My wealthy sisters make me feel mean at Christmas because they can lavish Mum with lots of presents - when I can't afford to. How do I tell them to stop? VICKY REYNAL has the answer to a festive dilemma
I’m one of four siblings and we go to our mother’s house for Christmas. We’re all have different financial situations, so present giving is tricky.
My two sisters have highly paid jobs and children while my brother and I have tighter budgets — I’m recently divorced and he’s supporting his fiancée. We’ve tried to even things out last year by doing Secret Santa with a fixed budget but my sisters can’t resist buying extra gifts, which makes my brother and I feel mean.
Should I message on the family WhatsApp chat and say ‘no extra gifts!’ when we do Secret Santa this year?
A.D. via email
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: IT’S never too early to plan for Christmas. It can be both a magical time of the year but stressful too, with the thorny issue of gift-exchange being one of the main culprits.
It sounds as if you’re facing a delicate situation and it’s completely understandable that you want to keep things fair and manageable without dampening the holiday spirit.
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal
Bringing up the ‘extra gifts’ issue in the family chat could help set expectations, but how you frame it is essential to avoid unnecessary tension and retain harmony.
We can all be so different when it comes to spending and accepting the difference between us is not easy. It’s important to tackle the issue ahead of time if you want a matter like this not to affect you in the way that it does.
We don’t know exactly why your sisters tend to go beyond the agreed Secret Santa gift exchange. Perhaps, for them, giving extra presents is simply a way of expressing their affection. It might be a tradition they hold dear, part of what makes Christmas special for them. It’s possible that their intentions are actually rooted in kindness — they might be trying to ease the pressure on you and your brother, sticking to Secret Santa so that no one feels financially overburdened.
Understanding that their actions may come from a place of empathy, not competition, could soften your approach.
That said, it’s also important to reflect on why their additional gifts are making you feel ‘mean’.
Could there be a deeper dynamic at play, perhaps a lingering sense of competition from childhood? Do these gifts represent more than just a seasonal tradition — maybe symbolic of past tensions where you felt you had ‘less to give’?
These questions are worth exploring so that the discomfort you’re feeling doesn’t become too personal.
When it comes to addressing this with your family, consider what your true goal is.
Would you want to restrict their ability to give generously if it brings them joy? Or is it more about expressing the discomfort you feel around the imbalance, so they understand its impact on you? By focusing on the latter, you can navigate the conversation in a way that’s constructive rather than confrontational.
Instead of playing the role of the ‘Christmas Present Police’, consider gently reframing the conversation.
You might say something like: ‘I’ve been thinking about our present giving and I love that we do Secret Santa to keep it simple. Since we’re all in different financial circumstances, I was wondering if we could stick to just the one gift this year. It would take the pressure off everyone and let us focus more on spending time together rather than stressing over presents. What do you think?’
This way, you’re not issuing strict rules but opening a dialogue. Your siblings might respond by saying they enjoy giving extra gifts, but that they don’t expect more from you in return. By allowing room for this difference, you create an environment where everyone feels heard and respected, without the risk of a Christmas falling out.
Remember, ultimately, you can’t control what others will do.
Secret Santa gives you a clear boundary: you are participating within the agreed rules, and that’s perfectly valid. If your sisters decide to go beyond that, you have the choice to interpret it differently: are they trying to compete, or are they simply celebrating in their own way?
By choosing not to take it personally, you can release yourself from the burden of comparison and enjoy the Christmas with your family for what it truly is — a time of connection, not competition.
Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email [email protected]
