Ahhh! You scared me!
Recently, I wrote something about Raggedy Ann dolls and how they creep me the #$!#! out, so now some wit has sent me a postcard with a doll image on the front and “Boo!” scribbled on the back. It was pretty scary and all, but after consulting with some experts, I’ve concluded that the hideous creature pictured on the postcard isn’t Raggedy Ann but a Cabbage Patch doll. Are Cabbage Patch dolls scary, too? I can’t quite decide. I’m going to need some more experts before I release my findings on this important matter.

Batteries not included
Got a Facebook message this week from a lady who wants to tell me all about the wormhole generator she invented. A traversable wormhole generator, to be exact. We’re talking something that will create an ability to time-travel, levitate, you name it. There was also some talk about creating energy from a pyramid and that’s when my ears perked up. The ability to travel through time or float across downtown Lewiston would be cool and all, but if I can cut my electricity bill in half, I’m going to get really excited.

The latest in underwear news
Gentlemen. If you have not yet discovered the joy and comfort of extra-long underpants, you need to grab some money from your wife’s purse and get some. The extra-long underpant, a cool blend of polyester and spandex, is like a warm embrace down there all day long and God knows we all need that in these trying times. These things are so fantastic, it seems vulgar to force them to share the same name as lowly, ordinary underpants. Henceforth, I shall dub this magnificent garment the “underpantaloon” and I expect you to do the same.

Weird Tree Thing revisited
I just can’t tell you how deflated I was or how morose I became after police ordered the Weird Tree Thing taken down last week just hours after I had written a dramatic account of discovering the exotic item for the first time. I had great expectations for that Bundle of Mystery, you know, up to and including guided tours of the eerie woods behind McGraw Park, autograph sessions and a souvenir booth where miniature replicas of the Weird Tree Thing would be sold by the thousands. Why, I was even thinking about getting a Weird Tree Thing tattoo to mark the occasion and I was going to market a collection of Weird Tree Thing costumes for the kiddies. Now what do I have? Just a bundle of leaves, bro, and no mystery at all. I tell you, my Halloween season is shot unless something crazy shows up in the canal or something to lift me out of this gloom.