Love bombing is an emotional manipulation technique that involves giving someone excessive compliments, attention, or affection to eventually control them. You may not be able to spot love bombing until you’re in the midst of it because it may feel like being swept off your feet at the start of a new relationship. Love bombing often points to the beginning of an unhealthy, toxic, or abusive relationship. When you know what to look for, it could help identify if you or a loved one is being pushed into an unhealthy relationship.
Your new relationship may unfold like a fairy tale in the beginning. It may be full of compliments, affection, and promises of a future together. The other person may communicate with you excessively or want to be with you all the time. (That doesn’t necessarily mean you’re getting love-bombed, though.)
Over time, things will change. Your partner may become controlling, distant, cold, or even mean. You may wonder if their feelings were genuine. It’s common to feel distress over the change in behavior. This can lead to psychological problems or physical harm.
Family members and friends can love-bomb you too. It’s not just related to romantic relationships.
Keep reading to find out how to spot love bombing, and learn what to do if you think you’re being love-bombed.
What Is Love Bombing?
Love bombing often involves using grand gestures to gain control over someone else. Your partner uses this stage – often at the beginning of the relationship – to knock down your defenses and find ways to control you.
Not all people who love-bomb do it to be intentionally harmful, though the end result can be unhealthy.
Why Do Some People Love-Bomb Others?
Those who love-bomb their potential partners often have traits of narcissism.
People with narcissistic traits:
- Are preoccupied with their own wants and needs
- Act superior to others
- Have a tendency to be impatient with people if they think the situation isn’t important
- Manipulate and gaslight (making others doubt themselves) to get what they want
Along with narcissistic traits, people who love-bomb often have an anxious or insecure attachment style. They may have a hard time trusting others, which is why they feel the need to manipulate the relationship. Some people who love-bomb have learned this behavior from their parents, or they may have had childhood trauma that leads to this behavior.
Love-Bombing Signs
If you're being love-bombed, the signs might be more noticeable to others than they are to you. That's because, at this stage, you feel special, understood, and seen by your partner.
Meanwhile, friends and family may worry that your new love interest is moving too fast or acting obsessively. Love bombing examples might look like this:
- Your partner seems too good to be true. They may tell you they’ve been waiting for you their whole life, that you’re their soulmate, or that they’re in love with you a short time after you first meet.
- Your partner seems to share all of your interests or seems to agree with all of your opinions.
- Your partner wants to stay in constant communication with you.
- Your partner may become irrationally jealous when you want to spend time with others, including family.
- Your partner might make grand gestures or buy you inappropriately expensive gifts early in the relationship.
A hidden sign of love bombing includes devaluation. This is when your love-bombing partner settles into a relationship with you and may become bored, irritated, and moody. They might insult you, belittle you, or even physically abuse you. If this happens, you might try to leave. At this point, your partner may turn on the charm, beginning the love-bombing phase again to win you back.
Am I love-bombing?
If you’re love-bombing, you may:
- Start relationships with nonstop compliments.
- Give the other person gifts often.
- Check in frequently with your partner to see where they are or what they’re doing.
- Have the urge to define the relationship quickly, or persuade the other person to be in an exclusive relationship.
- Question your partner if they say no to something, or imply the other person is wrong if they won’t do what you want.
- Become jealous or angry when your partner spends time with others.
- Prefer to spend time alone with your partner instead of with each other’s family or friends.
- Exhibit narcissistic tendencies, such as feeling entitled, needing to feel in power, and lacking empathy.
Love-Bombing Stages
The act of love-bombing another person often occurs in three stages: idealization, devaluation, and discard.
Idealization
You may be bombarded with gifts, compliments, and affection to “hook” you into letting your guard down. You may feel so happy that you don’t see the potential for being manipulated.
Devaluation
In this stage, you feel comfortable in the relationship but soon notice red flags. Your partner may put demands on your time or get angry if you spend time with others. This is when gaslighting can start – when your partner may try to convince you nothing is wrong with their behavior. They may make you question yourself if you go against their behavior or tell you that how you feel is all in your head.
Discard
During this stage of love bombing, you may confront your partner about their harmful behavior. You may try to establish healthy boundaries. Your partner will try to avoid accountability, refuse to compromise, or break up with you. This may not be the end, though, because the other person may come back and try to restart the relationship, which begins the cycle all over again.
Love-Bombing Examples
Though not all affection and compliments mean you’re being love-bombed, knowing what it looks like may help you tell if your relationship has the potential to be toxic.
Love bombing can start with relentless communication. While it’s normal to want to connect with a new potential partner, a person who love-bombs may become extremely clingy early on. This person may call or text you to hang out a lot and insist on it even if you’re busy. They may invite themselves over, interrupting your plans, or make you feel guilty if you can’t spend time together.
The person who love-bombs may need ongoing reassurance that you’re interested in them. Some even put themselves down just so you’ll swoop in with encouragement. They may get upset if you don’t respond to them quickly, or constantly ask you to repeat how you feel about them.
In addition to giving you many gifts and compliments, the person love-bombing you may share personal details too quickly, or push you to share information about your past. They may seem overly interested in your family, career, or hobbies. Anything that pushes you past your comfort level can be a sign that your new romantic interest is love-bombing you.
Is Love Bombing a Type of Abuse?
Emotional abuse can make you feel humiliated, insulted, scared, and may cause you to doubt your perception of events. If your partner intends to make you feel this way, this is abuse. Take a look at the differences between showing love and using love bombing to gain control:
Showing love. Some people are more open and expressive with their affection than others. If your partner gives you gifts, wants to spend time together, or gives you compliments, those actions might simply be how they show they care. They’re not red flags because they’re not meant to control you.
Being abusive. The line between honest expressions of love and love bombing isn’t always clear. Love bombing is ultimately about control, so the other person may demand more of your time, affection, and loyalty early on in the relationship. They may call you their soulmate, get jealous or angry when you spend time with others, or say they know you better than you do.
What Does It Mean to Be Caught in the Love-Bombing Cycle?
If you’re caught in a relationship that displays such cycles of abuse, it may be difficult to get out. Maybe you see your partner’s true colors after the love-bombing stage is over. But just when you pack up to leave, your partner begins apologizing, flattering you, and saying how perfect you are for them again. In short, they’re beginning the cycle all over again.
If you choose to forgive them and stay with this partner, you may be caught in the love-bombing cycle. All relationships have their ups and downs, and most healthy couples argue. But emotional manipulation is largely different. Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and love. Love bombing – and the cycle that usually follows it – isn’t love.
How to Heal From Love Bombing
It might be painful to notice signs of manipulative or abusive behavior in your partner. You have three choices in this situation:
Stay together. Staying with someone who relies on manipulation more than honest communication is a tough option. If you choose to do nothing, the cycle of love bombing – devaluing you, and trying to win you back if you threaten to leave – will likely continue.
Break up. Only you can decide whether it’s in your best interest to leave a relationship. Talk to a close friend, a trusted family member, or a counselor who has experience working with love bombing in relationships. Experts don’t recommend attending relationship counseling with your partner if they’re emotionally abusive.
Set a boundary. It’s possible that your partner uses toxic communication tactics because they were raised in an environment where love bombing or lack of healthy boundaries was common. Don’t let your partner use a difficult childhood as an excuse to engage in toxic behavior. Demand that they stop this behavior and encourage them to get help if needed.
Communicate clearly how you feel and use sentences that begin with “I” to lessen the chances that the conversation will turn into an argument. Let your partner know that you simply won’t tolerate the love-bombing cycle, and be prepared to leave the conversation, the room, or the relationship if they violate a boundary that you set.
Love bombing is a sign of a more serious problem in a relationship. Does your partner’s treatment of you follow this pattern? If so, you should consider whether this relationship is making your life better. It may be time to move on to a healthier, more fulfilling relationship where both partners are able to communicate without resorting to manipulation.
How to Deal With Love Bombing
If you suspect that your romantic interest is love-bombing you, take time to assess the situation. You may want to ask yourself:
- How can I set boundaries with the other person? Has the other person ignored any boundaries I’ve already set?
- How has this relationship changed my life for the better or worse?
- Do you feel like the person is bombarding you to manipulate you now or in the future?
- What are your expectations for the relationship?
- Do you think you’re better off if you end the partnership?
- How do you think the other person will react if you break it off?
- Do you feel like you’re in any potential danger from the other person?
Talk to an objective person about the matter to see what they think. Sometimes, that can help you gain perspective on where you are and how to proceed.
Takeaways
Love bombing is a manipulation tactic when a partner or potential partner floods you with compliments or gifts, is focused on getting to know everything about you very quickly, spends all their time with you, and demands you all to themselves. This intensity can be used to control or manipulate you in the future, which is why it’s important to be aware of red flags early on in the relationship. This way, you can get out before it becomes harmful or dangerous.
Love Bombing FAQs
How do you know if it's love bombing?
An over-the-top dating period doesn’t mean you’re being love-bombed; it’s about what happens after that. If the other person is manipulating you, that’s a sign of being love-bombed. If you discuss your boundaries and the other person insists you’re making it all up (gaslighting) or refuses to change, it’s a good idea to re-examine the relationship.
What is narcissistic love bombing?
This refers to the type of behavior linked to love bombing. Many people who love-bomb have traits of narcissism. This includes acting superior to or gaslighting others.
How long does love bombing usually last?
Usually, the other person will bombard you with affection, compliments, and gifts early on in the relationship before they begin to manipulate you. Love bombing often occurs after you’re comfortably settled into a relationship.
What should you do if someone is love-bombing you?
You can talk to a trusted friend or try to set boundaries. Only you can say what you’re comfortable with in a relationship. If you think you’re experiencing love bombing, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, TTY 800-787-3224, or chat online at www.thehotline.org.
What are the three stages of love bombing?
Idealization is when you may feel swept off your feet. Devaluation is when your partner starts to demand your time or gets jealous when you spend time with others. In the third stage, called the discard stage, you may try to establish boundaries or address the situation, but the other person may break it off with you (and then maybe try to get back together, starting the cycle again).
How can you tell the difference between love bombing and real affection?
With real affection, there’s no manipulation. If you think that you’re in a potential love-bombing situation or want to know if the other person’s feelings come from a caring (and not manipulative) space, take things slowly. Watch how much time you spend together, and how much information you give the other person. If they start to push for more, or outwardly break your boundaries, that may be a red flag.
What does subtle love bombing look like?
Love bombing at any level is manipulation. Even if the actions aren’t so over the top in the start, it can turn into a controlling partnership. If the beginning of the relationship is marked by any sort of excessive affection and attention to ultimately control you later on, that’s considered love bombing.
How is love bombing a red flag?
Love bombing is a red flag that you’re going to be in a controlling or unhealthy relationship, which can become mentally or even physically abusive.
