Talk of the Town Ernie Anderson

It’s like my mother is writing me

So, there’s this guy who writes me regularly to comment on stories and columns I’ve penned in recent weeks. I got such a letter Friday wherein my pen pal got busy chiding me for various things, including the state of my marriage: “You have not mentioned your other half lately. Are you divorced again???” And the fact that I always seem to be on vacation: “I am retired and I don’t take as many vacations as you do. Maybe you have more money than me to blow…” The fellow also commented on chronicles of my cat’s recent digestive problems by saying: “Right up front, I do not like cats.” By the time I’m done reading his letters, I feel pretty worked over and deeply ashamed of myself.

My credit card just melted

So, some fool introduced me to the shopping website Ali Express. Thanks, fool. I ordered so much cheap camping equipment, I’m pretty sure I can now hike the entire length of the Appalachian Trail on a budget of about 30 bucks. I probably won’t make it far before all the equipment fails, but by golly, I’ll look good for that mile-and-a-half.

Don’t leaf me, bro!

I was riding my motorcycle down Park Street in Lewiston the other day when I noted, with horror, that leaves were falling off a tree there at an alarming rate. For a solid minute or more, I was convinced that some vicious tree plague was upon us and I was about to contact the proper authorities. Then I remembered, with rue, that it’s nearly autumn and that the slow death of vegetation is something that we are supposed to celebrate this time of year. Look at the pretty colors, weeee! So, you can plainly see that I’m not adjusting well to the end of summer.

The only time you’ll ever see me dance

But mind you, there ARE signs that summer is still with us. I was riding in shorts the other day, for instance, when some fuzzy, stingered creature decided to land on my bare leg. He just hung out th

ere like he owned the place. I did the old leg shake to give the bee the heave-ho, but that just caused the critter to slide down into my shoe. I then went into a full convulsive state in order to send that bee on his way and all I got for my pains was the flesh of my leg burned on the hot engine. It was painful and embarrassing and I’d be willing to go through the same thing every single day if it would just stay summer.