Spanking, spitting, a little bit of bondage…
These days, I’d like to think that I’m a pretty confident lover. I consider myself quite lucky in that I have felt comfortable to give such different experiences a go; it has allowed me to figure out what I like and what I don’t like.
But I will admit that there have been times where I felt hesitant in speaking up.
Several years ago, a lover of mine, who was both older and more sexually experienced than I was, suggested we try a fantasy of his.
To preserve his privacy, I won’t tell you exactly what this kink was but let’s just say it was very niche.
I quickly realised that what he wanted was not for me but I hesitated in telling him, because I didn’t want to ruin his experience.
Thankfully, he noticed my shift in body language and less-than-enthusiastic facial expression and asked if I wanted to continue – to which I declined, and he stopped.
The lesson this taught me is that I’m happy to experiment but I should have respect for my own boundaries.
It also confirmed something that I already knew – consent is paramount at all times, and it is especially important that you pay attention to spoken and unspoken cues during rough or dirty sex.
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And this goes both ways. For example, one of my exes had only had a handful of sexual partners in his life, none of whom were particularly ‘adventurous,’ which made our sex life quite challenging at first.
As someone who is open to rough sex, I suggested he throw me around the bed a bit – but my request was met hesitancy from him. Partly because he had never had any form of rough sex but also because he feared that he wouldn’t pair up to previous sexual partners or ‘do it right’.
He also felt reluctant in pulling my hair or grabbing my hands and putting them over my head, because he worried that he would hurt me.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to do it, he just didn’t know where to start and was nervous about getting it wrong.
But we didn’t just give up. In fact, for months we worked on taking things step by step.
I’d always say that, if you’re trying something that neither of you has experience in and it falls on the more extreme end of the spectrum (such as choking or BDSM), don’t rush into the sex act.
Do your research or consult an expert – whether professional or a friend with ample experience – and have a thorough conversation beforehand.
It is extremely important that you understand that you are both responsible for the other person’s wellbeing at all times, regardless of whether you are having a one-night-stand or are in a long-term relationship.
There are no excuses when it comes to safety.
It’s why my ex and I even implemented a safe word – which, to avoid ambiguity, should be a word not linked to sex and is respected at all times – and it helped immensely.
Eventually we reached a good compromise, trying a cute little whip and some role play, and we both felt comfortable doing it.
On the other hand, a friend of mine, who loves when men spit her in the mouth during sex, recently broke up with someone who not only didn’t understand this desire, but was also outright appalled by it.
He couldn’t wrap his head around why this lovely, clever and beautiful woman would want to be treated ‘this way’ in bed.
Let me be clear: we don’t need to be virginal or innocent in the sack to be considered worthy.
Yet, from my experience, and based on what other women have told me, men in particular seem to often struggle with treating a woman they have feelings for in an ‘ungentlemanly’ way.
I understand where this type of implicit bias might be coming from. Men are taught that respectable women want respectable sex – but this is a lie.
Calling someone a ‘filthy b**tch’ between the sheets is not the same as saying it to them during dinner. And enjoying dirty sex doesn’t make us sluts, because we are not the same people in bed as we are in life.
Nor should you have to resign yourself to a life of romantic missionary sex while actually wishing your lover would just ‘do you hard up against the bedroom wall’.
So, I’ll offer the same advice that I would give any friend who wants to spice up their sex life: take baby steps and explain to your partner the things you enjoy in what you currently do, and what new things you’d like to try together.
This is a much softer approach because you’re not ‘demanding’ a change, rather offering up alternatives so that the other person can choose from a menu of items. It can feel less daunting that way.
I am not saying that every woman wants dirty sex either, or that those who do, want it 24/7. Our preferences can change daily.
The key is to be honest, listen to each other and reassure your lover.
If all else fails, consider the ice cream analogy.
When we’re sharing a bowl (read: bed) with someone else, we have to learn to compromise.
If you, like me, absolutely hate rum and raisin, take it off the table. But perhaps you could try a scoop of lemon sorbet or bubblegum, instead?
There are endless flavours to choose from. That’s why ice cream – and sex – is so much fun.
Besides, figuring out which flavour makes you feel good is half the fun. You just have to be brave enough to lick the spoon.
feel good is half the fun. You just have to be brave enough to lick the spoon.
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