Dear Annie: I was married to my spouse for 34 years, and throughout our marriage, he was abusive. I separated from him two and a half years ago, and we are now divorced.
Six months after the separation, he called to apologize for not being a good husband. I asked if he wanted to reconcile, but he had already started seeing someone else just two months after we separated. His response was, “Not right now.”
For the past year and a half, we’ve talked about reconciling, but he has refused to go to counseling. He would see me occasionally but then disappear for weeks at a time. Whenever I called, he was distant and cold unless he was the one initiating a date. I kept pushing for reconciliation, but after a year of this back-and-forth, I had enough. I filed for divorce and explained my reasons and the timeline to him. I told him he would have the opportunity to contest it, but he didn’t. So, we are now divorced.
I’ve started seeing someone new, and when my ex found out the relationship was serious, only then did he express a desire to have me back. While I still love him, he remains controlling and verbally abusive, and he refuses to go to counseling. The man I’m seeing has proposed to me, and we’re planning a wedding, which would mean moving three to four hours away.
My concern is that my grown son, who lives near my ex, doesn’t keep in touch with me much as it is. I’m worried that moving farther away will further damage our relationship since I won’t be around as often.
Now I’m torn.
Should I go back to my ex and try to work things out, especially to stay near my son? My ex says he’s willing to work on things, but I’m not sure if he truly means it or if he just wants me to call off my engagement and wedding plans. -- Hurt and Confused
Dear Hurt and Confused: No, you should not go back to your ex. He refuses to look at himself in the mirror or seek any type of counseling.
Trust your instincts; he may only want to reconcile because you are with someone else. He seems very controlling.
As for your relationship with your son, make sure to keep an open line of communication and plan plenty of visits.
Stories by Annie Lane
Read more Dear Annie and other advice columns.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].