulling women home
and escalating things to physical intimacy was the final big piece I was missing,
and it was also the one that took me the longest to get down consistently.
I used to be so afraid of asking girls home... that if I asked them home, they'd get
offended, get up and leave, and I'd never see them again. Looking back, there
were so many girls I could've taken as lovers had I asked that I never saw again
after the night we met because I failed to take action.
Timidity and hesitation are the death sentences of seduction. Women don't
wait for timid men to summon the courage to pull them; they wait for their
patience to run out, then they run out.
There's a secret that the men who do best with women know that every other
man tears his hair out and gnashes his teeth with women for want of knowing.
But if you've been following along so far, you already know what that secret is:
Successful men ask. And then they handle logistics and make things happen.

The Ask and the Logistics
You can boil pulling women successfully down to just two core components:
1. The Ask, and
2. The Logistics
without either of which you probably don't get the girl.
What are each of these? I'll explain:
The Ask is when you invite a girl home with you. You normally want to do this
once you can already tell if a girl likes you; she's clearly into you, hanging on
your every word, investing, complying with your compliance requests and
demands, and you've moved her and she's open and receptive to your touch.
At that point, you invite her home. "Let's go grab a nightcap and call it a night," is
a favorite of mine for nighttime, or, "I don't know what else you've got planned
today, but let's go watch a movie," during the day. Although I've used things as
ridiculous as, "I have a really interesting ceiling at home; wanna see?" with girls it
was clearly incredibly on with, and things as silly as, "Want to see my travel
souvenirs?" when I'd talked extensively about travel, and those lines've worked
fine too. The precise words you use in the ask are far less important than
your tone and your delivery: you've got to be confident, decisive, and brief.
And then you've got to get moving.
The Logistics are the second piece of a successful pull, and without those
things fall apart fast. Imagine a man who:
Invites a woman home, walks out of the cafe with her, and then starts walking
down the street with her, only to realize he's a little lost, then turns around, walks
in another direction, then changes direction, then asks her if she knows which
way to Main St.
compared to a man who:
Invites a woman home, walks out of the cafe with her, and then immediately
walks her to a taxi or 2 blocks to his home, or to the back alley behind the
restaurant, where he throws her up against a wall and begins kissing her
passionately.
Which man's more likely to have his girl stick around with him? Which one's more
likely to get her home or get to physical intimacy even right there behind the
restaurant?
I'll give you a hint: it isn't the guy who doesn't know what his logistics are.
Handling logistics properly is an oft-overlooked, incredibly integral part of pulling
women well, as logistics are something that're invisible if you do things right, and
they're something you don't realize were missing when things fall apart.
What all this means then is that asking a girl home is only one part - the
first part - of pulling successfully. Logistics are the other part, and they're
every bit as crucial.
Logistics: The Hidden Variable in Pulling Women
Right
If you asked most men what the most
important consideration in picking up
women and pulling them home
successfully was, I think you'd pretty
consistently get an answer like
"It's confidence, hands down."
or something like
"Being attractive and high value is it."
Really, in all honesty - how many guys do
you think are going to look you square in
the eye and say, "It's logistics?"
But if you ask me, that's exactly what it is.
I personally lost plenty of girls who were
very very into me by failing to handle
logistics and having them lose confidence
in my ability to lead them to intimacy or by
having their attraction for me to cool off -- attraction has an expiration date,
mind you. And the hotter it was, the faster it cooled off.
Conversely, I've had my fair share of girls I probably shouldn't have been able to
sleep with -- but I did, because I had good logistics. Girls who weren't especially
fond of me in the moment but who went along with things because things were
logistically very easy. I create paths of least resistance now, and make it easy
for those girls to say "yes" to me -- so they do.
That's how you get girls who are "out of your league" -- sure, you can up your
base attractiveness, and you can get better linguistically, but handling logistics
well adds so much to the bottom line that if you haven't been doing it yet
you've been missing out in a big way.
So how do you handle logistics right?
Handling logistics to get yourself pulling women successfully entails a couple of
things:
1. Knowing where you're leading girls
2. Having back up plans and contingencies in case those don't pan out
3. Being decisive and leading strongly in pursuit of your outcome
4. Adjusting to do logistics on the fly and make things happen where needed
I like to tell the story of a time I drove a long way to go meet a very pretty girl with
beautiful waist-length hair for a first date. I told her before we met that I had a
long-distance girlfriend, and at first she hadn't wanted to meet me, but then she
said we could just be friends. Well, we ended up walking out of a pizza bar a few
hours after we met up, and there was strong attraction in the air but we were far
away from my place, closer to hers but she had a roommate, and I wracked my
brain for what we could do. She didn't want us to leave -- and I realized part of
the reason was she probably knew what would happen if we did.
So I proposed we hit the beach. It was only a few footsteps away. I grabbed a
towel from the trunk of my car, and we walked down to the beach, laid the towel
down on the sand under the night sky, and laid down on it together. We were
lovers less than 10 minutes later.
I think there's still a chance we'd have gotten together had I convinced her to
drive back to my home with me 30 minutes away, but the chance we wouldn't
have become lovers goes way up than if we just go down to the beach.
Logistics makes all the difference.
Using the example of being out with my friend a week and a half ago, we were
leaving the nightclub, and the girl was complaining that she didn't have her coat
or her cell phone and that she had to go see her friends. "We'll see your friends
soon," he said to her, but she kept insisting. She seemed ready to leave.
"Chase," he said, turning to me, "can you help?"
Wanting him to have as great a trip here as possible, I leapt into action to
preserve momentum.
"We'll be back before you know it," I said to the girl. "You can see your friends
soon." I knew she liked my friend, and I knew she felt a social obligation to notify
her friends of her intent to leave. I also knew that if she did, they'd probably stop
her from going, and on top of that I knew that if she went back with my friend and
he took her as his lover, she'd end up very happy that she'd gone along with him
and not back into the nightclub. Furthermore, she could always head back there
in an hour or two; the place was open until 7 AM.
"But how long?" she said.
"We're going for 30 minutes," I said, "and then you can come back."
"I just want to go back now," she said.
"Soon," I said, then started walking. They followed.
Next I found a taxi, and opened the door. Getting in, I told the driver my address -
- and he waved me off and refused. What?
I got out, changed cabs, and the same thing happened. Fantastic. There I was, in
the middle of the night, trying to preserve the fragile momentum we had going on
so my friend could get his girl home with us, and suddenly, inexplicably, no taxi
driver wanted to take us.
"I'm just going to go back and find my friends," said my pal's girl. "And get my
coat. I'm cold."
"We're getting a taxi right now," I told her firmly. "You'll be warm really soon. Let's
move."
I got into 3 taxis, 4, 5. Finally, the seventh taxi I approached, before getting in I
instructed my friend and his girl to get in the taxi fast and shut the door, at the
same time I was. We rushed the cab, slammed the doors shut, and I told the
driver loudly and firmly where to go. He grudgingly took us back to my apartment.
My friend was getting his girl's shirt off in my guest room back at my place when
the chicken he'd eaten on the street with her waiting for me to hail a cab
overcame him and he had to go expunge it into my sink. The girl was nice
enough to go and pat him on the back as he did. He ended up giving her some
taxi fare and sending her back to go find her friends, but he came out of the
experience saying he loved the town and that he'd be back to visit.
Logistics make the pull possible.
How do you do logistics? By following that process from above:
1. Knowing where you're leading girls (your place? Hers? The beach? An
alleyway?)
2. Having back up plans and contingencies in case those don't pan out
(alternative logistics - if your first choice is inaccessible, what then?)
3. Being decisive and leading strongly in pursuit of your outcome (continuing
to lead even when she says she needs to turn back)
4. Adjusting to do logistics on the fly and make things happen where needed
(not giving up when the first few taxis won't take you or when the girl doesn't
want to drive back to your house)
When you couple the Ask with the Logistics you need to make things work, you
arm yourself with a deadly combination for pulling women like the most talented
of ladies men. This is the essence of being a closer; it really just comes down to
asking for it to happen, and then making it happen.
The Secret to Hooking Up with Friends
By Chase on Saturday, 9 April 2011
Female Mind
Pickup
Socializing

If you're in college, or you ever went to college, you're familiar with a
phenomenon that's known widely today as "hook up culture:" the Western
tradition of getting together for quick flings and casual intimacy with your friends.
The way it's supposed to work is, you go out and get drunk, and you wake up the
next day with some girl you're friends with. The two of you smile and laugh about
it and then go about your lives as if nothing had happened. Or, perhaps, you hold
a late night study session, and then the night goes a little later than either of you
expected, and you end up in one another's arms. And then, the next day, maybe
it's a little awkward, but again, you smile and laugh about it and shrug it off and
it's on to the next one.
But there's a problem with this idea of hook up culture, and it's a problem that
drives lots of men crazy pulling their hair out and throwing monkey wrenches into
their own efforts to bring women into their lives.
The problem is, hooking up with friends is that it doesn't quite work as
advertised. In fact, more often than not, it doesn't work at all.
But why?

The Fiction About Hook Up Culture
We've all seen the movies. Wild sex-fests where every friend screws every other
friend of the opposite sex. You hear the stories about the guy who shags every
girl in a social circle. It seems like all you have to do if you want to make it
happen is get good enough at social circle stuff, and then that magic will become
yours too.
But it turns out it doesn't quite work that way. You get good at social circle... and
then you get really good. And as you get better with women, you find yourself
sleeping with all kinds of girls really fast from outside your circle. But the better
you get with women and with socializing, the further from success with girls
you're friends with, it feels... in fact, you notice that they keep getting more and
more reserved around you.
You can tell they like you, but they police themselves increasingly hard around
you. What gives?
There is this myth it took me a long time to realize was a myth regarding "hook
up culture" and hooking up with friends. The myth is that it's really easy to hook
up with friends when you're cool and fun and sexy and you don't care.
But the myth is wrong.
Take a moment and think back over your experiences, if you've got a bit of a
background in getting together with girls at this point. Of all the social circle hook
ups you've had, how many were with women you knew well... and how many
were with women on the periphery of your circle? Women you'd just met that
night, or perhaps only once before?
I can see all the experienced guys out there nodding with me. Yep women
hook up with guys on the periphery of their circles. They don't have flings
with men they know well.
Sure, it happens. Everyone who's been in the game a while probably has a tale
of some girl he was friends with forever that he finally overcame the friend trap
and bedded, and it was spectacular. But how many of his closer female friends
did this happen with? Maybe one. Maybe two. For most guys, it's probably none.
Almost every girl you take as a lover who comes from your social circle, you'll
find, comes from the edges of your social circle not from the center of it. Girls
like:
The girl who's friends with your friend
The girl you bump into at a party
The girl you kinda sorta knew from class or work or some activity you're in
The girl you met once or twice before but didn't really talk to all that much
Girls like that. It isn't the girls you're close with that you hook up with. It's the
ones you aren't close with.
It took me a long time to get this. Most men still don't get this. It's why you see so
many guys plowing gargantuan heaps of time and resources into trying to woo
women they've known forever, and not getting anywhere. It feels counterintuitive
to say it, but the fact is, a guy is going to do much better with a woman he
knows less, whom he's invested less in, and who sees him as less of a
permanent fixture in her life.
Because once he's become a fixture in her life, she doesn't want to upset the
balance of things. She wants to maintain the status quo and the status quo is,
the two of them are just friends, and that's where she'd like to keep it.

An Oft Overlooked Disconnection
Men are risk takers. Women aren't. Men often forget this.
Think about it like this. There's one woman and two men. One of the men the
woman knows very well and is comfortable with. The other she hardly knows.
Who's she more likely to hook up with?
If you think it's a trick question, that's because... it kinda is. Most folks heck,
almost everyone out there you talk to is going to say, "Well, OF COURSE she'll
hook up with the guy she knows! She's comfortable with him, and that other guy's
a complete stranger!"
But women are not risk takers. They're risk averse. And when a woman looks at
a situation like this, her mind is looking at the risks. Here's what it says:
Oh wow, I really like John, he's so cool and charming and sexy, and I've been
into him for a long time. But if I sleep with him now, I might lose the chance to be
with him later, or I might lose him as a friend.
This other guy Chris, though, I don't know a whole lot about him, and he's just
okay... but I don't think I'm ever going to see him again, so it doesn't really matter
what happens. He is kind of cute and funny... okay, maybe I'll go for him.
And then boom, she goes with the other guy she hardly knows that she
likes a lot less, and the guy who knows her well goes home alone and
curses the gods for not making any sense. He's put so much time and effort
into this girl, and she goes home with that dirt bag she just met instead of him?
There are probably about 3 billion men the world over who've been driven crazy
by things like this at least once each, and oftentimes many more. This happens
to just about every guy. It comes from a common disconnect between men and
women.
Men's goals are to sleep with as many attractive women as possible. Simple
enough. You might see yourself as wanting to find your dream girl, but if you
happened to know three girls who met your dream girl criteria, and they all
wanted you... would you take only one and turn the others down?
We're men. It's simple with us.
Women's goals are also to sleep with attractive partners, yes, but in addition they
want to keep a lot of men in standby, for a variety of reasons. Those men on
standby can help them in their lives, do them favors (like I mentioned in the post
about Shopping Guy), or serve as backups if things fall through with their man
or they go through a dry spell or emotional turmoil. Women put a lot of time and
effort into building their stables of men on standby.
This is very important to realize as a man. Women will sleep with you if you do
things right, but if not they're often just as happy to keep you around as one of
their backups or social supports.
It's not that they're trying to use you, any more than you're trying to use a girl
when you want to sleep with her. Just like you're thinking, "Of course she's going
to have a great time in bed with me; I'm great!" girls are saying to themselves,
"Of course he's going to love being my friend; I'm wonderful!"
And that's where the disconnect occurs.

The Secret to Hooking Up with Friends
Then what about the guys who do succeed at hooking up with friends? What's
the secret?
There's one big, important secret all the men who do great at hooking up with
female friends of theirs know that all other men don't know:
They know not to become a fixture to women until they're prepared to
strike.
Men who hook up with friends don't spend a lot of time hanging out with those
friends all the time. Unlike the guys who try to win women's hearts by just being
around them constantly and getting to know them super well, these guys instead
only make brief, sporadic appearances, and often speak very little to the girls.
Maybe a few jokes here and there... and that's it.
They don't get to know the girls in their circle very well, if ever.
But wait, you might say aren't I a huge proponent on here of deep diving and
getting to know girls profoundly and intimately? Why, yes I am. I am indeed. But
recall that I'm also a big proponent of moving very fast with women.
There's a reason for that: if you get to know women well but don't move fast,
you become a very good, very close friend of theirs, and a fixture in their
lives.
And that makes you far too valuable to risk losing over something as trivial as
sex.
So, you'll notice that any friend of yours who's reliably good at hooking up almost
never gets to know a girl... until the night he takes her home. Only on that night
does he pay any attention to her and get to know her and talk to her and flirt with
her. Then, he closes the deal, invites her home, and they get together.
Until that night, he was on her periphery. Until that night, he was not a fixture in
her life.
That's the secret. The secret to hooking up with friends is remaining on their
periphery until the moment you decide to make something happen. That
way, you prevent yourself become a fixture, and prevent yourself from running
into women's risk-averse no-sex-with-good-friends policy that's flummoxed so
many men over the ages.
Just don't get too close with her before you do anything with her, and you're
golden.
What about the girls you're already close with? Well, keep them as friends. Or, if
you don't like them much as friends, simply fade them from your life and find
other people to fill your time with. It's a far more efficient use of your time to fade
out women you've become a fixture for who aren't going to do anything with you
and instead bring new women into your life you don't have that baggage with.
And next time, of course, just make sure you move faster and proactively look to
move women and invite them home and close deals with them. You'll thank me
for advising you do so, I promise!
How to Get a Phone Number from a Girl
Every Time You Ask
By Chase on Thursday, 1 November 2012
Fundamentals
Phone / Text / Email
Pickup
One of the most glaring things missing from
the content available on the blog here has
been an authoritative article on how to get
a phone number from a girl. I put up
"Natural Number Swapping" sometime
back, and that covers the basics; Ricardus
has covered phone numbers somewhat in a
couple of different posts.
But there isn't any one comprehensive post
written on everything you could ever want
to know about becoming insanely effective
at getting phone numbers.
Time to change that.
Today's article is a tour-de-force of all
the most potent, powerful tips and
techniques on how to get phone numbers that you could ask for, so you can
get the numbers you want from the women you want them from, whenever you
want, every time (or pretty close to it).
There's no reason you shouldn't be able to follow up with a girl that you like later
on after meeting her.
And after reading this article and following its advice today, you'll see exactly why
- and phone numbers will be a breeze.




Phone numbers aren't a big deal.
Really, nothing is a big deal... or, it shouldn't be, anyway.
Meeting girls isn't a big deal
Going on a date isn't a big deal
Sleeping with girls isn't a big deal
Taking a girl as your girlfriend isn't a big deal
Getting married isn't a big deal
Having kids isn't a big deal
Growing old isn't a big deal
Dying isn't a big deal
These are just normal, ordinary, regular parts of life that everybody goes through
and everyone experiences.
And the men we admire - and the ones women go nuts with - are the ones who
stay calm, controlled, and relaxed throughout... because for them, things aren't a
big deal.
The wise old man sitting on a mountain top doesn't jump for joy if he finds out he
has a grandchild... he smiles, and gives a few calm words of congratulations to
his son or daughter on the new arrival. And we respect him much more for it than
the guy who loses his shirt over what's a wonderful, but otherwise normal, life
event.
Put in this way, you should be able to step outside yourself for a moment and
realize that getting phone numbers is no big deal.
If you're good at knowing how to get a phone number, you can go out and
get 10 or 20 phone numbers from new women in a day. All you've got to do is
go out, keep meeting new women, and keep asking for their phone numbers.
But if you make it a big deal - if you freak out, get nervous, or get excited - it's
going to be a much more uphill battle.

Girls Want Guys Who've Done This Before
Like we discussed in the article on preselection, women are most attracted - far
and away, and by a large margin - to men that other women want.
Without seeing other women pursuing a man, women use a man's confidence as
a proxy for this - if he's confident, he must have done this before and succeeded,
which means women must want him, which means SHE should want him.
If he's nervous, that means this is a BIG DEAL for him, which means he probably
hasn'tdone this very many times before and succeeded, which means a lot of
women don't really want him... which means shedoesn't want him.
Cue the "creepy guy" thoughts and comments from girls.
"Something about that guy just seemed off."
To get around this, you've either got to:
1. Have done this many times before, or
2. ACT like you've done this many times before.
The chief thing is, you don't want women thinking this is your first time around the
phone number rodeo. So if you're new or inexperienced, kill the
nervousness.
How do you do that? Well, principally by following the next step...

Meantime, YOU Don't Want to Think Too Much
Yes, you want to pull off a smooth, solid phone number ask.
And yes, you want to make sure you come in the right way with the right strategy.

But no, you will not be successful if you are devoting a ton of time to obsessing
over what you're going to say and how you're going to say it beforeyou say it.
I remember a time, long after I'd gotten very good at getting girls' phone
numbers, where I'd met this girl on an airplane on a trip I was making out to
Milwaukee. She was very pretty, very sexy, and clearly very interested in me.
And I decided that rather than simply ask her as soon as it felt right and get it out
of the way as I usually do (we'll discuss below), I'd wait until the end of the plane
ride and make some big production out of it.
Well, wouldn't you know it, years of experience and conditioning went out
the window and suddenly the end of the plane ride came and I was as
nervous as when I first started asking women for phone numbers years
before. Needless to say, I asked her anyway, and it was not smooth, and I did
not get the phone number, and I never saw her again.
You cannot overthink getting a phone number. As soon as you start thinking
about it, you either need to ask RIGHT away, or just get it out of your head until
it's time for you to do it.
Overthinking leads to you psyching yourself out, and you'll sabotage yourself
every time.

A Few More Points on Psychology
The best sale doesn't feel like a sale at all, and it's the same with getting phone
numbers. Your objective in getting a girl's phone number should be to make
it feel as natural and effortless as possible. The better the experience, the
more likely you are to get what you're seeking (her number).
But there's another side to this too: making sure that the number you're getting is
good.
It's important that you know how to get a phone number the right way, because
the way you ask for a number affects a bunch of different things, both
immediately and downstream in your interactions with a girl:
It affects how likely you are to actually get the phone number
It affects how much and what, exactly, she thinks about you later
It affects how likely or not likely she is to answer your phone call or text message
It affects how warm she will be to meeting with you in person right away or not
It affects if she sees you as a friend, lover, or provider (see: "What Women
Want")
Because how you ask for and get phone numbers has such a big impact on how
things go downstream (notjust your likelihood of actually getting the number), it's
extra important you're handling things appropriately.
Fortunately, handling things appropriately is precisely what the rest of this article
is designed to teach you.




While you don't want to be overthinking things (overthinking is what nervousness
is all about), you also don't want to rush into asking a girl for her phone number
at the wrong time or in the wrong way.
There is a proper way of building up to things.
You can ask for a phone number quickly, or you can ask for it after an extended
conversation. The important part is, you ask for it once her emotions are in
the place where you can most effectively take her phone number.
I'll give you two scenarios - now tell me which of these feels comfortable asking
for a girl's phone number:

Scenario #1: The Instant Ask
You see a pretty girl on the street or at a bar and walk up to her. "Hey, can I have
your number?" you ask, without so much as an introduction.

Scenario #2: The Conversation That's Jumped the Shark
You met a girl, started talking to her, and things went great... for a while. But the
two of you just kept sitting there, and talking, and talking, and talking, for maybe
a few hours, until there was nothing left to talk about. "Well," she says, getting
up, "I've really got to be going."
"Oh hey, wait," you say as she rises to leave, "we should hang out some time!
What's your phone number?"


... back to the meat of the post. Which of those two scenarios feels more
comfortable?
Got an answer yet? I'll wait.
...
...
...
Here's the answer: it's a trick question - they're bothreally awkward!
And they're both unlikely to work.
But why? Well, the reason is, both of these phone number asks are
completely inconsiderate of the woman's emotions.
They're asking at the wrong time, and they show a complete disregard for how
the woman feels, what she wants, or what's most appealing to her.
And because of that, they're a total turn off.
Let's have a look at why that is, and how you can prepare yourself to ask women
at the righttimes for their phone numbers.

The Emotional Arc of Getting Phone Numbers
Learning how to get a phone number properly is a lot like learning how to do
anything else with women properly, from saying "hello" to physical escalation.
It's all dependent on emotions.
Which makes sense... emotions are the brain's intuitive logic center. When your
subconscious mind picks up on things, it tells you how to act through emotions.
Guy seems confident, cool, attractive, and suave? Emotionally, a girl responds
well to him.
Guy seems nervous, awkward, and uncomfortable? Emotionally, a girl feels
creeped out and wants to get away.
That's the overall picture of how emotions work. The smaller view picture is that
for every interaction, you're going to follow a certain emotional arc:
1. Meet (you're strangers; she's unsure about you)
2. Introductions (if your fundamentalsare good, she's interested instantly)
3. Repartee / chit-chat (she's finding you more attractive now; she's excited)
4. Rapport (she's feels the emotional connection between you)
5. Escalate (you move her or move things forward) or wind-down (you end things)
If you're doing things right(and want to have the best chance possible of having a
girl give you her phone number and setting things up to go well downstream) you
want to get a girl's phone number somewhere between Step #3 and Step #4 on
the emotional arc.


The reason why it's soimportant to get a phone number afteryou've established
some initial repartee but before things have begun to wind down and draw to a
close is to capitalize on emotional high points.
Watch any movie where two people kiss. They never kiss right after they've first
met; nor do they kiss when things are awkward or uncomfortable. They always
kiss right at the perfect moment, when things are at an emotional high point and
it just feels right.
Asking a girl for her phone number is a lot like kissing her in that respect; if it
doesn't feel right, it'll blow up in your face; but if it does, there'll never have been
anything more natural.
So what should you be looking for, then? How do you know when the moment to
ask has come?
You should ask her for her phone number when:
1. She seems comfortable around you
2. The two of you are "vibing" - e.g., conversation is happening easily
3. She's contributing to the conversation, telling you things about herself, and
asking questions
4. You hit a peak within the emotional high period - she's laughing, hitting you, or
clearly having a good time in some other way
You never want to ask her for her phone number on an emotional low point...
things are winding down, she's seeming bored, or she's otherwise unengaged.
That's becausethe moment you ask a girl for her phone number, she's going
to say to herself, "Do I want more of what I'm feeling right now?"
If the answer is, "No, this is not that great," her answer to you will be "no," too.
But if the answer is, "Yes, this is wonderful!" then her answer to you will be "yes."

Make It About a Date, Not a Number
Another reason that asking for a phone
number can be awkward both for her AND
for you is because she doesn't know what
you want her phone number for!
I mean, she knows you like her, but...
Are you going to send her 200 text
messages every day?
Are you going to call her at weird times to
tell her about your "feelings?"
Or are you just going to use her number to
ask her out on a date?
Because she doesn't know, the very first
thing that springs to her mind when you ask
her for her phone number is, "Um, why?"
But she can't ask that, because it's socially
impolite. So she's forced to make a
judgment call: do I want this guy to be
able to have unfettered access to my
phone to do whatever he wants, or do I not?
This is fine for confident, charismatic guys, because she KNOWS a guy like that
is too busy to go strange on her. But if you're anybody ELSE... if you're just a
regular guy starting out in game, who doesn't have James Bond super skills at
wooing women yet, she's going to wonder if you might by any chance turn into a
creep.
You know, those guys who pester women all day long with boring and annoying
text messages and never quite seem to "get" it. Or who call her wanting to get
into long phone conversations with her that don't lead anywhere and just take up
her time.
If you aren't super suave, she's not going to know if you're going to be "normal"
over the phone with her or not. So her entire judgment call comes down to
how normal you've been in the interaction and how much she trusts you to
maintain that normality once she gives you the power to call her.
Because remember, she's tiedto her phone. Anyone who has her phone number
can access her at any time and say anything to her.
And most women have had the experience of giving their phone numbers to a
guy who seemed pretty normal, then became obsessed with them or went
strange on them.
Want to get around this? Want to free the women you meet from having to ask
themselves a giant unanswerable question ("Will this guy be normal or strange
on the phone?") and instead make it really, really simple for them and easy to
answer?
Then ask girls on dates, not for phone numbers.
It's much easier for a woman to decide if she wants to see you again than it is for
her to decide if she wants you to have access to her via phone for the rest of
eternity, so don't ask her for that latter one - ask her for the former.
Your goal in asking women for their phone numbers should be to always
ask them about going out again first. This makes the phone number ask
natural, and almost a second thought.
Because after all, if she doeswant to see you again, the two of you are going to
need some form of long distance communication to coordinate that, right?



And now, we come to that all-important point: the one you've been waiting for -
how to get a phone number from a girl.
You've got the psychology behind it down:
1. Phone numbers aren't a big deal; you can get lots of them fast if you want to
2. Women want confidentmen who've done this a lot (or seem like they have)
3. You can keep yourself calm and collected by not overthinking things
4. Getting things right is important for the downstream with a girl, too
And you've got the general setup under your belt:
5. It's important to ask at the emotional height of an interaction, not a tail end
6. The question of, "Can I get you number?" is a giant question women can't
answer
7. You can help a girl out (and get a lot more phone numbers) by making the
question, "Would you like to see me again?" instead
Now all that's left is the technical stuff - the words, the actions, and the things
you'll actually, you know, do.

How to Get a Phone Number the Easy Way
There's an easy way to get a girl's phone number, and we mentioned it above -
simply ask her out first.
That goes like this:
You:[in conversation with her] ... wow, I can't believe you did that.
Her:I know, right? Well, I didn't have much choice... she was the meanest
teacher I ever had!
You:[laughs] You don't say.
Her:How about you, did you ever have any really nasty teachers?
You:I did, you know what - [pause to change course] I'm probably going to have
to take off soon, but I'd like to grab some food or a drink with you again sometime
later this week or next. Would you like to do that?
Her:Yes, definitely.
You:Okay, awesome. Let me grab your phone number so we can coordinate.
This goes so much more smoothly and easily than the traditional, "Can I get your
number?" line that most men throw at women you'll be blown away and amazed.
And the reason it works so well is in all the groundwork we've laid down earlier in
the post:
It makes the number not a big deal
You ask confidently because you needit to set up the date
It's a natural part of the conversation so you remain calm
It's established correctly so things go better downstream with girls
You ask at the emotional height, not a tail end
You completely removethe question of, "Can I get your number?" altogether...
... and you make the question, "Would you like to see me again?" instead
Much easier, much more natural, and you'll have a close rate that's through the
roof. You will almost neverget a "no" to this once you've got some experience
under your belt and you're executing it at the right time in the interaction and
without any hesitancy or uncertainty, because it's essentially built on a yes ladder
that leads directly to the phone number:
1. Is she enjoying herself? Yes.
2. Would she like to see you again and continue enjoying herself? Yes.
3. Should she give you her phone number to see you again and enjoy herself? Yes.
The only thing you've got to do, other than follow this process, is give women a
good enough experience in conversation with you (or elsewise) that they want to
have an experience like that with you again.
And for that, we've got a number of great articles on here about conversation,
including "The Art of the Deep Dive," "The Conversationalist," and a whole
bunch more; and we've got Spellbinding, our program on having amazing
conversations. Once you're following these and giving women amazing
conversation, wanting to see you again is a given.
It's that easy.
But there's one other way you should know about... and it's a heck of a lot of fun.

The Two Minute Number Close
What if you are legitimately in a hurry trying to get somewhere, and you see a
beautiful woman walking down the street... but you just don't have time to go get
in a conversation with her?
Is she just a vision of beauty you will never get to know?
Not quite. There issomething you can do.
That something is the 2-minute number close.

This is a more advanced technique than the one we just covered for getting a
girl's phone number. It's going to rely a lot more on your ability to open well,
convey a strong sense of presence and charisma right away, and to be confident
and self-assured while running day game.
But if you pull it off, you'll have a beautiful new woman's contact information in
your hands (or, in your cell phone, more likely) in only a couple of minutes.
Here's how it works:
1. You'll approach her, open her, and give your name
2. You'll explain that you really wish you had a moment to talk to her, but you're in a
hurry
3. Then, you'll tell her to give you her phone number
4. Finally, you'll finish that up by qualifying the ask so she doesn't feel it's too "easy"
And here's what it looks like:
You:[suddenly noticing and approaching her] Excuse me... I saw you walking
here, and I just had to come tell you that you have the most stunning walk I've
seen all day. I'm Chase.
Her:[a little surprised] Thank you - I'm Amelia.
You:Amelia, great to meet you. I'm in a big hurry, and I really can't stop and chat,
but I saw you and I might never see you again and you might never see me
again, and I think both our lives would be the poorer for it. So, I'll tell you what...
[pause, take out your cell phone] I want you to tell me your phone number, and
I'm going to call you and you'll have my phone number too. And sometime later
this week I'll give you a proper call and we can talk on the phone and figure out
then if you like me and I like you. And if we both like each other, maybe
sometime we can meet. Okay, let me have your phone number.
Her:Okay - it's xxx.xxx.xxxx.
You:Great. I'll shoot you a text later so you have my number too. Wonderful
meeting you, Amelia! I'm off!
Her:Goodbye!
You'll get girls who will politely refuse, and that's fine. But you'll also get girls who
will give you their phone numbers, and you can call them later.
For these girls, you do need to properly call them on the phone. I mentioned
in "How to Text a Girl" that I never make phone calls to women anymore. This is
the exception. When you've got zero rapport built up with a girl, it's a lot more
challenging to get her out for a date, so in this instance, when you've simply met
a girl briefly and grabbed her number, you do need to actually talk to her on the
phone.
The upshot though is that when you successfully pull off a ballsy move like the 2-
minute number close, you get massive attraction from women.

Parting Thoughts on Phone Numbers
The first method we reviewed for asking a girl if she'd like to grab food or a drink
with you beforeasking for a phone number is going to be your bread-and-butter
phone number ask. It's the easiest way to get a phone number, it works in
almost any situation, and it's extremely consistent and reliable.
The 2-minute number close is a special situation that you'll only use when you're
reasonably advanced and when you're in a reasonable hurry - when, for
instance, you're on your way to the airport, or to an important meeting.
Most of the time though, you'll be fine simply asking a girl if she'll join you out
again later that week or the next, and then simply asking for her phone number
so the two of you can coordinate. It's how you take something that most guys
make a REALLY big deal... and turn it into a harmless detail that you simply
need to wrap up before calling it a conversation.
If you've been sweating over how to get a phone number from that girl you like,
you can stop sweating. All you need is a couple of minutes of conversation - then
just ask her if she'd like to see you later on (remember not to be specific; if you
ask her if she wants to see you on Thursday, she's probably got plans, so stick to
general like "later this week or next week" - nailing down specifics is what the
phone number is for), and grab her number.
And just like that, we took a daunting topic like how to get a girl's phone number
and gave you the psychological underpinnings of what you're up against, the
general setup of how to pull things off right, and the exacting techniques you
need to grab a phone number from a girl in well night any scenario.
How to Pick Up Girls in Bars and Clubs
By Chase on Wednesday, 2 January 2013
Pickup
Seduction
Recently we've been getting a lot of comments from guys asking how to pick up
girls at bars and nightclubs. I've even had a few commenters on here asking if
any of the material on Girls Chase works in nighttime venues.
Well, that's funny to me, because almost everything I discuss on here was
developed, tried, and tested first in bars and clubs.

In fact, to this day, these remain my preferred venue type for picking up. You
won't find girlfriend-quality girls hanging out much in these places... and you'll
even find some downright crazy girls at times.
But if you want to pull off quick pickups and bring girls home within hours or
minutes of meeting them... if you want to put yourself in a venue where much of
the screening is already done, and a healthy chunk of the women there are
looking for something right now... and if you want to really train and hone and test
and refine your skills and abilities with women in a fast-paced, ultra-competitive,
extreme-as-extreme-gets environment, bars and clubs are it.
Now if all that appeals to you, well... where do you begin?


If you're new to the nighttime scene, you might not realize yet that different kinds
of bars and nightclubs attract different kinds of clientele, looking for different
things.
Just as you can expect to find different patrons in search of different meals and
different experiences in Mexican restaurants than you can in fine dining
establishments than you can in fast food joints, so too does the world of nighttime
venues offer a variety of flavors to suit all tastes.
Understanding what these are best prepares you to be able to go out and start
using these venues right now to find the kinds of women you most want.

The Different Kinds of Bars
Bars come in three distinct varieties:
Neighborhood bars
Dive bars
Popular bars
Bars tend to not be as suited for pick up as other nighttime venues, as they're
generally smaller, more brightly lit, and more "friendly" environments that are
conducive to groups of friends going to hang out, have drinks, eat snacks, shoot
the breeze, and dance. People generally prefer beer to liquor in bars.
Of these three groups of bars, dive bars are the most reliable pickup locations,
while neighborhood bars tend to be the worst. Here's a look at each.

Neighborhood Bars
Neighborhood bars have a tendency to be all over the map, in terms of patrons
and expectations. You'll find some neighborhood bars stocked with retired
military veterans; some that are biker hangouts; others that college kids stop by
in droves to pre-game at prior to a night on the town. Some them will have all of
these and more in a single venue.
A neighborhood bar is identified by its large gang of regulars, many of whom
know each other; its friendly and cordial atmosphere; and its acceptance of both
groups of friends and solo visitors there to pound back some ale and shoot the
breeze with bartender and bar-goer alike.
Neighborhood bars include:
Sports bars
Irish pubs
English pubs
Salsa bars
Generally speaking, these bars are not good pickup locations, with the
exception perhaps of salsa bars on a salsa night. You won't find many attractive
young women at these locations, and most of the ones you will find are deep into
socializing with people they're already friends with. Even at salsa bars, the most
favorable of these toward pickup, most salsa classes are held in the early
evening, and are more conducive to getting a phone number than they are to
picking up girls.

Dive Bars
Of the three main categories of bar, dive bars are the easiest spots to pick up a
girl at. Why so? Mainly because dive bars:
Attract less image-conscious people (thus, that new girl you've just met won't
care as much what her friends think if she goes home with you)
Are darker / seedier types of environments (which discourages from visiting them
women who are focused on everything being "perfect" or having a night out on
the town with the girls, or who aren't bar "veterans")
Are much more likely to serve as meet markets
The downside (depending on your tastes) of a dive bar is that the women in
attendance don't get all dressed up to the nines. The upside of this is that they
don't expect the best, so you can still manage to pull from here even if you aren't
on your A game.
Because women in dive bars tend to be less concerned with their friends'
opinions, or to be bigger participants in modern Western "hook up culture," you'll
typically find these venues the most reliable pickup spots.
One other reason that dive bars make such good locations to meet women open
to accompanying you home the same night: dive bars attract women more
experienced in the bar scene, and the more experienced in the bar scene a
girl is, the more open she tends to be to casual flings and rapid pickups.
As dating website OkCupid found in its famous analysis of website data "The
Best Questions for a First Date," the onlycorrelation for women between the
answer to any question and whether a girl said she'd have sex on the first date or
not was for the question, "Do you like beer?"
As beer is an acquired taste, and that it typically takes a fair amount of time at
bars and parties to acquire it, and the more often a woman is in these situations,
the more opportunities she's giving herself to hook up with men and the more
likely she is to get comfortable with the idea, it only stands to reason that the
more time she spends around beer (at parties and bars), the more she likes its
taste, and the more hook ups she has.
Thus, dive bars: home to female drinking pros... and hook up pros, too.

Popular Bars
Popular bars include:
Dance bars
Music bars
Piano bars
Karaoke bars
College bars
These are basically the big, hopping bars
that attract large crowds of attractive / fun-
loving young people. In terms of pickup
reliability, popular bars are somewhere
above neighborhood bars, and below dive bars.
Popular bars attract a more "mainstream" clientele; that is to say, not the older
and mixed crowds of neighborhood bars, and not the "bar veterans" of dive bars,
but rather your run-of-the-mill, ordinary folks out for some fun, drinking, partying,
socializing, and dancing.
The disadvantage of this is you get people less experienced with the bar
scene, which means a lot of women with reservations about hooking up in front
of their friends. And, because people always come to popular bars with
friends, and because they tend to have reservations about hooking up with
strangers in front of those friends,this makes picking up in popular bars a lot
more challenging than in dive bars.
On the plus side, you can find flashier / more "done up" girls in popular bars than
you will in dive bars (not necessary physically prettier, but typically better hair /
clothes / make up; "hotter," if you will). And you can sometimes pull - but usually
that happens later at night, when everyone's somewhat drunk and a girl's friends
are all over the place.
You'll tend to find that the most fights happen at popular bars, too; just as popular
bars attract immature women inexperienced with the bar scene, they also attract
a lot of immature men who easily become drunk, sexually frustrated, and
aggressive. So long as you're ready to sidestep aggressors and calm things
down after finding out a girl has a boyfriend only after he comes up and puts his
hands on you, and you keep your wits about you, you'll be fine.
Just remember that people tend to roll in big groups at popular bars, so tread a
little lightly if you're there by yourself. These places can still be fun, and you
can sometimes pick up from them, if you don't drink too much and you
keep your head screwed on straight.

The Different Kinds of Lounges
While technically considered bars, I'm including lounges here as a separate
category, mostly because they tend to attract very different crowds and have very
different atmospheres than most bars.
The three kinds of lounges are:
Hotel bars
Cocktail lounges
Hookah/shisha bars
Unlike bars, people don't come here to drink beer, or to party (except in the case
of some hotel bars); rather, they're here to relax, sip a cocktail, and make
conversation.
Dress codes at lounges are more upscale; while you may be able to get away
with t-shirts and loose-fitting jeans at most bars, in a lounge you'll want to have at
leasta button-down shirt on - if not a blazer or fashionable coat on top of it. And
forget about anythingthat doesn't hug your frame; looking good is more
important than feeling comfortable in a lounge.

Hotel Bars
For all the glamor of a hotel bar - imagine the mystique of meeting some beautiful
woman staying at the hotel, all alone in the room paid for by her company,
whiling away her night with a martini and a cigarette at the bar - they're actually
surprisingly difficult to pick up at compared to the other lounge options.
Partly, this is because there simply aren'ta lot of lonely businesswoman travelers
out there manning the bar at their hotels. And partly, this is because the hotel
bars that are popular - e.g., the Ivy Hotel bars, the W Hotel and its bars, the Hard
Rock Hotel and the bars it has there - tend to be trendy lounges akin to the
"popular bars discussed above where young people new to the bar scene come
to see and be seen with large gaggles of their friends - not to meet somebody
new.
So, while you'll often see and hear of lots of "hot" girls in attendance at these,
you'll also find them much harder to pull women home from than other lounges,
despite the often larger numbers of women present.
Women in hotel bars tend to have their "shields" up, ready to deflect incoming
male suitors on autopilot, no matter how stylish, attractive, or smooth those
male suitors may be. That's because they aren't being dismissed because the
woman has actually gotten to know them and thinks they aren't her type; it's
rather because she's working off the assumption that every man who bothers to
approach her here is "gaming" her, or a "playboy."
Best advice for picking up in hotel bars? Get there early, before the women
present have switched into autopilot dismissal mode. You still stand a chance of
meeting girls on a human-to-human basis at this point, rather than having to
break out your A game just to say "hello" like you will later on in the night.

Cocktail Lounges
Cocktail lounges are the dark, smoky places filled with stylish furniture, ambient
music, and people interested in people. Because they're so similar in clientele
and behavior, I'm including wine bars in the "cocktail lounges" category here.
Of the three main types of lounges, you stand the best odds of picking up girls
here, at the cocktail lounge; better than hotel bars, and better than hookah bars.
What makes cocktail lounges so conducive to picking up are the following things:
People go to cocktail lounges to relax and talk, rather than to dance and party
Most people in cocktail lounges are open to meeting new people
Music sets the tone for interactions, and the music in cocktail lounges (ambient
and house music) tends to be the music most conducive to seduction and
building and creating sexual tension
You'll find that women in cocktail lounges tend to be attractively dressed, open to
meeting strangers, and often somewhat older than the women you'll meet in hotel
bars (e.g., 21+ in a hotel bar; 24 or 25+ in a cocktail lounge). Women in cocktail
lounges tend to be classier women than you'll find in dive bars, but
similarly experienced with nighttime establishments and similarly open to
casual liaisons.
That means, when you ask her to leave with you and join you for a nightcap, she
won't flip out and tell you in a dazed panic that she needs to ask her friends first
(as women at hotel bars and popular bars are wont to do), and instead will simply
look you in the eye, smile like a minx, and say, "Sure... why not?"

Hookah/Shisha Bars
Known as hookah bars (or lounges) in most of the United States, and shisha bars
in the U.K., these establishments cater to laid back clientele there to relax,
smoke some flavored tobacco, have a few drinks, and chat.
While hookah bars aren't quite as conducive to same-night pick ups as regular
cocktail lounges are (as women tend to be seated more with groups of people,
and thus more "entrenched"), you'll find that, on average, they're somewhat
easier to pull from than hotel bars.
This is because they attract a clientele that straddles the middle ground between
hotel bars and cocktail lounges. While the women you'll meet here aren't quite as
experienced with going out as the women you'll meet in cocktail lounges most of
the time, they tend to be more experienced and comfortable with it than the
women in hotel bars, and, thus, more open to making new acquaintances
and more open to doing something with those new acquaintances.
Hookah bars tend to be more "casual" than either hotel bars or cocktail lounges,
inasmuch as people dress a bit less formally at these and act a bit more relaxed.
However, you can still find classy, modernist hookah bars with ambient music
and well-dressed women - and these tend to be your best bet for picking up that
night at hookah lounges.

The Different Kinds of Nightclubs
I break nightclubs down into three unique categories:
Dance clubs
Player's clubs
House clubs
There's nothing "official" about these terms, but they correspond roughly to the
types of venues you'll encounter.
Nightclubs offer some of the most "extreme" environments you can pick up
in, featuring quite often more worked up women, more jealous boyfriends, more
sexual energy, and significantly shorter escalation windows than almost
anywhere else. If you weren't too sure if the mantras on Girls Chase ofmoving
fast and attraction has an expiration datewere accurate, a few rounds in a
nightclub will settle all doubts.
Here's what you can expect in each one of these venues:

Dance Clubs
"Dance clubs" I define as super loud, often very dark nightclubs that serve as
little more than big dance halls for throbbing, sweaty scores of men and women.
Dance clubs play LOUD popular music, hip-hop, and techno, and feature little
sitting or talking area and LOTS of dance floor space. If I could pick any single
nighttime venue that was best-suited to what many women want out of
their bar/club experiences and worst-suited to what most men want out of
their bar/club experiences, it'd be the dance club.
When you read online reviews of a nightclub and see scads of women leaving 5-
star reviews that read, "OMG! This is THE best nightclub EVER! Don't just go
here... go here RIGHT NOW for the TIME of your LIFE!!!" that's a dance club -
and when you hear these things about it, you're either going to have one of two
reactions:
1. Inexperienced Club Guy:"Whoa, women are having such a GREAT TIME
here... this is probably the best place in TOWN to pick up at!"
2. Experienced Club Guy:"Whoa, women are ecstaticabout this place... that
means they're getting reams and reamsof attention from countless men,
brushing these suitors off left and right, dancing and making out with
others like crazy and then walking away like nothing, and basically feeling
like all-powerful princes who call the shots with every man they see and
leave every single guy wanting more. This place is probably the worst place in
town to pick up at."
The reason that women love these places is because they get mountains of
emotional validation from the volumes of horny drunk guys present. The reason
that men keep going to these places is because they get dances and make outs
and feel women up, and keep thinking that they almost got there and that next
time they're going to seal the deal.
Slow down, Casanova; you're not thinking logistics here.
Like we discussed in that sexual tension article, kissing women acts as an
extinguisher, or a "release," for sexual tension. Once you've kissed a girl, she
knows she's got you, and she doesn't need to keep going on with you.
Is it possible to pick up girls at dance clubs? Of course.
Is it advised?
No, absolutely not.
When I used to teach pick up in-field to guys, and I'd have guys signed up for
boot camps or one-on-ones, we'd usually do part of the boot camp at a dance
club, simply because there were so many women there to approach, and then
we'd do the rest of the session at a house club or a cocktail lounge or a
wine bar, because that was where the guys would get results.
When you're getting paid to train a guy, you want to make sure he sees results,
and most of these guys who are learning how to pick up only ever go to dance
clubs because they feel more anonymous and easier to approach in. But they're
also significantly harder to get results in.
A good rule of thumb for dance clubs is this: take whatever girl you normally get
at a cocktail lounge, and subtract two points. Or whatever girl you normally get
during day game and subtract four points.
Normally I'm anathema to the very flawed 10-point scale of rating women by
looks, but for the sake of clarity if we use it here that'd look like this:
If you normally pull 9s during day game, you can expect to pull 7s in a cocktail
lounge, and 5s at a dance club (6s on a really lucky night)
If you normally pull 8s during day game, you can expect to pull 6s in a cocktail
lounge, and 4s at a dance club
... and so on, and so forth.
Now, it is possible to pull the really hot girl from a dance club for a same-night
lay; but, it's very difficult. Because of the charged emotions and the tons of men
repeatedly approaching her,you're best able to pull same night from a dance
club if you have perfect logistics.
That is, if you're staying in a hotel right next door to the club, or your apartment's
a block down. You've essentially got to get her out of there and alone with you
and escalating before the emotional high wears off, and it doesn't last long.
Because you don't have any real connection to go off of in a dance club... just
emotion.
What about dance floor game, you might ask?
Same problem. It's emotional spiking. You might get a club make out, but once
you've done that for a while you'll soon realize that kissing girls in nightclubs
actually makes it harderto get them out of there going home with you.
As you reach mid-pull, she starts coming out of the cloud of emotions and
realizing things rationally... and suddenly, she knows the two of you are leaving
to have sex, and she isn't sureif that's what she wants to do. So, she objects; she
protests; and then, she begs off and leaves.
Dance clubs are very tempting, I know; almost every aspiring nighttime pickup
artist gravitates toward them eventually, for the number of scantily clad women
they contain and the just-out-of-reach feel of those women, who will dance,
touch, kiss, and flirt like crazy.
You can pull - sometimes, at the end of the night. But generally, this is only with
mid-level girls who are drunk and sloppy, confused and stumbling around. Not
fun, not pretty, and not the kind of girl you really want to take home, unless you
are very much looking forward to a night of drunk loving, morning-after
hangovers, and non-metaphorical walks of shame.
Trust me - there are better options out there for your nightclub enjoyment.

Player's Clubs
The player's club is what I call a club that isn't really a dance club - its music isn't
quite deafening enough, and there's too much floor space dedicated to non-
dance floor activities, like bars and tables. This is the kind of nightclub I first cut
my teeth in, in a venue named exactly that: the Player's Club.
Player's clubs tend to be more relaxed than their wild cousins the dance clubs,
with people moving frequently back and forth between the dance floor and the
other areas of the club, which are more lounge-like. If you get there early, you
can typically grab a spot at the bar while things fill up, although you typically
won't want to stay there long once the crowds start coming.
Like dance clubs, player's clubs tend to play a mix of popular, hip-hop, and
techno music (often badly mixed), though the volume is a tolerable levels that
you can shout some conversation with girls. It's still rather difficult to talk here,
and you'll find that attention spans aren't the greatest, and escalation windows
still aren't the longest.
Women are slightly more open to meeting new people in player's clubs than they
are in dance clubs. The secret here is to be ready to quickly peel a girl away from
her group of friends and get her moving and sitting somewhere with you.
You'll still find it logistically difficult to pull - player's clubs are similar to popular
bars in that girls are usually there with groups of their friends - but you'll still have
an easier time of it here than you will at dance clubs.

House Clubs
The crme de la crme of
nightclubs, if your interest is in
picking up new women to share
fantastic sexual experience with
(as opposed to, say, dancing the
night away).
When I moved to Washington,
D.C. in 2006, I had absolutely
zero interest in house music. I
was a fan of rap; it was what I
listened to, almost exclusively,
with a little Bob Marley thrown in
for good measure.
The house clubs of D.C.
changed all that for me.
Why'd I become a huge fan of house and ambient music? Simple: tons and tons
of good experiences tied to this style of music.
Emotional anchoring works on everyone, and when you've had consistently great
experiences tied to a specific type of music, you come to love it.
My very first night in a house club I met a stunning Peruvian girl who'd go on to
become my first real girlfriend and to-date the girl I dated for the longest period of
my life. On frequent visits after that, I picked up numerous girls same-night, and
met a great deal more. No other type of venue in D.C. held a candle to these. At
my favorite D.C. house club, I had a same-night pickup ratio of about 25%; not
bad for a guy with a beer gut and a baby face who was still for all intents and
purposes a beginner (and I was picking up some pretty cute girls, usually).
Living in San Diego, again, my most reliable pickup location was a tiny house
club / lounge. I ended up picking up same night or meeting a girl I'd later sleep
with even more frequently than at the D.C. location. I had great luck at another
big house club there, too.
Everywhere I traveled after that, I kept finding house clubs consistently the
easiest places to pull from. My pull rate narrowed the gap as my skills improved -
I found it easier to pull from the more challenging venues, while my pull rate at
house clubs continued improving, though not as fast - but house clubs
remained the easiest places to extract women from.
Why is that?
When I was new to learning seduction, I found that most of the other guys
learning pickup kept going to the more "mainstream" venues, heading to dance
clubs and popular bars, and kept not getting laid.
And I'd tell them, well, look, why don't you come to these house clubs with me,
you'll be amazed how much easier it is there! Not only that, but you'll be able to
amass a bunch of experiences going from meet to lay, build up your skill level,
and build up your confidence levels, so even if you really, really, really prefer the
girls at dance clubs and popular bars, heck, you can go back to those places
armed with better everything!
And these guys would just keep declining, and I'd run into them years later and
I'd be picking up chicks left and right and dating gorgeous women with incredible
personalities, and these guys would still be twiddling their thumbs at dance clubs
or popular bars, still no better at picking up than they were years before, or they'd
be locked up in a monogamous relationship with some rather rotund woman who
appeared for all the world to be the one wearing the pants in the relationship.
That's because house clubs are considered "underground." They're not
places you go if you're a normal, social circle-having, play-by-the-rules-being
type of guy (or gal).
Instead, at house clubs, you get all the rest: everything from weirdoes to beauty
queens, all the people who don't want to go to the more mainstream places
because either A) they won't be accepted, or B) they'll be mobbed by sloppy
drunk guys without style, grace, or charm, and unlike faux "hot" girls dressing up
to make themselves appear more beautiful for the sake of getting attention,
they're legitimately beautiful women who don't need more attention from random
men, and prefer to go somewhere they can disappear, relax, and be treated like
normal human beings.
What makes house clubs great for picking up, then? The following:
1. Ambient/house music creates a sexual vibe. If you've ever spent time in a
house club, you'll know right away what I mean when I say the pulsating rhythm
and deep bass used there creates a very sexual vibe. Where pop music creates
"dance the night away!" vibes, and hip-hop creates "grind-'n'-fight" vibes, and
techno creates "go crazy dancing and jumping!" vibes, house and ambient music
create "move fluidly and get turned on" vibes. In fact, this is the only music I
recommend if you want to play music back at your apartment when alone with a
girl, too.
2. House clubs have an atmosphere that lends itself to conversation. Women
are less "on guard" in house clubs that at pretty much any other type of venue.
People get into conversations here; random men with random men, random
women with random women, random men and random women. Everybody
socializes... it'snormal. A house club isn't like a dance club, where you go with
your friends and dance the night away... rather, you go to a house club to meet,
connect, listen to the DJ, and compare notes on other house music experiences.
3. You're much more likely to meet women alone here. You'll just about never
meet a girl by herself in a dance club, but women come alone to house clubs all
the time. While a girl would feel overwhelmed and threatened alone in a dance
club, the more relaxed air and clientele of a house club make her feel relatively
safe flying solo. She might be there just for a drink... but often if she's there
alone, it's because she's there to pick up too.
4. Women are far more comfortable slipping off into the night with you.
Whether that's to go grab a seat on the closest sofa, or to hop in your car and
head back to your place, women in house clubs have a lotfewer reservations
about breaking off from their friends and going with you than they do in dance
clubs. Partly this is because house venues attract a more experienced-with-
nightlife clientele, and partly it's because things are just more comfortable in
house clubs and she's more comfortable saying, "Okay."
5. House clubs are the most likely candidates to be "meet markets." Most
cities have meet markets, but it's not usually the places you hear about. You
won't find most real meet markets listed on Internet discussion forums; in fact,
the last time I checked on San Diego, one of the toughest places to pull from was
listed as the city's #1 meet market on most lists! This is probably due to women
voting up places as "meet markets" the places where they get approached by the
largest number of men... as opposed to the place where they actually meet the
most men that they go home with, or go on to date. Reactions vs. results.
So how do you find your city's realmeet markets? Simple - you look. Often, in the
course of your explorations of less "popular" venues, you'll find the ones that still
attract sizeable crowds, but that are surprisingly easy to meet people in, get
conversations going, and get compliance from the kind of women you like. Voila -
meet market found.
For these reasons, you'll tend to find that house clubs have some of the best pull-
to-visit ratios you'll experience. If you want the best odds of pulling when you go
out, go to a nightclub that plays exclusively house and ambient music.

Venue Layout Specifics
When you're gauging a venue to discern how good it's going to be for pick up,
you want to look at a few logistical elements in the venue's layout:
Size
Seating
Narrowness
Number of floors
Centrality of the bar(s) as opposed to the dance floor(s)
Whether there's a catwalk or not
Obviously, bigger is better (more room to spread out, wander around, and more
capacity for women to fill into), but the other ones aren't quite as naturally
intuitive.
1. Size: bigger is better.The larger the size of the venue, the more
women it can fit, and (unless it's a place in the process of failing), the more
people you can typically expect it to get. A good size also means more space for
people to spread out; you don't want a totally empty bar or club, but trying picking
up in a mosh pit and you'll realize that the more people there are, the more
women are on guard, and the less open to meeting strangers they tend to be.
2. Seating: look for lots of empty chairs and sofas. There's
nothing less conducive to picking up girls in bars and clubs than bars and clubs
with nowhere to sit. You know the ones; they're mostly big dance floors, with a
few VIP tables scattered about, or a few seats at the bar, and that's it. Look for
ample seating; the more space there is to sit down, the greater the likelihood that
there'll be somewhere to sit once you're meeting women and ready to move
girls.
3. Narrowness: narrower is better (to a point). Here's one that
might surprise you: narrower is better when your goal is to pick up. The very
most popular bars and clubs tend to be ones with lots of big, wide, open space -
but these tend to make women feel exposed, vulnerable, and more on-guard.
They're also not very suited to naturally "bumping into" women as narrower
places are. Obviously, you don't want somewhere that's so narrow it hardly fits
anyone in; but look for venues narrow enough in most places that it's easy to
meet women in them without having to close a big gulf of space, or stand there
uncomfortably without a wall or bar or railing to comfortably lean against.
4. Number of floors: 2 to 3 is ideal. The great thing about multiple
floors is the ability to move among them, keeping things "fresh." Once you've
spent much time on a floor, you'll find you've approached a number of the women
there, but changing to another level often means a lot of new women to
approach. One floor is too few; you're liable to get trapped in a place that's
tapped out. But more than 3 floors is usually too many; these places are too big,
too confusing, and tend to lead to too much defensiveness from women. Look for
venues with 2 or 3 different floors to spend time on.
5. Centrality of the bar(s): look for central locations. Venue
layouts tend to favor either a centrally located dance floor (most nightclubs) with
a bar off to the side, or a centrally-located bar (some clubs; more common in
bars and lounges) with the dance floor off to the side. You want to look for the
centrally-located bar(s) and relatively marginalized dance floor(s), as the central
location is where people tend to congregate, and pick up is a lot easier and more
consistent off the dance floor than on it.
6. Catwalk: look for these.Something you might not think to look for, but
I highly suggest you do, is a catwalk. Catwalks tend to replace dance floors on
upper levels, with a setup commonly being a dance floor on the first level, and a
catwalk ringing the dance floor and looking down over it on the second. What this
tends to mean is that the second level of the venue is entirely devoted to
standing and socializing, with nobody dancing - prime choice for picking up.
Additionally, women scattered around a catwalk looking down tend to be in
reflective moods, and more open to meeting new people.
When you find a venue with most of these attributes, you'll often have a winner.
When you find a venue with all of them... well, check the crowd, but assuming
there are enough attractive women in attendance, you've almost certainly
found a great place to pick up.


Bars and clubs are both straightforward places to pick up at, and a little
challenging and intimidating when you're new. Because of the sensory overload
most of these places have to offer (especially nightclubs), and the sheer volume
of drunk and sometimes intimidating strangers, they can seem a bit much,
especially when you're more accustomed to day game or meeting girls at parties.
So how exactly do you approach meeting women in these venues?
Simple: you need a game plan for the night, you need to identify which
women you want to meet, you want to screen women out, not in, and you
need your process down.
I'll explain.

Your Nighttime Game Plan
When I was still new to going out at night, I tended to fall into one of two patterns
in how I approached a night out:
I'd either spend all of my time in ONE (1) venue, or
I'd spend all of my time bouncing from place to place to place.
The former most often happened when I was going out alone, the latter most
often when I was out with a wingman, but there were exceptions to both.
I later started realizing that most of my pickups happened on the relatively
rare outings when I visited two (2) venues only, despite the fact that they
made up only a fraction of my nights out. I realized that on these nights, I was
using one venue (the first) to warm up and get going in, and one (the second) to
really burn the house down in and swing the bat hard.
Once I realized this, I ended up making this a part of my default nighttime game
plan: go to two venues, and two venues only, no more, no less.
A little later, I began experimenting with nighttime street game, and achieved
some of the fastest pickups in my life. I started viewing street after bars and clubs
closed as so reliable that it became my default "back up plan;" if I really wanted
to pick up, and couldn't do so in a bar or a club, I could probably do so on the
streets afterward.
These days, when I recommend a guy set up a nighttime game plan, I
recommend he set one up like this:
1. First venue:get comfortable approaching, and talk to a fair amount of new
people here. Get here early.
2. Second venue:arrive here once you've warmed up at Venue #1, but
before the main crowd shows up. Begin meeting people while it's still empty and
women's defenses are still lowered. Do your best to pull here.
3. Street: in between venues, and after the second venue lets out for the end of
the night, approach women on the street. Strike up conversations, then
immediately look to pull.
You'll want to be focused on talking to lots of girls, and the first venue is what
you'll be using to get warmed up and doing that. No worries if you have a bit of
approach anxiety; you'll get that sorted in Venue #1. And no worries if you come
off a bit stiff or unpolished when you're starting up for the night; by the time you
reach Venue #2 you'll be humming (while most of the rest of the guys just
showing up for the start of their nights are all thumbs with the girls).
You'll also want to decide how big an impact alcohol is going to have in
your evening; while sex and alcohol are decidedly linked, drinking too much is
a recipe for a bad night (that doesn't result in you picking up, or at least picking
up any especially attractive young ladies). I have a few friends able to mix
copious amounts of liquor with successful picking up, but these friends are
friends who've been drinking copious amounts of liquor for very long times and
retain a great degree of control over their mental faculties even as they drink
most of the competition under the table.
Unless you're a drinking pro, my advice here is to keep it to a couple of drinks a
night, and nurse those drinks. A slight buzz helps get you going more easily, be
wittier, more relaxed, and more on-point; being even a little drunk though is going
to mean you're off your game and making mistakes.

Identifying Which Women to Approach
Also known as "target selection" by some of the more technical students of
seduction, identifying the women you want to meet is something that can save
you a lot of both time and hassle, and up the odds you go home with a new girl
you like.
The problem with this, though, is this: you won't be able to do it without much
experience. You need to be socially experienced in order to have the social
intuition necessary for sifting through the various different signs and signals
you're getting from all the women around you.
For instance, a man new to the bar scene may see a scantily-clad woman and
think to himself, "Oh! There's a girl who CLEARLY wants to be picked up
tonight!" only to find that he spends a lot of time with her and never gets beyond
flirting with her.
Conversely, the same man may see a woman dressed in a t-shirt and baseball
cap and think to himself, "Meh, that girl doesn't want anything," only to be
surprised to watch her leave with some other man an hour later. "Maybe he was
her boyfriend?" the guy asks himself, knowing full well he wasn't.
The fact is, the flashier she's dressed, the higher her expectations are for
her night - and for YOU.She's expecting a night of heavy doses of attention,
men drooling over her, and only the most perfect Prince Charming sweeping her
off her feet.
If she's dressed down though, that means her expectations are virtually non-
existent. She isn't going out to be the pretty, shiny object... she's just going out to
go out. And that means that any attractive men she meets are a bonus.

I've long since adopted a personal philosophy of, "When you really want to pick
up, approach the dressed-down girls first."
The dressed-up girls are good for practice. And you will get these girls...
sometimes.
But for the absolute best return on the investment (of your time, effort, and
energies), approach girls who are dressed down. I've picked up lots of
dressed down girls who were every bit as attractive under their unexceptional
clothing (or more so) than the flashy girls were as lots of other men who wanted
to pick up were standing around competing over that one club queen standing
there shaking her booty and waiting for the next man to approach and try his
hand at her.
But once her clothes are off, it doesn't matter how flashy they were... all that
matter is how good she looks without them.
When identifying women to approach, then, look for the standard stuff:
Women who are looking around a lot / distracted / disinterested with friends
Women with open body language / feet, heads, or bodies open to the crowd
Women who look calm (not ber-excited, nor depressed)
... but also look for these things:
Women who aren't being as flirtatious
Women who aren't dressed quite as flashy
Women who aren't being the "main event"
While ovulating women tend to be both hornier and more flirty and flashier in
dress, as discussed in "What's the Best Way to Pick Up Girls? Get the Ones
Looking for You," these women often attract suitors to them like moths to a
flame, which means you're going to be facing:
1. Fierce and determined competition (men can "sense" fertile women, and
compete hard for them)
2. Women with higher "walls," their defenses in place from being swamped with
men approaching them
3. Women with more fickle taste, with lower tolerance for mistakes, shorter
escalation windows, and more fleeting interest in specific men
In other words, these flirty, fickle women you'll see men climbing over one
another to compete for in bars and clubs are absolutely, positively fantastic to
test your skills out on and push your boundaries with, and provided you're
already at an intermediate level of skill you'll learn lots from them when trying to
pick them up.
However... even with an advanced degree of skill, you'll only on occasion be able
to actually land these girls, and get them invested in you and leaving with you
and going home with you and going to bed with you.
The rest of the time, you'll just end up frustrated, wondering why it's so
hard to pick up in bars and nightclubs.
Well, when you're going for the same girl that half the club is too, and you're not
already a pickup pro, that's the equivalent of asking yourself why it's so hard to
win the NBA championship when you're not even in the NBA yet.
Is it possible? Yes, absolutely. Is it likely, when everybody and his brother,
including guys with better looks, who are smoother with women, and more
experienced than you, are trying their luck as well?
No, not really.
So if you're in "pick up TONIGHT!" mode, and not "learning and pushing
boundaries" mode, focus on the girls with the traits we talked about that
signal them as the easiest for you to pick up.

Screen Women OUT, Not In
Most guys new to pick up have a very simple philosophy when it comes to
screening:
Try to help as many women as possible pass their screens.
As a result of this, they end up with tons of women available to them... hardly any
of them the right ones.
Believe it or not, not everywoman out there is open to being picked up at any
given time by any guy who comes along and smiles the right way and says the
right things. Throw Brad Pitt or George Clooney in a nightclub and ask them to
pick up one particular girl you point out, and they might be able to... but even
with the advantage of fame added onto their good looks and great charm,
there's a good chance they get a "no."
This isn't a reflection on them, and it isn't one on you when you get rejected by
girls... it's simply the way things go; not all women are open to being picked up
by all men, all the time.
A girl might say "no" to Brad Pitt, but "yes" to George Clooney. Or she might say
"yes" to Pitt, but "no" to Clooney. Or maybe she doesn't like Hollywood very
much, and she says "no" to both men... but "yes" toyou. There are a million
different things that can happen with a million different women.
Thus, why you want to be pushing for investment and for girls to move with you
quickly into an interaction: to screen out the ones who aren't interested, and
to get the ones who areinterested in you rapidly upping their investment and
growing accustomed to following your lead.

Having Your Process Down
The last part of this, of course, is your process: you need to know what you're
doing with women if you want to pick them up and take them home.
We've discussed process a few times on here, but for the sake of simplicity I'll lay
out a straightforward process (the one I followed for years in bars and clubs, until
my targeting was good enough that I could be more selective more easily) right
here:
1. Do a fair amount of approaches to get warmed up and build social momentum
2. Open with direct openers, indirect direct, or situational openers
3. Keep moving and meeting new women, working to get quick investment and
move them, screening out non-compliant women and women who aren't
especially interested in you
4. Transition quickly from light early banter following your opener to deep diving,
broken up periodically with chase framing to keep things from getting too heavy
5. Get her sitting down with you soon into deep diving, if you aren't seated already
6. Continue escalating investment from the girl, getting more compliance, and
screening her via deep diving
7. Once she seems ready (anywhere from 20 minutes to 1 hour, normally), invite
her home
8. Kiss her within 10 minutes (ideally, sooner) of getting her into your place
9. Escalate to sex
This is simple and straightforward, but most guys don't have a process like
this.
Fact is, if you armed every guy with a simple process that took him from meet to
close, I guarantee you the number of men picking up women regularly would
rocket sky-high.
But, as a reader of this article, you're in a rather unique position... because most
men will never take the time to figure out what their process ought to be.
Instead, they'll just "wing it," and repeatedly go home empty, alone, and
frustrated.

How to Pick Up Girls in Bars and Clubs TONIGHT
You'll notice that most of this article is focused on the types of venue, with only
about a quarter of it on your actual process.
That's partly because so much of the pickup process is covered in various other
articles all over this site (see: "How to Get Girls;" "How to Pick Up Girls," etc.),
but also partly because the venue really DOES make a huge impact in the kind of
night you're going to have.
If you're spending most of your time in dance clubs and popular bars, like the
majority of men out there, you're going to be fighting an uphill battle every time
you go out to pick up.
By diversifying your taste in venue - and by getting a game plan and process
down, and by better identifying which women to meet and screening out the ones
who don't want what you want - you enable yourself to do what most men
struggle crazily to do and still fail to do:
Pick up pretty new girls, and take them home with you.
How to Go to Her Place Smoothly, Even
If You Just Met
By Chase on Tuesday, 15 January 2013
Pickup
Seduction
In the post on how to pick up girls
in bars and clubs, Kb asks,
regarding bringing women home or
going to their homes:
Cabbing works pretty well here,
but it is not sustainable in my life
right now. The night rates are
astronomical and as a struggling
college student who tries to go out
and pull almost every night, I'd
soon be living in the streets if I was
cabbing every other night back.

So what I really need is a way to
go back to HER place. I tried your
"got any food at your place?" a few
times and while it works with more socially attuned girls, most of the people my
age(19) really aren't at that level and just see that as you trying to get free food.

I was wondering if you had any ways to suggest to her that you're going back to
her place that while still subtle, will let a not so socially savvy girl know exactly
what you are saying without coming out and saying it directly.
That's a great point from him on one of the downsides of the "got any food"
question, and a good question. How do you go to her place?
And how do you do it... smoothly?
This article's here to answer that.


There's an interesting interplay between give and take, and it's no more apparent
than it is when you're looking to take that cute new girl you've just met (or the one
you've been courting forever and finally got out on a date and now it's time to
move things forward) back to your place or go to her place.
The general rule is this: more often than not, people are open to being given
things, but closed to having things taken away.
This openness occurs at an emotional gut reaction. For instance, imagine you're
sitting at a bar, and two girls walk up to you.
1. The first one says, "Can I buy you a drink?"
2. And the second one says, "Would you like to buy me a drink?"
If you're like most men, the first girl is going to give you a bit of a warm and fuzzy
feeling. "Ah!"you think, "This seems like a great girl. Clearly, she also has good
taste!" You're probably going to accept, but even if you reject, you'll be very nice
about it and be thinking about what a cool girl she is later.
Meanwhile, the second girl is going to put you on alert, make you feel
cautious, and raise your skepticism alarms. She wantssomething from you.
What elsemight she want? You're a lot more likely to say "no" to her than you are
to the first, and in a colder, more dismissive way, and you're also a lot more likely
to retain reservations even if you say "yes."
However, there is onebenefit the girl acquires by putting you on the spot in
example #2 and asking you to buy her the drink: once you accept, you're
basically following her lead. She's in control, she's calling the shots, and while
you're skeptical, you're also now feeling like you need to follow her.
In this way, putting someone on the spot and asking them for something serves
as a double-edged sword: it greatly increases the chances they say "no," but it
also increases your ability later on to translate that initial "yes" into further "yes"es
in due time.

How Girls Feel About the Various Kinds of Pull
When you're pulling women home, they tend to have various different
reactions to the various kinds of pulls you may use. That's because they
have various:
Degrees of liking and trusting you
Degrees of being open to sex in general
Degrees of being open to sex with you
Degrees of seeing you as someone giving or someone taking
Obviously, the more she likes you, trusts you, is open to sex, is open to sex
with you, and sees you as someone bringing value to her life, the more likely
she is to say "yes."
There is an exception - some women will "yes" more often to going home quickly
with men they find attractive but see as value takers rather than value givers. For
these particular women, that can be because if the man is doing everything else
right AND he's a giver of value, she may think he's too good to risk quick intimacy
on, and it's better to take things slowly and cautiously in hopes of getting a long-
term relationship with him. Meanwhile, the value taker who's otherwise
attractive isn't a relationship candidate, and if she finds him sexy she may
just decide, "Screw it, let's just do this and then I never see him again."
(Usually you'll want to keep things on the side of value giver. However, if you
become a verysexy and very attractive man, making yourself appear like a value
taker can be an interesting angle to experiment with - you'll get some markedly
different results with women, and not necessarily always bad, especially if you
struggle with getting classed as a boyfriend candidate too easily)
Assuming a girl likes you, trusts you, is somewhat open to sex, and is somewhat
open to sex with you(but hasn't yet made up her mind whether she wants this or
not), and you haven't kissed her or told her you want her or done anything else
knuckleheaded like that to pull the rug out from under yourself, here's how she'll
normally react to the different ways you can invite her home to your place, or
invite yourself over to go to herplace:
1. Blunt: "Let's get out of here," or, "Let's go to my place." This one works best
with women who've already logically decided they're going to sleep with you; in
other words, a very small minority of the women you will ever meet or date
(and vanishinglyfew under the age of 35). For the remainder, it produces either:
Immediate panic, trying to determine the implications of what's about to happen,
or
Momentary excitement at what is to come, swiftly followed by immediate panic,
trying to determine the implications of what's about to happen.
For that reason, I advise you to skip inviting girls home bluntly and instead go
about it a tad more eloquently.
2. Casual: "I don't know what else you've got going on today, but what say we
go watch a movie?"This one's a favorite of mine for daytime dates (e.g.,
weekend lunches). It's very low pressure, and it shows you're considering her
schedule and not simply trying to steamroll her or push her into going with you.
This invitation gets you some of the highest percentages of "yes"es you'll get,
because the girl's feeling is typically, "Do I like spending time with him, and do I
want to spend more time with him?" and if the answer is "yes," you'll usually get a
"yes." Thus, the question of sex doesn't even enter into the equation, and
you can tackle that one later when you're alone together in an environment more
conducive to intimacy.
3. Invitational: "Want to go to an after party?" "Why don't we go grab a
nightcap and call it a night?"This is another high percentage one, because
you're offering value, and when that's coming from a calm, smooth, sexy man, a
large portion of women will leap at the chance to accept a value offering from a
guy like that. Like the casual invite, this one is largely platonic; there are some
hints of sex in it, but that only serves to make her more curious.

4. Forcing a Decision: "I'm away half the time on travel, and I'm terrible with
the phone. I don't do dates... I just don't have time. If we part ways now,
we're not going to meet again. But if you like me, and I like you, we can
keep spending time together right now, and maybe tomorrow will never
come. Do you like me? Would you like to keep spending time with me?
Would you like to come with me? Then let's go."This one is one you'll use
when you're getting a "no, but let's meet later / no, but here's my phone number."
If you haven't had the pleasure of running into these much yet, this is a polite
refusal, and you will almost never see the girl again. So there's typically no harm
in refusing this refusal, and proposing that the girl come with you if she really
likes you because it's her only chance. If she doeslike you, she may relent and
say "yes." If she doesn't, she'll still say "no," and that's that.
5. Asking to Go to Her Place:I'll cover ways of doing this below, but I want to note
two things about it:
It always combines with one of the pulls above, and
It gives girls an added pressure of wondering, "Should I allow this guy back to my
home?"
Many women are uncomfortable bringing men back to their places (because of
fear of stalkers, or fear of social repercussions), which is why you'll get that last
one. However, if you've done a good job of making her feel comfortable with
you and/or excited about you, this isn't an insurmountable hurdle.
Those are your options for inviting a girl somewhere alone with you.
There's another option, for getting girls somewhere you can take them to bed
without a bed, of course: simply take their hands and lead them somewhere (a
bathroom, a closet, a bench or alleyway or staircase outside).
Most of the time though, you'll be inviting - either her to come to your place, or
yourself to go to her place.
Let's look at how you pull off that latter.


Let's say going back to your place isn't a viable option. Whether that's because
your place is too far away, or you've got roommates, you're traveling and you
don't even havea place, or you're young and "your place" really means "your
parents' place;" it's all the same - you don'twant to, or even can't, bring her back
to yours.
How do you go to her place instead?
As it were, you've got a couple of options, and each of them falls in one of the
first four categories we covered above under standard types of pulls.
But there's one thing you must do BEFORE you propose any of these.

Before You Ask to Go to Her Place...
... you must set the logistics up to do this!
Casually ask her, "What part of town do you live in?"
Once she answers then say, "Cool. You got roommates?"
Then, move on in the conversation. You'll come back to use this information later.

Go to Her Place with a Blunt Pull
When you're ready to pull, if you want to try blunt, you can use one of these:
Got any food at your place?
How about we just head to your place and chill?
You can often preface this with, "Your place is a lot closer than mine," thus
assuming the salethat the two of you are going to leave together (e.g., the
implication is, you wouldn't say this unless it was already decided that the two of
you are definitely leaving together).
That'd look like this:
You:How about we get out of here... your place is a lot closer than mine. How
about we just head to your place and chill and unwind from the night's activities?
We can hang and talk a bit more.
Yes, you are imposing a bit.Any time you're asking to go to her place, you're
going to be imposing. But it's okay - if she likes you, she'll say "yes," assuming
you're smooth and natural enough about things.

Go to Her Place with a Casual Pull
A casual pull combined with going back to her place will look like one of these:
I don't know what you've got going on the rest of today, but what say we head to
your pad and kick back a while longer?
I don't know if you're super busy today or what, but why don't we go to your place
and throw on a movie and hang?
Again, you can preface this with, "Your place is a lot closer than mine," or, "Your
place is going to be a lot less crowded than mine."
The full pull looks like this:
You:I don't know what the rest of your schedule's like, but if we're having fun and
you're not totally booked, what say we head to yours to hang some more and
throw on a flick? We can probably chat more easily there than at mine with a
bunch of wild roommates running around going ape.

Go to Her Place with an Invitational Pull
An invitational pull is a little harder to do,
because you've got to offer some sort of
value and you don't really know what she
has at her place - if you propose doing
something she doesn't have (e.g., a
nightcap when she doesn't have alcohol at
home), she may reject the notion even if
she likes you because she realizes she
doesn't have the thing you're asking to
do and thus writes the idea off as
unfeasible.
There's nothing worse than losing a girl
because of something as silly as proposing
something she can't do when a different
proposal would've worked just fine.
So, often with invitational, it's better to
propose grabbing something at a store or
restaurant nearby, and taking it back to her
place.
Like so:
Let's grab a nightcap and call it a night. I'll buy the alcohol, there's a little shop
nearby. We can kick back for a few minutes at your place; yours is closer.
What say we get a few slices of pizza to go? We can pick them up next door and
take them to your place since yours is quieter so we can eat and talk in peace.
I incorporated the rationale for whyyou want to go to her place (and not yours) in
the two examples above, so I won't restate. Those two are both fine as-is.

Go to Her Place by Forcing a Decision
You'll almost never use this one, simply because it's such an odd combination of
things you won't usually do, unless you're in an unusual circumstance (e.g.,
you're traveling without a hotel room, and don't have the money to spring for a
hotel or you're challenging yourself not to sleep alone that night and won't
allowyourself to get a room in a hotel).
These look like this (assume you've already tried another pull and she's resisted
or said "no" or offered you her number or a date later instead):
Well, I'm traveling. I'm not here very long, and I'm doing a million things while I'm
in town. So this is really our one chance to keep spending time together. If you
like me and I like you, we should do it. I don't bite. I'm not going to start a wild
rave at your pad and invite half the city over or anything. I just like you, I want to
hang with you, and I like talking with you. Do you want to keep spending time
with me? [she responds] Okay good; let's go. [take her hand and lead] Where are
we going? [let her point the way; then, you lead]
I work 80 hours a week and I don't do dates. The only way I meet someone new
is if we hit it off and we decide we really dig each other and we want to spend our
time together. If we don't want to do that it doesn't work, we part ways, and we
never see each other again. But if we do want to do that, then why wouldn't we
just keep hanging out? I'd like to keep hanging out with you. I think you're a cool
girl, you're a lot of fun, and I really like talking to you. Do you like me? Can we
keep hanging out? [let her respond] Wonderful! Yay! Then let's get going; the
night awaits us. You lead the way.
Not everyone is going to want to use this style - it's ballsy, direct, and it has a
high percentage chance of getting you shot down then and there. But when
it works - and it does work, at least some of the time - you've essentially taken a
girl you were probably never going to see again, and very likely just turned her
into a girl you're about to make love to.

Go to Her Place Using a Barrier
There's one other way of doing this, too, that we didn't mention above; that's
using a barrier.
We discussed barriers in greater detail in the article on being a challenge to
women; a barrier is something you use to get a woman contributing and
communicate to her what she needs to do, figure out, or propose if she wants to
move things forward.
A barrier with going back to her place looks like this:
You know, I'd really like to go somewhere that the two of us can chill without all
this extra noise and all these people, but my place is super far away.
Normally I'd invite you to my place for a nightcap so we can spend more time
together and talk more, but my roommates are partying there tonight and we
won't have any privacy.
There are two issues with using barriers here:
1. If the girl isn't all that interested, she'll simply say, "Yeah, that's too bad"
2. If the girl is REALLY not very socially attuned, she may miss the hint entirely (but
you can always suggest, "Hey, what about YOUR place?" - only if she's
reallyclueless, though)
3. This one's kind of obvious what you're doing, and some girls may even tease you
over it or laugh about it. Some girls think it's cute though, and find it more fun and
more respectful than other, more imposing, ways of getting back to theirs
You'll find that normally, this works best with a girl who really likes you, and
whom you either have a playful dynamic with already (so she continues to play
along), or she's a little inexperienced and won't roll her eyes and go, "Oh God,
that's SO obvious what he's trying to do. Couldn't he have been a little more
subtle or a little more direct?"

Parting Thoughts
You're always going to be imposing somewhat when you're inviting yourself back
to a girl's place. It goes with the territory, and you'll simply need to get more
comfortable with imposing on people.
Is it wrong to impose on people? Some people would prefer to never impose on
others, and never have others impose on them. But certain situations in life
simply don't get satisfactorily resolved without someone being a little imposing...
sometimes there just isn't a better solution. The best thing you can do in these
situations is to couch an imposition in enough explanation that she
understands why you're imposing, and then go on to give her great
emotions and a fantastic experience to say thank youfor putting a little faith
in me.
This is one of those things that's going to be outside the ordinary for most folks,
and you'll just have to break past the wall that's standing between what you do
now and what you're doing if you're doing this if you want to learn how to use
these techniques.
You don't have to; there are plenty of other ways to get a girl alone besides
inviting yourself over to her place.
However, this is just another tool to add to your toolbox. And if you'd like to have
the flexibility of being able to go to girls' places, instead of simply bringing them to
yours or taking advantage of impromptu logistics (a bathroom, the backseat of
your car, etc.), this one may be well worth learning and getting down.
How to Be a Sexy Man
By Chase on Friday, 11 February 2011
Confidence
Fundamentals
Pickup
Seduction
Style

Towards the end of 2008 and the beginning of 2009, I decided to focus my
energies on a new thing I had to learn and get down: how to be sexy. I wanted to
give myself a dangerous, edgy, exciting vibe, that compelled women to want me
and desire me and be amenable to moving quickly with me. At the time, I didnt
really know how I was going to go about it, but I set to work on cracking the code
of sexiness nonetheless.
Two years later, I bed women faster than ever, get strong initial attraction from
most of the women I talk to, and get told all the time that Im handsome, sexy,
and good-looking. When I meet new women, theyre more likely than not willing
to do as I command very early on in our interactions, and I can often suck them
into an almost trance-like state of interest and desire. This was something I was
doing only occasionally in early 2008, but am doing regularly and consistently
now.
The process of how I went about revamping myself from a cool, friendly, neutral
guy to a dangerous, edgy, sexy man is what Im going to share with you in this
post. So strap yourself in and lets get you turning on some beautiful girls.
Why You Should Want to be a Sexy Man
Before we dive in, lets talk a bit about what the benefits are to you of becoming a
sexy man. Like anything, its going to take a little work and its going to take a
little while to up your level of sexiness why should you bother working on this
and not focusing more on getting a promotion at work or a nice new car?
Im thinking of this particularly because my ex-girlfriend Im staying with in
California tells me about a coworker of hers whos decided that he wants to get
married in three years so his first step has been to buy a really nice Audi
convertible. He already has a big, gorgeous house, bought and paid for, and he
just paid cash for his Audi. Financially, hes doing all right; he was recently
promoted at work and is in a fairly important position in his company. He has
virtually no success with women and is currently being pushed around and
scolded by the one woman hes courting, whom from everything Ive heard he
hasnt even slept with yet.
Me on the other hand, Im the same age as this other cat, and while I formerly
had a good position with a prestigious company, Ive been unemployed for the
better part of a year, with no promising job prospects on the horizon. Everything I
own fits in three suitcases. I have no problem with women whatsoever though;
girls have been coming quick and effortlessly for me lately, and I have dates with
eight new women lined up within the next two or three weeks, not to mention the
girls Im still seeing that Ive already gotten together with this year.
Most men, when they want to attract more women, start building their
nests. This doesnt work. I could tell you about plenty of other guys I know who
are plowing themselves into advancement in their careers and making lots of big
purchases and who do awful with women, and plenty of other guys who are dead
broke and drifting around like me and are having success with women.
Now, I dont want to give you the misconception that material success and
success with women are mutually exclusive I also know guys who bring in a lot
of money and bring in a lot of girls, and Ive met (thought cant say I keep much
company with) men who are broke and jobless and cant get a girl to save their
lives. The point I want to make is that most men target material success as the
answer to getting girls, and it isnt. At best, its a tool. At worst, its a distraction.
The more I think about it, the more I think men pursue material success as an
attempt to woo women because its easier. You dont have to work on yourself,
you dont have to critique yourself, you dont have to change and go out there
and fail and refine and get better. You just have to work hard, save up, and
thenBOOM!, go buy something. Now that you have this new toy, the women will
want you right?
Heres the truth: women arent interested in toys. They might get excited about
your car, but that lasts all of ten seconds and a ride around the block. Cars are
mostly good for impressing other men. If you want to impress women, you
need to work on you. Sexiness, youll find, is one of the primary ways you will
do that.
Sexy men get all kinds of special privileges and advantages with women that
men low in sexiness dont get:
Instant attraction. Obviously, this is going to be one of the big ones. Lifes a lot
easier when women are instantly drawn to you. One, because youll find more
success with them, and two, because youll be working a lot less hard to get it.
Access to higher level women. The sexier you are, the more women youll
have access to. Women who wouldve been cold to me on the approach two
years ago now receive me very warmly and with a good deal of excitement. The
better you get at being sexy, the more options you have with more beautiful and
higher value women. They just respond better to you than they do to less sexy
men.
Ability to move quickly, get sexual fast, and have it feel natural. A more
friendly, neutral kind of guy who tries going sexual quickly with a woman can
often have it end up being weird or awkward for her. It seems out of character for
him to be doing something a sexual guy would do but a friendly guy would not. If
youre going to start moving faster with women which is what youll need to
do if you want more success with women and dont want to lose girls to lack of
speed youre going to need to step up your sexiness. Sexy men get to skip
steps in a seduction that unsexy men just dont.
Help from womens friends. Believe it or not, being sexy actually makes a
womens friends more likely to help you succeed, more often than not. What will
happen a lot is theyll see you talking to their friend, think to themselves you
seem sexy, then want their friend to enjoy having you and will help the two of you
get together. This makes for a much smoother, easier seduction than youd
otherwise need to put together.
How to be a Sexy Man
Once youve decided revamping yourself a little bit and dialing up the sex appeal
is a good idea and one worth a tad of your time and effort, you need to start
targeting those things that impact your sexiness the most. Here they are, in no
particular order:
Fashion. It takes time to develop a good fashion sense, so especially if youre
just starting out, dont get yourself feeling overwhelmed and instead seek to
gradually improve your wardrobe with time. Start by sizing yourself down into
smaller, better-fitting clothes, and look for more stylish things to wear. Look too
for colors that compliment your skin, hair, and eye colors; generally speaking,
people with lighter colored skin look better in duller colors, while people with
darker colored skin can get away with more vibrant hues.
Eye contact and facial expressions. Check out Elite Eye Contact and
Wordless Communication for a primer on getting some of these down. One of
the best ways to learn your nonverbals though, in my opinion? Movies. Many top
actors have their nonverbal communication down to a science, and you can pick
up all kinds of nuanced, finely hewn details by paying attention.
Smiling and using your mouth. Get sexy smiling down and smile slowly to
add sincerity and warmth to your smiles. Purse your lips ever so slightly (note:
not pucker, but rather purse), like what Daniel Craig is nearly constantly doing in
the latest James Bond films. The pursing of the lips, in conjunction with a small,
sexy smile, gives you a sexual edge to just about any facial expression you make
no matter what else youre doing with your eyes, mouth, brow, etc., if your lips
are slightly pursed and youre wearing a slight hint of a sexy smile, youll exude
sexual energy.
Walk. You should be walking like a male model on a catwalk, or a gunslinger
from the American West and you should be walking in a way that leaves some
space between your thighs. Strangely, I noticed that one day, after Id been
walking all day in abrasive pants in very hot weather, when my thighs had gotten
chafed, as I started walking delicately trying to keep my legs far apart so my
thighs wouldnt touch, I started having women telling me I had a sexy walk. At
first I thought they were kidding, but I soon realized they were serious. My only
interpretation is, a walk like that looks to women as though you have a large
amount of well, goods between your legs, which appeals to their
subconscious desire to seek out the most masculine man with the biggest set
of ahem confidence, shall we say.
Slowness. Sexy men, in many ways, are powerful men, and powerful men move
slow. And not just in walking speed in everything. Spend time slowing down
your movements and you will come across as far more self-possessed and
sexually appealing.
Facial hair. This one is going to differ on your face and body type and age.
Generally speaking, if youre under 30 you probably ought to have facial hair; it
makes you look older, and women tend to go for men older than them. Older
men can consider going sans facial hair as they may wish to look younger. Note
though that facial hair gives a man a degree of edginess, when done right, that
the boyish cleanshaven man struggles to replicate from looks alone.
Voice. Voice is huge. Its one of your primary tools for attraction, and its
something you ought to spend a healthy chunk of time working on. Youll again
want to turn to movies for inspiration; going after a newscasters voice or a radio
show or television show personalitys voice (unless that personality plays the role
of the sexual, dangerous man) is not going to get you the kind of results that
developing the voice of a sexy, powerful man in cinema. When your voice is
good enough, women will turn around to see whos speaking simply at the sound
of it, and theyll melt when theyre in a conversation with you.
Conversation thats focused on the woman. Your skill as a
conversationalistis important to your sexiness primarily because you will use it
to disarm womens reservations and allow them to feel more comfortable around
you. Your conversation should focus primarily on the woman, and you should be
both impressive and interesting, but also humble, in your discussions about
yourself and keep them brief, and turn things back to the girl again. The
impressiveness intrigues, the humbleness disarms. This is a skill, but you want to
drop something intriguing about yourself, disarm it with humbleness to make
yourself accessible and attainable, then move on and return the focus to her.
Easy confidence. Moving women around and having them do as you like is
vitally important to coming across as strong and sexual. Get used to demanding
investment from women in an inviting, non-confrontational tone of voice. Get
used to laughing off womens emotional swings, and staying stable and calm and
relaxed and content whether theyre cold, moody, or excited. Youll find typically
that women will often lose interest fast in men who reflect their emotions back
(and get cold, or moody, or excited themselves), and rather get increasingly
interested in and excited by men who stay warm and stable and content
regardless the emotion the woman shows.
Recognizing and responding to signals. In How Women Show Interest we
discussed the real signals women will give a man that they are interested in him.
Its important to work on your ability not just recognizing these signals, but
responding to them, sometimes with subtlety, sometimes with bold action. For
signals that arent strong, Take action now! signals, but rather signs of building
interest, youll simply want to smile a little more broadly and mischievously just to
show her you got it. For signals that demand you take action, though, you must
take action. Experience is the best teacher, and most guys are either too timid or
too bold when they start trying to do this consistently, but err on the side of
boldness if you have to choose as youll learn your calibration here much more
quickly that way.
Closing things out. Part of the reason that responding to signals is so important
to being sexy is that it shows women that you are a man who will not leave them
wanting. Remember that women tend to meet many men who dont pick up on
their signals, dont move things forward aggressively and boldly, and often leave
them disappointed and unsatisfied at the end of an otherwise good conversation,
meeting, or date. Responding to signals shows women you arent going to be like
one of those men; actually closing things out with women completes the circle
and gives the woman the satisfaction shes looking for. That means you must be
moving to get results as quickly as possible, not leaving women hanging, and
trying to get girls alone with you as fast as possible. Women will respect you for it
far more than they respect the slower, more careful men who take fewer risks
and get fewer rewards.
There are other things involved, of course, but those are the major factors. If you
get these aspects handled, youll be an incredibly attractive, sexy man whom
women will respond to with warmth and desire and will often take it upon
themselves to pursue. Chase framing is another one that helps, but you wont
use it with every girl, and women need varying levels of it some love it and its
quite useful with, others its too much for and you need to keep it toned down
with (typically, the women who view you as much higher in value than
themselves).
One of the main things that sexiness does for you is it disarms women in a
sexual way. Many men are cold, or aloof, or intimidating, and women stay
reserved around them and closed off and these men fail with women (then
become frustrated and get even more cold, aloof, or intimidating). Other men
recognize the necessity to put women at ease around themselves, but go too far
and remove intrigue and challenge, coming off as too nice and too friendly; these
guys get women disarmed, but in a nonsexual way, and they get banished to the
friend zone.
Training Yourself to be Sexy
One cool thing that is the case for sexiness but little else in the social and
seductive arts is that many aspects of sexiness can be worked on in your
own by yourself. You can watch films with sexy men and practice your facial
expressions and voice tone; you can perfect your posture and slowness of
movement; you can get your fashion handled and get your walk down.
You will of course need to actually implement all these things in real life with the
people you meet and the people you already know so they become your new
default traits and characteristics; for instance, as you refine your voice, you need
to begin speaking in that slightly different voice around friend and family and
strangers until you get comfortable with it and learn to speak that way all the
time. Most people wont notice differences in your speech even many that you
might assume are quite noticeable and they quickly forget how you used to
speak. My voice these days is vastly different from how it used to be, but if I try
telling that to friends or family who know me now compared to who knew me
back then, their reaction is always, Really? You sound the same to me! I
actually made a recording with my old voice and my current voice some time
back just so I could show disbelieving loved ones the difference.
There are other things you simply cant work on without being out there
meeting new women; your prowess as a conversationalist, your skill
recognizing signals from women and how they show interest, and your ability to
move things forward quickly and seamlessly must be learned in real life with real
women. I suppose you could practice drills for some of that stuff if you have
friends who are learning with you, but for practical purposes youre going to need
to be meeting lots of new women.
So, youll have to get out there and start refining these traits with real live women,
if you arent already. You can consider it practice if that helps; youre building a
skill (a whole host of skills, really). The neat thing is that sexiness carries over
into other aspects of your life; the same qualities that make a man sexy to
women also make him charismatic and engaging to other men. Your
friendships and relationships will benefit as you improve the aspects of
yourself that lead to sexiness.
Best of all, of course, as you train yourself up and learn how to be a sexy man,
youll get better and better results with the opposite sex. It can be a little
challenging to learn sexiness since not everything youll get immediate feedback
on; its well worth your time, though. I suggest beginning immediately, with the
very next woman you meet. You might just find she acts a little warmer, laughs a
little softer, and looks at you a little more desirously for it.
What Do Girls Look for? They Look for
This (Part I)
By Ricardus on Wednesday, 18 July 2012
Confidence
Female Mind
Fundamentals
It has often been said that both sexual
attraction and romantic love are value
based but is that really true and what
exactly does that even mean? What do
girls look for in a man?
And if its true that value and attraction are
linked and women are attracted to men
based on their value would it be useful to
know what exactly that value constitutes?
Would it help to know how you can increase
your value in the dating market place
both in reality and in her perception?
Absolutely. Absolutely it would.
And we're going to go into exactly what it is that women look for in men and value
in them, and what you can do to raise yours.
Now, before we get into the meat of how to attract women by being THEIR (the
women's) most high-value option, lets cover some background
Unconditional Love?
The journey into answering the question "What do girls look for?" begins with a
culturally treasured idea: that of unconditional love.
We want to believe that love can be unconditional that it doesnt matter how
good-looking somebody is, how much money he makes or how well-connected
he is socially.
As long as someone is a truly good guy deep down, he should be able to
get a beautiful girlfriend because he deserves her, and certainly she can see
his good qualities and fall in love with them.
At least, thats how Hollywood depicts it unfortunately, the real world is a little
bit harsher than fiction.
But before you get mad at girls for being superficial and wanting the bad boy
with the big guns or the lawyer with the fancy sports car, ask yourself would
YOU proudly parade your obese girlfriend with crooked teeth in front of your
friends because she has a heart of gold?
Right Didnt think so.
Well guess what? Girls are only human, too.
They, too, want the best they can get who could blame them? They wont date
a homeless guy, even if hes the friendliest man in town who always greets
everybody with a big smile and Gods blessings.
Value DOES matter.
The GOOD news, however, is that we men have a LOT more influence over how
valuable women perceive us to be than women do.
If a girl doesnt have the looks, thats pretty much it shes screwed. And despite
her lack of physical beauty, the best advice anyone could give her about
attracting a high quality man would still be to hit the gym, do her hair up, eat
healthy food and dress as stylishly as possible because men ALWAYS use
their visual senses first when theyre looking for a date.
And that makes sense because men dont really need a whole lot for
procreation other than a healthy egg to fertilize an egg with good genes. These
healthy genes are evidenced by a womans physical beauty her cute nose, her
facial symmetry, her voluptuous breasts and slender thighs.
Women, on the other hand, need a little bit more to have offspring than just
the most genetically healthy sperm they can get their hands on
prehistorically, pregnancy meant to a woman that she would need somebody to
protect her, look after her and provide for her offspring.
So while men are mostly attracted to visual cues, with a womans personality
playing a secondary role (at least for short time frame sex), women are attracted
to a COMBINATION of both physical and personality traits traits that show off a
mans mental and emotional strength as much as his physical prowess.
If this is nothing new so far, keep reading were just reviewing the basics here,
but this is about to get really interesting.
What Do Girls Look for?
I'm going to reveal the answer just below.
And once you have it, you will have THE
path to show you how to get ANY girl.
Oh, big claim again.
How to get ANY girl. Is that really
possible?
Yes it is its not only possible, but almost
inevitable if you are her HIGHEST
VALUE option.
Think about it as long as shes single and
looking, there is only one reason why she
would not hook up with you shes hoping
another guy whom shes more interested in
will approach her after you.
If youre in a High End Club in the worlds hottest Metropolis, you might compete
against famous athletes and actors, against millionaires flashing their platinum
cards for bottle service and against GQ Cover Model type hunks.
This is a game that can be won by either being AS high value as the
competition, or creating the illusion that this is the case but I dont
recommend fighting up-hill battles.
In the fight of David against Goliath, would you rather be the weakling or the
giant?
Sure I know how the story ended in the Bible but that is NOT my go-to
manual for seduction advice (although there are some badass stories and pearls
of wisdom there).
On the other hand, what if you were THE most handsome, interesting, wealthy
and well-connected man in the venue?
Its obvious you would automatically also be THE most desirable man to
all the women there.
There are a few different ways in which you can become THE most high value
guy:
1. Leverage Supply and Demand
a.) To raise your value RELATIVE to your environment
b.) To raise your value RELATIVE to your competitors
2. Increase your own value in ABSOLUTE terms, to hence rise above your
environment and your competitors
Ideally you want to do all three lets look at all the options in more detail then.
1. Supply And Demand
The first thing to realize is that sexually, women are higher value than men.
Oh stop it you know its true. I dont like admitting it either, because Im
awesome and by that authority, I demand that all women desire my... services.
Unfortunately, that is as far from reality as the fairy tale about the homeless guy
and the princess we smashed into pieces a little earlier so lets have a look at
the reality of the situation, and how to deal with it.
If women really were on an equal footing with men in terms of sexual value, you
would be able to find brothels where women pay men for sex. That doesnt exist
either.
The opposite, however, can even be found in nature among our closest cousins,
the higher primates scientists have observed again and again how male
chimpanzees bribed females with nuts and fruits for sexual favors.
It truly IS the oldest business in the world humans were already
partaking in the sex trade before they were even humans!
But lets forget about the monkeys for a second and get back to our goal
getting human girls (at least Im assuming thats what you want out of this blog
if thats not the case, things just got a lot easier).
Lets put the presupposition to the test:
If it is really true that sexual attraction is value based, then the laws of economics
such as supply and demand should apply to sexual attraction and figuring out
what women look for as well.
Is that the case?
Lets find out.
1a. - Shibuya!
Not to be confused with Buyakasha, Ali Gs greeting of choice, Shibuya is a
district in Tokyo the one where the most beautiful women of Japan congregate
to show off their latest fashionable purchases.
There isnt a single place on the Nihon Archipelago that has as many drop-dead
gorgeous Asian ladies in a single place they all come here to work as models,
singers, actresses or even hostesses.
Drop an Australian guy in the middle of that scene (Australias the closest
majority Caucasian country to Japan, and youll meet a lot of Australians there),
and hes a bit of a rock star simply by merit of the novelty factor alone.
As much as you may think that Japanese girls are exotic if youre a Caucasian
male, YOURE the exotic attraction in Japan.
And believe it or not there are clubs in Tokyo where a Gaijin man pays
2,000 yen to get in on a Friday night, while Japanese women have to fork
over the proud sum of 5,000 J-bucks for the opportunity to meet one of
these guys.
Now, lets say you just spent a night with one of these women, and after youve
had breakfast together, you hop on a plane to Sydney. That journey can be done
in an afternoon, so you can have dinner in Australia that same evening.
Picture yourself now, if you will, getting ready for a Saturday night out in Darling
Harbor if Asian beauties are your thing and you consider yourself a patient of
yellow fever, youll probably find plenty of Asian women in Australias biggest
metropolis.
But now the supply/demand equation is FLIPPED.
There are maybe 20 Caucasian guys for every 1 Japanese girl.
And the same Asian girl that paid 250% of your price of admission just for a
chance to talk to you might not even give you the time of day here because the
other 20 guys we just mentioned already bought her a drink each and she cant
even stand on her own feet anymore.
You get the picture
Supply and demand is very real, and the guys who fail to realize this and
leverage it to their advantage are the poorer for it.
But how do you do that?
1b. - No Drunk Guys in Supermarkets
My favorite way to leverage the supply/demand equation in your favor is to
approach women during the daytime.
How does that help?
Well, even in Sydney if you have the guts to chat up a woman in a
supermarket in the middle of the afternoon, you will have FAR less competition
than in the club with the 20 drunk guys.
Lets face it most guys are only able to summon up their guts to talk to
women at all because of their buddies Jim and Johnny Beam and Walker,
that is.
During the day, without their friends and without liquid confidence to fall back on,
most guys excuse generators runs havoc and if youre the one guy who can
stomach going out alone during the day for day game, chances are, you too will
hear the sweet words:
Thats the first time this has ever happened to me.
There IS no better chance to sweep a woman off her feet than to do an approach
that no one has EVER done to her.
Now, you dont have to go overboard with this you dont need to do anything
TOO crazy.
Just walking up to her during the day with the confidence to make a good first
impression and giving her a compliment (see: Day Pick Up) or asking her
Are you single? will suffice.
Remember you only need to be her most high value option right HERE
and NOW.
For instance...
Have you ever been in a classroom where that one girl started to look REALLY
good... but then one day you saw her outside class and realized, compared to
the other girls walking around, she was nothing special?
Have you ever gotten smitten with that girl at work... only one day to be out at a
work lunch and realized she could hardly compare with even the waitress in
looks?
Its not how amazing you are compared to every other guy on Earth, or even
every other guy she knows.
Its how amazing you are compared to every other guy in the running right
now.

And when you meet her during the day, theres really nobody else in the running
right now. All youve got to be is normal and sufficiently attractive enough and
good enough at process to move things forward.
So dont compete against 200 guys in a club when there are only five beautiful
girls there go downtown where you can find 200 pretty girls and nobodys
approaching.
(Unless, of course, youre in London, Rome or Buenos Aires everybody is
approaching women during the day in those three places. But, thats another
story)
2 Be That Guy
The final way to be her option with the highest value is the most obvious one, the
most difficult one to pull off and also the most rewarding long-term: really,
genuinely and authentically BECOME the most desirable man a woman
could possibly dream to be with.
What do girls look for in their men that you can become?
See:
How to Be a Sexy Man
How to Be a Dominant Man
How to Be an Alpha Male
Social Status: Building It and Using It
The Conversationalist
and, for good measure: How to Get Girls: The Last Post Youll Ever Need
So, in short form, what are the attributes of a high value guy, and how can you
become HIM?
1. A high value guy knows EXACTLY what he wants out of life and he is too
busy going after his dream to be taken off course by a woman.
This is THE most important trait of them all, and the FIRST trait you must
cultivate if you want to ever become the kind of guy who attracts women to him
like moths to the light. Women may distract this kind of guy from his path for a
few hours, but they NEVER taken him off course.
Ask yourself first where youre going, and second who youre going with and
never get these two questions in the wrong order. Author Unknown.
Ideally you want to be so busy carving out your ideal life that women fall on the
floor all around you like wood shavings.
2. A high value guy is GOOD LOOKING.
We have cleaned up with the myth that a mans looks dont matter several times
on this blog in the past, (e.g., How to Pick Up Girls: The Success Factor) but
it deserves to be reiterated here: take care of yourself.
a. Work out, at least three to four times a week
b. Eat healthy food to stay in shape and have attractive skin
c. Have your cleanliness and your grooming together to an impeccable frickin T
d. Dress well
As I explained above, good looks arent much more than natures way of
communicating health so the healthier you stay, the more attractive you
will automatically be to the opposite sex.
1. A high value guy is WELL CONNECTED.
Build out your social network. Read The Godfather (yes... the book, not the
movie. The movies good too, though) and realize that his power, for the most
part, has little to do with violence or money. Rather, it is based on a ridiculous
amount of favors he has done for people over the years that he can call in at
moments notice.
You shouldnt be Machiavellian about this. Simply network with as many people
as possible and get into every relationship with the intention of giving rather than
taking. Read Keith Ferrazis Never Eat Alone.
2. A high value guy is WEALTHY.
Sure, its true that you dont need money to get girls and if you use your wealth
to try to impress them, it usually only works to turn them off.
Your eyes match the color of my Porsche is NOT a good pickup line
That said, having financial security or even abundance is a trait women
value in men more and more the older they get. A girl in her early 20s
probably doesnt care about it too much, but once a woman gets closer to the
age of 30, she starts taking it into consideration, for obvious reasons.
If nothing else, sort out your finances for your own sake simply for the knowing
that your savings will last you at least for a couple of months if anything should
go wrong. It will give you an additional confidence and serenity that women
pick up on unconsciously and that will greatly contribute to your charisma.
So there you have it the value equation of pickup. What do girls look for when
youre picking them up? Well, to recap, on what you want to do to be successful
dont go fishing in a desert, position yourself right and build your own value
as much as possible, and women will show up in your life almost as a side
product
and in tomorrows article, Part II in this series of what women are looking for,
well look at the value equation in a different context than the one we looked at
today (what women are looking for while youre picking them up) this time, in
the context of dating and relationships.
What Do Girls Look for? They Look for
This (Part II)
By Ricardus on Thursday, 19 July 2012
Confidence
Female Mind
Relationships
In the previous article, we
answered the question
"What do girls look
for?" as it relates to
picking up girls how
you can become a man
of higher value, how you
can be perceived as
having higher value and
how you can leverage
supply and demand in
several ways to get an
almost unfair advantage
over other guys.
This week well have a look at the value equation again, but from a different
angle this time, well look at value under the lense of dating and
relationships.
Read the other article first (linked to above) if you havent yet, just to make
yourself familiar with all the fundamentals of what women value in a man, and
then come back here and well get started.
Read it already?
I take it youre back all right.
Lets dive right in.
The Queen Bee
In the previous article, we established that a beautiful woman has higher sexual
value than most men.
She is the queen of the night she is the one desired by all.
She is the very reason why night clubs even get built in the first place. More than
that shes the reason why men build careers, go to war and learn to play
musical instruments.
However, there is a flip side to that coin and that is the old saying: No matter
how sexy she looks to you right now someone, somewhere is tired of
sleeping with her.
I dont know if youve ever been in that position, but if you havent I can assure
you that it is quite frustrating. You end up in a relationship with your dream girl,
and you eventually have to face the harsh reality of biochemistry: attraction has a
half-life.
So as you can see, her power is limited it is not inherent.
Her power over any man is a function of the relationship she has with that man
and in many cases, it will flip in the guys favor eventually. With time, it almost
always does.
Theres a lot to this, so lets look at it a little bit more closely well analyze
several ways in which the power flips back and forth, and finally well take a look
at what I call The Sweet Spot what I consider to be the ideal type of
relationship dynamic for seducers (which you may or may want to be).
The First Power-Flip: Sex
When a beautiful woman and a man meet for the first time, he is usually in more
of a rush to sleep with her than she is to sleep with him.
Even if the attraction is mutual, balanced and equal, this automatically gives
her the upper hand in the situation, because the longer he waits before he
sleeps with her, the less of a sexual dynamic the entire relationship will hold,
which is really not in anybodys best interest.
Most women, however, are afraid of giving it up too quickly because they fear
being labeled as easy or slutty, or even disqualified completely from being
girlfriend material this is a problem that can easily be solved by framing the
relationship in a sexual light through showing her clearly that you are a sexual
man.
And even if you want to have more than just a sexual relationship with her, you
should do this with every woman you meet because until you have sex with
her, the unspoken assumption is that youre trying to get into her pants
and shes evaluating you to see whether she is going to let that happen or
not.
Another one of those things we dont like to admit to ourselves after all, were
awesome, and WERE the ones who are evaluating the women in our lives,
right?
Well, sure but you dont hear women say that they got laid last night or that
they get lucky regularly. For the most part, when women have sex its called
putting out for a guy or giving it up, which means that by default, youre in
societys frame: YOU want to get something from HER.
You can and SHOULD certainly frame against that but realize that this IS the
default frame when you first approach a girl.
Once you have sex with her, however, she loses this power the question of
whether and when the two of you will sleep together is off the stove, and the two
of you are now on a level playing field.
The Second Power-Flip: Commitment
The reason why women hold more power in the relationship before they first
sleep with a guy is that he is (usually) chasing her for sex and in any
situation, the person who wants something to happen more than the other
is the one who holds less power.
By the same token, the reason why women LOSE that power in the relationship
after they first sleep with a guy is that SHE is now (usually) chasing HIM for the
relationship.
Its the guys job to get the girl and its the girls job to keep the guy.
As we discuss in the article on commitment points, however, once a man
commits to his woman, and once she knows that she has him and he stops
keeping her chasing, she has moved back into the stronger position again,
because she now holds a monopoly over his sex life.
If he demonstrates to her that she is the only one for him and that the sun
rises and sets for her, he has not only put his happiness into her hands,
which is a REALLY bad idea, but also given her TREMENDOUS leverage in
the relationship.
Whats more she will continue to get approached every day. She doesnt have
to keep her options open new options present themselves on a silver platter
every single day.
So if you get into a relationship, stay sharp keep her on her toes a bit. Shell
thank you for it, and the relationship will ultimately be more exciting and
passionate for both of you and last longer, too. Read that post on commitment
points mentioned above for more on this.
The Passion Trap
There is an exception to the rule above if infatuation is involved, if they both
start to get attached to each other, a powerful biochemical process takes place
and in that case, the scale could tip either way.
I highly recommend that you read the book The Passion Trap by Dean C. Delis
if you havent already (Ive mentioned it a few times here) to understand this
dynamic better but in summation:
The feeling of falling in love is biochemically linked to the feeling of being out of
control in a situation
Thats why we often fall more in love with a person that we feel is slipping
away, and why we often fall out of love once we feel like we completely have
the person were in a relationship with
Both men and women experience both positions of this dynamic equally often
Whoever allows himself to become more invested in the relationship usually ends
up being the One Down and falls more and more in love the other person in the
relationship is termed the One Up and usually falls more and more out of love.
Again, I highly recommend you check out the book it is THE biggest eye-
opening book Ive ever read about relationships and Ive read a lot of them (I
know Chase is preparing to drop some major knowledge not to mention a
healthy dose of controversy on the world with his upcoming relationship book,
though).
I also recommend that you read only the first half, which is the diagnosis
of the problem. In the second half of the book, the author proposes a cure
and this cure is not much more than the typical communicate more pop
psychology drivel.
Thats not the answer not to attraction. Not to What do women look for in a
relationship?
Read the book for the diagnosis, and then read our blog for the cure.
The Sweet Spot of Value
Frustrating, right?
1. First, shes higher value and you have to
chase her around the block for sex.
2. Then, the playing field is level for a little
while but only until you actually get into a
relationship with her in which case she
has the upper hand again.
3. Unless you fall in love in which case,
things get REALLY messy and the
relationship usually ends in a Passion
Trap type power struggle.
Is it even possible to get the balance of
value just right?
The answer is a resounding yes but it
requires you to keep your mind open
and try a non-traditional relationship
on for size.
I have often described this model as the ideal relationship and even the
women Ive been in this kind of relationship with or that Ive even described it to
have usually told me they loved it.
What IS the ideal relationship, you ask?
The Ideal Relationship
First off, a disclaimer this model wont be right for everybody, and there are
certainly a lot of people who will find relative happiness in a traditional
relationship.
However, a traditional relationship will usually also require a lot of sacrifices and
compromises. Monogamy implies youre no longer free to hook up with the other
cute girls you see, and the Two-Year Drop always happens sooner or later,
causing the relationship to lose a lot of its initial spark and passion.
If you spend a lot of time together, fights will most likely be inevitable, and you
will start settling into a routine and, at least to some degree, get bored and start
taking each other for granted even if you do your best to avoid it, we humans
have a tendency to adapt to any circumstance and consider it normal.
So what kind of non-traditional relationship could solve all these problems?
Well, weve already talked about this relationship on the blog previously (see that
commitment points article) - but as I mentioned above, there is a balance of
power after the first time a man and a woman have sex together, and before the
time they commit to each other.
During this (usually unfortunately short) period of time, nothing is weird nobody
is trying to get anything from anyone, they can be normal together without him
chasing or her holding out.
There is no drama yet, no fights and no bickering, and the passion hasnt faded
yet. Routine hasnt settled in yet neither has boredom, and the excitement of
the first couple of dates is still fresh.
What if you could hold on to this sweet spot?
What if you could design an ENTIRE relationship around this dynamic?
You would have a relationship with all of the advantages of a traditional
relationship:
You have somebody to go on dates with
You have a steady sexual partner
You get to know each other, and over time, you will have somebody to confide in,
to open up to and to talk about anything with
You have somebody to spend nights with or take to social events or the movies
At the same time, this relationship would have none of the disadvantages of a
traditional relationship, as mentioned above:
No routine and boredom
No fights and bickering
No jealousy and possessiveness
No limitation of your freedom to meet other people
Now, you have to understand that in order for this to really work, it has to go both
ways whats fair is fair.
She doesnt have to commit in this kind of relationship either it will be open,
and that will go for both of you.
However, you dont need to discuss this its an unspoken dont ask, dont tell
agreement.
If you frame the relationship accordingly from the get-go, if you already let her
know the first time you go out together that you dont like commitment, and then
never behave like a boyfriend would, it will be a foregone conclusion.
Not behaving like a boyfriend would includes the following:
Not meeting her every week
Not calling or texting frequently
Not getting jealous and asking her whom shes been with
You get the idea
The Final Value-Flip
So, the above is an alternative type of relationship that circumvents just about all
the problems most couples usually struggle with and this is the only type of
relationship Ive been getting into since 2007.
It really is fantastic.
But, I know that this is not for everybody, so lets take a final look at the long-term
ramifications of getting into a traditional relationship, and the final power-flip that
usually comes with it.

As I explained earlier, women usually hold more power in a monogamous
relationship than men do see the post on relationship control and female
domination that is, this is usually the case unless the relationship enters into a
passion trap dynamic, in which case all bets are off and the entire situation is
probably going to get quite messy for a while.
(I KNOW that most people who read this article still havent ordered the book at
this point. How do I know that? Because Ive recommended it to many of my
students and friends, and a lot of them end up never reading it. Once you read
the book, you will understand why that is so shocking. This book truly contains all
the answers to the question: Why did this relationship go wrong?! for almost
every relationship).
So lets suppose you do get into a monogamous long-term relationship, and you
stick with your girl for the long haul. She is the queen bee; she is the Perfect Ten
in the club. Thanks to this blog, you got her and now you guys are staying
together for good.
After a couple of years, the ultimate value flip takes place: You hit your prime
as a man in your 30s and early 40s, whereas her beauty starts to decline in
her late 20s.
If youre both on a somewhat equal footing, value-wise, when you first enter the
relationship, you will eventually be in a much stronger position than you were
when you met her, and be a much more attractive man whereas she will be
less attractive with every year that passes.
Of course some say that love conquers all and that inner beauty is what matters,
but if youre reading this blog and if you are going after the most beautiful girls
you can find, Id say its probably a safe bet to say you value physical beauty as
well.
Thats just a fact of life but its certainly something to keep in mind as you
decide what kind of relationship you want to get into.
How to Flirt with a Girl
By Chase on Friday, 18 March 2011
Pickup

The other day I got told I was a very good flirt. And, I suppose, I am. Of course, I
wasn't always a good flirt... well, perhaps I was always at least a little bit of a flirt.
What's it matter if you know how to flirt with a girl or not? In fact, it matters a good
deal. Flirting is how you arouse a girl's interest and make her start
imagining the two of you getting together. And once you've gotten her
thinking about it and gotten her thinking about it in a fun, suggestive way
you're a lot closer to taking it out of her and your imagination and into the real
world.
In this post, we're going to focus on what most men do wrong when it comes to
flirting with women, what the right mindsets are for a man who's a successful flirt,
and what talented flirts do. So purse your lips and lower your eyelids a smidge;
we're going to get flirty.
Clumsy Flirts: Where Most Men Fail
Did you know that babies flirt? If you didn't, no biggie; most folks don't. My
mother likes to tell the story of how when I was a little infant, before I could walk,
when she'd take me out in the stroller and go around the shopping mall in our
town, I used to smile and coo at all the pretty girls who walked by, and I'd get
very flirty with the ones who came over to admire me. Guess I started young.
As it works out though, the majority of flirting done by small children is done by
baby girls, and this trend only accelerates as children get older. Boys are running
around and scuffling with each other and getting into messes; girls are talking
and gossiping and looking at the boys and flirting.
What that ends up producing is a whole lot of girls who are very good at flirting...
and a whole lot of boys who aren't. Flirting just doesn't come second-nature to
most men.
As a result of this lack of experience with flirting, when most men try to flirt, it
comes out clumsy and overly direct. Most men just don't really know how to
be subtle, and they don't really know how to tease and excite women the way
women know how to tease and excite men.
And that, there, in subtlety, is one of the primary differences between many
men's attempts at flirting, and women's successes with flirting. If you want to
know how to flirt with a girl, subtlety and implication is going to be something
you must learn.
But flirting is made up of two halves, and the second half is nothing like the first:
wit and chase frames make up the rest of the flirtation equation.
Of course, just like most men lack subtlety, most men never think to use chase
frames when flirting with women, and those two missing pieces subtlety and
chase frames are the main reasons why most men fail at flirting. Once you start
incorporating those pieces into your fliration repertoire, however, things change
in a hurry.
How to Flirt with a Girl: The Halves of Flirtation
Men who flirt want women to be having fun, feeling a little teased and challenged
though not too much and feeling turned on and excited. What a man does to
make a woman feel that way can be boiled down to a few technical elements. We
break flirting down like this:
The Two Halves
Subtlety and Implication
Wit and Chase Frames
Let's have a look how each plays into your flirting.
Subtlety and Implication
Most men's ideas of subtlety seem to be bluntly stating something outright, like,
"I'll bet you look great in a thong." Yikes.
By being subtle, what I mean of course is you want to fly under the radar and say
things that imply what you mean, rather than state what you mean outright.
So here's the typical man's way of flirting:
Girl: I love thongs.
Guy: I'll bet you look great in a thong.
Ugh. There's no mystery there; no challenge. By being direct and obvious, this
guy's robbed this exchange of all its fun. Here's the flirtatious man's more subtle
response:
Girl: I love thongs.
Guy: Thongs do have a very nice way of accenting the female form.
And another take on a reply using subtlety in response to the same statement:
Girl: I love thongs.
Guy: Oh really? Well, believe it or not, I love girls who love thongs.
You should be able to feel the difference in subtlety between the first, clumsily
obvious example, and the second and third far more implied statements. But
think about this: the man is more or less saying in all three of them that he likes
this girl, right? So why do the second and third replies the subtle replies feel
so much more flirtatious?
The reason why is implication. In that first example, it's stated outright that the
man likes this girl in particular. In the second and third examples, the feeling is
that he likes this girl as well but rather than come out and state it, instead he
implies it.
When you imply things, rather than state them explicitly, it feels more
exciting to women. The reason why is because there's a degree of "safe
intrigue" in it; she feels comfortable and assured enough that you like her, but not
so assured of it that she's bored with the lack of challenge. No, with an
implication, there's enough intrigue and challenge to interest her, while still
communicating enough of your desire for her to put her at ease with you and
open herself up to the challenge that is you.
"I'll bet you look great in a thong." This is the man stating outright that he likes the
girl. There's no challenge in it; no standard to meet. All his cards are on the table
and he's easy to get. It's utterly uninteresting and uninspiring, and a woman
spending time with a man who talks like this will get bored quickly.
"Thongs do have a very nice way of accenting the female form." This is the man
saying he likes the looks of women in thongs implying, though not out-and-out
stating, that he'd like this girl too, if she wore a thong. He's interested, but not a
pushover who's going to stand there drooling over a girl.
"Oh really? Well, believe it or not, I love girls who love thongs." This is the man
implying that he'd love this girl too assuming, of course, that she loved thongs
(which she's just stated that she does). Again, he's interested, but not a
pushover.
Tonality and facial expressions are as important as ever here. The difference
between a man saying, "Thongs do have a very nice way of accenting the
female form," in a neutral tone with neutral facial expressions, and a man
saying the same thing in a sexy voice tone with a suggestive, alluring look
about him, is miles apart. Check out the post on "How to be a Sexy Man" for
more on adopting the traits of sexy men.
A final note on subtle, implied flirting: if you notice those last two replies, they
both communicate the man has standards and imply the woman has met
them, while the first reply does no such thing, instead communicating blind
attraction. Women don't want a man who's blindly attracted to any girl with
decent enough looks; there are lots of girls out there like that. Women want a
man who's attracted to them, and communicating that you have standards, and
that they've met them, and that that is the reason why you're interested in them,
is how you show them it's them themselves you're attracted to, and not just a
pretty face with no thought to the woman behind it.
Wit and Chase Frames
Flirting is supposed to be fun. That's why wit is such an important element to
flirting well with women.
There are plenty of witty things to say with regards to that thong example we
used earlier (e.g., I'd probably say something like, "And I love snapping girls'
thongs against their butts when they have them on"), but let's change up
examples just to keep things fresh.
Let's use massages on this one. Let's say a girl says, "Nothing beats a good
massage." Here's our standard guy's reply:
Girl: Nothing beats a good massage.
Guy: I'm pretty good at giving massages myself, actually.
Another ugh for that one. Now let's see how a guy with a little wit might reply to
that massage statement:
Girl: Nothing beats a good massage. Guy: Shall I stand on your back later?
Another potential response:
Girl: Nothing beats a good massage.
Guy: Well, that depends... who's giving the massage, a beautiful woman, or a
woman who looks like grandma?
The difference here should be even more apparent than the difference between
an average reply and a subtle / implicit reply. The average reply in this example
features the man trying to prove himself to the woman and match himself up to
her standards; the witty replies feature the men giving the girl a friendly ribbing
and, in the second witty reply, showing off, in polite fashion, the man's interest in
beautiful women an attractive trait (women like men with a healthy sex drive
and the confidence to be tactfully honest about it).
Wit again, when combined with sexy tonality and facial expressions and a
powerful way of carrying oneself takes pressure off an interaction and
keeps it from getting too serious. Strive for balance, needless to say; if she's
laughing her head off the whole time, that may be good, if you're chase framing
the living daylights out of her, but otherwise you'll be working too hard and setting
yourself up as the entertainer guy. Instead, keep interactions flowing smoothly,
and hovering right around the middle, mixing deep dives with chase frames and
flirty banter.
And that brings us to, of course, the chase frames, with an example being such
as where you clearly and obviously pretend to be clueless or confused about a
woman's intentions, or what she's doing or saying, or what not, in order to tease
her by positioning yourself as the more "innocent" party, while positioning her as
the pursuer. Chase frames look like this:
Girl: Nothing beats a good massage.
Guy: Trying to seduce me by offering massages?
You see how this can quickly set a fun, sexy dynamic. The conversation might
continue like this:
Girl: No!
Guy: Good, because it won't work.
Here's another example:
Girl: I love thongs.
Guy: Don't try to make me think about you in thongs.
By twisting everything she says a little bit to position her as the pursuer
chasing after you and trying to entice you and turn you on, you make the
interaction very fun, lively, and sexual. This is flirtation at its best
lighthearted, carefree, and very exciting for women.
Putting Your Flirting Together
When you put both the halves together subtlety and implication, and wit and
chase frames what you get is pure dynamite for seduction. I'll give a final
sample flirtation:
Girl: What do you do for fun?
Guy: I'm not sure if I should tell you that. What do you do for fun?
Girl: I asked you first!
Guy: You don't want to tell me? Maybe it's something you're ashamed of.
So now here, we're using some wit and some subtlety to imply that it's something
sexual she does for fun.
Girl: That doesn't make sense! I asked you first.
Guy: All right, I'll bite. I like to tease bad little girls who won't tell me what they do
for fun.
Girl: Too bad there aren't any bad little girls around here.
Guy: Yes there are! There's one at this table, in fact.
Again, we use subtlety and implication the guy is saying he likes teasing bad
little girls, without outright stating that she is the bad little girl. Then he says
there's one at the table the implication is it's her, of course but refrains from
pointing and saying, "You!" He uses a general statement to imply a specific
instance (that particular girl). This is how implication works.
Girl: Okay, you got me. I am a bad little girl.
Guy: I know. It's obvious. You've been trying to seduce me since Day 1. Thank
God we met somewhere public.
Girl: [laughs]
Guy: So seriously though, what do you do for fun? Paint, draw, calligraphy...?
Finally, we end with a chase frame, and then cut the silly stuff and get back to
connecting. You don't want to overdo flirtation, and that's as much an
essential element to knowing how to flirt with a girl as all the primary
elements are. Keep it fun, but use it in moderation.
Boring guys are overt and don't really flirt. Annoying guys over-flirt and go over
the top with excessive flirtation.
Cool, sexy guys who get the girl? They flirt just right. Work on getting your
flirtation down, and you'll be flirting just right, too. And girls will laugh, and smile,
and touch you for it, and they'll be very glad they ended up spending the time
with you they did.
How to Get Girls: The Last Post You'll
Ever Need
By Chase on Friday, 8 July 2011
Confidence
Female Mind
Fundamentals
Pickup
Social Commentary
Socializing
The post "Should You
Pay for a Date?" is still,
it appears, attracting its
fair share of outrage
from what seems mostly
to be women, who don't
like the fact that I'm
recommending, based
on my own experiences
and all of those of every
man I'm acquainted with
whose tried both ways,
that men not pay for
their dates if they want better results with girls.
These commentators are protesting, of course, because doesn't fit with the way
they think the world ought to work.
But I don't write this blog to talk to people about the way the world ought to work.
It'd be great if men could just buy women dinner and women would automatically
upon the completion of that romantic date then become the men's lovers,
girlfriends, and wives immediately thereafter.
That's not what happens, though. And what this site is about is what does
happen -- what works, what doesn't, and everything in between.
So let's settle this, then. I've decided to craft for you, today, the definitive post on
how to get girls. After reading this post, your core questions on how to be
successful with women are all going be answered -- and any of you ladies
reading on here, buckle yourselves in because we're going to take an intensive,
in-depth look at the way you choose the men you do.
The Boyfriend Dilemma
I have a subchapter in my detailed, information-packed how-to ebook on getting
girls with this very title. I'm going to share a few of the opening paragraphs of
that subchapter here, to clarify what the "boyfriend dilemma" -- a core concept
you'll need grasp to fully appreciate what is to come in this post -- is all about:
As you get better with women smoother, more charming, sexier and more
debonair women will begin to recognize the success and good qualities
about you. They will be more likely to think to themselves, Wow, this guy is
great, and they will want to keep you for themselves and want you as a
boyfriend.
This means, however, that women will also be more likely to resist fast
intimacy with you. And a longer haul to get intimate means more work for
you, more chances that things can go wrong, and less time to focus on other
important things in your life, like business, travel, and leisure.
The more you improve yourself and your skills, the more you raise your
desirability to women as a boyfriend, and the more they tend to want to
develop a secure commitment.
In other words, the more amazing you become, and the more women like you
and appreciate you and see you as a wonderful guy, the more they're going to
want to hang onto you as a potential boyfriend.
And the more they're going to want to hang onto you as a potential boyfriend, the
more they're going to want to slow things down, put on their best faces, and
make sure you see them as fully 100% commitment-worthy.
That means, of course, that they can't be too honest about their pasts with you.
They can't be too honest about their own selves with you. And they definitely
can't go to bed with you too fast... lest you come to view them as loose, easy, or
worse.
The instant a woman starts viewing you as a potential boyfriend, and
believes she can have you as a boyfriend, she puts the brakes on
everything. She's got to be careful not to mess this up.
And what happens when someone slows things down, tries not to mess up, and
puts a lot of pressure on themselves?
They muck it up, almost always. It almost never ends well.
Our female readers make a good point when they protest that they like guys who
pay for them more. Because they really do -- they do like those guys more!
They like them so much that they might consider them for a relationship.
Which means, of course, that they're certainly not going to go and be so foolish
as to hook up quickly with a guy like that. That'd be silly and wasteful. Losing a
perfectly good long-term relationship candidate for a night of passion and
pleasure.
That's the boyfriend dilemma. That's what I'm talking about, and that's why,
among many other topics we've discussed on this site, paying for things for a
woman makes it less likely that the two of you get together.
It's not because women like you less for it, which seems to be what the female
commentators on this blog think I'm saying.
It's because they like you more.
Pete, Jerry, and Sue: A Love Triangle
Before we continue, I want to discuss why it's so important that you learn to move
quickly -- expeditiously, even -- with women. To illustrate the concept, I'll tell you
a story: the story of a woman named Sue, and the two wonderful, attractive men
she's met -- both of whom like her and both of whom decide to pursue her.
The two men Sue's met are Jerry, a charming, quick-witted salesman who makes
a middle-class income, and Pete, a charismatic, brilliant investment banker
pulling down six figures.
On her first date with Pete, the investment banker, Sue gets treated to a
wonderful, fancy dinner. Pete picks her up in his sports car, wines her and dines
her at the finest, classiest restaurant in town, and regales her with fantastic tales
of travel to exotic locations abroad and high adventure. At the end of the night,
Pete drops Sue off at her apartment, gives her a peck on the cheek, and wishes
her goodnight.
The next day, Pete gets swamped with work, and in any event he's heard it's
good to let girls sit and wonder for a while first anyway, so rather than jump and
plan the second date right away, he decides to wait a bit. He's a little nervous
anyway; he really likes this girl and doesn't want to mess it up. He's thinking
maybe a week later, he'll see Sue again, and charm her even more. It sounds
like the perfect plan.
But now Sue goes out with Jerry.

Jerry doesn't have Pete's sports car. He can't take Sue to a fancy dinner. And his
most exciting stories are about the time he got arrested for public drunkenness,
and that fight he got into trying to save his buddy who'd hit on the wrong guy's
girl.
Jerry meets Sue at a caf not far from his apartment, and they sit and chat for
about two hours. Sue's still riding the buzz from her date with Pete, and likes him
quite a lot, and is dreaming of what a spectacular wedding she and Pete will
have. She's thinking about what it'd be like to be Mrs. Pete. Meanwhile, Jerry's
doing a good enough job making her laugh a little and just generally being a
charming, sexy guy. Sue doesn't see much of a future with Jerry, but that's okay.
The two of them end up back at Jerry's place, and one thing leads to another and
they sleep together. Jerry's quite charming, and quite good in bed, and after their
first time being intimate, they have some dinner, and then Jerry takes Sue to bed
again.
Sue goes home, and now she's flooded with the potent emotions that came from
that fast, incredible date with Jerry. Even though he'd just be okay on the date,
the powerful ending of that date that found the two of them going to bed a few
times has left her feeling like he's a pretty incredible guy to make a girl like her
want to sleep with him so fast. And when he texts her a few days later and asks
her if she'd like to spend more time together, of course she says "yes."
Meanwhile, it's been a week since Pete's first date with Sue, and he decides it's
time to ask her out again. This time, Pete invites Sue to see that new play in town
-- he figures it'll be a great outing for the two of them. Sue agrees, and again he
picks her up and drives her to the play.
Sue and Pete sit there during the play, and while Sue still likes Pete, the
emotions that intimacy with a new partner creates are swirling crazily in her head
as she thinks obsessively about Jerry. She can't wait to see him again, and she
spends most of her date with Pete fantasizing about her next night with Jerry. At
the end of the date, again, Pete drives Sue home, gives her a peck on the cheek,
and bids her goodnight.
Sue sees Jerry a few more times over the next week, and they have some fun
conversations, Sue cooks Jerry some food at his apartment, and they go to bed
each time, Sue waking up the next morning feeling wonderful. Then, after
another week has passed, Pete asks her on another date. Sue debates, not sure
if she wants to go -- but Pete's such a great guy, she'd feel bad about saying no.
So she says okay.
This time, Pete takes Sue back to his apartment, and cooks her a three course
meal. He's truly an exceptional cook, and his apartment is splendidly well-
appointed. He has candles on, and romantic music playing in the background.
After dinner, he goes for the kiss. Sue pushes him away.
"Pete," she tells him, "you're great, but this is way too fast for me."
Pete's a little taken aback; it's the third date -- he thought that was the rule. Take
a girl out on three dates, and on the third date you get together. But now Sue
was telling him it was still too soon.
Pete drives Sue back to her place, fishes for a kiss again, but only ends up
getting another peck on the cheek. He tries calling her and texting her to meet up
over the next week, but she's evasive. She never has time for him anymore.
He doesn't know why, but we do: it's because she's with Jerry, and she's falling
for him. Eventually, Jerry decides he likes Sue a lot, and he makes her his
girlfriend. Pete spends the next few months still texting or calling Sue
occasionally, and she's always polite but never all that interested. He leaves
scratching his head, wondering what happened.
What did happen?
Why the Man Who Moves Fast Finds Success
There are two major factors at play in that
story above that determined the outcome
for Pete and Jerry with Sue. Did you spot
them?
In case you didn't, here they are:
1) How fast each man moved to get Sue in
bed and make her "his," and
2) How hard each man worked to establish
his long term potential.
Mainstream society -- including most
women -- will tell you you ought to move
slow, be gentlemanly, and show a woman
what a great, fantastic option you'll be for
the long-term.
Great advice, except...
It doesn't work!!!
So many men out there end up like Pete, having spent so much time, money,
and heartache thinking they know how to get girls, trying so hard to get girls, then
ending up wondering how on Earth they failed to succeed.
They never realize that that combination of taking things too slow, coupled with
positioning themselves as exceptional candidates for the boyfriend position, is,
the vast majority of the time, a love-life death sentence.
If you ask a woman if women like bad boys or if they like cads, she's going to
tell you no, not at all.
And yet you keep hearing women complaining how they keep ending up with
those bad men they don't like.
This confuses regular guys to no end. They don't get it.
But the reason why the "bad boys" -- guys like Jerry, our salesman from the story
above -- end up with girls: it's because they avoid getting themselves slotted as
boyfriends women must move carefully with, and they move fast with women
and get women in bed.
Period. A girl's not yours until you've been intimate with her a few times. Until
then, she's on the market, and she's waiting for someone to come snap her up.
Think about these scenarios:
A man's wining and dining a woman once a week, but hasn't taken her to bed
yet.
A man's writing songs and love letters to a girl, but hasn't taken her to bed yet.
A man goes on shopping trips and watches movies with a girl, but hasn't taken
her to bed yet.
Now ask yourself... out of ANY of those scenarios... how many of those men do
you think will STILL get the girl if a guy like Jerry comes along and sweeps her
off her feet and takes her to bed and sees her a few more times before those
guys ever make a move?
The guy who's wining and dining her isn't going to steal her away from Jerry.
The guy who's writing sonnets to her isn't going to steal her away from Jerry.
The guy who's her shopping pal isn't going to steal her away from Jerry.
The man who takes a woman to bed is the man who gets her. Plain and
simple. So, romance is great, being gentlemanly with women is nice, but you've
got to, got to, got to make getting girls in bed your top priority if you want the best
percentage chance you can get with them.
And avoiding the boyfriend designation -- prior to intimacy, anyway -- is a big part
of helping you get there as fast as possible. Women don't like men who fail their
boyfriend criteria as much -- but it's still very possible they like them enough to
end up in bed with them. And once you're taking a girl to bed, if you decide you
want her as a girlfriend after all, you've got a hell of a better chance of having her
as that than the guy who's still chasing after her.

How to Get Girls with Ridiculous Consistency
When I first started learning how to get girls 6 years ago, I didn't realize that
speed and avoiding the boyfriend designation were key. I thought the keys were
to be as interesting as you possibly could, to show women what an incredible,
amazing guy you were, and to disarm their fears that all you wanted with them
was to go to bed and that's it.
I look back at that now, and all I can think is... how silly of me! No wonder I used
to flounder around so much. *head slap*
You must move fast with women. And you must avoid the boyfriend designation
(while still being a likeable enough guy). Let's look at some of the ways you'll
best be able to do both things -- we'll start with moving fast with women:
Moving Fast with Women
Sparking conversation with new women with statements of genuine
interest: this is stuff like, "I saw you walking here, and I had to come tell you that
you have the most incredible sense of style I've seen all day. I'm Jake." This gets
you moving quickly off the bat -- women know what you're about, and they know
you're not going to beat around the bush. Lower opening percentage than the
women you open with stuff like, "Can you tell me where the fancy clothing store
is?" but God, the women it does open are so much more into you.
Exchanging names right away: I find it hard to believe there's even a debate on
this. Some guys think it's better to not tell a girl your name until she asks... then
you know she really likes you, goes the thinking, and plus you make her work for
it. No, throw this out. Exchange names so you're not strangers, right away. Then
you can start getting to know each other from the outset and it isn't awkward.
Get to know her ASAP: a few boring questions are fine so long as you're
directing those questions toward deep diving and getting to know the most
important things about a girl: wants, dreams, hopes, passions. Most guys go for
facts (what do you do, where do you live, how long have you been in town, etc.),
and that stuff's good... but only as a jumping off point! You need to use those
things to get to the substance of who she really is -- not get caught up in them,
like most men do (to their great detriment).
Move her ASAP: until you've moved a girl somewhere, you're still just some guy
she's having a casual conversation with. Once you've moved her, and she's gone
with you, you're now a guy she's committing her time and effort into and actively
working to get to know. Ask her to move -- either to stand somewhere more
comfortable or less noisy, or to grab a seat, or to walk in your direction, or to just
walk around in general -- within 3 to 5 minutes at the most, typically. If she won't
move with you in 3 to 5 minutes of meeting you, she probably won't do anything
else with you, either.
Get contact information fast: you should grab a girl's follow up information
within a few minutes of meeting her, provided you're going for it at all. Check out
the post on "Natural Number Swapping" for more on doing that easily and
smoothly. Then, continue on with the conversation as if nothing'd happened once
you have her follow up info.
Take her home soon, or end the interaction: if you see my interactions with
women, you'll notice that these days I mostly either take a girl home within 30
minutes of meeting her, or I grab her follow up information and I end the
interaction within 10 minutes of meeting her. I highly recommend you work to get
your numbers to a similar place -- spending excess time with a woman doesn't
help you attract her more. It just increases the chance that you make a mistake
somewhere along the line and lose her.
Set up a date within days of meeting her: you should aim to see a girl the next
day or at least within 2 to 3 days of first meeting her. This significantly increases
the odds she says "yes" and agrees to meet you, and that she still has some
strong, good memories tied to your first encounter.
Simplify your dates: there's really no reason for fun or fancy dates, unless
you're looking for a friend rather than a lover. Keep it simple and keep the focus
on you and her, and the two of you getting to know each other, rather than on the
things that you're doing.
Invite her home: you should do this within 2 to 3 hours maximum of being on a
date with a girl. Thinking that you'll see her on a second date is getting you very
dangerously close to boyfriend-candidate territory (more on that in a second), so
work to get her home on Date #1 if at all possible.
Make a move and escalate physically: nothing worse than taking a girl home,
not making a move, and her leaving after an uneventful night. She leaves
frustrated and disappointed, and you end up kicking yourself, angry for not taking
action and quite probably losing that girl forever. Instead, set a timer for yourself -
- no girl's allowed alone with you for more than 10 minutes without getting kissed.
And, for avoiding landing up in potential-boyfriend-no-man's-land:
Avoiding the Nomination to Boyfriend Candidacy
Be a sexy man: this one makes you more desirable as a fast partner, and
makes you seem more like potentially a "bad guy," thus downgrading your
eligibility for long-term consideration.
Don't be overly sympathetic: most guys, when girls give them a sob story, take
the, "Aww, no, that's so horrible," tack and get a really sympathetic puppy dog
voice and try to make it clear how sorry they are. Don't do that. Instead, be
sympathetic with your words, but neutral in your tone of voice. "That's horrible,
I'm sorry that happened," said with an almost neutral tone, followed with
something like, "Well, look on the bright side: it's in the past and you're doing
absolutely fine now. What cool stuff are you working on these days?" makes it
clear you want to focus on good, empowering stuff, and not dwell on tragic stuff
like guys trying to be a girl's boyfriend will.
Be humble and don't try to be too impressive: most guys on dates go
overboard trying to be really cool, impressive, and magnificent, so women see
how incredibly amazing they are. What ends up happening with this is either A)
they come off really fake and annoying, or B) they do an effective job, and seem
so amazing that women slot them into boyfriend territory and slow things down
so as not to risk losing them. Use humbleness and self-deprecation the right way
to take the edge off of your impressiveness.
Actively disqualify yourself as a boyfriend: telling a girl you don't plan on
staying in the town you're in for long -- that you'll move on in search of adventure
or business or whatever soon -- does an incredible job of this. In my mind, it's
quite frankly the best one out there -- although hard to use if you're not planning
on moving around much. If it isn't the case for you that you are, try telling women
that you think relationships are wonderful, but only once you've gotten your
career established and have the time to focus on them, or once you've reached
this milestone or that age or what have you. Make it clear you're not against
relationships -- you're just not in the position to get into one right now.
Move fast. What one thing do guys who want a girl as a girlfriend not do? They
don't move fast! They take it slow and be careful and try not to lose her. In
moving fast, you communicate to a woman you're not treating her like a potential
girlfriend -- thereby greatly increasing the chances she thinks to herself, "Screw
it, I like this guy, but he's not going to be my boyfriend, so what the hell, let's get
together," and, ironically, greatly increasing the chances you actually get her as a
girlfriend if you want her as a girlfriend.
You know, the funny thing about those two
lists of things you need to do if you want to
get girls with a high degree of consistency
is probably about half or more of that flies
completely in the face of what you'll hear
from mainstream society on romance and
dating.
Like, they're polar opposites. No
comparison.
Mainstream society tells you you ought to
move slowly and be a gentleman. I'm
telling you what I've found to be the secret
to how to get girls is moving fast and being relatively unsympathetic. It just works
better... way better.
Mainstream society tells you you should be impressive and dazzle women with
fancy dinners and displays of wealth and tales of high adventures. I'm telling you
to be humble, get her doing the talking instead of you, and leave your Rolls-
Royce at home (get her to pick you up, actually, if at all possible. I did this back
when I had a beautiful black Mercedes-Benz E320 with a leather interior, and my
close rate when girls picked me up was remarkably higher than when I picked
them up in my gleaming Benz... boyfriend material with the Benz, not so much
when she's the one chauffeuring you around).
Mainstream society tells you to that if you want a girl as a girlfriend, you're better
off waiting until the third date -- or much later! -- to make a move. I'm telling you
that if you want her as a girlfriend, the first date's probably the latest you ought to
go for it, or else risk losing her to fading attraction or some faster-moving
competition.
These are the realities of the world, and if you respect them, understand
them, and take them under heavy consideration, you can empower yourself
to find incredible, consistent, surprising amounts of success.
And not everybody's going to like that. Women aren't going to like that -- they
want you to play nice and stick around even though you aren't lovers. Other men
aren't going to like that -- so long as you're not moving too fast and not playing
too hard, you're no more competition than anybody else. It's only when you start
succeeding consistently -- and start wearing the vibe around you that you do --
that other men start to panic and attack.
I used to feel like those guys occasionally. I used to look at the bad boys women
were ending up with, and think to myself, "If only she was with me... I'd treat her
so much better."
But you know what?
My girlfriend right now... she's beautiful, intelligent, educated, tons of fun, with a
vivacious personality, and she's had all of two lovers before me. Pretty
conservative girl. She had a lot of men chasing after her when I met her -- men
like Pete in our story above. Men with much better careers than me, who wined
her, dined her, took her on shopping expeditions, treated her to movies.
All I did was talk to her for a few minutes at the train station, have her come to a
caf near my place two days later, spent a couple hours talking to her there, then
took her upstairs and took her to bed, just as I had a number of other women in
the weeks immediately prior to sleeping with her. And once we'd gone to bed, it
was extremely easy to transition her into being my girlfriend.
Now, many of those guys who were pursuing her before are still pursuing her.
They don't realize she has a boyfriend -- she doesn't bother telling them
anything. They can't figure out why she won't see them. They don't understand
why, after they invested so much time, and money, and effort into her, they still
can't get her.
But I do. And hopefully, if I've done a good job with this post, you do too.
Being nice, and paying for things for women, and trying to be impressive to them
isn't how to get girls. Moving fast and not getting considered a boyfriend nominee
before you take a girl to bed -- that is.
Social Status: Building It and Using It
By Chase on Monday, 25 April 2011
Confidence
Socializing
Social status: it's more
than just something you
get or don't get, have or
don't have. Lots of
people don't see it that
way, though; they tend to
think of social status as
simply a dividing line
between the people who
are "in" and the people
who are "out."
The line, though, is not
so clear. And even within
the "in" and "out" groups, you can point out distinctions: the guy in the "in" group
who's really only in it because he has some connection people need, otherwise
they wouldn't include him at all; the girl who's "in" more than her girlfriends, who
are kind of just along for the ride with her. The guy who's "out" but still has
connections in the "in" group and only seems to be "out" by choice. The girl
who's "out" and so far "out" it seems impossible she could be anything else,
because that's how she chooses to define herself.
Then there are the people who seem to step around conventional social status
entirely; the ones who exude intrinsic status and can flow seamlessly among
groups and be included quickly and easily wherever they see fit. These are the
people we're talking about when we talk about ultimate social calibration; these
are the folks who've stepped off the ladder and come up with a different way for
moving socially.
Because as it turns out, there's more than one way you can build and maintain
and use social status, and climbing up the social ladder of the closest "scene" is
only one of those.
Let's start by talking about what status is good for.

Drawbacks and Benefits of Social Status
Status is one of those things that most either hate or chase after when they don't
have it, and most others hate or jealously cling to when they do.
Generally, you'll see these kinds of feelings about social status:
People Without Status:
"Who needs social status? It's just for mindless followers plugged into the
system. I'll never play their game, and I'm going to do everything I can to show
the world how silly they are."
"Oh how I wish I had status. I need to be very careful to make the right contacts
and impress the right people and not be seen with the wrong people if I want to
build my status up. I've got to make it in."
People in Possession of Status:
"Being well-known socially is such a headache. So many people resent you and
try to take from you or backstab you. I almost wish I was an unknown
sometimes."
"I need to maintain my status. I must make sure that no one impugns my honor
and everyone respects me and no one gains in status over me, meanwhile I
need to be surpassing those above me. I've got to make it to the top."
People don't usually stop an analyze these thoughts though, of course; they just
have them.
Beliefs about the nature of social status are among the core beliefs that
most people never stop and consider. It's quite rare to hear someone in
metacognition inspecting his own views on status; our position socially and our
view on our status and that of others is so core to how we identify ourselves that
we rarely question it.
For most people, their view of social status is just "how things are," and any view
anyone else might hold to the contrary is, of course, clearly misguided.
But the world, as it turns out, isn't black and white, and neither is social status.
Social status isn't good, and it isn't bad. It's just a tool, and it's a tool that, if
you know how to use it properly, you can maximize its benefits while minimizing
its drawbacks.
Here are the benefits of social status you'll want to maximize:
It allows you to more easily get what you want in social situations
It allows you to make friends and build alliances with a greater number of driven,
successful, high quality individuals than you'd otherwise be able to
It allows you to retain the attraction and loyalty of women in difficult situations
even when not present.
And here are the drawbacks of social status you'll want to minimize:
It's stressful and lends itself to constant monitoring of one's status in comparison
to others' status
It leads to falling outs between friends and lovers over status-related issues
(such as perceived insults, condescension, or status-jockeying)
It leads to out-group resentment and in-group envy
So, some potentially potent benefits, and some equally potentially poisonous
drawbacks. Having relatively high social status means you can often accomplish
things others can't, like having service industry people make exceptions for you
(cook you things that aren't on the menu, give you a refund outside the normal
policy, hold the train or airplane for you, etc.), getting access to other high status
/ high value people (higher ups in your industry, women in high status positions
like actresses or models, etc.), and avoiding social penalties (just take a look at
how often celebrities, politicians, and businessmen avoid jail time when indicted
for crimes).
Relatively high social status also means you may very well get stuck with a
number of stomach-churning disadvantages: friends turning on you, time being
wasted obsessively checking and cross-checking your status versus others',
people eying you jealously and resenting your success or gunning for your spot.
In the face of all this, a lot of folks might wonder if social status is even
worth the hassle. Really, is a little special treatment and some cooler, more
successful friends really worth the trouble of having to watch your back and eye
your social competitors?
As it turns out though, you can maximize benefits while minimizing drawbacks.
And where you'll want to start is with the difference between extrinsic and
intrinsic social status.


Extrinsic Social Status vs. Intrinsic Social Status
There are two basic kinds of social status: extrinsic and intrinsic.
I'll define each.
Extrinsic social status is status dependent upon outside influences; one's
external social circumstances, if you will. A movie star who's liked because he's
been in a few recent blockbusters, for instance, or a sports player who's liked
because he's on a winning team. A guy who's liked socially because he leads a
certain group or organization or he's dating a beautiful high society girl.
Extrinsic social status is what the majority of people go for, because it seems
easier, more tangible, and more readily achievable. "All I have to do is make it to
the top spot," someone thinks, "and that top status is mine!"
The path is straightforward, the goal understandable: make it to the top.
And once you've made it there, the world will be yours.
And for sure, there are some definite benefits that come with high extrinsic social
status: you become very public, which means people are constantly being
exposed to you and you're difficult to forget about or ignore; and as the leader or
head or top guy in your domain, you become the default expert everyone turns to
for guidance, advice, support, or an opinion. People defer to you, and treat you
like a powerful person.
But there are some strong drawbacks that come with extrinsic social status
as well. Because securing that top spot in the extrinsic social hierarchy doesn't
mean you've won, victory is forever assured, and now you can rest. Rather, it
means you're King of the Hill for the moment. But now you must defend that
hill. The movie star needs to keep finding blockbusters to star in. The sports
player needs his team to keep winning. The man heading up that certain group
needs to keep heading it up, organizing things, and ensuring that his group is the
top group, and the man dating the beautiful high society girl needs to make sure
he keeps dating her and that she stays as desired as ever.
What happens is, though, things don't go according to plan.
The movie star stars in a couple of duds, and suddenly he isn't the star
everyone's talking about anymore. He's yesterday's news. The sports player's
team loses in the playoffs, and suddenly the fans aren't filling the stadium
anymore. The guy in charge of his group stops having time to plan events, or the
people in his group find newer, hipper groups to join; the guy dating the beautiful
high society girl breaks up with her, or some newer, more beautiful girl enters the
scene and his girl fades from the forefront of that scene.
All the while, the man with top extrinsic value is fighting a losing battle to hold off
the competition and stay relevant. Because one truth that's absolute in life is
that you can never stand still; you are always either getting better, or
getting worse.
And when you've made it to the top of a social hierarchy, there's nowhere else to
go but down.
~~~~~~~~~~
Enter intrinsic social status.
Intrinsic social status is the kind of status that extends beyond external social
hierarchies and circumstances. Intrinsic social status comes from the
individual himself, not from his external social rank. In other words, it's
personality-dependent, rather than situation-dependent.
The Notorious B.I.G., one of the world's top rap artists until his murder in 1997,
mentioned in an interview wanting to develop the kind of personality that would
have people respect him and think of him as a cool, likeable guy even if he hadn't
put out an album in years. He didn't want to end up being one of those washed
up performers one day that people showed no respect to because his extrinsic
status had dried up and disappeared.
What B.I.G. was talking about when he talked about developing the kind of
personality people just like and respect and think of as cool is intrinsic social
status. He was talking about being the kind of person that other people just
respond to.
The movie star with intrinsic social status is the one people still think is a cool,
likeable guy even when he hasn't had a good movie in years. The sports player
with intrinsic social status is the one people still look up to even though his team
fails to make the playoffs year after year. The guy with intrinsic social status
is the one people respect and admire even if he doesn't lead any groups or
have a high society girlfriend.
Intrinsic social status is about who you are as opposed to what you do. And it
gives you most of the benefits of extrinsic status without most of the drawbacks.
Actually, it even gives you a few benefits that extrinsic social status doesn't.
When you have intrinsic social status, you can flow effortlessly between groups.
You aren't eyed suspiciously as "that guy who's known for X." Rather, you're just
a cool, likeable guy whose company others enjoy.
When you have intrinsic social status, you don't get people tooth-and-nailing it
trying to scratch away your position and take it for themselves, because... you
don't really have a position. You're just a cool guy that people like.
When you have intrinsic social status, you're not concerned with fighting a losing
war to maintain the status quo with you at the top of the pile. Instead, you've
developed yourself to an extent that people simply like being around you, and
that's something you will have forever. Furthermore, it's something you can
always improve upon: you can always get a little better at meeting new
people, a little better at making good first impressions, a little better at
getting to know new acquaintances.
Unlike with external social hierarchies, there's no ceiling limiting how far you can
go when you're developing your intrinsic status. The only limit is your
imagination, and your will to change.


Developing Intrinsic Social Status
How do you become intrinsically high status? There are a few things to focus on:
Warmth. I found this an intriguing concept when I first heard about it years ago,
and I find it an essential element of my own interactions today. I remember
hearing how people always said upon meeting American President Bill Clinton
that he made everyone he met feel incredibly warm and personal, as if he'd
known them for years and genuinely cared about them. Later I read in Leil
Lowndes' wonderful book How to Talk to Anyone the great piece of advice that
you should be as warm toward everyone you meet as if he or she was an old
friend.

Adding warmth to your presence opens so many doors it's a little hard to
believe before you start doing it. Warmth is disarming and makes others want
to accept you right away; they feel as if they already know you and have a good
relationship with you. It makes getting to know them once you're talking to them
immensely easier (because there's no "wall of unfamiliarity" there like there is
usually with strangers), and it makes them want to get to know you. Who is this
new person who feels so welcoming and familiar yet they don't know? Many
people simply want to find out.
Interest in others. The man who excels at winning over new people is the man
who's genuinely interested in them. When you enter a group of people and truly
want to get to know them not to pretend as much, because you're merely trying
to gain entry to their circle, like most people are, but when you truly want to
understand them better they tend to welcome you in. Everyone likes someone
who's interested in really getting to know her.

Something you may find useful to keep in mind if you don't naturally find others
interesting (I always have, personally) is that by learning about others no
matter who those others are you give yourself more reference points to
understand the world from, and prepare yourself better to be successful at life
and to relate successfully with future people you meet similar to those you're
getting to know.
Forcefulness, Power, and Coolness. Check out the posts on sprezzatura and
the Law of Least Effort for an understanding of the underlying dynamics of how
people assess coolness. Basically, when most people try to accomplish things
socially, they do so in a way that ends up with them expending too much effort to
do so and thus come off less forceful, less powerful, and less cool. If you work
to develop an air of effortless about yourself, you'll find people come to like and
you respect you all the more, because they view you as a man worthy of their
respect and admiration.
Conversational Ability. Succeeding at all things social requires some degree of
success as a conversationalist. It's impossible to come across a high status man
without being able to communicate one's interests, get to know others, and relate
and be relatable. Developing your skill as a conversationalist is an imperative for
any man who aspires to embody and use intrinsic social status.
Directness. Getting to the point in one's dealings with others is a very high
status trait. Lower status individuals tend to beat around the bush, hesitate, and
stall. High status people just get to it. Being direct still socially gracious, mind
you, but direct nevertheless gets you straight to the heart of the matter, and
most people, when this is done tactfully, tend to appreciate this and respond to it
very well.
Fundamentals. Much of what people respond to in intrinsically high status
individuals is nonverbal: body language, posture, eye contact, facial expressions.
Voice tone is another one that's incredibly important. Intrinsically high status
people have high status fundamentals. It's the primary way that others assess
their intrinsic status upon first meeting them.
As you develop in these areas, and build your proficiency in the qualities of a
man who's intrinsically high status, you'll begin noticing that people respond to
you increasingly warmly, respectfully, and at times deferentially. Men and
women both are extraordinarily attuned to the signatures of status, and that
includes both high and low status signatures (check out the post on ultimate
social calibration for a further breakdown of the traits of high and low status
individuals).
The benefits of developing yourself as an intrinsically high status man are far
reaching and well worth the effort. Best of all, once you have intrinsic social
status, you're freed from needing the constraints of extrinsic social status you
don't have to tooth-and-nail it to the top of a social hierarchy, you don't have to
make yourself into an A-list celebrity or be the team leader of the best team in
sports, and you don't have to be a headlining DJ or a party promoter at the best
club in town. All you have to do is show up, be yourself, and be sociable and
be meeting new people, and you'll find you get treated well and others
appreciate having you around.
Best of all, when the limelight fades and the 15 minutes of fame that whatever
source of extrinsic social status others were tapping disappears, those with
intrinsic social status still get the respect and admiration they always had.
Extrinsic social status isn't bad; there's certainly nothing wrong with being
successful and enjoying some of the benefits of that success. But for the long
haul, for creating lasting social status that doesn't peel and chip with time
and a changing social landscape, focus your attention on the intrinsic side
of things you'll end up with a much deeper, much more genuine respect from
others, and one that translates far outside the reach of any situational status you
could develop instead.