The 4th Trimester

Recently myself and my wife added our beautiful baby son Max to our family. After a tough pregnancy navigating through all the dangers Covid posed, I'm not sure what I was expecting once Max arrived. It is not an inside secret that having a new baby at home is hard, but what does that really mean? This made me think a little about the growing idea of the 4th Trimester! That initial period of change. Having the opportunity to watch how my wife Emma has adapted to her new role immediately after a long pregnancy and tough labour has giving me a unique insight to this!

First and foremost... When it comes to childbirth, Women are amazing!

I won’t hear another word on the subject. Any women that enter the adventure that pregnancy and everything after that that brings with it, will face challenges and show strengths that cannot and should not ever be compared to other tests in life. We all know these are both physical and emotional challenges, but do we really consider what this means for us both individually and if you are in a relationship, as a couple.

Myself and my wife Emma lost our first son Riley. We had a TFMR at 25 weeks and it will forever be the most painful chapter of our lives. One that will remain just as painful for the rest of our lives. To re-enter the pregnancy arena took more mental strength than I would like to admit. Especially now that Riley’s baby brother Max is sitting in his bouncer staring at me as I write this. How did I ever sit there and consider if I even wanted to try again?

This, however, was our extra added emotional strain. Everybody has their own stories. Whether it be financial struggles, living situation, relationship status, medical conditions, age. Or maybe, just maybe, everything is perfect for you to start your own family. You will still face a long pregnancy conveniently divided into the 1st, 2nd and 3rd trimester.

But then what? You have your baby and you take them home, right? The hard part is over, isn’t it? What exactly is The 4th Trimester?

Firstly Labour is, for most women, hell! My wife Emma was induced at 9:30am on Wednesday February 16th. For the first twelve hours nothing much happened but around 9:30pm she started to feel some light yet painful contractions. Within an hour they were a lot more severe and under five minutes apart. As the partner you need to delicately balance helping where you can and staying out of the way when required. As I timed out the contractions and as they became increasingly more painful, your heart breaks a little. The pain and uncomfortable few hours Emma faced was very difficult to watch. I do not wish to imagine what it was like to experience.  

This however is “Pre-Labour”. Meaning Emma was not in labour yet, not for another six and a half hours. Six and a half hours of torture. Then comes the actual labour. Emma had an epidural. I do not understand why any women would refuse this option. I understand what the reasoning behind going ahead without one is, but I still do not understand why any women would. The difference in Emma’s experience when the excruciating pain was removed was incredible.

Unfortunately there were some more complications during labour. Max’s head wasn’t in a great position and his arms were out in front of him. Our little Superman. This required more doctors to assist with the delivery and added to the already heightened levels of anxiety we were dealing with. Thankfully Max was born at 9:41am, just over twenty-four hours after the induction began. Emma’s added physical trauma from a tough delivery was just part of our story, but every new mother has their own ordeal to get through.

On the labour ward there were six new moms and six new babies. The next two days were a cocktail or every emotion the human species has to offer. As we sat there and obsessed over our little boy you cannot help but hear the other mom’s experiences on the other side of the curtains. Some had C-Sections, planned or emergency. Some were struggling now with their newfound responsibility. The feeding or changing or just caring for this tiny human. Short of confidence, how do you adjust to this new role caring for the most defenceless and reliant of little beings.

This of course, is not everyone’s experience. One woman on the ward was in labour for a total of seventeen minutes and was hoping to go home that evening. Everyone was delighted for her!

When you do go home these fears are only heightened. The amazing midwives that support you in the initial two days are gone and you must adapt. You simply must. But the emotional upheaval new moms are experiencing are still there and will be for a while. The physical trauma that their bodies go through takes time to heal. Add to this that suddenly you will be sleep deprived and you have a duty to this new little baby, heavier than any other responsibility you have ever experienced in your life. Your body and mind need to recover yet you have less time than ever before to be there for yourself.

This is the 4th trimester.

Both mother and baby will experience it. While your baby adjusts to life outside the womb, moms must adjust to their new life too. And it will take time. And you must give yourself that time.

This is where the wonderful world of the Influencer is not so wonderful. In fact, I would go as far as saying it is quite damaging. The pressures created for new moms are enormous. By posting the perfect pictures of the perfect life, hair and makeup done, looking a million quid constantly, a very dangerous narrative is being painted. That anything short of this glamorous looking lifestyle is a failure. Why am I struggling when other moms on Instagram make it look so easy?

And it is clear that the answer is a simple one. It’s fake. Every new parent faces the same challenges. The influencer’s baby still has the same dirty nappies that need changing, the same issues around sleep deprivation or feeding struggles or when you cannot get your baby to stop crying. To suggest otherwise is simply ludicrous.

The 4th Trimester is vital. It is an incredibly exciting but challenging period and needs to be identified and established as one just as and in many ways more important for self-care than the previous three. In a time when mental health and wellness has never been so supported, the 4th Trimester has fallen under the radar.

And if you are wondering why a man is writing about the 4th Trimester, I can tell you that as the husband of the most incredible mom, I assure you the only people that do not know how remarkable the new moms of the world truly are, are the moms themselves.

As I said, Women, you are amazing!