I Am Human

So, I have long been known for my calmness. I'm about the most even keeled guy you would probably ever meet. Ask my wife. She could use both hands, to count the number of bad days I've had in the past 20 years. She could use just one, to count the number of times that she has seen me lose it...if ever. My 37 years working in mental health, combined with a life long meditation practice has pretty much cemented that. But here's the thing. I am slowly learning that I am human...

My wife has called me a robot on countless occasions over the years. Being unaffected and processing in real time, I could see where she came to that conclusion. But every now then, she will notice a change in my energy. I think during those times, she realizes that I am trying to work through something. That is usually about the time she says. "It nice to see that you are human." 

In the past 3 days, I have lost 3 clients (all 3 passed in tragic ways). Mother Fucker! As always, I was able to move through it in record speed. But here's the thing. I am feeling it deeper and deeper now. I suspect the years of dealing with death and people on the worst days of their lives is catching up to me. I don't feel one way or another about it. That's the Zen in me. Life, feelings and emotions are not good nor bad. They just are. Acceptance is a very freeing thing. 

I personally have lived through some very horrific things. Losing my daughter is at the top of that list. But even on the worst day of my life, it was all about instant acceptance, so I could give my wife the space to feel, fall apart and do whatever she needed to do to heal. The past 10 year has been packed full of trauma. My mantra has been," Work the problem". Out work, out last and don't get attached to outcomes. That is what saves me. I know I am human. There is nothing special about me, or my belief system. I just understand the value of discipline.  

I am human. I have gone to some very dark places. But I accepted them in real time. I embraced them. By doing so, I somehow felt in control. What about you? What is your secret? If you're reading this, you have survived 100% of your bad days. And if you ask me, that's pretty fucking cool. 

I believe the human experience is a complete experience. You've got to have some darkness to appreciate the light sort of thing. So give yourself a break. Start appreciating it. After all...you're only human.