EastEnders: say hello to Bert and Ernie

“Keep your legs closed. Put some tights on, or something.” And lo, a soap baby was born. Two, in fact. Kat’s labour was no Call The Midwife blubfest, but it progressed as it should: with Alfie shouting useless advice at her. Fresh from an afternoon hanging out at Mother’s World in the hope of blagging free baby gear if her waters broke, Kat eventually went into labour and one loud, screeching birth scene later she and Alfie were proud parents to the ridiculo-named twins Bert and Ernie.

Of course, Kat and Alfie’s happy event was upstaged by the goings-on back in Albert Square, where the Carter family were becoming embroiled in Ian’s weirdness. Busy juggling two unlikely bromances with Phil and Mick, Ian was lucky to have the support of the hardnuts in his hour of need. Few things are more terrifying than being hassled by Hazel from Footballers’ Wives to front a public appeal to catch your daughter’s killer, so it’s no wonder Ian was shaken up. If a camera in his face didn’t make him look even more guilty, what could? Maybe the way he was rubbing his hands together with glee because Patrick, who knows he was with the infamous Rainie Cross on the night Lucy died, has lost the ability to speak after a stroke? Or the surreal Skype conversation trying to persuade Kim to take Patrick away on her cruise ship? There she was, all dolled up and warbling Dream Girls, while Ian’s desperation leaked from every pore.

Ian’s real problem isn’t looking like a murderer, but being one of a long line of men who’ve sampled Rainie’s wares. Sweet Rainie, with your denim miniskirt of doom and ability to get any man in Walford to finance your drug habit, you’re truly a heroine of the modern EastEnders era. An era, incidentally, that belongs to the Carters whose patriarch, Mick, was arrested for kerb crawling. “I have never seen this bird before in my life,” he protested in full Danny Dyer mode, while being led away in cuffs. Linda’s pride was dented by the incident, but when a sozzled Cora announced to the whole Vic what he’d been up to, she crumbled. “I suppose if you’re not getting the full valet at home…” mused Stan, before being told, quite rightly, to shaht ’is mahff. Thank heavens for Phil, who took Rainie into a shed and paid her off. But the real hero of the hour was Dean, who pulled in the punters when the scandal left the pub deserted. Taking a break from threatening his clients with the dreaded Hoxton Fin like it’s the year 2000, he strutted in, ordered “a couple of bottles of vino blanco, please” and stuck some Paloma Faith on the jukebox, before trying to kiss Linda. Smooth.

“This place never changes,” chirped Coronation Street’s Ken Barlow, back on the cobbles after a hastily explained trip to Canada, only to return dressed like a budget Bryan Ferry bearing the gift of maple syrup. As always, Ken’s right. Nothing’s changed, unless you count Peter being on remand for Tina’s murder, Nick lurking on the Red Rec after faking a seizure, and Roy taking his first selfie. In more disturbing news, Gail’s having a bunk-up with Les Dennis, a burglar in a Mr Softee van.

Ken was keen to make up for lost time, and what better way than to take Deirdre on a romantic holiday. His wife likes her holiday locations like she likes her men: a whole lot more exotic than Ken. “What I want is somewhere hot, with a beach, where they don’t kidnap English people,” she said, with a faraway glint in her eye. “Now Google that in, Ken.” How about Morocco? Out of the question, in case it stirred up any feelings about Deirdre’s sadly departed toyboy Samir. “It’s years since he died, but to this day Ken still won’t eat couscous and he won’t have dates in the house over Christmas,” lamented Deirdre to Rob, who’s only interested in getting shot of the Barlows in case they ask any tricky questions about where he was on the night Tina died. Finally, it was settled: a caravan holiday in north Wales. “There’s a launderette nearby,” enthused Ken, unsuccessfully.

Deirdre wasn’t the only one with a love interest coming off the back burner this month, as Liz’s ex-husband Jim made a surprise return. It’s an event that cannot legally be referred to without the use of his many catchphrases: “Jim’s back. SO HE IS.” But he’s not just plain old Jim these days: he’s The Landlord, a shadowy figure who inhabits the same Big House as Peter and peddles booze in return for custard creams.

There were some sad goodbyes in Emmerdale. Bent cop Donna, innocent of face but handy of gun, met a violent end jumping off a multistorey car park with gangster Gary in tow, knowing that she didn’t have long to live. Bernice kissed goodbye to her romance with Andy in the only way she could – by pouring carbonara over Katie’s perfectly coiffed head. And Kerry waved farewell to her dreams of the perfect wedding by being exposed as a bigamist while dressed in a Katie Price-inspired gown. Sometimes there aren’t enough tissues in the world, are there?