The pressures of looking after a new baby can put a pause on intimacy, even for the closest of couples.
And for this week’s Sex Column reader, years of fertility struggles have also taken a toll, adding an extra layer to why sex is the last thing on her mind.
Although she’s overjoyed to finally be a mum, her libido has plummeted, and her relationship with her husband is suffering as a result.
Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to check out last week’s column, from a man whose affair with his dad’s young girlfriend is becoming even more complicated.
The problem…
I’m really struggling to enjoy sex after the birth of my baby in July, and although I realise this is having a negative effect on my marriage, I can’t seem to change the way I feel.
My husband and I spent nearly four years trying for a child and eventually we had IVF treatment. It took three goes and a fair chunk of money, but in the end it worked. Our little girl is absolutely gorgeous and we both adore her, but despite this I’m not as happy as I should be.
He works long hours and although he tries to be helpful when he’s home, I still feel exhausted a lot of the time. When we go to bed, sex is the last thing on my mind, but he still expects me to get turned on. I try not to come across as uncaring and frigid, but frankly, I don’t enjoy sex and find myself making excuses to avoid it.
This is causing tension between us and during a row last week I told him to go and pay for a prostitute if he just wanted to get laid. I don’t know why I said it, because anything like that would spell the end of our marriage – but after four years of trying for a baby, instead of being happy we are just destroying each other.
Our sex life was going downhill before I even got pregnant, and although I know we need to rekindle the love and passion we once had, right now it feels impossible.
The advice…
In your longer email you explained that postnatal depression had been discounted by your health visitor, which is great news. So let’s look at what else might be causing your problems.
I wonder whether you spent too long seeing sex as a way of making a baby, rather than just enjoying it for its own sake, or seeing it as an expression of love. Working to temperature readings and having intercourse by the clock can make you lose all the spontaneity and excitement that sex should bring.
Now that you’ve got the baby, which should feel wonderful, you’re actually exhausted and resentful. And feeling guilty about your emotions brings you down even more, so you’re trapped in a negative cycle.
As first-time parents, you’re both going through a period of adjustment. Getting back to a normal love life after childbirth can be problematic, but all that getting up in the night, or trying to calm a crying baby, doesn’t last forever.
As with many problems, good communication is the key. Don’t be snappy with your husband; just talk to him about your feelings, which are perfectly normal.
Meanwhile, ask for help from friends and family, who’ll be happy to take on those little jobs like laundry or shopping, while you catch up on some sleep.
Please don’t despair; as long as the love between you guys is still there deep down, it’s only a matter of time before you rediscover what you had before.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to [email protected].
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