The Five (05) stages of death, while still living with your new baby! (a Postpartum Review)

Ok... so we all know that there are five cognitive stages to death: Denial, Anger, Barganing, Depression and then Acceptance (or "DABDA" as I remembered it in my Psycho-social Class). These stages are really in no particular order in its emotive phases, but when it comes the totality of the stages, they all surface their pretty-little heads at one time or another, during the grieving/loss stage.

Now, with that said, there is a great innerstanding in how this transcends in pregnancy...especially in birth and postpartum... as we will view in this article.

Pregnancy is so full of life; the mention of death in any stage of this process, raises major red flags of pessimism, raises eyebrows in disbelief and definitely raises the blood pressure of a few, just to know that there is a great possibility of it happening, at sometime, in the pregnancy. This is a very common tenant of this gestational-right-of-passage, but this is a true phenomenon as it relates to the view of the Mother's response to it 'being over'...

...let me explain...

In my experience and in the very many births I have witnessed, the BEST part, for me, in any women's birth story is the very moment...that split second...when the eyes of Mommy and Baby meet! This is when you hear, "Hey there...Im your Mom" or "WOW...are you the little one that has been kicking me all this time?" This is the stage of the pregnancy when the relief of birth meets the dawn of parenthood and all the many emotive hormones that come in between. Mom is holding her new baby, Daddy is still blown away at the entire process and the younger siblings (if any) are learning how to pronounce the name of this new addition to their Tribe!

All is well...

So...fast-forward about three weeks. Grandma is beginning to creatively enforce her parenting skills on the new couple, the floor, walls and (now) ceiling is a mess and the children are learning that they can (literally) get away with murder, now that the focus is on this new creature in the house. This is where the Death of Pregnancy begins...

This is where the her body, the house and now their world, is between the last little bit of the 'pregnancy high' and the sobering transition back to life, before pregnancy. All the Ooo's and Ahh's of how big her belly is getting, are gone. The many questions about when she is due or that nagging question, "WOW, are you still here?!?" Is gone from the co-workers. The many black stains, on the front of her shirt, from all the many, daily touches/rubs of the belly, are now gone and the home-schooled children have to get back to some sort of normalcy in their classwork. This (now) begins the "death" and the many stages of loss that can surmount the postpartum era.

Let's see this perspective in full view...

DABDA or Denial, Anger, Barganing, Depression and then Acceptance, in the postpartum stage, is the cumulation of the many emotions, feelings, hormones and the subtle realizations, that this process is 'over'. This can bring up a lot of In-grams (the Triggers,Traumas, Tragedies and Trials, that are not resolved in someone's life, that are stimulated through other life events). These In-grams can be slight or severe but the resulting realization (if not caught early) can have the situation going from tawdry to macabre in 2.2 seconds! So lets look at some possibilities of how DABDA can surface and what you can recognize in it. (NOTE: None of these suggestions are meant to treat, diagnose or make sufficient, a belief, understanding or truth, not backed up by your qualified practitioner. Please discuss this with your Primary Care Practitoner, Midwife or Natropathic Physician.)

Denial

This is the stage of the pregnancy that is the most evident, I believe, based on my experience. Its not so much as the denial of the pregnancy or the birth, but its the belief that the ordeal has some sort of "continuation" to it. Happening within the first 10 days of the birth, but its the voice of the suddenness of the conclusion. The mother has been pregnant inside of 10 months and in a split second its over....literally finished and she is successful in the process! That type of cognitive "surprise" has an effect on the brain that takes her time to realize. You may hear things like, "Its feels like there is another one in there...why is my tummy still so big?!?". This comes from the belief (especially with new Moms) that since the baby is gone, so should the belly. There is slight of thought that the belly is associated with just he baby and not the process of gestational expansion. She may begin to settle with the fact that this is not really over until the belly goes down.

I have had Moms ask me to come over their house to 'reexamine' them to make sure there isn't anything left because they believe that the stomach should be flatter than it was, after birthing. This reality happens more often than it is documented, but happens with a frequency of (about) 4 out of 10 births. This denial may also manifest with the same symptoms of pregnancy thus the belief that there is more to the postpartum stage than just resting and healing. That leads to the belief that something maybe 'wrong' because they are still feeling the same as they did wheel pregnant. This is heard when the Mother says things like, "When will this be 'over'?" Or you may hear, "I will be glad wen I can feel like myself again.". Again, not realizing that she is going through a process of transient and not the continuation of the pregnancy. Patience is practiced most here.

Anger

This one is really funny to me...with no slight to the Moms at all...this one presents as a great 'teacher' if the student is ready! From the many tantrums, yelling episodes and the many days that Dad finds himself in the proverbial 'Dog House' this stage can muster great stories to be told when the kids are grown. As we know anger is the demon-child of passion, so to be angry with or at someone just proves that you care; the more angry, the deeper the emotive force. Likewise, the more hormonal Mom is, the more chances that this 'creative passion' will emerge. Case in point...'Mary' as we will call her, took to the whole pregnancy and labor part of the process like a champ. She took all the classes I offered, sat in on the on-line lectures and even came to a few Keynote addresses I was lead in, just to make sure she got the 'full Monty' of the information and education about this process. Moreover, when I was giving Parenting and Childbirth Classes, she was sitting, front and center...a few times, in the same class...just to make sure she 'got it all'. So, when it came time to birth her beautifully healthy, boy, she was set, ready and all eyes and ears to 'feel everything'! So, why, three days after her due date, did she begin to doubt her abilities, her body and then her parenting skills. Likewise, why did she decide that her well-planned Homebirth was now, better suited to have a C-Section at the local hospital, without any medical indicators in view? As I found out, it was because of anger.

She read everything on the internet and studied every birthing method, invented, but had no answers as to why her preterm (and then prodromal labor), was lasting from 37-41 weeks with no end in sight. As her Midwife, I offered her many remedies that just wasn't working for her. In her last text to me, she replied, "I was just thinking about you...I was wondering what is taking this little boy so long...but I guess patience is the key...I love you". This was sent the night she (quietly) decided to head tot the local hospital in hopes that they would offer her an alliopathic remedy to end this. She was sadly surprised to find that they just wanted to appease her long enough to get ther to sign the surgical forms, to do the C-section. Told to me by one of the nurses, involved her care (and a good friend of mine) the on-call OB looked at the her case, previewed the records I sent and said, "yeah...we will give her time to accept the C-Section". WOW!! When I saw that the notes had no real medical indicators for the procedure, I was shocked that the end of her pregnancy would result in something she was totally against! The fact that her 'tactical' plan to not call or consult me in this measure, resulted in the very opposite of what she desired for this experience, made her go on a rebellion campaign. She did not return my calls, did not answer my text messages and block me from all social media...really?!? What did I do?!?!

I ended my connection in peace, by telling her husband that I wasn't upset with her in the least and realized that her anger (at the process) was just that, misdirected anger and denial that she was the fault in the decision she made. Clearly, she was not able to be as patient as it was required and since she didnt communicate with me (and got the wrong end of the deal), she was now placing me as the blame! I didnt admit her to the hospital, I didn't confirm the procedure and definitely didnt perform the C-Section, but she was mad at me! This anger went so far as her husband saying that she couldn't appreciate that (regardless of the events) she was now holding a beautiful baby, healthy and very real in her life, now. Her Husband was elated with his new-Daddy role but was wondering why she couldn't stop talking about the karma of her decision. The pregnancy was finally over (as she subconsciously asked for) but now the anger was not directed at whose decision actually made her arrive at the outcome she experienced. I cannot blame her personally...what was going to happen, happened, but I do continually pray for her. Anger is an emotive feeling that can turn triumph into a perceived tragedy, if not checked at the he door...farewell, Mi Amor...you are still a beautiful soul to me! Congratulations again!

Barganing

This comes when the Mother knows that the Pregnancy will more than likely end in a way that she doesn't want or desire. She has (possibly) had a C-section in the past (due to valid medical reasons) and this pregnancy is more than likely going to end in the same way. This is seen when the client is looking for someone or some situation to come along to save her and finally give her the birth she wants rather than the birth she is (almost) forced to have. She will begin to ask for different ways in birthing that will allow her more control and even more allowances to finally birth the way that she has always dreamed of. Case in point... here is "Lisa's" tale (as we will call her)

Lisa was a postpartum hemorrhagic bleed that has a sudden onset with Pitocin. This means that she hemorrhaged after the baby was born and after a reaction to the Pitocin given. In layman terms, this means, at anytime, and during any subsequent birth, there is a real possibility that she would hemorrhage again. That type of risk is NOT one to take in a homebirth setting. But her bargaining began...

She asked me my experience with cases like here's and I said, "There are a no Homebirth cases like yours, that are intentional and definitely none that use Pitocin, at home. Likewise, there are no cases that are NOT transferred to the hospital IMMEDIATELY!" I went on to say, "I cannot give you numbers or cases where turnouts are positive." She asked if there was a case that would allow her to labor until fully effaced (thinned) and dialated (opened) and then she would go to the hospital? My reply, "we couldn't take cases like yours to have and answer to that question". She went (further) on to ask if (a) I could advise her on an Unattended birth...If (b) I would be her Midwife to develop a birth plan that would be naturally successful and then followed up with asking (c) if I would talk to her current Physican (who dropped her from care for the very same denial of this truth). She went on to then ask if she could (d) be looked at (by me) first and then make a decision as to if I would consider her for care. She finished up with asking for (e) another physician to be contacted, for a second opinion, (at 38 weeks gestation) to see if they would try a natural birth or if (f) another Midwife would be considered for referral! Her attempts were very persistent, creative and advantageous, to say the least. She was determined to have the pregnancy she wanted and was ready, with all the questions that she could think of, to get her to her goal.

But alas!...she relented and her beautiful daughter was born via C-Section, healthy and strong; Mommy and Baby are well and thriving! Sometimes, in situations like these, we must learn that the birth we have is the BEST birth for us if all turns out well and healthy for all parties involved. Just trusting and believing that the outcome will be for your greater good is the best 'request' we can ask for.

Depression

This view takes on soooo many looks and has so many turns and twists that we will just surmise it as it pertains to the Postpartum result in the request for each of the cases we have mentioned thus far.

As it pertained to "Mary" (Anger)... the depression was a few levels deep. The pathology that got her to that point came from a deeply rooted anxiety, PTSD and the factors of its mismanaged treatment as well as her life-long desire to have a child. She was actually depressed while pregnant but it was safely masked with the excitement of finally being pregnant. Her In-gram was triggered when her anxiety met her passions. She wanted to get pregnant and was anxious until she was successful. Then that anxiety turned from being pregnant to the fear of doing something to lose the baby. Once she was at her due date, that triggered anxiety caused her to now want to have the baby and the wonderment as to why it was taking so long. So the decision was made and the transference of energy was seated in a quasi-depression that things didnt turn out as planned; her very natural homebirth turned into a great surgical procedure, with really no medical indicators! Her sadness turned inward and resulted in her not being able to appreciate her new baby as she should have.

Now 'Lisa' (Bargaining) ran into a depression early! This subterfuge was unmasked when her persistence lead to denial. The sadness (in the fact that she could not have the baby the way that she wanted) and the control she desired (without a healthy dose of reality), equally didnt result into the birth that she wanted. But, in this case her dismay bled into a desperation that made her depression a bit deeper in her physically ability as a women and the realization that she just couldn't have a baby the way that she wanted or the way that nature intended. After ther realization hat she will no longer be able to birth 'her way' lead her to resent her talent of pregnancy; this resulted in a greater dismay for the appreciation of the many blessings of her birth.

Acceptance

This is the 'Gift from the Gods'!!! This stream of fortunate and great favor, allows the ebb and flow of YOUR truth, to manifest in the best control you can have over any situation. This is si the 'Master-peace' of the impermanence that we are all required to have, yet sets you into a discernment that is more prophetic than any Dogma can relate to. It sets off (both) the tone of truth and the wisdom of reality, that you cannot control ANYTHING! Knowing things happen for a reason and there is no such thing as a coincidence, lets you know that the lesson and the blessing will flow in the greater actions of the outcome.

If Acceptance played any part, of either of the birth stories we spoke of, the outcome would have been totally different...intentionally! Mary would have had her Homebirth and Lisa would have planned a fabulous birth plan that would have resulted in a C-section, but with an environment she would have orchestrated a bit more gingerly and with more control. Both would have had their babies with a great power behind the stories they told and BOTH would have come out knowing that they were (now) holding the best result of any decision they would have made, in their life, thus far.

Acceptance breeds your truth in every facet of the word and it takes the greater tone of 'allowance', if you just provoke it with trust and an assurance that you will have what you seek. Its designed to give you what you want and it takes the 'high-road' every time, to assure you that you manifest what you want and the outcome will be for your best.

As always, please consult your primary care practitioner for the best results of your birth, but see to it that you get the greater chance to have what you want, by trusting in the lessons and the truth of your outcome...whatever that may be.

Chao!...until next time!