Finding the Line

A few weeks ago, a friend reached out early in the morning. Her neighbor had just found two dogs running loose in the street. They were safe in her backyard, but my friend hoped I could post them where they needed to be posted. With 12 years of animal rescue knowledge and contacts under my belt, this was a reasonable request. I asked if the neighbor could take the pups to the vet to be scanned for a microchip but was told she didn’t have time.

I jumped into action. I posted what little information I was given on the Lost and Found animal pages on Facebook and put out a few feelers to see if anyone was in the area and had a microchip scanner. I worked through my yoga practice, texted while cooking my breakfast, and then considered rearranging my afternoon (and not getting my client work done) to take the pups to the vet myself.

Another text came. A different neighbor had reached out with concerns about giving the dogs back to the owners.

And that’s when I broke.

All the emotions from my hasty exit from animal rescue came rushing in. My heart was pounding; the tears started flowing, and I was instantly transported to the second most mentally unhealthy time of my life. The good news? I knew what to do.

I sent my friend the following text:

“I’m going to send you the contact of a lady I used to work with. Text her and find out if it’s best to go through the shelter so the owners have to do some work to get the dogs back, and maybe the shelter will evaluate. I’m going to step out of this now. It’s causing PTSD.”

In other words… I set a boundary.

Understanding the Line

The experience brought up a good question: When you are committed to setting healthy boundaries in your life, how do you find the line? You’ve spent 20, 30, 40, or 50+ years with unhealthy boundaries… do the healthy boundaries magically appear one day?

If they do, cool for you! For the rest of us, we are learning on a case-by-case basis.

What seems like a relatively easy task for some (posting dogs on Facebook pages, then sitting back and waiting for a response) is not such a simple task for someone who threw themselves and every ounce of their energy and well-being into rescue for over a decade.

In other words… your boundaries and my boundaries may look completely different. That’s why there’s no hard and fast rule about where the line lives.

Finding the Line

Now that we understand the line (and that it’s different for everyone), how do we actually find it?

There are two ways: Check in with your body and check in with your history.

Check-In with Your Body

When my friend texted me for help, I didn’t realize I was dangerously close to an essential boundary line in my life. It wasn’t until the tears started flowing that I understood what was going on.

When you are asked for help or invited to do or attend something, check in with your body. As I mentioned in “You Had Me At No: How Setting Healthy Boundaries Helps Banish Burnout, Repair Relationships, and Save Your Sanity,” our body has a system in place that notifies us when we are uncomfortable and need to set a boundary (or stop eating). It’s called Visceral Afferent Messaging, and when we learn to listen to it, amazing things happen!

Just like boundaries, your “sign” may be different (think of it like a “tell” in Poker) than someone else’s. These signs can look like:

• Disgust or nausea when a specific person contacts you

• Putting off responding (not in the healthy way I teach, but not giving an answer because deep down you know what that answer needs to be and you are too afraid to communicate it)

• Your brain is screaming, “NO!”

• Crying

• Déjà vu (you feel like you’ve experienced this before even if you can’t remember it)

• Heart pounding  

• And many more…

Once you’ve identified your sign or your tell, look for it and respect the wisdom your body is sharing.

Check-in with Your History

Nope, not your browser history. Another way to find your line is to look at similar situations that have occurred in the past and study how you handled them and how you felt afterward. If you had a “not so fresh” feeling when you agreed to do something, you have the opportunity to learn from it.

The great news (I swear it’s good), is we will keep encountering the same situations. While the players and the details will change, we will replay the same “scenes” until we learn how to handle them properly. By looking at our past, we can learn what worked and what didn’t and how we can improve our reactions for a better outcome in the future.

Looking back at my brief dive back into rescue, I now know that even dipping my little toe into the waters is unacceptable for me. When I am approached by well-meaning people looking for help in the future, I will know that my boundary must be drawn with the very first contact. I’ll point them in the right direction, give them the resources they need (in fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve already written the perfect article for a local pet publication), and then release the situation with love.

Conclusion

Setting boundaries is more than just making up your mind to have healthier boundaries and then communicating with others. You also have to find your line. Want more boundary tips for your business and your life? Sign up for my weekly newsletter.

About the Author

Sheryl Green is a Mental Health speaker and author who works with individuals and organizations to establish healthy boundaries to improve relationships, communication, and well-being. Her mission is to make the world a better place… one boundary at a time. Learn more about her entertaining and illuminating programs or contact her at 702.885.4309.