Ghosting is causing a mental health crisis. On my dating app it’s banned

Lizzie ThomsonPublished Feb 14, 2024, 6:00am|Updated Feb 14, 2024, 2:30pm

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‘I’m disappointed in my own behavior when it comes to dating,’ explains 29-year-old Zaahirah Adam, from North London, who is a self-confessed ‘unsuccessful serial dater’.

‘I’ve ignored so many people and so many have ignored me. It’s just not a very human way to interact with each other – I would never ignore my friends.

‘I don’t think we’ve ever, as a society, experienced so much rejection and it’s leading to a mental health epidemic: you’re getting rejected over and over again, but you’re also rejecting people over and over again.

‘I also don’t fundamentally believe you can make an emotional connection with someone over text.

‘I want to bring humans back into the dating process.’

Zaahirah, who works as a head of strategy analytics for a UK bank, says she’d love to settle down and meet someone and admits she’s been ‘on and off dating apps since they were invented’ – with no real luck.

‘I’ve tried them all – Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, The League – you name it, I’ve tried it,’ Zaahirah tells Metro.

‘I think part of problem is that dating apps are incentivising the wrong thing. People are swiping as many people as they can – and then they’re stuck with too many people and can’t really whittle through them. I’m as much to blame as anyone else, I have probably have 20 matches that I’ve not even responded to.

‘Now’s the time to change things before we end up alone with our animals. Don’t get me wrong I do love my dog, but I would also love a partner.’

Zaahirah Adam on holiday — ‘I want to bring humans back into the dating process’ (Picture: Zaahirah Adam)

After experiencing the pitfalls of dating apps and her mental health suffering as a result – even citing them as ‘one of the biggest things’ she speaks to her therapist about – Zaahirah’s decided to take things into her own hands.

But rather than turn her back on them completely, the 29-year-old has decided to create her own one – albeit with a few very distinctive differences: no chat messaging at all (with phone calls as the communication of choice), just three opportunities for dates per week, and an absolute zero tolerance for ghosting.

And so her brainchild hati (which translates as heart in Indonesian) was born.

‘The whole idea is that a voice connects us more than text conversations ever could,’ she says.

‘I think it’s still important that we see each other on the app, so you’ll still be able to post photos and videos, and you’ll upload voice memo to introduce yourself.

‘But you’ll only get three phone dates a week – so we’re not incentivising to match with as many people as possible, because you’re limited in the number of dates you can have.’

Zaahirah says when a user matches with someone they upload their weekly availability for a phone date, the app then matches your free time and puts a date in your calendar (you can even sync it to your personal calendar if you prefer). Obviously life happens, so you can change your availability with some notice and change a date up to two hours in advance. At the time of the phone date, the app will ring both parties so they never have to exchange numbers.

‘We do everything for you. It’s all automated,’ explains Zaahirah.

‘Once you’ve finished the date, you hang up and go back on the app and tell us if you want another date with that person or end the match. So there’s no more messaging graveyard and no more not knowing what’s going on with the match.

‘It’s a respectful way for both parties to know what’s going on with an interaction.

‘If two people want to meet in person, the app geo-locates you and based on your dating preferences and picks a location and time that suits both.

‘So again, that’s another safety aspect that you’re not just turning up to a date, not knowing what’s going on. It also opens a chat function two hours before the date in case you just need to tell someone that you’re running a bit late.’

But Zaahirah’s favourite USP is the absolute zero tolerance towards ghosting.

She adds: ‘If you don’t answer your phone date (it rings at least twice just in case) then you will get banned from hati. For the first offense it’s for the week, because we want our members to know they can have a positive experience and treat each other respectfully.

‘On the second time, you’ll get banned for a couple of weeks and on the third for a month. If you come back after a month and you still are missing dates then you’ll be permanently banned, because that’s not the type of behavior we want.’

As someone incredibly passionate about mental health – and who has previously volunteered with Childline – Zaahirah also hopes to eventually integrate licensed and professional mental health support into the app.

And for all the sceptics who think this is ‘just another dating app’, Zaahirah says she gets it – she’s ‘dating app-fatigued’ herself.

She adds: ‘I think people are tired of all the things that I’m trying to fix.

‘I cannot tell you how many times I deleted, redownload, deleted and redownload all of the different apps. We all do it. We’re all sick of it – but it’s like a necessary evil.

‘But hati isn’t the same type of apps we’ve been sold in the past. It’s genuinely looking to fix some of the problems.’

In fact, the 29-year-old is so passionate she’s currently self-funding the project herself.

hati is currently in its early days of development and is launching this week to get sign ups, just in time for Valentine’s Day.

Once enough people have registered interest, it’ll move onto app form – and Zaahirah has a team of developers on hand to make this happen.

The 29-year-old hopes hati will not only strike a chord with numerous others singles experiencing the same dating grievances, but it’ll also help her get lucky in love.

She adds: ‘I’m going to be the number one user of the app – hopefully only for a week or two, as it’ll have worked so well.’

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