Because of my good looks, men only want me for sex — but I want love

While beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, there’s no denying that conventional good looks can offer you a leg up in life.

In this week’s Sex Column, we hear from a woman who’s experienced a range of advantages as a result of her appearance, but wonders if it’s also damaging her love life.

Although she’s able to find dates without issue, these relationships rarely last. As she gets older and sees her friends settling down, she can’t help but feel her lack of success is because men won’t take her seriously.

Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to check out last week’s column, from a reader who’s becoming suspicious about his new girlfriend’s secrecy.

The problem…

It probably sounds really conceited, but I know that I’m very attractive and can get guys easily. If I’m honest, my looks have helped me over the years in all sorts of ways where the person opposite me was male – bagging jobs and promotions, getting discount in shops, haggling over taxi fares.

Yet despite what I’ve just said, deep down I have no confidence. Yes, I can get gorgeous guys but I can’t seem to hang on to them. I don’t think I’m boring, or have no sense of humour – I have lots of friends and a busy social life, so I can’t be that bad.

It just feels like guys want to get me into bed, love me and leave me. It’s happened so many times, I’ve lost count.

Friends who are quite plain are happily settled and some are even married with kids. I long for this to happen to me, but sometimes I think being good looking is a handicap.

I’m lucky to have great sex, and that’s wonderful, but I’d really like someone to take me seriously. I’ve been a bridesmaid three times in the last two years, and I feel haunted by that saying about always being the bridesmaid and never the bride.

I’m nearly 30 and feel like I’m destined to spend life on my own.

The advice…

I appreciate your honesty, but at the risk of criticising, you seem very preoccupied with appearances. What sort of guys are you going for? If they’re the kind who spend longer looking in the mirror than you do, you’re probably going after the wrong type.

I hate wheeling out old clichés, but looks aren’t everything. Have you ever thought of dating men who are funny and kind, but not necessarily drop-dead gorgeous?

You seem to rate your own looks very highly, and so you think any man on your arm has to be some sort of Adonis. That feels like a very shallow approach. Surely what matters isn’t that a guy is superficially handsome, but that he’s attractive – which means personality, and not just appearance.

There is another possibility, which is that your deeper lack of self-confidence causes you anxiety about giving off the right ‘image’. Therapy can help overcome that.

Finally, you might be sending out a needy vibe that’s putting guys off. Take a deep breath and be calm. Don’t be in such a rush to find Mr Right, because the more you panic and give off those desperate signals, the less likely you are to find him.

Take some time out from your search for the perfect partner and just enjoy all the other things in life. Socialise, exercise, take up a new hobby, learn a language – fill your life with things that aren’t men.

Love isn’t time limited and can come along at any age; and remember there are many fulfilled people who are happily single. No one knows what the future holds, so just relax and take each day as it comes.

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to [email protected].

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