Let's Get Touchy Feely

It’s been 6 months since I participated in an intense retreat based on the popular Stanford ‘touchy feely’ class. This was like no class I’ve ever done - which was surprisingly more applicable to life rather than just focusing on work. I'll share what I learned and how it's changed my perspective.

Sitting in a circle talking about feelings for 4 days straight sounded as fun as doing the Macarena on stage (I'm still scarred from my 6th grade talent show), especially growing up in a household where we rarely acknowledged feelings and didn't dance either. But, over the last years I've long put off personal development and my career coach Kelly (Winters) Grimaldi highly recommended it, so I had no excuse not to try it.

The retreat had a mysterious 'fight club' vibe with not a lot of details provided going into it. I don't want to spoil the surprise of what goes on, but you can listen to an overview in Lenny Rachitsky's latest podcast with Carole Robin.

Here are my 10 take aways from the class:

1. Connection is key: Feeling a sense of connection is the foundation of relationships. Not just at work, but with family and friends. You ever wonder why you just feel more drawn to some people? It doesn't just happen by chance- you got to know them at a deeper level than the superficial 'how’s the weather / weekend' rinse and repeat conversations. You have some shared interests, experiences, thoughts, and feelings. In order to do that you have to..

2. Put yourself out there: You've got to be the velcro for people to latch onto. Share something personal, something real. I think of this like the analogy of how velcro works. At a micro level, there are thousands of mini loops, and on the other side mini hooks. You have to provide something for others to latch on to. People need more information for them to react to, and build off of so they can also share if they have similar experiences or thoughts. For example, sharing more details about how you grew up, or how you have truly been feeling besides ‘good’ (more on a range of feelings in the next point). There is a risk you whiff, but so what? At work, I rarely shared personal details about my family, what I was interested in because I thought people would find it a waste of time. I wanted to keep work and my personal life pretty separate, but now I see that what was keeping me from building stronger relationships.

3. It is ok to be 'in your feelings': It's okay to feel negative or vulnerable. It's not about causing panic, it's about being authentic. “I’m excited we are launching X”. would be the extent of talking about my feelings. I would filter and only acknowledge positive feelings at the risk of over-sharing or causing panic with people on the team. I didn’t want people to think less of me or think that I don’t have control over the situation.

I learned there is a spectrum - negative (angry, frustrated), vulnerable (jealous, shut down), and positive (happy, appreciative). This full spectrum gives others a way to relate to you and by only focusing on the positive, you miss out on a chance to be more authentic. There are definitely good and bad ways to go about this as well as trade offs. As per Carole's example, a leader going in an all hands and saying ‘I’m freaked out by this latest quarter, what do we do?’ is not the way to be authentic. Instead, leaders can use negative emotions to rally the team, take the same example but now imagine highlighting ‘I’m worried about our progress this quarter, and we need to rally together'.

4. State your intent: It's like giving directions before a road trip. It helps avoid misunderstandings and wrong turns. So much of our interactions with each other are interpreted poorly. If we all just started critical conversations with your intent, that will add so much context and make things land smoother. This is critical when giving feedback and I practiced this during the retreat. My intent was to not pick on someone or call out their faults, I truly wanted to help them achieve their goals. By saying “I want you to be successful” this really helped us get on shared ground and lowered our defenses and anxiety.

5. Stay on your side of the net: Don't project your feelings onto others. Stick to "when you do this, I feel that". Simple, but hard to do in the moment. Imagine interactions as playing playing tennis (or pickleball in my case). You have a strategy so, you hit the ball over the net to your opponent and all they see is the ball coming at them, but don’t know what is happening in your mind or how you are feeling other than what they can see on their side. Conflicts often play out like this. We can project what we see from our side, but that’s not the truth. You can project what you think on someone else but you don’t really know. What you can do is focus on your side of the net with a great framework “when you (insert behavior) I feel (insert feeling)” It is that simple. Not 'I feel THAT', which is a big difference, that usually leads to a statement of projecting your thoughts. “I feel that you are being lazy” isn’t really a valid feeling is it?

6. Speak up: If something bothers you, say it, no longer how long ago it was. It’s never to late to bring something up that bothers you - I struggle with this the most. For me, I default to the ‘it’s not worth bringing up’ or ‘they won’t change’ especially when it comes to my parents. What is there to gain about bringing something up that happened years ago? One of my most recent arguments with my dad ended up boiling down to a huge misunderstanding we had months ago. I was on the phone and he interpreted something I said to my daughter or maybe even at Alexa as something directed at him - 'Ok i'm done'. He thought I was ending the discussion but and listening to him. We only recently hashed it out and I’m glad we did because it stuck with my dad and he felt really angry and has festered to other disagreements.

7. Agreeing is connecting: Echoing someone's thoughts can help build a connection. It's like high-fiving someone. Quick, easy, and effective. Just agreeing with someone can help you build a connection - In meetings I often thought saying things like “i agree” was super low value, after all you aren’t adding a new thought, just echoing someone else's. However, I learned that this can help you connect with others, and give validity to an idea. It makes the other person feel less alone and it can be a quick effort that doesn’t disrupt things.

8. Acknowledge your past: Your past shapes you. So much of our upbringing and our parents impact us. Our past really shapes us, and we need to acknowledge that - so much of the retreat for me was discussing and realizing how my upbringing shaped how I think and who I am today. Seemingly small things that might have just been said in passing or a sharp joke from my family have stuck with me.

9. Stop negative self-talk: It's like having a mosquito in your ear. Swat it away. In my head, I have so much negative self narration that isn’t helpful and causes so much doubt. The reassuring thing from t-group was to hear that this is normal, even amongst this group of extremely successful people. My lesson was to acknowledge when you hear these thoughts, try to frame things differently, and don’t dwell on the negativity. This is especially true as I am in the middle of the ups and downs of finding out what to do next in my career. Instead of “I wasted the day today and didn’t make any progress’ I remind myself ‘I spent undistracted time with the kids, invested in my fitness, and got to do a date lunch with my wife.'

10. Keep expanding: Turn up the volume on your comfort zone. I love this analogy of a volume knob for what you perceive you are doing, and the output of a busted speaker. You can think you are at a 10, full blast, but others only hear a 5. This is how I think about growing and trying new things. It can feel uncomfortable and you might think you are maxed out, but you have to realize to others it is not as drastic. To grow, keep pushing yourself to the edge of your comfort zone and your comfort zone will expand. Keep going for 15% from your previous limit and your results will compound.

So what does this all have to do with leadership? Leadership boils down to influence and authenticity. Without putting yourself out there for a connection, you can’t influence. To be a better leader, you have to be in your feelings and make an effort to connect authentically with those around you.