I thought our first date was going well – until he started laughing

It all started with spilled yoghurt. 

I first came across Rob* on a popular dating app, after he messaged me and joked about one of my photos where I had yoghurt in my hair. 

We had an instant connection. Rob seemed fun and smart, and had a nice job involving caring for people that made me think he must be a good person. 

He was a single father, which I was happy about as I love kids, and he was my age, in his 40s, which I liked because I usually get hit on by guys old enough to be my dad.

We quickly switched to messaging on WhatsApp, exchanging voice notes – he had a lovely voice – and then he asked to speak on the phone. We talked for nearly an hour, and I started to feel excited. 

Rob and I arranged a date for a week’s time, and chatted lots in the run up, getting to know each other more. 

Until we met, the only thing that gave me the ick was that Rob’s language was strangely old fashioned. And I don’t mean like ‘from the 1960s.’ I mean mediaeval.

When he was frustrated, he would exclaim, ‘Botheration!’ 

He also liked to call me ‘lady’. When I said I was going to bed early one night, he wrote back, ‘Then I shall bid you goodnight, lady’. 

It all reminded me of the Knights of the Round Table.

But it was such a small, harmless quirk that I decided to overlook it.

On the day of the date, I was both excited and nervous as I made the hour-long journey to Rob’s area of London, where we met at a fancy café. 

When we spotted one another, I felt attraction pass between us. He was a lot taller than me, which I liked. So far, so good. 

And, for a couple of hours, I thought Rob was amazing. As our date progressed, there was no sign of the old-fashioned language creeping into our conversation, which I was relieved about, and he seemed compassionate and listened so well that I was incredibly open, telling him all about my life. 

I was so excited, I wasn’t really concentrating on drinking my tea in a ladylike way, and even spilt a little on the table.

I wanted to end the date asap, so I could get away from him

Rob revealed that he had had issues with his mental health.

I empathised and felt comfortable enough to reveal details of my own traumatic youth: that my late dad had been physically violent and emotionally abusive. 

Opening up, I told Rob that my dad called me disgusting, revolting and said I made him sick. He would hit me over the tiniest errors: like wearing clothes sloppily, or spilling my juice.

To my total shock and horror, Rob’s response was to laugh.

He said: ‘Well, your dad wouldn’t be very happy with the amount of tea you’ve spilt today, would he?!’

I almost physically reeled. It was incredibly upsetting – I couldn’t believe he’d made a joke out of my suffering.

I wanted to end the date asap, so I could get away from him. So I drank the tea very fast, and ironically managed to spill it again, which Rob found amusing.

For hours, I had thought we were going to enter a relationship, so I tried to attract him. All of a sudden, I had to do the opposite. I told him my borderline personality disorder (BPD) meant it was nearly impossible for me to have a serious relationship. 

While this is true, I was only telling this to Rob to put him off.

I suggested that we could be friends because I was desperate to avoid getting romantically involved, but said I didn’t think a relationship could work – it might impact his own mental health. I wanted to show I was empathetic about his struggles, unlike his reaction to mine. 

Rob just shrugged and nodded.

After I left, I felt sick and knew I never wanted to see him again, so I messaged him: ‘Hey, it was lovely to meet you, but after much thought I think I’d better focus on my work. I’m sure you’ll meet the right girl soon! Take care.’

His response was even worse – he wrote back assuming that this rejection was due to my BPD. 

I wanted to tell him it wasn’t due to my condition, but his heartlessness. 

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He added: ‘I won’t be blocking you, that’s for sure.’ But I really wished he had. He never tried to get back in touch – and I blocked him instead.

Soon after the date, I cancelled my dating app subscription. The incident made me feel truly sad, and put me off meeting guys in the future. 

I guess at least Rob showed his true colours early. 

He may have spoken like something from King Arthur – but he was no knight in shining armour.

*Name has been changed

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