The "Other" Breakup - 5 stages of grief after your employer dumps you
Preface: I wrote this in November 2019. In December 2019 I was unexpectedly let go from my position. I waffled back and forth for six months when and how to release this. In the new reality created by Covid-19 many of you I know are struggling with job insecurity. Please take this article as what it is - tongue-in-cheek reaction to something that will affect all of us at some point in our careers.
It’s not you, it’s me. The stereotypical reason provided during bad relationship breakups. What’s interesting is if you’re reading this, I’ll bet you’ve heard a variation of this more from your boss, than from your (formerly) significant other.
The fact is we are all in relationships with the companies who employ us, and sadly, as in our personal lives, relationships rarely last a lifetime. While you can go into any bookstore or hit up a million websites with tips for getting over a relationship nothing can prepare you for things going sideways with an employer.
Yet it happens to all of us. Early in my career, I was told “You will be fired or laid off. It isn’t a question of 'if' - it’s a question of when”. They were right. While the context of that advice was to encourage responsible financial planning it can also be seen as a gentle nudge to prepare mentally for the inevitable.
To be clear - this will mostly apply to, shall we say, traumatic exits. Choosing to leave for better opportunities will experience some of these stages but in milder ways. As salespeople, we're trained to downplay our fear, anxiety, and never admit weakness or regret. This forces us to suppress or conceal the stages of grief that come from the end of a (work) relationship.
Let’s end the stigma. Share our breakup stories and enjoy some group catharsis. Let’s discuss the 5 Stages of Work Grief
Denial
“Ashleigh, would you mind joining us in the front conference room?”. Why do they want to talk to me? They’re firing people in there. It must be a mistake. My team is killing it. Everyone loves me. Nope. They’re letting me go. “Thank you for all your hard work but today will be your last day.”
Nothing feels real. Who lets people go on a Tuesday? Honestly! You smile, maybe you cry. I freeze. Ask for 24 hours to review documents and will get back to them. (Pro tip - NEVER sign anything in the moment. Take a day and get over the initial shock before signing away your rights) I feel numb. I don’t even text my husband (who 12 hours earlier I had promised everything was fine and I didn’t need a backup plan) because it feels like I’ll wake up from a bad dream. Again and again, I have to remind myself “I just got laid off” so I can keep going through the motions.
I pack up my desk and wonder why the heck I brought all this random junk into the office. Even more embarrassing, I have to walk to HR to ask for a second and then third box to haul all my junk, that now resent, back to your apartment on public transit. (Because there is no chance I'm splurging on an Uber now that I don’t have income.)
The whole time the one constant is “this can’t be happening”.
Or maybe it’s a slow build...a new leader comes in and while things start off well, you fall more and more out of alignment. You detect subtle sabotage - you’re not sure if it’s intentional but the net result is you can’t thrive or do your best work. Over time you slowly get more and more unhappy. Eventually, something snaps, and a decision is made and you leave or are forced out.
Then the denial happens before the actual event. You say again and again that everything will be fine. You tell yourself the company is amazing, the leadership brilliant and you love your coworkers. With so many things right you can easily wait things out and let it slowly get better. You believe it “isn’t that bad” and ignore that feeling in the pit of your stomach that something is seriously wrong.
Anger
How dare they? You were the first one in. They set you up to fail. Leadership was blind. You’re a victim of politics. But I was the top performer last quarter! Regardless of how you got here, and in many cases, due to no fault of your own, you lost your source of income, your normal routine, and your community.
You lash out - at least in your mind. Start wishing nasty things on anyone you think wronged you. I once commiserated with fellow lay-off victims at a bar in North Beach at 10 am which culminated in a never-to-be-seen photograph of all of us flipping off the camera. (Not my proudest moment and thank goodness for the photographer's discretion).
Friends will start saying things like “there are tons of companies hiring!” and “You’ll get snapped up fast” and “Oh my gosh you can do so much better.” But you’re not ready to hear it. Each of those supposedly encouraging moments makes you want to scream at them...or anyone nearby.
Bargaining
Maybe you get a sense that the end is coming and you start looking for ways to stay. Are other departments hiring? Can I organize a coup against this leader? What about working part-time to close the rest of my pipeline while I look for a new position? Nothing can help. It’s over. (At this point I’ve been known to move back to denial or anger and repeat the cycle a couple of times.)
This is triggered again when you have to go through the painful process of updating your resume. What did I learn? What did I achieve? Oh - well at least I got to master this tool. I may have missed one month but I can sell my involvement with identifying the target market for a new product. Trying to find meaning in your time at that company can feel like a roller coaster. You see every tiny thing you did wrong and eventually, for many of us, this leads to...
Depression
You gave everything to that job. Your spouse wanted you to go to that other company that offered you a position...and they went public last fall. How did you not see the signs? You think of all the things you regret not doing or feel are so obvious to do now. Who will want to hire someone who "failed"? The bills keep coming in, you check social media only to see all your former coworkers enjoying cupcakes at SKO. Somehow your former employer has an advertising budget that means you see their logo everywhere. As if to remind you that you were not good enough to work for such an amazing company.
Linkedin is no help either. You start looking for job postings and it’s all platitudes about “pushing through” and bragging about successes. Calls with recruiters end with “Let me take a look at what I have and I’ll get back to you!”. Nothing makes sense anymore and you in desperation start looking at the lease-break clause for your apartment in case you have to move in with your parents and take a job teaching SAT prep again to re-think your life.
Even if you chose to leave to go to a new position - your last days or weeks get more and more painful. Time slows to a crawl. You have trouble getting into the office and while you want to give 100% until your last day your heart isn’t in it anymore and you feel guilty. Maybe you’re struggling with guilt from hiding your decision to leave from coworkers. You can’t shake thoughts like “I can’t do this”.
Acceptance
Eventually - maybe it’s a day later, a week or a month you realize you’re not so upset anymore. Maybe it feels numb at first. You’re not happy about the end - but your eye doesn't twitch when you see their logo anymore.
Recruiters and companies reach out to you - the interview process starts. After a couple of phone screens, you remember all the things you love about what you do. You start to dream about the amazing teams you are now free to join. Even better you start being able to articulate what you learned at your old company in a way that isn’t so emotionally charged.
Sure you may cringe internally anytime someone says “Oh you worked with Maggie Smith? Isn’t she amazing?!” and force a smile to avoid spilling how ineffective she was as a manager. But that's life and you can go about your day without the roller coaster of emotions.
Time Passes
The idea for this article came up years ago when I ran into a former manager at a bar in San Francisco on my way to a new hire cocktail hour. As someone who married young and missed dating entirely the rush of putting on a smile, saying “hello” then walking up to the VIP area was intoxicating. A coworker noticed I couldn’t stop smiling hours later and made the connection - “It’s like you ran into an ex while looking fabulous and with a hot date!”. It was. It so was.
This too shall pass. The emotion and passion we put into our work make us great - but when it doesn’t end well leaks out in predictable patterns that without context are upsetting. Feel all the feels. Take care of yourself. Do whatever you would tell your best friend to do if they got dumped. When you're ready start networking and applying! The end of one relationship just means that it wasn’t the place for you. Go find the one that is - it is out there.
Trust yourself. Trust your skill and your network. Everyone has been fired, or laid off or quit a toxic environment. While we don’t talk about it, we’ve all been there. You are not alone and yes, the situation sucks. But you will bounce back as long as you remember the process, accept the feelings, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
If you’ve recently left a company -
Hang. In. There.
Reach out and find people to you can be vulnerable around. Not sure who to reach out to? Hit me up. Check out Uncrushed for additional resources if you’re struggling. You are not alone!
If you’ve never been laid off -
Don’t panic. Keep your head down and keep doing what you need to thrive. Please don’t fall victim to the self-sabotage of thinking “This’ll never happen to me”. It’s important to always hope for the best but plan for the worst. The moment you think you’re immune that’s when you’re most vulnerable and the fall will be the hardest. When this happens hopefully you’ll remember the ideas from this and have some context for the roller-coaster. You are not alone!
If you’ve had this happen to you -
Did I get the journey right? What do you wish someone had told you as you were going through it? How did you help yourself through it?
A Note on the Covid-19 World...
I've spent a lot of time in 2020 helping companies decide how and when to let people go - and helping individuals rebound when they've been laid off.
You will see a lot of doom and gloom. Companies ARE hiring slowly but there are exponentially more candidates in June of 2020 than there were in June 2019. Sure unemployment helps - but how many salespeople do you know that are content to sit at home and collect unemployment for more than a week or two? Spoiler - not many.
2020 has reinforced the importance of going back to basics. Use your sales skills. Identify your ICP. Figure out who the personas are who will make hiring decisions. Craft tailored, applicable messaging, and prospect into these companies like you're making a sale.
Don't rely on a "spray and pray" methodology where you send your resume to every posting on AngelList and LinkedIn. Personalization not only means you're more likely to be SEEN by the person hiring but you're immediately proving you know how to sell. Demonstrating your ability to craft messaging, identify decision-makers and log activity to get to your goal is far more impressive and confidence-inspiring than a nice cover letter.
There will always be a need for good salespeople who treat sales like the craft it is. Whether you're an SDR who has a couple of months under their belt or a veteran AE who's ten-year stint at a company ended this year - you are invaluable. The trick is holding on (financially) long enough to find the next best place for you to be.
Refuse to settle. If a company low-balls your offer because "well we can get a dozen other people to take this offer" - RUN. That is not a company that will value you and your skills. You do no one any favors by saying "yes" to that lowball and being miserable for six months until you burn out.
I also realize if you're a woman or a minority the job market is even more limited and you likely have additional financial obligations. Get creative - there are companies who are hiring part-time salespeople to bridge the gap. I know other people who are looking for help with social media, writing emails, or other skills that they had to cut due to layoffs. It's not much but if you ask for help you can find small gigs to bridge the gap.
If you're looking at taking a job you're not confident about because you need money - lean into this sales community. Join slack groups like RevGenius (link in comments), attend virtual happy hours, take classes. Anything to connect with other sales reps who may be able to refer you to a short term or long term gig. Please - I believe in you and you're better than that job. You KNOW you're better than that job - don't give in.
Take care of yourself mentally and physically. Studies are already showing a dramatic rise in mental health diagnosis and severity of symptoms due to the stress of the pandemic and world events. You can't interview at your best if you're in the throes of depression or having daily anxiety attacks. It's much more common than you think - especially in 2020. I can think of dozens of people in my network alone who have admitted they've sought help for either the first time or had to increase medication due to things getting worse. Companies like TalkSpace and BetterHelp have online programs and sliding-scale fees to make mental healthcare significantly more accessible.
One last thought...
The sales community is far from perfect. We've got our issues we're working through but we have a LONG way to go.
However, I have been consistently surprised by how willing sales professionals are to help one another. The cut-throat, mean-girl type reps are few and far between (and would you even want their help?). Instead the vast majority of us recognize that when you put good out you get good back.
Ask for help. Ask for a listening ear. You don't have to bear your soul but you are not alone in this journey. I guarantee that you'll get so much more support and guidance than you expect if you make yourself available and ask for it.
Breakups happen. If you're dealing with a breakup in 2020 you've got a hard road ahead - but you're not walking it alone and that can be a source of strength if you let it. Your fellow sales pros are not your competition they're your allies and we can all help each other to survive.
As one of my favorite sales leaders used to say "never lose alone". Stay connected - this community will help you ride the waves of grief and get to a better place.
Success Consultant - Sales, Mindset, Marketing. Working with you & your team to create greater efficiency and productivity. Clients experience a fulfilled sense of self at work. Proven strategies to increase company ROI
3yThis is super insightful Ashleigh. thanks for sharing!