Joanna Gaines Says It Can Be 'Uncomfortable' Reflecting on Her Life: 'Makes You Second Guess' (Exclusive)

Joanna Gaines is taking time to reflect — even if it's not always comfortable.

In the fall 2024 issue of Magnolia Journal, the Fixer Upper star, 46, opens up about the challenges of looking inward in her "A Note from Jo" essay.

“I’m a fixer, a refiner — and in some ways I’ve made a career out of sharpening the instinct that draws my eye toward the off-balance and out of sync,” writes Gaines, who was photographed for the issue in her newly renovated rose shed at the Waco, Texas farm she shares with her husband Chip, 49, and their five children.

“The part that can be harder is the pausing. Looking curiously at the chaos of my own busy life to try to create some order or fine-tune a few too-familiar ways of living that may no longer serve me," she continues.

So while "self reflection is "healthy and good and necessary," she admits "it can be uncomfortable. It can be quiet. It can go slow. It can make you second-guess, well, everything.”

Joanna — who balances running her Magnolia home renovation empire with Chip, while raising kids Drake, 19, Ella, 17, Duke, 16, Emmie, 14, and Crew, 6 — shares that there are days in her packed schedule when she feels she’s “living in a held breath.”

She goes on to share that she’s forcing herself to “pause purposefully” for a while, which will involve “pulling back” in some areas of her work. But she’s hopeful for the result.

“In the end, here’s what I’m hoping for: the beauty of what we’ll see with this little bit of clarity,” Joanna writes. “There may be some discomfort and awkwardness at first. But slowly, truth fills the space we’re making. Maybe something does need to change. Or maybe you realize that you’re already living the life you dreamed of. You only needed clearer eyes to see it.”

Joanna and Chip, who celebrated the 20th anniversary of their Magnolia brand and their 20th wedding anniversary last year, have been reflecting on how far they’ve come.

In a Today with Hoda & Jenna segment that aired in November 2023, Jenna Bush Hager asked the couple what came to mind when they thought about their beginnings versus where they are now.

They both began their answers with “a lot of kids.” 

Joanna added that she was thinking about “the idea that what was in our hearts as a dream was just a small little shop, doing some renovations in town.”

“Something much simpler,” Chip said.

Shortly after Chip and Joanna tied the knot in 2003, in their hometown of Waco, they opened Magnolia Market together. A decade later, they became household names thanks to their hit HGTV series, Fixer Upper.

Their Magnolia empire has grown to include their own TV network, numerous product lines (including one at Target), books, a restaurant, a boutique hotel and more.

Chip said it felt as though they were “looking backwards” for the first time since they began building their business.

Never miss a story — sign up for PEOPLE's free daily newsletter to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from juicy celebrity news to compelling human interest stories.

“It’s just like, ‘Wow, man — a lot happened,’” he said. “And you really didn’t get time to stop and really smell the roses while it was occurring. But now, for whatever reason, we really feel like we’re in just a really nice place.”

However, one thing that hasn't changed in the past two decades is their focus on home.

“That's the thing we're most passionate about," Joanna told PEOPLE in an exclusive interview in June. "Home is the best place on Earth. And so the fact that we're still doing the very thing that we started with — that never gets old.”