One of the biggest sources of shame, for me, is not having a best friend.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m no Billy No Mates.
I’ve got pals. In fact, I’ve got lots of best pals. But I don’t have that one person who I’d say I liked above the rest.
Am I missing out? I don’t know.
I’ve had best friends. I had them at prep school and I sort of had them during high school but they were a part of a large group of friends.
There were about 12 of us at school in this group and I became very close to one girl in particular who I’d hang out with all the time.
Even during first year, I’d go and visit her at university and we’d ring each other. I’m quite awful at staying in contact with people but if I had any news or felt like I needed a chat, I’d always get in touch.
The problem was that she went to uni with a couple of other people from our group and inevitably got closer to them. As time went on, it became obvious that – naturally – I’d been replaced.
Even when we were at school, my biggest fear was that she’d become better mates with other people, and that sort of group friendship hierarchy can be incredibly stressful.
It’s normal to find yourself growing closer to certain people when you’re in a crowd of that many girls but when you’re young, these friendships are very fluid.
Best mates are a bit like boyfriends – you need some reassurance that they aren’t going to go off and shack up with someone better (I’m not needy and insecure, I swear).
I sort felt constantly on edge that she’d was starting to like other people more. And eventually (13 years later), she did permanently sack me off. So I don’t think I was too far off the mark.
Anyway, these days I’ve got about six or seven best mates – but not one who features above the rest.
And throughout university, I always thought that it kind of mature, SATC-esque, to have a group of friends rather than one gal pal to confide in.
Bessie mates are for primarily school kids who wear matching heart necklaces and read Pony Club Secrets books.
These days, I spend much of my working day on my uni group chat, putting my problems to the girls and getting four opinions back. It’s great – if you disagree with one of them, someone else in the group probably will too.
I can generally always persuade one of them to come for a drink. They’re all great gossips. And I love them all equally.
Some of them are like me – having a group rather than a Chosen One, but most of them actually have a best mate. So I’m best mates with people who have a better mate than me. Which is odd.
In more recent times, however, not having that one best friend has become more of a source of angst. And I’m not alone.
‘I haven’t had one definitive best friend in years, and for a long time that made me absolutely miserable,’ says Ellen.
‘I’ve always wanted that female friend who I constantly texted, told everything, and could proudly describe as my best mate. But honestly, one bad best friendship break-up has made me a massive coward when it comes to forming lasting friendships, and I haven’t found that one friendship soulmate who I rely on for absolutely everything.
‘Instead I’m part of a trio, of two friends that I’m close and entirely honest with and who I love. I do sometimes still feel lacking that I don’t have a traditional best friend – like Blair and Serena, or Hannah and Marnie – but I think a lot of that is down to social pressure. The same way we’re meant to have one partner that fulfils everything, women have pressure to have that one best friend. Not having that occasionally makes me feel like a bit of a failure.’
Recently my boyfriend asked me who my best mate was after talking about his own best pal, and I said I didn’t have one.
‘Well…who would be the first person you’d ring with important news?’ he asked. He seemed surprised – of course everyone has someone they like the best. Right?
The thing is, I tell my group everything…and I tell my best friends who aren’t in the group everything. There’s no ranking of information sharing.
But if push came to shove and I HAD to ring one mate, it’d probably be my old housemate from uni.
Does that make him my best friend? He’s certainly one of them but he’s got other best friends.
SEE HOW CONFUSING IT CAN BE? CAN YOU BE EXCLUSIVE BEST FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE WHO’S GOT OTHER BEST FRIENDS?
Admitting to not having a best friend can be strangely embarrassing. It’s made me feel like I don’t connect properly with people, that maybe I’m a bit emotionally stunted.
And if I can’t find someone who likes me more than others, then what hope do I have of finding a partner to do the same?
I haven’t got an obvious candidate for a maid of honour if I ever get married (although I do have a sister.).
I haven’t got an obvious choice for going on intimate friendship weekends away.
Saying that, however, I’m not sure what else I’m missing out on.
The shame of not having a best mate is more to do with other people rather than my own lack of support or friendship.
Surely having a group of best mates is better than one?
This article is part of our Friendship Week – a week-long exploration of the ins and outs of modern friendship.
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