Dear Annie: I’m in a terrible conflict with my closest friend “Claudia” and can’t figure out the way forward. We’re both in our early 30s and have been friends for seven years, having met through her now-husband and my ex-husband, who are childhood friends. Claudia supported me through a traumatic divorce two years ago, and we became like family. But since then, I’ve struggled with depression, moving back in with my parents in another state and losing my job, while she got engaged, landed a high-powered job and recently married.
The conflict began when she announced her wedding date. I immediately asked if my ex and his new wife would be invited, which upset her as she felt I should have congratulated her first. We argued over this and other prior moments where I felt she had been unfairly aggressive (she’s a straight-shooting CEO; I prefer a gentler approach).
Eventually, I attended her bachelorette party but was emotionally drained and dreading questions from women who knew about my divorce, and I didn’t hide my lack of excitement. This caused her to act coldly toward me. She later told me she needed me to be in a better mental state for her wedding, and I brought up how hurt I was by her dismissiveness at the bachelorette. She exploded, saying our friendship had been all about me for three years, that she needed space, and that she was reconsidering our relationship.
Her wedding took place last month (I’m happy I wasn’t there to cross paths with folks I dreaded), and I recently discovered she friended my ex’s new wife on Instagram, which has left me furious.
Annie, who is in the wrong here? What am I missing? Should I be upset by her connection with that woman? I still love her, but I’m worried the friendship has run its course. I’m so lost. Please advise. -- Lost, Loving Friend
Dear Reader: It isn’t about who’s “right” or “wrong.” You and Claudia are in different seasons of life right now, so it makes sense that you both might feel unsupported and are struggling to relate to one another.
It’s normal for friendships to ebb and flow. What you need to consider is whether you really want things to flow between you two once more.
Do you think things are worth salvaging with Claudia? With this recent space and more honest, direct communication, does it feel possible to move past these bumps in the road? Repairing this relationship will require grace and forgiveness from you both.
And as far as Claudia’s relationship with your ex’s new wife, try to understand how she’s obligated to treat her husband’s best friend’s new partner.
Stories by Annie Lane
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