Hopefully we’re all a little older and wiser since the advent of online dating and its associated spirit-crushing trends like ghosting, breadcrumbing, and stashing.
Unfortunately, despite any learning we’ve done over the years, it still hasn’t stopped us from forming new toxic habits that make looking for love a real drag.
The latest of these to hit our lexicon is paper clipping — and it turns out you may have fallen victim to it without even knowing.
Inspired by Clippy, the infamous Microsoft virtual assistant who had a habit of popping up at the most unexpected and inopportune moments, this term refers to someone who randomly dips in and out of your life.
Perhaps you started out enjoying a few dates and romance was starting to blossom, or maybe you were in a fully-fledged relationship that eventually fizzled out. Either way, they at one point seemed to cut contact and vanish completely.
Now comes the paper clipping: every so often, they’ll resurface with a message or call, letting you know they’re still around before disappearing once again shortly afterwards.
While there’s nothing wrong with checking in with old flames now and then, what sets paper clipping apart is how there’s no real intention of reconnecting properly.
If it seems insensitive at best and cruel at worst, that’s because it’s an act that’s more about the perpetrator than the recipient.
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Relationship psychologist Dr Limor Gottlieb tells Metro.co.uk: ‘People who paper clip in dating are not interested in a long term relationship and are emotionally unavailable, meaning they avoid intimacy and therefore keep conversations short.
‘It could also be that this person is already in a relationship and wants keep you on a back burner in case that relationship doesn’t work out, or they may be dating other people and don’t want to commit to one person at the moment.’
On a deeper level, Dr Sarah Taylor, senior lecturer in psychology at Cardiff Metropolitan University, says it can provide the paper clipper with ‘instant gratification,’ as ‘a response gives them the attention which they crave and indicates that the other person is still interested.’
Are you being paper clipped
Dr Sarah recommends asking yourself the following questions:
- Do you suddenly receive a random text after a period of time without contact?
- Is the opening gambit generic: something like, “How are you?” or “What have you been doing?”
- Does ongoing communication with a paper clipper become boring as communication lacks substance, interest and interactions are a dead end?
- Do they text regularly, then become more flaky in responding, before stopping completely for a while?
- Do they seem not to care? Do their messages demonstrate little interest in you? Do interactions lead somewhere (such as a date) or are they going nowhere?
If their behaviour ticks all the boxes of paper clipping, you may have cause for concern.
But in their pursuit for validation (whether unconsciously or purposefully), the culprit impacts both your feelings and their potential for a successful relationship with you in the future.
‘Alongside frustration, confusion and stress, it’s likely to cause false hope as the person being paper clipped initially feels that a relationship might be developed from this connection only to have these hopes dashed, which may lead to their feeling that they have been taken advantage of.
‘Ultimately, the person on the receiving end may experience self-doubt (“what is wrong with me?”) and engage in self-blame to provide an explanation as to why the person is no longer in contact.’
Although there’s no excuse for this kind of behaviour, there are a few different reasons why someone might end up paper clipping. It’s important to note, though, none of them are to do with you.
‘They’re likely to be emotionally immature and unable to engage in a meaningful relationship,’ says Dr Sarah. ‘They are also scared of being rejected, are insecure, and lack self-esteem and confidence.’
To add to this, the landscape of online dating has dramatically shifted how we form relationships and the expectations we put on ourselves or others in terms of respectful behaviour.
Dr Sarah explains: ‘The use of social media and dating platforms makes it easy to paper clip because it’s so quick and easy to send someone a DM or a text and to develop connections with others – even if they fail to develop into something more meaningful.
‘However, it also allows the paper clipper to manage their “relationships” as they can prevent people from getting too close (and so they cannot be rejected by anyone) by engaging in a cycle of communicating and ghosting.
‘Further, the current dating scene also provides people with an endless choice to people to date. The result being that people may be more selective, less decisive and have less of a need to commit to a relationship since there is always someone else out there.’
So what should you do if you suspect you’re being paper clipped?
According to Dr Limor, giving them a taste of their own medicine may be the best solution, as long as you’re also dating other people and ‘don’t care about being one of several people the other person is dating.’
However, she adds: ‘If you are looking for a deeper connection and ultimately want to be in a relationship with someone, my tip is to block this person – don’t waste your time, and use it to invest in meeting other people.’
As Dr Sarah highlights, ‘a relationship should be reciprocal and make you feel good.’ You deserve more than being a mere option for someone, and prioritising your own wellbeing means moving on to someone who treats you right and not letting a paper clip get you bent out of shape.
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