How To Get Emotionally Punched In The Face
Last Sunday, my pastor did a thing on “holiday seasons that didn’t go to plan” — ironically, I missed the first 25 minutes of church because I was at therapy — and then after, in this small group I go to, we talked about some holidays that didn’t go to plan over time. Nice mix of funny and somewhat sad stories. I definitely have both, from childhood and adulthood. Joy and growth, baby!
One story I didn’t tell, but I’ve told in some blogs over time, is that on December 26, 2016, my ex and I were at a red light in Miami, and she called me a “self-loathing alcoholic” in the middle of a fight. Now, would I say that description is periodically accurate? Absolutely. And would I say that on that day, I changed everything because she said that to me in that car? No. In fact, we broke up about 3.1 months after that, and one or two of my worst adulthood drunks were in 2019, years later. So no, in some ways she’s right and I didn’t grow from it immediately.
Was I pissed? Yes. Did I almost exit the car and walk through some downtown-adjacent Miami neighborhood? Absolutely. Did I kinda know the whole thing was over and all we needed to sort was the logistics? I’d bet $10 on that, yea.
When I got back to her parents’ place, I walked around cranking this to steady myself emotionally:
Then, like, I’m fairly certain I went somewhere and drank.
Now, a lot of that intro is specific to some of my problems, but … the point is, the holidays are not always perfect. A more universal example might be “the timing of death.” No one really plans for that, per se — maybe hospice — and people do die in mid-December. I work out with a kid whose dad just died, suddenly. You think Christmas 2021 will be the same for that family as Christmas 2018? It won’t.
My aunt died about seven-eight years ago a month before the holidays, and I wrote a post back then in my nascent blogging days about how it’s OK to discuss harder, darker things at the holidays:RIP, DorisThere’s sometimes this belief among people that whether you subscribe to “cozy season” or whatever other methodology you may chase about your definitions of success and living in the moment, you need to have this perfect, photo-ready holidays, full of family and laughter and the exact right IG song selection for your posts.
The thing is, that’s not really how reality works. Someone might be pissed about something. Someone’s job is in the tank. Someone is getting older. Someone misses a flight, or gets duct-taped to their seat on a flight. Someone passes away. Someone calls you a self-loathing alcoholic.
The season isn’t always perfect. In reality, neither are our definitions of success
So … let’s talk about how to take a punch
If you’ve ever done a multiple amount of burpees and you’re generally fat and slow such as I am, I always feel like Burpee 7 of 10 is a good analogy for life. When you hit the floor on that burpee, you are tired as f*ck and you have no desire to really get up and do 8, 9, and 10. Sometimes life can feel that way. But you also want to finish, and be a better person, and grow, and push yourself, and get to the next thing and new experiences, so you do it, even if you’re panting like an excited dog.
Life is beautiful, much like how you feel after the workout or at Burpee 0.1, before it’s started. And there’s a lot of beauty along the way there, but … there’s some crap too. Burpee 7 on the floor is crap. And you need a way to get up and keep pushing.”Everybody’s got a plan until they get punched in the mouth”
Think about the moment AFTER the moment
In other words: fall down seven times, stand up eight.
Some ways to take a punch and keep going
A work example: The “strategic road map”
These things could often be written on toilet paper, honestly.
They assume the plan is locked-in and things will go well.
That rarely happens.
But then if you want to deviate from the road map, you need to go through layers of process and permission to do so.
In essence, companies lock in a long-term failure strategy and then have processes making it nearly impossible to escape said failure strategy.
Awkward, right?
There is no such thing as a guaranteed decision, and guys have won the Nobel Prize underscoring that idea.
Everything needs to be adjusted as it evolves. That’s the literal definition of “adulthood” in some ways.
Our professional answer to that is process, as in “Process will guide us.”
Wrong.
Our personal answer is usually “Let’s bury our head in the sand on this topic.”
Also usually fails. A good current example would be automation.
Automation is going to change everything: self-worth, the role of education, ability to earn money, time usage, etc.
Almost everything will likely be different in 20 years.
Most people just ignore this and think “I’ll be fine, because I’m so and so that does such and such.”
Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.
Not everything is perfect — life would actually be pretty boring if it was, right? — and sometimes you do need to learn how to take a punch, even if everyone around you has antlers on their three year-old and more antlers on their Golden Retriever and you’re just thinking “Man, I can’t catch a break on this life thing.”
Remember, too: we just went through a massive experiment (not in the conspiracy way) in social isolation and reduced connection. We’re only vaguely emerging from that as we speak. This is the second set of holidays for some people where they won’t connect with any, or just a few, family and friends. These aren’t easy moments, and it’s OK to lean into that sometimes.
Be there for people and be there for yourself too. You’re important, and so are they. We’ll mostly get through all this and get to 2022, and that’ll be another mix of beauty and pain.