Desi Stockholm Syndrome

A Study of the Ingrained and Coercive Generational Stockholm Syndrome in South Asian Society

Mahnoor Fatima

2015-ARCH-03
Desi Stockholm Syndrome – A Study of the Ingrained and Coercive Generational Stockholm Syndrome in South Asian Society

Abstract

This paper discusses abusive tendencies in South Asian families and the manifestation of

those tendencies into a culture of victim blaming and trauma bonding, which results from the

unjust power dynamics and the patriarchal structure that reigns this region. I will explore how

normalized abusive behaviors are and how the ingrained system of belief that this society follows

only furthers this instead of condoning the violence and expressing sympathy for the oppressed.

Stockholm syndrome is a term that is famously known due to the seeming irrationality of its

existence, the romanticizing of the term in old and modern literature and media has also

strengthened the syndrome’s belongingness to this community, whereas in reality there is

nothing to be romanticized about in this situation. It leads to devastating health problems,

mental instability and long term relationship issues, and in societies such as ours, it is a

dishonorable thing if anyone attempts to address the issue to help out a family in need. By

analyzing the issue through a personal, historical, general lens and also through its depiction in

the media, I will attempt to analyze this situation and link it to other problems that women face.

Once a problem as widespread as this can be diagnosed, I believe that it can be treated and

society can evolve to a better understanding of each other and can objectively evaluate their own

behavior patterns to change for the better.

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Desi Stockholm Syndrome – A Study of the Ingrained and Coercive Generational Stockholm Syndrome in South Asian Society

Stockholm Syndrome

Stockholm syndrome1 is a sort of trauma bonding where a captive develops feelings of

sympathy, love and understanding for their captor. It was named after an incident in Stockholm

where hostages held by bank robbers developed soft feelings for them and refused to testify

against them in court for their crime. This paradoxical bond has been found among prisoners of

war and has been even discovered in people kept inside concentration camps. While it baffles

the mind, there is a simple reason behind this happening – our minds are not built to cater to

stress for too long. The brain needs to feel normal for it to work productively, so it rewires itself

to believe that things are not as bad as they seem. It lightens the seriousness of the scenario for

its own survival, and so the captive is then led to think of their captor as their friend, protector,

lover, etc. whichever definition fits the bill.

This syndrome also leads many women to choose their captor over other people, they

derive comfort from the fact that the men holding them hostage are in fact giving them attention,

and that they do care for them somewhere on the inside. This is a common mistake that many

people make when they are put in a situation where feelings are involved – so it is not surprise

that this is a more common occurrence than we would like to believe.

Stockholm syndrome does not develop only when a person is kidnapped or deliberately

held hostage – it is also developed in families. Children develop stronger feelings of trust for

abusive parents, while they are afraid of triggering the abuse, they are also told to believe that

1
https://medium.com/psychology-self-healing/stockholm-syndrome-and-trauma-bonding-in-narcissistic-
relationships-9b0de7ec7f36

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Desi Stockholm Syndrome – A Study of the Ingrained and Coercive Generational Stockholm Syndrome in South Asian Society

parents could only ever be sincere for their children. Comparing their mixed feelings with other

children who come from healthy parents, these minors drill themselves to believe how their

parents could only want what is best for them, despite the physical evidence. They develop

empathy, and begin to make excuses for their treatment, like pitying their parents for something

they had to suffer from in the past instead of understanding that their parents are responsible

for their actions and that projecting their issues onto their children is not the acceptable thing to

do.

Spouses develop this syndrome, especially when in relationship with a narcissist.

Narcissists treat relationships much in the same way as a captor treats their captive – as an object

of property and not as a separate human being worthy of being treated equally. With an inflated

sense of ego and self-esteem, narcissists believe they are superior to those around them, and

demand to be treated with the kind of authoritarian respect that we find in national leadership

roles. Often, many narcissists develop habits where they can defer the blame onto their spouse

or their children, without any consideration of the feelings of the other people involved.

All too often women believe it is a sign of commitment, an expression of love, to

endure unkindness or cruelty, to forgive and forget. In actuality, when we love rightly
we know that the healthy, loving response to cruelty and abuse is putting ourselves
out of harm's way.

— Bell Hooks

They not only trap people into a cycle of emotional blackmail and extreme dependency,

they also project their insecurities in ways whereupon the victim believes they deserve whatever

treatment is meted out to them by this controlling being. The victims know that if they do not

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Desi Stockholm Syndrome – A Study of the Ingrained and Coercive Generational Stockholm Syndrome in South Asian Society

compromise with the narcissist, they will be the ones to suffer, and with a very expertise level of

manipulation, they believe they deserve to suffer.

This might sound like a horror film where a woman has been subjected to the whims of a

mental patient and is therefore unable to leave, but this situation is more common than we are

led to believe. When one person is given the kind of absolute power where they believe they are

not answerable for their actions to the people affected by those actions, whoever those people

might be, that is where this narcissism stems from. Narcissism has many different reasons to

exist, but the one I want to discuss is the one most common in our society, and how this has led

many generations of women to develop a sort of coerced Stockholm syndrome where they have

forgotten to be treated as a humane individual with a rational voice of their own.

The Coerced Stockholm Syndrome/ Log Kya Kahenge?

Our society is built with the constant worry of public perception and judgement of our

actions and thoughts. This leads to the want of a life where there is no moment of gossip made

available to anyone who might be watching. The suppression of desire, of passion, is a normal

occurrence, yet an abnormal quality of the human brain. Once the brain is manipulated, there is

no normal left in it to grow. The brain then lives on survival mode, and works to create ideas

which make situations and circumstances more comfortable for the person victimized.

Unfortunately, and many will disagree with the statistics that are available for everyone

to study, women fall more to the victim trap instead of claiming their position as the oppressor.

They learn to live with their men and slowly adapt to their habits and ideas, believing what their

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Desi Stockholm Syndrome – A Study of the Ingrained and Coercive Generational Stockholm Syndrome in South Asian Society

menfolk believe, even going so far as to indulging their menfolk at the expense of their own

physical and mental health. All of this, they do out of a sense of duty which they then believe is

love, and claim to understand the underlying problems of the very menfolk who lash out on them

when they find things inconvenient. These women believe themselves to be in the morally

superior position of ‘fixing’ these men out of a deeper comprehension of their actions, whereas

the reality is far different. They learn to revolve their lives around their men, and slowly forget

themselves in the process, relying on the male spouse to satiate all their needs and clinging onto

the few memories where these women have been unconditionally happy with those men. These

few memories are their claim to the love they believe they have of their men, whereas in an

advanced society where humans have crossed many schools of thought and have scientifically

evolved as never before, the understanding that love and abuse cannot coexist must be an

inherent right known to every individual.

Religion and culture both propagate the right of the patriarch in this system, and both

seek to demonize women when they stand out and demand to speak. To cater to the system,

women have been constantly told to submit and obey no matter the conditions – so that she can

slowly build herself a good family and avoid the nuisance of a social scandal. This generational

submission hardens with each generation, until many women believe they must be abused so as

to go through the endearing emotion of love. It becomes so deeply embedded that when a

woman does shake herself out of her delirium, she finds herself alone and without a supporter.

What happens is very much the opposite – she is reminded of her lowly intellect, her status and

how the men in her family have the right to beat her up if she does gather enough courage to

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Desi Stockholm Syndrome – A Study of the Ingrained and Coercive Generational Stockholm Syndrome in South Asian Society

rebel. Quoting religious scriptures and using emotional blackmail through cultural family

dynamics is a very serious blow to one’s mental health, and in more than one case women have

succumbed to the pressure and forced themselves to learn to love whatever is thrown her way.

“The ultimate goal of emotional abuse is to control someone through fear or intimidation”2

The Help of the Media

The media constantly shows movies and dramas where the plot centers around a woman

helpless in front of a controlling, dominant male figure. In the movie Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham,

Yash Raichand continuously plays with elements to showcase his male power. He puts Nandini

down and uses his authority to silence her, he dances with young females in her presence, and

then when he gives her a little time, her character oozes with gratefulness at the attention. She

loves him and raises his family – and even at the cost of not being allowed a loud enough voice

of her own she goes on living as amicably as she can. She does not have the choice of keeping

her son at home, but still builds her family and is looked upon as a good sort of woman.

These “good sort of women” have destroyed many women. While Nandini had the money

to travel with her husband and return to her mansion, most desi women do not have that leisure.

They must only submit to their man, without the greed of material possessions being used to

bribe them into staying. They have to make do with what they have, and many are proud of

letting go of all their aspirations to promote their husbands – because they believe they are not

deserving of those same accomplishments.

2
https://network.crcna.org/blog/emotional-abuse-crushing-human-spirit

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Desi Stockholm Syndrome – A Study of the Ingrained and Coercive Generational Stockholm Syndrome in South Asian Society

In the drama “Dil Lagi”, Mehwish Hayat is shown to be a strong woman who happens to

be at the mercy of Humayun Saeed’s character. Humayun Saeed is a landlord of some type and

inflicts fear in his circles, and he forcefully marries Mehwish Hayat and brings her to his own

home. Mehwish Hayat learns about his family and she slowly comes to love his character despite

the clash between the two having strong personalities of their own. She must back down when

there is a conflict.

Many romanticize the kind of relationship I have described above, but in face what

happened to Mehwish Hayat was not an actual feeling of love. She was forced into a situation

where she found no way out, and so her brain developed tactics to make the situation bearable.

She believed she loved him so she would not go insane at the thought of being there without her

consent.

Dramas like these also propagate the stereotype of men chasing women even when the

women have turned them down – being told ‘no’ is not an invitation. Unfortunately, the media

only encourages men to go along with their feelings without any regard of what the receiver feels

about them. The women, in many cases, are also then pressurized by their families into accepting

proposals that they do not want to, simply because nobody lets the woman believe she has a

chance of her own. Her brain is running on survival mode for most of her decision-making life.

She must learn to live, or suffer. There is never a third option.

The famous drama “Dur e Shehwar” also shows a woman who is unhappy in her marriage

and so complains to her parents about it. Her father advises her to stay put, and while she then

takes the problem to her mother, she is only told that her mother went through the same thing.

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Desi Stockholm Syndrome – A Study of the Ingrained and Coercive Generational Stockholm Syndrome in South Asian Society

The marriage only worked out because her mother stayed and submitted to her father’s will and

happiness, sacrificing her own self in the process. The sad reality is that these dramas are based

on true events, and these events we see around us every day. Forcing a woman to stay in a

marriage and hoping she figures out how to make it work despite being treated like a lowly being,

this whole idea is abnormal and needs to be changed.

The recent Polish movie “365 dni” also took the world by storm, and seemed to be very

relatable to many south Asian women as they could see patterns they had experienced

themselves in their relationships. The story revolves around a mafia leader who kidnaps a woman

and forces her to fall in love with him in 365 days – this looks like a dramatic take on many

marriages that take place in society. Women are forced to marry and then decide to love their

partner as they have no other place to go. There is no way out but to accept what life has in store

for them.

The movie “Bol” is a good case study to speak about in this context. The man of the house

believes himself to be justified in whatever behavior he exhibits to his family, and his wife

generally believed herself deserving of whatever treatment was given to her, be it mental,

physical or sexual. It is through her oldest daughter’s strong stance that she comes out of her

absurd reverie and tries to protect her daughters from too much abuse. Instead of fighting back,

she grows accustomed to producing children for him and letting him treat her like an object, but

the voice of Humaima Malik in the film is the voice of reason that many households lack. It is her

character that eventually takes the fall for the betterment of the family, and the movie ends with

the image of a prosperous family finally doing something that makes them happy instead of just

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Desi Stockholm Syndrome – A Study of the Ingrained and Coercive Generational Stockholm Syndrome in South Asian Society

surviving. That family is one example of the majority of the cases in this country, with the father

in a Stockholm syndrome situation with his religious and patriarchal duties.

The idea of this paper is to make the reader understand how our relationships are based

on a conditional, coerced, desperate mode of survival instead of being built in a genuine,

trustworthy custom. These movies have been instrumental pieces of art in exhibiting these

deeply set habits, and the kinds of long term effects they have. Even if in dramas this mode of

thinking is shown subconsciously by only depicting domestic circumstances, it is more visible and

susceptible to common understanding by being put out in such a manner.

Whether people understand and apply it to their own conditions, though, is an entirely

different question.

Normalized Abuse

In a survey conducted in 2016, 423 percent of women of Pakistan believed that physical

abuse was justified if the male authority was not obeyed. This is how dire the situation is.

Aggression is equated to a sense of protectiveness and not to an unevolved emotional frame of

mind.

3
https://data.worldbank.org/indicator/SG.VAW.REAS.ZS

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Desi Stockholm Syndrome – A Study of the Ingrained and Coercive Generational Stockholm Syndrome in South Asian Society

This is so due to the victim helping their own state and alleviating their suffering as they

live through the situation. There is proof to support the ingrained Stockholm syndrome – the

numbers of domestic violence are far higher than the numbers of divorce initiated by women.

Even in divorce, the cases in court of a man asking for divorce are as much as six times4 higher

than the number of cases for a woman asking for divorce.

Figure 1 Men and women on whether women should be beaten

In countries like Pakistan, where an extreme form of patriarchal religion is the norm,

religious sayings are used in contexts where women can be brought to serve their male

counterparts and are told they will otherwise suffer eternally, in this world and the next. What

people are not willing to believe, however, is that there is no suffering involved if a woman

decides to exercise her willpower. That is her right as a human being. There is nothing

4
https://nation.com.pk/03-Mar-2020/the-other-side-of-divorce
Image from https://medium.com/spark-the-median/we-do-not-know-enough-about-how-covid-19-affects-
women-that-is-dangerous-61b3b95a375a

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Desi Stockholm Syndrome – A Study of the Ingrained and Coercive Generational Stockholm Syndrome in South Asian Society

controversial in the idea of her not adopting the coercive Stockholm system that is forced down

her throat from the moment she starts to walk around and handles a dupatta. Unfortunately,

beating someone is seen as an effective form of control, and while there are many who speak

out against it, there more who believe it is a just form of punishment according to their own

personal rules set in their houses. This abuse is not limited to women, it also includes transgender

people, who end up in deep depression due to their overall treatment, with mental issues

surrounding the likes of self loathing and the frequent wish to die. It is said that a suicide does

not mean there was no murderer involved.

Religious Concerns

I do not profess to be against any form of religion, however, when religion is used in its

cruder form to rid a human being of their rights, there must be solutions to tackle the problem.

Many people use religion to make sure women are coerced into believing they deserve the

treatment they receive, something I have already elaborated on above. What is quoted a lot of

times are the varying quotes about beating disobedient women, about keeping women inside

the home and marrying them when they are of suitable age.

The problem with this patriarchal interpretation is that most people are against it. Unless

it caters to one’s need of control of power, it does not benefit anyone. People have worked to

bring out non patriarchal versions where both the victim and the oppressor would find more

happiness, but for the time being, it seems like we have a hard time evolving out of this shell of

worshipping the husband and submitting to his will – like some mortal, worldly god whose very

existence is a blessing for anyone who surrounds them.

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Desi Stockholm Syndrome – A Study of the Ingrained and Coercive Generational Stockholm Syndrome in South Asian Society

The ones who are religious must be educated in all spectrums of thought, philosophy,

history, from both men and women point of views 5, and they must be educated to be able to

critically analyze these teachings and realize what it is that is applicable and what is harmful to

society as a whole. If this is not done, people will only run away from it and leave religion to find

places more acceptable of them as individuals and less demanding of them as subjects at court.

In a way, the entire extremist group of believers is suffering from a form of Stockholm

syndrome where they believe in a harsh God but also believe that they deserve every form of

punishment given out to them – if there were more diagnosis of this syndrome and a subtle way

of treating people for it, we could save many people from jumping into a dark hole where they

cease to exist as joyful humans and instead turn into dementors, absorbing the peace and

happiness from those around them, too.

The Cure

There is a cure and a treatment for those who suffer from Stockholm syndrome, but the

initial stages are harder to come out from. The captives believe in saving their captor, and have

too long lived in guilt to feel anything but that if they do turn in the person oppressing them.

Their empathy makes them yearn for the captor, to help the captor, because they see what

insecurities truly eat them from the inside. The oppressed must first be treated and reminded to

treat themselves as a human being before they put their captors needs before their own – a very

difficult process since they have long forgotten what their own, independent needs are. They

5
http://arabcenterdc.org/research-paper/five-things-you-need-to-know-about-women-in-islam-implications-for-
advancing-womens-rights-in-the-middle-east/

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Desi Stockholm Syndrome – A Study of the Ingrained and Coercive Generational Stockholm Syndrome in South Asian Society

also hold the belief that their captors are inherently good on the inside and that they cannot help

being the kind of person they have become, that they are truly lonely and need to do what they

are doing to stay sane. The reality is, of course, different. The captors might have their own

mental health issues, but they do not associate feelings of tenderness with their captives. In many

cases of domestic abuse, if the person suffering from the syndrome does manage to break free

and escape, the abuser tends to still blame them for destroying their relationship, pushing the

victim into a guilt filled spiral.

The cure to this is the diagnosis of this problem in the first place. Unless the problem is

not addressed in actual, recognized terms, there is no cure of it available. Exposing the problem

will lead to people understanding why and where their uneasy sentiments come from, and it will

help them to talk about other issues which plague them day in and day out. Therapy is uncommon

in our society despite the recent concern for mental health issues, but an issue as national as this

should be catered to immediately as it affects almost half our population, not only women, but

men also suffer from this guilt ridden syndrome where they cannot distinguish between their

own person and their parents’ person, and in cases where they are the perpetrator, they will

understand why they feel so upset at losing the abnormal amount of control over the people

they are in charge of. In many cases, the abuser is also the victim of generations of systemic

patriarchy, and they are encouraged in these ways by not only men but women also, who have

never seen or embraced other ways of living, and are wary of any potential change, even if it is

for the better.

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Desi Stockholm Syndrome – A Study of the Ingrained and Coercive Generational Stockholm Syndrome in South Asian Society

Education is the real cure. It alienates the newer generations from older generations

when it helps them develop their own ways of thinking, and many are guilt tripped into forgetting

their own developed mannerisms and ideas due to the education they receive, only to uphold

the establishment that keeps nobody happy, even the ones promoting its existence and fighting

against those who oppose it. This Desi Stockholm Syndrome has been responsible for ruining lives

and stealing potential from talented individuals who were too busy trying to adapt and normalize

their environment instead of repairing it. Psychoeducation can help educate people on their

conditions and can teach them to grow instead of only survive.

Many people are hesitant to listen to anything negative spoken about the abuser as they

are too close to that person, and so approaching them with a non-polar sentiment will ensure

that they find it easier to open to the person trying to help. The victim’s cognitive dissonance will

also prevent them from explaining fully their experience living in such a household, and so a sort

of Socratic method of asking basic questions can lead them to give up information that could be

used to help. It is essential to figure out what are the things that have kept the victim in place,

and how the victim has been responding to the various attitudes and moods of the abuser.

Conclusion

To conclude my paper, I will suggest more people taking an active part in the eradication

of this problem, and to not stand as a passive bystander as they see such situations take hold and

undermine the victims involved. Those who have privilege must use their standing to help those

who are not privileged, be it in terms of finance, physical help, education or any other sort. The

effects are too deep, and might take more than one generation to solve. It is not impossible,

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Desi Stockholm Syndrome – A Study of the Ingrained and Coercive Generational Stockholm Syndrome in South Asian Society

though, and a healthier future is achievable, but only if there is a growing number of people

willing to be critical about their living choices and unselfishly looking for change. Until the process

of self-enlightenment takes place, it is not possible to repair anything at an organizational level.

Once individuals identify the above mentioned points in their surroundings, they will notice

patterns in others and will be able to mold what helped them to those patterns, thereby releasing

others from this mental bondage that they have been held in for decades. Stockholm Syndrome

is very real, and it demands to be addressed properly for anyone to see change in the problematic

challenges they face on a daily basis, especially in desi households.

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