There’s no one way to be a parent, and what works with one child may not work with another.
Over the years, however, we’ve graduated from believing children should be ‘seen and not heard’ to understanding that they’re growing people with their own personalities and opinions.
The way we discipline kids has evolved too, with it now being illegal to smack children in Scotland and Wales (in England, ‘reasonable’ physical punishment from a parent is permitted) and shows like Supernanny showing us a more reasoned way to deal with naughty behaviour.
Gentle parenting is a technique that’s become popular recently, thanks to parenting bloggers and TikTokers sharing how they incorporate it into their families’ lives.
You may have seen their videos, showing what looks from the outside like a no-boundaries approach, with children not being punished but instead spoken to about the impact of their actions and asked how they’d like to proceed.
It seems chaotic at first, but gentle parenting does in fact prioritise boundaries, and isn’t some new-age fad. Instead, it’s more about encouraging little ones to learn right and wrong through your own behaviour, treating them like an individual and an equal.
What is gentle parenting?
Sarah Ockwell-Smith, writer of The Gentle Parenting Book, says the method can be summed up with three words: ’empathy, understanding, and respect.’
The idea is to throw out phrases like ‘because I said so’ or ‘you’re being bad’ without explanation.
Statements suggesting the child themselves are flawed rather than a specific action are replaced with discussions about why the mistake happened, how it affected those around them, and suggestions to rectify it or do differently in future.
Sophie Pickles, official parenting coach and early years expert for Munchkin, tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Most parents think that gentle parenting means not setting rules or boundaries and letting your children “run wild” – but this isn’t the case at all.
‘This way of parenting focuses on positive communication with your child – explaining things to them clearly and teaching them to identify their emotions so they can handle different situations.
‘This creates children that are largely more independent, with better language and social skills, emotional regulation and higher levels of wellbeing.’
It doesn’t just come into play during misbehaviour or times when discipline is required. Gentle parenting is an overarching belief system that extends to all the ways you interact with your little one.
Let’s take the example of heading out the door in the morning. Where you may normally tell them ‘tie your shoes’, using a gentle parenting approach you’d ask ‘shall we tie your laces so you don’t trip over?’ This way the child is being incorporated into the decision and the reasoning behind that decision has been explained.
Yet, ‘the difficulty comes in putting it into practice,’ adds Sophie.
She continues: ‘As parents we are often short on time, in a rush, or dealing with our own emotions around a situation (feeling angry, tired or frustrated for example).’
‘Gentle parenting involves you being really mindful about how and what you say to your child, so as to become a positive role model to them. That’s not always easy when you’re feeling touched out, fed up, or tired at the end of a busy day – or during a toddler tantrum!’
It’s important not to get bogged down in being the ‘perfect’ mum or dad in every situation.
There may be a moment you raise your voice to alert them and stop them doing something dangerous, or when you need to remove yourselves from a quiet place when they’re making a scene.
But incorporating a variety of gentle parenting techniques – including ones you may already be doing but hadn’t labelled as such – should lessen the severity of these moments going forward, giving your child the tools to calmly raise issues knowing they won’t be blamed or punished.
How to incorporate gentle parenting into your life
Practicing gentle parenting doesn’t need to mean a drastic change in the way you live your life.
According to Sophie, these tips can make it part of your day-to-day routine, fostering a healthy set of boundaries while ensuring children are given space to flourish.
Model kindness
One of the tenets of gentle parenting is that you show children how to behave through action rather than demands (which they may not be able to fully understand).
This means being kind to yourself as well as others, and trying to avoid angry reactions.
Sophie says: ‘Name your feelings, both positive and negative, and encourage your child to do the same.
‘Take a step back from a situation that you recognise may trigger your own feelings of anger.’
Encourage independence
‘Involve your children in daily life skills and activities to encourage independence,’ says Sophie.
Even when they’re small, giving them age-appropriate tasks to do will foster a sense of self and teach that their actions can have consequences (whether these are negative or positive, they can see the effects of what they do).
Sophie continues: ;This could include helping to prepare the meal, or providing them with their own cutlery, like Munchkin’s gentle scoop spoons, to use independently at meal times.
‘Using products that mimic those that adults use can also foster a sense of independence. Instead of going for the usual sippy cups, consider one with a spoutless design to make them feel like they are drinking out of a real cup.’
Ask, don’t tell
Avoid demands when practicing gentle parenting.
Kids don’t always have the cognitive ability to understand why they’re being told to do something or to self-regulate their emotions if they’re unhappy with what’s being asked of them.
That’s why it’s a good idea to switch a command into a question, so they can feel included rather than dictated to.
Sophie says: ‘Rather than imposing your own decisions on your child, give them a choice to make: “Are you going to put on your hat or coat first?”‘
Opening the conversation also allows them to tell or show you why they may be resistant to something.
Are they throwing their food on the floor because they don’t like it? Is it because they’re full up and no longer want to be at the table? Are they wanting to play, which is why they’re playing with their food?
Overall, it’s about understanding that no child is inherently bad – and that ‘bad’ behaviour comes as a result of attention-seeking, acting out to show negative feelings, or trying to communicate a need.
Once you’ve come to this conclusion, you should find yourself less inclined to assign fault to your little one after a mistake.
Not only will this make them feel freer to express themselves and more content as a person, it’ll also take conflict out of your everyday, making for a more harmonious way to childrear.
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