I’ve RSVP’d to my friend’s wedding – but I’ve just got a better offer

Wedding planner and venue owner Alison Rios McCrone helps solve your dilemmas, no matter how big or small, in a weekly agony aunt column.

Dear Alison,

My wife and I are going to a wedding in September. We accepted at the start of the year when the couple sent out the invites, but now my family have booked a long weekend away for all of my family – all expenses paid – to a spa hotel in the Cotswolds on the same weekend.

Both my wife and I really want to go to the family weekend but agree that we have made a commitment to go to the wedding. 

We can still make it to the hotel if we leave the wedding in the early evening – but would it be rude? The wedding starts at 2pm so we will have been there for the ceremony, drinks reception and most of the dinner.

Essentially what I am asking is: what is the earliest you can leave a wedding without looking really rude? 

Thanks,

Ian

Dear Ian

It is always tricky when life throws conflicting commitments on the same date, especially when both involve loved ones and special occasions.

Your sense of responsibility to attend the wedding after you have sent an RSVP is commendable. But it is understandable that you also want to go on the family holiday.

Juggling responsibilities and finding memorable family time together can be difficult, especially when things are busy – but life is all about balance and understandably, you want to make the most of both events.

You’re already attending so much of the wedding – the ceremony, drinks, reception, and most of the dinner – you’re showing your commitment. 

But I worry that leaving during the meal will draw so much attention to yourselves. If you don’t stay for the whole meal, which the couple will have provided, it may appear rude.

However, if you depart shortly after the dinner and before the evening party kicks off, you will be less likely to be noticed.

I suggest waiting until the meal and speeches are over, as they are the formalities.

Waiting another 30 minutes after the meal to listen to the speeches makes little difference to attending the family event, but will have a larger impact on the couple. 

I suggest you let the couple know before the wedding day that you would love to stay the entire evening, but you have a family commitment that requires your presence later on and will have to leave early once the meal is over.

Most couples will appreciate your honesty and effort in being there for most of their big day and letting them know you cannot stay for the duration

Leaving a wedding early is sometimes necessary, and if handled with care, it can be done without creating resentment. The key is timing and communication. 

We occasionally see guests leave after the meal and speeches at our venue – and they always make an effort to thank the happy couple before they go. Because of this, we’ve never seen a couple take offence to it.

Take the time to thank and congratulate the pair before you leave. It shows appreciation and respect for them.

Express how much you have enjoyed the day and regret that you must leave earlier than you would like. 

Once the formalities are over, you can make your exit.

Wishing you a wonderful weekend at both celebrations.

Best wishes,

Alison

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