Pregnant with a new addition to your existing brood? Alongside your little bundle of joy, it’s fair to expect an additional bundle of guilt.
While you might be preoccupied when expecting number one with questions about what birth will be like or what kind of parent you’ll be, the emotions in subsequent pregnancies can be a bit more… complex.
We asked Sarah Ockwell-Smith, mum of four, parenting expert and author of The Second Baby Book for her tips on overcoming the guilt and making the arrival of your new family member as happy as it can be.
What is ‘mum guilt’ and why does it happen when a second baby arrives?
‘I think all mums feel guilt surrounding their children and their parenting choices. Partly because of the messages we are surrounded with from social media, where we see mums who we think are doing a better job than us,’ explains Ockwell-Smith.
‘When a second baby arrives it brings a unique type of guilt. Mums feel guilty that they are upsetting their firstborn and disrupting their life. Some feel guilty that their everyday routine with the firstborn is disrupted and they don’t have their undivided attention anymore.
‘There can be a sort of grief – grieving for the life you had just the two of you and the bond that you had.
‘You might also feel guilty if you simply can’t do the things with the new baby that you did the first time around, because now you have a child and a baby to care for.
‘They can also feel guilty that they don’t have the same time bonding with the newborn, there is little time for baby classes and activities when you have a toddler or preschooler to care for.’
She continues that some of the moments you may have made with your firstborn don’t happen with your second, like filling out a baby memory book and this might seem that time is on fast-forward and there’s no time to appreciate them.
‘Perhaps the most difficult time is when both children are crying and both need you equally and you have to choose which one to comfort first,’ Ockwell-Smith says.
‘It leaves new mums of two feeling torn in two. Often they feel as if they’re not meeting anybody’s needs.’
It can stem from having to do things differently the second time around
When it comes to your second child, some parents struggle with doing things differently and changing their methods and routines.
‘If they breastfed their firstborn, but they need to formula feed their second, or if they weaned their firstborn on to home-cooked, organic food, and they need to use pre-prepared jars to feed their second born,’ explains Ockwell-Smith.
‘There is often this sense of not doing things fairly or equally and somehow letting one of the children down. Of course, as they grow the children won’t have any clue about any of this, but that doesn’t help the sense of guilt.’
Where does the guilt come from?
‘I think second-mum guilt comes from within most of the time,’ begins Ockwell-Smith.
‘There is this feeling of your heart being torn in two at times and wondering if you have enough to go around, plus a sense of missing the past and regretting things not being the same for the second born.
‘Societal pressure doesn’t help, but this is something we do to ourselves.’
How can you overcome it?
Bottom line: you can’t!
‘We have to start from the position of realising that these feelings are very normal and much more common than we realise,’ says Ockwell-Smith.
‘The best thing to do is to recognise and accept all of your feelings. Honour them, recognise them and don’t feel bad for anything you are feeling.
‘Don’t worry that you will feel this way forever – you won’t – nobody would have a third or fourth child if that was the case!
‘The feelings will ebb and flow over the next few months (and sometimes even years). Really, accepting your feelings is the best thing you can do – don’t rush yourself to feel differently.’
Speaking to other parents can help especially if they’re feeling the same as you. But if you do speak to some parents and they don’t, be wary as this can add to anxiety.
‘Otherwise do what I call “looking for the glimmers” – the small positive signs that things are going to be alright: the first time the baby smiles at your firstborn, the time when your firstborn gently strokes their sibling’s cheek, or asks if the baby can come too if you go somewhere together.
‘These small signs that everything will be okay can really help you to get through.’
When should you seek help for these feelings?
If you’re feeling down more often than you’re feeling happy, and if you’re struggling with generalised feelings of anxiety and depression that go beyond the normal transition to a mum of two, Ockwell-Smith suggests speaking with your health visitor, midwife or GP.
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