I asked my boyfriend to stop initiating sex and it made things hotter than ever

‘I think we should stop having sex on Fridays,’ I blurt out to my partner, who is in the middle of kissing my neck – a telltale sign that he’s trying to seduce me. 

Alex knows the spot right by my ear is very sensitive, so this move should work wonders.

We’ve been in a relationship for over a year and he has just returned home from working away. I know he’s horny and usually I appreciate his high sex drive.

But today, I find his advances irritating.

Before I go on, I want to make it clear that my partner is great in the sack and nothing that I am about to say is his fault.

He is a wonderful man who pays attention to my needs. Every girl should be so lucky.

But we’ve been doing this same routine nearly every Friday for the past three months.

Alex recently took a new job, travelling to various cities throughout the week, before returning home on the weekend, which has put a strain on our sex life.

Midweek, we sent sexy photos, had phone sex and I longed to have him back in bed with me.

But ever-so-slowly, without me even realising it, this longing turned to resentment.

I became upset that our sex life was no longer spontaneous.

By always having sex when he returned on a Friday, we had unintentionally created a shagging schedule that dictated when I should be turned on – and it was doing the very opposite to my libido.

In that initial conversation, I could tell by his wrinkled brow that my initial comment had thrown him off. 

Using the kindest words I could think of, I explained that our current set-up, along with other factors such as my busy workload, has been impacting my sex drive.

I make a point to emphasise that this isn’t about Alex’s skills, nor my feelings for him.

Put very simply, when it comes to sex, I am an impulsive person who follows her urges. 

My body takes the lead, not my brain. As it turns out, my body doesn’t like a rigid schedule – and I need to feel like I’m in charge of my own sex drive. 

So, I ask Alex if he would be okay with me initiating sex for the next few weeks, while he takes a backseat.

After I said my piece, guilt set in. I felt like an awful partner who should appreciate my lover’s eagerness.

These intrusive thoughts only last for a moment, as I reminded myself that I have every right to tell the person I have sex with how I feel.

Thankfully, his reply put me at ease almost immediately.

‘Honey, that’s absolutely fine, we don’t have to have sex every Friday,’ he says.

With laughter in his voice, he gives me a kiss, before adding: ‘If anything, it might make the experience even better for me because then I’ll know that when you reach for me, it’s because you want me – not because of any sense of obligation.’

Talking might not sound like it’ll get you hot and bothered – but trust me, it will improve your sex life

In a split second, all of the annoyance and pressure I’ve felt over the past few weeks melted away. 

I had a big grin on my face – he had taken it exactly as I intended. 

Alex wasn’t upset and we settled on a solution that works for both of us.

But I’ve had less successful experiences in the past.

Some of my lovers have taken my occasional dip in libido as motivation to try harder. While admirable, this only made things worse because the pressure piled on even further.

If my body isn’t feeling it, even your best performance will not get my motor running.

One of my exes was also a very jealous man; when we had problems in the bedroom, he would often ask if there was ‘someone else’.

The accusation was painful and just drove us further apart.

Several of my friends have confessed that they worry about raising issues about their sex life, too, for fear of offending their other half.

But this is not about passing blame. That will not help anyone.

What I want you to remember is that communication is everything in the bedroom. In fact, for me, it’s the most important part of shagging.

You might be amazing at oral sex or have the stamina of a Greek god, but nothing gets me as excited as good listening skills.

Talking might not sound like it’ll get you hot and bothered – but trust me, it will improve your sex life.

Don’t be afraid of speaking up. Your feelings are valid.

But choose your words wisely.

As for myself and Alex, that conversation happened last month and I’m happy to report that our sex life is on the up again. Thankfully, he is soon swapping jobs so there’s a permanent solution on the horizon.

For now, I’m really enjoying the chance to take charge. Having this little bit of control has made me feel much more comfortable. And horny.

We even had sex last Friday. 

But because we fancied it, not because it was the day to do it. 

So I’m glad we talked things out – because it made it easier to shag things out.

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